becoming us (4 page)

“You want...” Zac blinked, and then raised his hand to tentatively touch Bryce’s cheek, kept Bryce from turning away. He was so serious, his mouth soft and his eyes dark with a little worried crease between them. “Yeah?” Whatever Zac saw in Bryce’s face must have given him the answer he wanted, because Zac curled his hand around the back of Bryce’s head, drawing Bryce down as Zac leaned up.

“C’mere,” Zac said, and then he pressed his lips to Bryce’s, just a little, like he was expecting Bryce to pull away as soon as they touched.

Becoming Us - 18

Bryce almost did pull away; his first reaction was to tense up and pull back, but Zac was so good to let him just... just try. Even Bryce being jumpy didn’t make Zac give up. He kissed Bryce anyway and Bryce couldn’t help kissing him back. It wasn’t much different from kissing girls; Zac’s lips were soft and full. Zac kissed him sweetly, not pushing for anything. That made it easier.

It wasn’t bad. It was actually kind of nice. The way Zac was so strong, it felt good, and the way Zac didn’t pull away was a rush. God, and just doing it. It wasn't like he could make things worse, was it? If he hadn’t been so intent on kissing Zac, he’d have laughed with relief.

Bryce shifted so he could cup Zac’s cheek in his hand as he brushed his tongue against Zac’s lips. Zac’s mouth opened up, Zac pulled him a little closer, and then they were kissing. Really kissing. Zac was licking into his mouth, sucking at his tongue, and Zac’s fingers were sliding into Bryce’s hair. Zac’s strength, the rasp of his unshaven cheek against Bryce’s palm, those were new, but they only made heat race through Bryce’s veins.

Bryce couldn’t even think to wish his father’s head was exploding right now. He was good at this part, good at kissing, and he kissed Zac back passionately, half showing off, unable to keep from making soft, needy noises. He wanted Zac to want him, wanted Zac to be crazy for him, wanted Zac to be
his
again. It was a little wrong, but Bryce couldn’t help himself. They hadn’t said how many kisses, or how long. Did this count as one kiss? He didn’t want to stop.

Without thinking, he moved his hand to cup Zac’s ass; before he could remember who he was kissing and why he shouldn’t think the wrong thing, the thought of how sweet and tight and hot it was flashed across Bryce’s mind. Even the realization that he was thinking that about
Zac
couldn’t derail him right now.

Zac moaned softly, arching his hips back into Bryce’s touch. That little moan made Bryce shiver, and he kissed Zac like he was trying to devour him, hungry and fierce, pressing closer. Just a kiss. It was only kissing, but kissing hadn’t been this good for years, with the pure pleasure of it setting him on fire. He hadn’t expected it to be this good, hadn’t expected to get hard just from this. It was an effort not to do more, not to touch more.

Zac moaned again and his grip on Bryce’s hair tightened. The tug made Bryce stop, and he pulled back with a gasp. He was panting like he’d stopped breathing until right now. He felt wild-eyed and hot and afraid, looking down at Zac and realizing what he’d done. He pulled his hand away from Zac’s ass as though he’d been stung and touched Zac’s cheek instead.

“Is everything... are you... are you okay?” Bryce was overwhelmed, but not ready to be sorry for what he'd done, not yet.

“Yeah.” Zac’s hazel eyes were dark and wide. “I’m good.” His cheeks were flushed, his lips were slightly swollen and parted, and his gaze was flicking between Bryce’s eyes and his mouth.

“You okay?” he asked, obviously trying to focus on Bryce’s eyes as he loosened his grip on Bryce’s hair and petted him instead.

Becoming Us - 19

“Yeah.” Bryce was totally distracted by Zac’s beautiful mouth, all over again. God. Now that he’d kissed that mouth, he could forgive himself for thinking about it; his instincts were right on.

“I’m... yeah. Good. Can I...” He made himself not kiss Zac again, even if he wanted to like crazy.

“Can you what?” Zac’s eyes were on Bryce’s mouth again and he dragged them back up to Bryce’s eyes. “What do you...?”

“I just.” Bryce’s brain wasn’t working. He ran his fingers over Zac’s lips. He didn’t want Zac to be doing him any favors here, but Zac didn’t look like he was being inconvenienced. That was, if guys looked a lot like girls looked when they were turned on. “Do you want to kiss me again?” He managed to look Zac in the eyes this time.

Zac smiled slowly. “Yeah. I do.” He slid one hand out of Bryce’s hair and touched Bryce’s mouth with his fingertips. “I like the way you kiss.”

“Oh.” No pressure there. Bryce kissed Zac’s fingers first, because they were in the way, nipping and licking at them delicately. He wanted to feel all of this; he wasn’t expecting to do this again.

“I kind of meant my
mouth
,” Zac teased, but his voice was still low, like he was still turned on.

He drew his fingers away and leaned up to nip lightly at Bryce’s lower lip. “But I’m flexible.” Bryce’s eyes widened -- the teasing hurt in a way he couldn’t define, made him uncertain about everything -- but the little nip soothed him some. Maybe he shouldn’t have done that. Maybe it was stupid and girly. Was he not supposed to do that kind of thing?

“Okay,” he said obediently, kissing Zac on the mouth instead. Kissing Zac’s mouth was good, though he was tentative again. Maybe he didn’t know how to do this right.

Zac kissed him back, then pulled away. He made Bryce look at him, hands on both sides of Bryce’s face. “You want something else, you just gotta say so. Or do it. Or whatever. You can kiss me wherever you want, Bryce. I was just teasing. I like it.” That was where Bryce lost his nerve. Suddenly, he had a glimpse of the whole picture through his father’s eyes, his brothers’ eyes, and it was all over.
Oh, God, what did I do? Why did I do it?

“Okay,” he said again, nodding, but his heart was beating so hard that it hurt. He rolled off of Zac to sit with his back to the wall, trying not to hyperventilate, rubbing at his breastbone.
Panic
attack is not really very butch
, he told himself, but he couldn’t stop feeling like there was a weight on his chest. The little bit of insecurity put him over the edge and, suddenly, he was terrified. If he hadn’t liked it, he’d have been fine.

“Bryce...” Zac sat up and turned to face Bryce. “Hey, man, it’s okay.” He put a hand on Bryce’s shoulder, massaging a bit. “It’s okay. You don’t hafta do anything you don’t want.”

“No, it’s just. It’s not that.” Bryce tried to calm down and pretended his hands weren’t shaking.

“I just. I never did that. And.”

Becoming Us - 20

And he’d pretty much just done the thing he’d spent nearly ten years being terrified he’d do. His brothers were right. He’d never have the fact that they were wrong to stand on again. What was he going to say now when they started in on him? The thoughts wouldn’t stop bouncing around in his head.

“It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay,” Zac said quietly. “Kissing me doesn’t... It doesn’t have to be a big deal, man. You don’t ever have to do to it again, if you don’t want to. It doesn’t have to change anything, if you don’t want it to. I’m not gonna say anything to anybody.” He turned to lean against the wall beside Bryce and slid his arm around Bryce’s shoulders. “It’s okay, Bryce.”

“I know.” Bryce put his head on Zac’s shoulder and sighed, slow and shuddering. “I trust you.” Saying it reminded him that it was true and he relaxed a little. It was safe here. Zac was safe. No one would ever know. That was why he’d done this at all. And what the hell did it matter, anyway? Even if he was as good as he could be, no one believed him. “I’m tired and stupid. I’m sorry.” He inhaled hard and his breath caught. “It was nice. It was,” he admitted, too honest not to say it. Besides, Zac deserved to hear that, that he’d made Bryce feel good.

“You’re not stupid,” Zac said. “You’re... I’ve been there. I know. It’s okay.” He rubbed Bryce’s shoulder. “C’mon, I promised you I’d let you get some rest. You wanna lay down for a bit, while I finish this chapter for Pharmacology?”

Bryce lifted his head to look at Zac; Zac looked so worried. He was going to nod and tell Zac to go study, but he kissed Zac again instead. He wasn’t sorry for this, he didn’t want to be. He kissed Zac because he was angry, because it had been so good, because he needed to go a little further, because he wanted not to be ashamed of either of them. It was so good, it made him hot down to the ice in his chest.

“Bryce...” Zac kissed him back, softly. “You don’t have to do this. Anything.” He kissed Bryce again, so sweetly. He obviously didn’t mean that he didn’t want Bryce to kiss him, not with the way he kept kissing back.

“I know.” Bryce’s hand was shaking when he touched Zac’s cheek. He stole one more kiss, this one fierce and angry, before he pulled away again. He could taste Zac on his lips “I’m just sick to death of feeling bad all the time,” he said breathlessly, forcing himself to be calm and to man up about it. “But I should let you go do your stuff.” He was feeling sorry already, like he’d used Zac or something.

“Then don’t feel bad.” Zac ruffled Bryce’s hair, then leaned over to grab the DS off the foot of the bed. He traded it for the textbook on his bedside table, then flopped back into the pillows.

“You look like you haven’t slept in weeks. Too much action with the ladies, dude. If you’re ever too tired you can send ‘em over to me, you know. C’mon.” He patted the pillow next to him.

“I’m just gonna finish this chapter and do the questions at the end.”
Becoming Us - 21

“Okay.” Zac was acting like nothing was wrong, and that made Bryce feel better. He lay down with his head on the pillow and, since he had nowhere else to put it, he slid his arm around Zac’s waist.

Zac had his textbook propped on his knees, and his notebook tucked behind it. He rested one hand on top of Bryce’s, lightly, like a note that he wanted Bryce to be there. It made Bryce feel a little less guilty to think that Zac seemed to like touching him still.

Bryce didn’t have time to think everything to death or to work himself into a state over having kissed Zac. Zac’s calm acceptance of everything -- kissing, not kissing, whatever -- made it hard to get upset without at least a little effort. Bryce was so tired. He wanted to worry, but sleep crept up and swallowed him whole.

***

The movement woke Zac, who rolled over to face Bryce and reached out for him. “Hey, Bryce,” he mumbled sleepily. “You okay, man?”

The best Bryce could do was to not actually climb the wall behind him. “I. Yeah. I’m sorry.” He should get out of bed; he really shouldn’t be in Zac’s bed
again
. He even knew that what was driving him to flee was something he didn’t want to believe, no matter if he was gay or bisexual or straight, but he couldn’t stop from saying, “I didn’t mean to. I should go. Sorry.”

“Hey...” Zac sat up and got hold of Bryce’s arm, just lightly. “Nothing to be sorry for, Bryce. I invited you in here, remember? So you could sleep. It’s okay. You’re not doing anything wrong, and you don’t have to go.”

“Oh.” Bryce had forgotten that part. “I just... I forgot. I’m sorry I woke you.” It was so stupid that sleeping in the same bed with Zac should scare him so much when he found himself doing it. Now he just felt dumb and shaken at once.

“It’s okay,” Zac said again, rubbing his hand over Bryce’s arm now. “Sleeping in a different bed sometimes freaks me out, too. Or, like, first night I’m back home for the summer. I can never sleep, ‘cause the bed feels weird.”

“Let’s be honest,” Bryce said, trying not to sound too bitter and trying to keep his voice steady at the same time. “That’s not why I’m upset.” He took a deep breath and reached out, his hand finding bare, warm skin. Zac didn’t flinch when Bryce touched him. “I... can I stay?”
Can I stay
anyway?

“Of course. I’m not going to kick you out, man. I know why you’re upset, yeah, but you didn’t do anything wrong. You can stay.”

Becoming Us - 22

“You shouldn’t be sleeping on the covers,” Bryce said by way of thanks. “Here.” He got up so Zac could get under the covers.

Zac slid under the blanket. “Thanks.” He held the covers up like an invitation. “C’mere.” Bryce crawled back in to bed, lying down close. He reached out and put one hand on Zac’s bare chest, feeling silky skin and the beat of Zac’s heart. It felt good to be close to someone he trusted this much. It had been a while since he’d been with someone seriously. Could trust turn you on?

Maybe that was it.

“Good.” Zac tucked one hand under his head and rested the other on top of Bryce’s hand. “It’s all good, Bryce. Really.”

“Okay.” Bryce’s throat felt tight. “I’m sorry, Zac,” he said thickly. “I am. I just am.”

“Bryce, man, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Zac rubbed the back of Bryce’s hand.

“We kissed, and I’m definitely not complaining about that, okay? I’m not complaining about you having a hard time with it, either. Jeez, it’s not like I’d have any room to talk.”

“It’s not just that.” All Bryce’s jovial colloquialisms and cheery curses were stripped away as he tried to talk around the pain in his chest and the lump in his throat. “I just, I can’t say sorry to the people I was shitty to. All of them. I think about it a lot. I can’t stop. Every time I saw Perry...

now, you, too... I think about it. And how much worse people are than me, how I’ve seen them do it, heard them laugh about it.” Once he was talking, Bryce couldn’t stop, gulping air between whispers as it all poured out. “I’m sorry for it. I am. They won’t stop, either. They don’t stop.

They’ll never change. And I never said anything when I could. Because I’m a fucking coward.

And I’m sorry, Zac.”

“Bryce...” Zac rolled onto his side, facing Bryce, and put his hand on Bryce’s chest. “Back in high school and junior high, when I was really trying to cover, really scared of getting found out... Well. I definitely said and did some things I’m not proud of. So. I can kind of understand where you’re coming from.” He ran his hand over Bryce’s chest, soothing. “People change, though. You changed.”