Behind Her Smile (27 page)

Luke tried to call Madison after his father went back to work, but she wasn’t picking up. He texted and asked if he could please talk to her one more time, but she replied that she wasn’t feeling well and was going to take a nap.

By morning, the storm had passed and the sun actually peeked out for an hour or so. Luke did his morning run, and while he was running, he prayed for Madison. With Christmas only a week away, he wished he had something really special to give her. Something that might help her realize how much he cared. And how much God cared, too. Maybe some kind of jewelry? Like a cross necklace or something? That would be okay even if they were just going to be friends, right?

After taking a quick shower and getting dressed, he took off for the jewelry store beside the library. It was small, but surely it would have something that would be good.

His spirits soared as he embarked on his shopping venture. The gloom that had taken root in his heart after his talk with Madison was replaced by an excitement over the idea of finding the perfect gift. His love for Madison was different now. Not just a human love, but a filling of supernatural love from above. And he wanted more than anything for Madison to experience it.

It didn’t matter whether or not they ever had a romantic relationship down the road. All that mattered now was for her to grasp the lavish love of God and to know in her heart that He’d never stopped loving her unconditionally.

The store was crowded with last minute Christmas shoppers, so Luke just worked his way around the displays. His eye landed on a glass-encased tray of silver charms. There were three crosses he liked. Then he spotted something else. A tiny ladder with a heart at the top. His heart leapt. He’d give her both on a silver necklace. Weaving through the customers, he found a girl about his age, who was wearing a name badge for the store. Crystal. He smiled at the appropriateness of her name in a shop that glittered with jewels.

Flashing a white-toothed smile, she asked, “Can I help you with something?”

Luke nodded and led her over to the charm case. “I’d like to look at the middle cross and the ladder.”

She used her key to unlock the display and carefully lifted out the two charms, placing them on a velvet cushion she’d also taken from the case. “That ladder’s pretty cute, isn’t it?” she asked. “I think it’s inspired by that country song,
A Ladder to Your Heart.
Have you heard it?”

He glanced up at her. “No. I don’t listen to country much.”

“Oh. Well, it’s kind of a love song about a guy who says he’d climb the highest ladder to get to her heart.”

“Nice,” he replied, still amazed at the symbolism in the tiny charm. “So, I want both of these. But I’ll need a chain to go with them.”

She pulled a small fabric pouch out of a drawer under the case and slipped the two charms into it. “I’ll show you the silver chains,” she said, turning and leading him to the far wall. “For charms this small, I’d recommend something light and pretty short.” She pointed to one of them, secured to the wall by a straight pin. It sparkled as she lifted the bottom of it and let it rest in her hand.

“I like it,” Luke replied.

Crystal unfastened the necklace from the wall and carried it to the register with the charms. After ringing them up, she offered to gift-wrap his package.

“That would be great. Thanks,” Luke agreed.

Soon he was in his car and heading for Madison’s house. The sun was no longer out, but the overcast sky was white rather than dark. Maybe he and Maddie could take a walk or something.

Michelle answered the door. “You looking for Maddie?” she asked.

“Yeah. Is she here?”

“No. Sorry. She’s at the beach. She said she wanted to get a run in between storms. Should I tell her you dropped by?”

Luke shook his head. “I think I’ll go look for her down there.” He had an idea where he might find her.

Sure enough, she was sitting on the old, worn-out picnic table where they used to have lunch when their families would go down there for the day. She was gazing out over the ocean, and he cleared his throat as he approached so as not to startle her.

“Luke? What are you doing down here?” she asked, scooting off the table and standing.

“Your mom told me you were here. I brought you something.”

She looked hesitant.

“It’s an early Christmas gift,” he added.

“Luke…” She sighed. “I don’t have anything for you.” She held up her empty hands.

“Perfect. I didn’t want to set this up as some big gift exchange between us. I just had something to say and something I want to give you.” He took a seat on the table and patted the place beside him. “Come on. Sit down.” He tried to give her his most casual smile, even though every fiber of his being was on high alert. He wanted this to go perfectly. For both of their sakes.

She sighed again, and then joined him, sitting down on the table next to him.

Luke placed the package on her lap. “Before you open this, let me explain.”

“Okay.”

“So, I wanted to get you a ladder.” He glanced over and saw the confused look on her face.

“A ladder?”

“Yeah. But I wasn’t sure how tall I needed it.”

She studied his face, and he flashed her another smile, this time winking, too. Her cheeks blushed, and she playfully pushed him. “What are you getting at?” she asked.

“I wasn’t sure how tall because I don’t know how high the cross was.”

Now her face fell, and she looked away. This was not going right. Luke knew he’d better get to the point. “Madison, I’m fumbling a little here. But there are two things you need to know. First, I love you.”

She glanced at him and gave him a warning look.

“I’m not just talking about romantic love. I mean I really love you. You—my friend. And yes, I admit I may love you in another way, too. But that’s beside the point. The point is that I can’t stand to see you down on yourself. I know you think you’ve really blown it. But who on this earth hasn’t?”

She shrugged.

“And that brings me to the second point. Whether you believe this or not, Jesus loves you, too. And that’s the reason for the ladder. If there was any way I could help you climb up a ladder beside the cross and look into His eyes, I know you’d see a love you’re not letting yourself receive. I’m not a pastor or a theologian, but I know this much—that cross is about a love that never ends.”

She looked into his eyes, and he saw a glimmer of hope.

“Anyway, I want you to have this.” He lifted the package and placed it in her hand. “Open it.”

“Now?”

“Yeah. Now.”

He noticed her hands shaking a little as she unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. She lifted the dainty necklace, and a sweet smile spread across her face. “A ladder. And a cross.”

He nodded.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered. Opening the clasp, she tried to fasten it behind her neck.

“Here. Let me help,” he offered, carefully taking the two ends from her hands and linking them together. “There.”

She fingered the charms for a moment and then turned and hugged him. “Thanks. I love it.”

Luke smiled. “Good. So here’s the deal. We’ll stay just friends for a while. But I’m asking you to pray about our relationship this next semester while I’m gone. And I’ll do the same. Then we’ll talk more when I come back next summer. Okay?”

“But…”

“No buts. There’s no harm in praying, right?”

“I guess,” she replied, sounding skeptical.

“You’re still going on the mission trip, right?”

“Yeah, I guess,” she said again.

“So we’ll pray until then and see what God has for each of us. Agreed?”

She took a deep breath and let it out again. Nodding, she replied, “Agreed.”

This time it was Luke who reached out and hugged her.

Madison glanced across the room to find the source of the laughter. Luke was on the floor wrestling with a passel of boys from the preschool wing of the orphanage. As he feigned distress, they laughed uproariously and continued to pounce on him.

Finally, an assistant worker came to his rescue, peeling the boys away with a promise of lunch. As she led them out of the room to wash up and head over to the cafeteria, Luke stood up, brushed himself off and flashed Madison a smile. “I notice you didn’t come to my rescue,” he said.

“Who, me?” she asked innocently.

He strolled over and took a look at the box she was unpacking. Vacation Bible School materials, including props and games, awaited sorting and preparing for their use. “This will be fun,” he said, pulling out a pack of brightly colored batons for the relays.

“Are you two coming?” a familiar voice asked from the doorway.

Luke looked over at his dad and nodded. “Come on. Let’s go get some eats,” he said to Madison.

After lunch, the children had a quiet time. The older ones read books, and the younger ones took siestas. It gave the team time to finish unpacking the supplies for VBS and go over their roles. Because of the summer heat, the events would be held in the evening after an early dinner. Beginning with songs of worship, they would then move into a Bible story told by Ben, followed by games, crafts, and special snacks.

The evening went well. No major glitches other than some initial problems with the sound system that were quickly corrected. The kids were so excited and seemed to have a great time. She noticed their willingness to help each other out at every station, even if it meant lending a hand to a friend on another team in the relays. They were tight—friends who had learned to stick together and be there for each other. Orphans who had made each other family.

Madison was impressed, and she could not believe how excited she was to be experiencing all of this firsthand. Here she was, in a foreign country, on a mission trip. Who would have thought, especially after all that had happened over the past year? And to be ministering beside Luke? That was even more unbelievable.

It will be really hard when he goes back to school,
she realized. But all good things must come to an end.

“Time to take your group to snack,” Lucy said, nudging her.

“Oh! Sorry. I got lost there for a minute,” Madison replied, blushing. She rallied her troops and headed over to the snack station. From there, it was on to crafts and relays. Her team won the first prize, much to Lucy’s chagrin.

As they were putting things away later that evening, Madison noticed Luke and Ben talking. Whatever it was about, they looked pretty serious.

“Guess that’s it for tonight,” Lucy said as she closed the final box of supplies. “Want to take a walk before we go inside?”

Madison thought for a moment. “Thanks, but I think I’ll go take a shower and get ready for bed.”

“Okay. See you in there,” her friend replied, as she headed off to join a group of girls across the lawn.

Madison’s mood shifted as she gathered up her things and went to take a shower. A sense of sadness and unexplainable loneliness filled her heart. The pit of unworthiness she’d been fighting to crawl out of all year seemed to swallow her once again.

“What’s wrong with me?” she asked herself as she went through the motions of showering and getting into bed. Exhaustion, coupled with despair, took hold of her.
I need to pray,
she thought, but the words wouldn’t come.

Ever since Christmas, she’d been praying, just as she and Luke had agreed to do. But from the time he’d returned home for summer, he’d treated her just like a friend, nothing more. Deep in her heart, she’d known that was the way it had to be. And she’d reminded herself of that after every prayer.

Luke was different. Really special. And God had a plan for him that likely included a very special girl as well. Someone who could come alongside him without any dark past. Someone who could be his “first” just as he could be hers.

Closing her eyes against unwanted tears, she silently begged God to take away the ache in her heart.
Help me stay focused on the kids, Lord, and remember why I’m here. And help me let go of Luke.
She fell asleep feeling completely spent.

The next five days, she tried to limit her contact with Luke. If he was playing with the kids outside, she’d go inside and offer to help prepare the next meal. When he worked on the retaining wall, she volunteered to paint the dining area. At VBS, they sometimes crossed paths in a relay or at the snack table, but she focused her attention squarely on her charges, trying to keep her eyes always on them.

“Are you mad at Luke?” Lucy asked on the second to the last day.

Madison flinched inwardly. Then feigning surprise asked, “Me?”

“Yeah. You. You seem different,” Lucy observed.

Shaking her head in denial, Madison replied, “No. Everything’s fine. I’m just trying to do whatever needs to be done around here before we leave to go home.”

Lucy studied her. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.” Madison took a deep breath. “Well, I guess I’ll go start packing.” Before Lucy could say anything else, she disappeared into the sleeping quarters.

That night, after all the activities were completed and the final VBS prizes were distributed, Luke approached Madison. “Can we talk?” he asked.

Madison knew what was coming. He’d try to let her down gently, so there were no questions to resolve when they got home. After all, he needed to head back to college in another ten days.

“I was thinking you might like to see that retaining wall we’ve been working on all week,” he added with a smile.

“Sure.” Steeling her heart against disappointment, she followed him across the grounds and behind the schoolhouse. Dusk was settling in, and a welcome breeze joined them.

“So what do you think?” he asked as he swept his arm across the expanse of air in front of the wall.

“It looks great,” she replied, hoping her voice sounded enthusiastic.

“Here, give it a try,” he suggested, taking a seat on it and patting the spot next to himself.

Madison felt torn. Should she sit down beside him, or would it be better to just stand her ground?

“What?” he asked, a puzzled look on his face. “Sit.”

She forced a smile and complied.

They sat silently for a bit, then he asked, “So what did you think of everything this week?”

A flicker of joy alighted upon her. “I loved it. The kids are amazing. They’re so appreciative of everything. The staff, too.” She paused and then added, “It’s made me realize how much we take for granted back home, and how fun it is to do something for others who have so little.” She glanced over at him and saw a warm smile.

“That’s exactly how I feel, too,” he replied. “And it makes it easier for me to say what I’ve been waiting to tell you.”

Here it comes,
she thought, her stomach in her throat as she readied herself for the inevitable. He was silent for a moment, so she looked over and saw something she hadn’t expected. Tears. His eyes were filled with tears.

“So, I’ve been praying,” he began, “like we promised each other we would at Christmas.”

“Me, too,” she said softly.

“And the thing is…”

Before he could go on, Madison interrupted him. “You don’t have to say it, Luke. I already know.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. And I understand.” She couldn’t believe her own strength. But she pressed on, “You don’t owe me anything. I’m just glad we could be friends.”

Luke turned and looked her in the eye. “Whoa. Hold on. No one said anything about owing anyone something.”

“I know. You know what I mean,” she replied.

“Madison, would you please give me a chance to say what I need to say?” he countered.

She looked over and waited silently.

He gave her a smile, and his voice trembled a little as he said, “The thing is, Maddie, the more I prayed, the more I realized that my heart already has a home.”

She froze.

“With you.” He reached over and took her hand. “It always has.”

Madison tried to swallow. Her heart about leapt out of her chest with its pounding. “What are you saying?” she managed.

“I’m saying I want the chance to move into the future with you. I don’t know what that will look like down the road, and we both have a long way to go before we can even begin to talk about things like marriage. But I need to know if you feel the same way about me that I feel about you.” His eyes pleaded for understanding and agreement.

Then the voice of darkness cut into her joy. You are not good enough for him, Madison. He will figure that out soon. Better to let him go now.

Suddenly she was in tears herself.

“Madison, what is it?” he asked. “Why are you crying?”

She shook her head, unable to speak.

He pulled her close and the dam broke, tears turning to uncontrollable sobs.

What a jerk I am,
she thought.
This just proves he shouldn’t be with me.
The words Luke had spoken were words she’d never allowed herself to imagine, even in her deepest dreams. The joy she should have been feeling was stolen by the realization that she’d have to turn him down. How else would he ever find a girl who deserved someone as sweet and pure as him?

Finally the tears subsided, and she pushed away from him, standing up to look him in the eye. “It would never work between us, Luke.” She turned and started toward the orphanage, but he was instantly by her side.

“Wait,” he said. “I need to know why.”

Madison hesitated, groping for words. “I think you already do.”

“Is this about Miles and you?”

She hadn’t thought about her old boyfriend once the entire trip. Now his name brought a bitter taste to her mouth. “Yes, and about what you deserve, Luke. Someone who is better than me. Who hasn’t been with someone else, like I have. Someone who can be your first, and you can be hers. Okay, so now I’ve said it.”

He nodded. “I know you think that, Maddie. But you need to know how I see it. Sure, I’d love to have been your first. But what we could have someday—you and me—it would be different. Not like you and Miles. I promise. And because it would be different, it
would be
like a first for you, too.”

She studied the earnest expression on his face. He really believed that. “But,” she began.

“Madison, stop beating yourself up. The past is over. And you’re not the only one who’s made mistakes. I knew my feelings for you before I even went off to college in the first place. But I convinced myself you needed to be free to date guys in high school and do all the high school stuff like Friday night football games, the prom, all that stuff. Now I realize that I was wrong. If I would have told you how I felt before I left, maybe you wouldn’t have had to go through all of that with Miles.”

She didn’t know what to say.

“The thing is, Madison, I can’t imagine a life without you.”

His words touched Madison's heart deeply. She realized how different Luke's love was from the self-centered love she’d received from Miles. Luke's heart overflowed with God's love—unselfish and unconditional.

“Come here,” he said softly, opening his arms wide.

As they embraced, she rested her head against his chest, and she could hear his heart pounding just like hers. She looked up into his eyes, and he smiled. “I really want to kiss you,” he admitted. “Would you mind?”

He was asking her permission! It touched her heart in ways that moved mountains within. Suddenly she felt special, really special, like maybe she and Luke
could
make it work. Reaching up, she put one hand on his cheek. “I don’t mind,” she said with a smile.

And when their lips met, she realized God was starting something brand new in her life. The past was over. Luke was her future.

In an apartment a world away, Madison’s great grandmother was about to turn in for the night when her phone rang. It was one of her Silver Sisters. “Did I wake you up?” her friend asked.