Beginnings - SF2 (40 page)

"YES!" she yelled as she jerked away from the ticklish torture. "I need more! Much, much more!"

"I do too," Ryan's now soft voice floated by her ear as she wrapped both of her strong arms around Jamie's waist and squeezed her tightly. "A lifetime with you isn't going to be nearly enough."

Jamie rested her head against Ryan's shoulder and languidly stretched for a moment. "I feel so good," she murmured.

"You're not stiff?" Ryan asked.

"Oh yeah! I'm stiff and my butt feels like it's pounded veal, but I'm so happy to be out here with you that none of that matters at all." Ryan's arms were still holding her firmly, and she spent a moment gazing at the muscular appendages. Tilting her head slightly to nestle more closely, she began to trace the protuberant muscles and tendons with the tip of her finger. A surreptitious grin crossed her lips as she felt her buff partner unconsciously tense the already firm muscles.
Showoff
, she laughed to herself. She secretly loved the fact that Ryan was proud of her hard earned muscles and liked to display them.

"Ryan?" she finally asked, breaking the peaceful silence.

"Hmm?"

"Do you mind if I want to talk about Jack's phone call?"

"Of course not, Honey," she said, even though she could have very happily lived the rest of her life without ever hearing that particular name again.

In fits and starts Jamie finally related the story of her former fiancé's call. It was hard for her to organize her thoughts, but she got it all out eventually. "Boy, that was a generous thing to do," Ryan said with genuine admiration. "I can see why you picked him, Jamie. He sounds like a really decent guy in many ways." She privately thought there were ways in which he was also a total jackass, but she didn't think this was the proper time to bring that up.

"He is, Ryan, and that's why I felt so guilty about how I treated him. He deserves someone who can really love him fully."

"Everyone deserves that, but not many get it," Ryan said sagely. "We're both very lucky in that way," she added with a winning grin that Jamie could just see a corner of.

"Would it bother you if I went to his graduation next Saturday?" Jamie asked with a note of hesitation in her voice.

"Bother me? Why would that bother me?" Ryan asked, truly perplexed.

'Well, it's our last day in Pebble Beach, and I hate to take time away from us," she admitted. "But I was with him all through law school, and I just feel it would help me get some closure on the relationship."

"I don't mind a bit, Jamie. I respect you for wanting to make a gesture like that. Losing one day is not that big a deal," she said as she gave her a gentle squeeze. "We do have the rest of our lives to spend together."
I sure didn't do the math on that one
, she grumbled to herself.
I didn't realize she wanted to knock a day off our honeymoon!
But now that she was committed she could hardly turn back.

Turning around more completely, Jamie pulled back just a few inches and stared directly into Ryan's eyes for several minutes. Ryan didn't say a word, although she felt like an impressionist painting as the perusal continued. "Sometimes I can't believe how generous you are," the smaller woman finally murmured. "You honestly amaze me."

As she leaned forward to offer a heartfelt kiss, Ryan thanked her mouth for having stayed shut at just the right time.

"You know," Jamie said reflectively, after they separated, "I wanted to ask you about your cousin and why the opening ceremonies affected you so strongly. Do you mind talking about it?"

"No, I don't mind," Ryan said softly. She was quiet for a long time, obviously gathering her thoughts. As her face clouded with long held pain, Jamie deeply regretted bringing up the topic, but it was too late to pull back now so she snuggled closer, trying to offer solace with her body. Ryan finally began, "As you know, my mother died when I was seven. The family found out about Michael's illness just a few months before her death, although we found out later that Michael had known for several months before he told anyone."

"He was afraid, huh?" Jamie asked solicitously.

"No, he wasn't. That's not how he was at all, Jamie. He was the most self-confident guy you'd ever want to meet. He knew his mother would be supportive and that his father would go ballistic, but he held off because my mother was so sick. He didn't want to add to the burden." A few tears rolled down Jamie's cheek and Ryan sniffed a few times. She kept her head so close to Jamie's that she could feel her words coming through her body.

"He finally had to tell because he had to be hospitalized. The adults didn't tell us at the time. They said he was going on vacation." She laughed bitterly at her own words. "I freaked out just because he was gone for a couple of weeks. When my mother was in her last months, either Aunt Maeve or Michael was at the house around the clock. He was twenty-one at the time, just starting his senior year at USF, and we all idolized him. He did whatever Da asked of him—babysitting for me and Rory, helping us with our homework, making a meal for us, anything," she said.

"Even though the adults knew, my brothers and I were clueless that he was ill. He had Kaposi's Sarcoma, and even though he had lesions, they were hidden under his clothes. As the year went on, it became clear that something was wrong—especially to me. Even though I was young, I had become hypersensitive to everyone's physical health. I watched over every person in the family, looking for signs that there was something wrong with them. A few months after my mother died, they told us he was going on vacation again, but I knew they were lying. I totally freaked! I can remember screaming at Da and Aunt Maeve, begging them to tell me the truth." She took in a few deep breaths, trying hard to maintain her composure. Jamie stayed as still as she could, knowing that revealing this pain was a very difficult thing for Ryan to do, and not wanting to break the moment.

"After a few minutes they looked at each other. I can still remember the look on Da's face when he told me that Michael was going into the hospital. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that he was dying, and I was inconsolable." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she could continue.

"They kept telling me that he would come home and be all right, but I could tell from their eyes that they were lying." She paused for several lingering minutes, and Jamie thought she might stop talking, but she finally shuddered slightly and continued. "I think the hardest thing was that I stopped trusting the adults to tell me the truth. They hadn't told me he was ill, and I didn't trust them when they said he would get better." She gave a sad little smile as she added, "I guess I was right on that one."

Now Jamie couldn't help herself. She pulled away from Ryan's embrace and climbed onto the table, taking the position that her partner had just held. She sat up as tall as she could and clutched Ryan's head to her breast, gently kissing the top of her dark head. Ryan sucked up the affection like a sponge, and it seemed to help as she got her second wind and continued. "Anyway, he did recover from that bout of K.S., and he had a good year or so. He just began to fall apart, one piece at a time. Even after all this time, it still boggles my mind," she whispered. "It was like his body was decaying while he was still walking around. Like his brain was alive, but his body was already dead." She shook her head slowly as she tried to erase the images from her mind but, as usual, she was unsuccessful. "He lived for five years after his diagnosis, which was remarkable for that time; but he was truly unrecognizable for the last year. During his last months, he didn't even know any of us," she choked out as she began to cry. "It was so horrible, Jamie!" she cried in pain. "So horrible."

Jamie held on as tightly as she could, but Ryan was nearly limp with her grief. She ended up collapsed against her small partner's chest, great heaving sobs wracking her body. Jamie was gently rubbing her legs, giving her silent support.

To her surprise, when Ryan calmed a bit she continued with her tale. "Hearing those words when they brought in the riderless bike just took me back to that time," she whispered. She hugged Jamie's arms tighter around her body as she added, "I know that Da and Aunt Maeve thought they could spare us the pain of knowing about Michael, at least for a little while. I learned something very valuable through that experience. Kids know. They are very intuitive little beings, and hiding things from them just backfires. I hope I have the guts to be honest with my children even when difficult issues come up."

"Our children," Jamie gently reminded her as she kissed her tear-stained cheek. "Our children," she added for emphasis. "I feel the same way, Ryan," she vowed. "I would try my best to be honest with our children, even with painful issues."

"I'm not angry with Da for what he did," Ryan said. "I was only seven, and I had just lost my mother. He was having a heck of a time with me, anyway."

She sighed deeply, and Jamie couldn't resist the urge. "Why was he having trouble with you, Honey?"

"Jesus, Jamie," she muttered, blowing out a frustrated breath. "I was a little girl, and my mother had been desperately ill almost my whole life. Losing her and having Michael get sick sent me into a tailspin. I had to be attached to someone around the clock! Aunt Maeve had a dying son at home, but she nearly lived at our house. Aunt Moira came for almost a month, and it was another blow when she left. My other aunts helped out a lot, but they all had kids around our age so it was really hard for them, too. I just attached myself to Aunt Maeve. I couldn't sleep unless she sat on the edge of my bed and rubbed my head to comfort me. I know that it was hard for Da, but I just couldn't trust him to be there every night! It must have been so hard for him to know what to do with us. And he loved my mother so much, it had to be devastating for him to go on without her. I just can't imagine," she said softly as she started to cry against Jamie's shoulder.

After a while Ryan lifted her tear-streaked face and looked at Jamie with a forlorn expression, "It makes me think of losing you," she choked out as she began another round of sobs.

Jamie just patted her and spoke soothingly into her ear. She knew there were no words to assuage Ryan's sorrow, so she tried to comfort her with her mere presence. Ryan quieted down after a long while and sat up slowly to get the kinks out of her back. Turning to her partner, she delicately captured the tears on her face as she gazed up at Jamie with a look of pure love on her face. "Thanks for just letting me get that out. You're the only person outside of my family that I've ever let see that side of me." She dropped her head to Jamie's chest again as she added, "You just make me feel so safe." After a minute she picked her head up and stared at Jamie in wonder, "You made me feel like I felt when my mother held me!"

"Pardon?" she asked confusedly.

Ryan sat up abruptly, then got to her feet and started pacing. "That's it!" she said excitedly. "I get it! I really get it!"

"Get what?" Jamie asked, thoroughly confused. "What do you get?"

"The reason that I never let anyone get close enough to really love me!" she said excitedly. "I was afraid to let another woman make me feel that way!" she nearly shouted. "But I trusted you; I really trusted you! I knew you wouldn't hurt me, and I let myself feel that deep connection again with you. Thank you, Jamie. Thank you!" she said with an overwhelming sense of relief as she grasped her by the shoulders.

Jamie was dumbfounded. She knew how Ryan felt about her, but she had no idea what an important role her love for Ryan was serving. As she thought about it, she realized that it made perfect sense. Ryan could only love someone who she trusted to reach her in that dark, broken space. She wouldn't let most people try, because she was so afraid of being hurt by another loss. Only because she trusted Jamie implicitly, was she willing to risk being this vulnerable, and it was only through sharing her pain that she was able to let in the comfort that she so desperately needed.

Jamie felt so honored to be trusted so thoroughly that she was at a complete loss for words. Ryan had obviously used up all of her cogent thoughts also, because she just wrapped her arms around her and held on tight. They sat on the table top in a solid embrace for a very long while. It was fully dark when Ryan pulled back and gave her several small kisses, finally taking her hand and guiding her back to the tent where they snuggled tightly until morning.

Just like clockwork, Ryan's demanding bladder woke her up at two a.m. She lay there for a moment trying to get her bearings and to remember to put the light stick out. She searched around for a tampon and was just starting to crawl out of the tent when she stopped to look at her lover. Jamie was sound asleep with a look of quiet contentment on her face. Ryan thought of how much she loved the gentle, caring woman, and how she would do nearly anything for her. She smiled sweetly as she thought of how freeing it had been to talk about Michael so openly.
I love you more than I can say,
she thought with another fond gaze
. But I'm not going to let you wake me up two minutes after I get back to sleep!
Love has its limits!
She gently woke her partner and said, "I'm going to the bathroom. Why don't you go with me?"

Jamie just nodded mutely and crawled out of the tent compliantly.
Not bad
, Ryan thought with satisfaction.
Not bad at all.