Before I Go to Sleep (42 page)

The wind gusts the curtains of the room. I hear a train in the distance. Screams from the pier. Downstairs, on the street, someone shouts ‘Fuck!’ and I hear the sound of breaking glass. I do not want to read on, but know that I must.

I felt a chill. ‘Ben was vegetarian?’

‘Vegan,’ she said, laughing. ‘Don’t tell me you didn’t know?’

I thought of the night he’d hit me.
A lump of meat
, I’d written.
Peas floating in thin gravy
.

I went over to the window. ‘Ben eats meat …’ I said, speaking slowly. ‘He’s not vegetarian … Not now, anyway. Maybe he’s changed?’

There was another long silence.

‘Claire?’ She said nothing. ‘Claire? Are you there?’

‘Right,’ she said. She sounded angry now. ‘I’m ringing him. I’m sorting this out. Where is he?’

I answered without thinking. ‘He’ll be at the school, I suppose. He said he wouldn’t be back until five o’clock.’

‘At the school?’ she said. ‘Do you mean the university? Is he lecturing now?’

Fear began to stir within me. ‘No,’ I said. ‘He works at a school near here. I can’t remember the name.’

‘What does he do there?’

‘A teacher. He’s head of chemistry, I think he said.’ I felt guilty at not knowing what my husband does for a living, not being able to remember how he earns the money to keep us fed and clothed. ‘I don’t remember.’

I looked up and caught sight of my swollen face reflected in the window in front of me. The guilt evaporated.

‘What school?’ she asked.

‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I don’t think he told me.’

‘What, never?’

‘Not this morning, no,’ I said. ‘For me that might as well be never.’

‘I’m sorry, Chrissy. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that, well—’ I sensed a change of mind, a sentence aborted. ‘Could you find out the name of the school?’

I thought of the office upstairs. ‘I guess so. Why?’

‘I’d like to speak to Ben, to make sure he’ll be coming home when I’m there this afternoon. I wouldn’t want it to be a wasted journey!’

I noticed the humour she was trying to inject into her voice, but didn’t mention it. I felt out of control, couldn’t work out what was best, what I should do, and so decided to surrender to my friend. ‘I’ll have a look,’ I said.

I went upstairs. The office was tidy, piles of papers arranged across the desk. It did not take long to find some headed paper; a letter about a parents’ evening that had already taken place.

‘It’s St Anne’s,’ I said. ‘You want the number?’ She said she’d find it out herself.

‘I’ll call you back,’ she said. ‘Yes?’

Panic hit again. ‘What are you going to say to him?’ I said.

‘I’m going to sort this out,’ she said. ‘Trust me, Chrissy. There has to be an explanation. OK?’

‘Yes,’ I said, and ended the call. I sat down, my legs shaking. What if my first hunch had been correct? What if Claire and Ben were still sleeping together? Maybe she was calling him now, warning him.
She suspects
, she might be saying.
Be careful
.

I remembered reading my journal earlier. Dr Nash had told me that I had once shown symptoms of paranoia.
Claiming the doctors were conspiring against you
, he’d said.
A tendency to confabulate. To invent things
.

What if that’s all happening again? What if I am inventing this, all of it? Everything in my journal might be fantasy. Paranoia.

I thought of what they’d told me on the ward, and Ben in his letter.
You were occasionally violent
. I realized it might have been me who caused the fight on Friday night. Did I lash out at Ben? Perhaps he hit back and then, upstairs in the bathroom, I took a pen and explained it all away with a fiction.

What if all this journal means is that I’m getting worse again? That soon it really will be time for me to go back to Waring House?

I went cold, suddenly convinced that this was why Dr Nash had wanted to take me there. To prepare me for my return.

All I can do is wait for Claire to call me back.

Another gap. Is that what’s happening now? Will Ben try to take me back to Waring House? I look over to the bathroom door. I will not let him.

There is one final entry, written later that same day.

Monday, 26 November, 6.55 p.m
.

Claire called me after less than half an hour. And now my mind oscillates. It swings from one thing to the other, then back again.
I know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I know what to do
. But there’s a third thought. I shudder as I realize the truth:
I am in danger
.

I turn to the front of this journal, intending to write Don’t trust Ben, but I find those words are already there.

I don’t remember writing them. But then I don’t remember anything.

A gap, and then it continues.

She sounded hesitant on the phone.

‘Chrissy,’ she said. ‘Listen.’

Her tone frightened me. I sat down. ‘What?’

‘I called Ben. At school.’

I had the overwhelming sensation of being on an uncontrollable journey, of being in unnavigable waters. ‘What did he say?’

‘I didn’t speak to him. I just wanted to make sure he worked there.’

‘Why?’ I said. ‘Don’t you trust him?’

‘He’s lied about other things.’

I had to agree. ‘But why did you think he’d tell me he worked somewhere if he didn’t?’ I said.

‘I was just surprised he was working in a school. You know he trained to be an architect? The last time I spoke to him he was looking into setting up his own practice. I just thought it was a bit odd he should be working in a school.’

‘What did they say?’

‘They said they couldn’t disturb him. He was busy, in a class.’ I felt relief. He hadn’t lied about that, at least.

‘He must have changed his mind,’ I said. ‘About his career.’

‘Chrissy? I told them I wanted to send him some documents. A letter. I asked for his official title.’

‘And?’ I said.

‘He’s not head of chemistry. Or science. Or anything else. They said he was a lab assistant.’

I felt my body jerk. I may have gasped; I don’t remember.

‘Are you sure?’ I said. My mind raced to think of a reason for this new lie. Was it possible he was embarrassed? Worried about what I would think if I knew he had gone from being a successful architect to a lab assistant in a local school? Did he really think I was so shallow that I would love him any more or less based on what he did for a living?

Everything made sense.

‘Oh God,’ I said. ‘It’s my fault!’

‘No!’ she said. ‘It’s not your fault!’

‘It is!’ I said. ‘It’s the strain of having to look after me. Of having to deal with me, day in and day out. He must be having a breakdown. Maybe he doesn’t even know himself what’s true and what’s not.’ I began to cry. ‘It must be unbearable,’ I said. ‘He even has to go through all that grief on his own, every day.’

The line was silent, and then Claire said, ‘Grief? What grief?’

‘Adam,’ I said. I felt pain at having to say his name.

‘What about Adam?’

It came to me. Wild. Unbidden.
Oh God
, I thought.
She doesn’t know. Ben hasn’t told her
.

‘He’s dead,’ I said.