Behind His Eyes - Convicted: The Missing Years (38 page)

On the other side was his will. Throughout his life, Anthony Rawlings could boast few attributes; however, the one that had remained strong was his word. As storms raged, he remained steadfast, knowing that above all, he was a man of his word. He’d made the decision to set Claire free. He’d spoken that edict to Jim and to his friends. Despite the desire and want, Tony knew that he had to do what was right. For the first time in their lives, Tony had to put Claire first.

Her voice pulled him from his internal struggle as she looked out the windows. “We’re near the estate. What about the fire? Was there a lot of damage?”

“That’s what I want to show you,” he replied, anxious to see her reaction.

The iron gates opened and the trees parted. With her new home in view, Claire gasped. “What happened?”

It wasn’t the reaction he’d expected. “You don’t like it?”

“I-I don’t know. Did the whole house burn?”

“No. There was a lot of smoke and water damage, but the fire was pretty much contained to the first level, southwest corridor.”

Tony stopped the car. Before he could get to her side, she was out and standing before the large white-brick home. He watched her eyes as she took in the long porches, black shutters, and stately columns. When she didn’t speak, Tony asked, “Do you want to see inside?”

“What happened to our house?”

“I had it demolished,” he explained. “I built it for the wrong reasons. It was our house, but it was never a
home
. It contained too many memories.”

“So you got rid of it? Tony, there were good memories there, too.”

“I built that house for Nathaniel.” His gaze begged for understanding. “Claire, I had this home built for you.” Tugging her hand, he led her inside, watching her response as they progressed from room to room. With each step he prayed the allure of the home would fill her with the peace and security he’d intended. Her eyes widened as they entered the polished oak foyer. Her expression warmed as her eyes scanned each room and took in the windows covering the entire back of the house. In the living room, the glass extended two stories. In the kitchen he saw the spark of approval he’d longed to see.

“Oh, this looks like a kitchen where I’d love to cook,” she said.

Tony smiled. “You have a cook, but it’s your kitchen. You can do whatever you’d like.”

He took her down to the lower level through a theater room, fun family area, and an exercise room. It was as he opened the doors to the inside lap pool that he squeezed Claire’s shoulders and said, “I couldn’t build you a house without your favorite room.”

Standing in awe, she finally whispered, “It’s beautiful, thank you.”

Still holding her hand, he led her upstairs to the bedrooms: Nichol’s first and then hers. When they entered the master suite, Tony walked to the far wall and opened the draperies. As they parted, the room filled with natural light and two large French doors were exposed. Opening the doors, he beckoned her to the balcony. Stepping outside, he watched his wife as she shook her head and said “Tony, everything is so open and bright.”

Lifting her hands, he kissed the soft skin and stared into her emerald eyes. “This is your glass house, one that won’t shatter. I don’t want you to ever feel trapped again. I want you to be able to see the sky and sun or the moon and stars whenever you desire.”

She stepped closer, melting against him. “Thank you, I love it! But how—how did you do this? You were in prison.”

“I had a lot of help.”

Stepping to the rail, Claire scanned the grounds below. From their view they could see a pool, a basketball court, a large play set, and the edge of the gardens. Tony couldn’t be happier with the finished home. He owed his gratitude to Courtney. Everything was there, and beyond it all were Claire’s woods and her lake. That was why he couldn’t sell. It was why he prayed she wouldn’t sell. Claire was right: despite the bad, Tony knew the estate contained good memories. He hoped those would prevail. Tony and Claire sat on a gliding seat, and he said, “Of course, you still have your island. If you’d prefer, you can move back there. Although this view is beautiful, it’s difficult to compete with the view from your lanai. I just thought it might be easier on Nichol if you lived closer to John and Emily for a while.”

She lifted her head from his shoulder and asked, “Why do you keep saying
you
? You mean
we
.”

He couldn’t put it off any longer. If he did, Tony feared he wouldn’t be able to go through with his plans. Reaching into his breast pocket, he removed the envelope which Brent had given him less than twenty-four hours ago. “You and Nichol. Claire, this house, the entire estate, it’s yours.”

Her contented expression morphed. Tony watched as confusion became panic. With tears suddenly threatening, Claire replied, “I don’t know what’s in that envelope, but whatever it is, I don’t want it.”

Looking out over the trees, he tried to reassure her and to help her understand. Exhaling, he explained, “I tried to contact you. I wanted to be with you, to be there for you. The scene at the estate was crazy. When you pulled the trigger…”

He continued to talk, to fill in the gaps of what she knew and remembered. There was so much that had happened in the two years since that incident. How could he possibly sum it all up? How could he explain what he’d been through, what he’d done? Tony knew it hadn’t just been him. She’d been through hell, too. They both had. If only they could have walked through the flames together, but they didn’t. They’d both taken their own personal journey, ones that brought them back to here, back to the beginning.

He tried to express how badly he wanted to get to her, how hard he tried. He also wanted her to know that he’d taken responsibility for the things that he’d done. He confessed and accepted his fate. Tony would never burden her with how difficult it was at Yankton. After all, she’d never told him about her time in prison. They’d both suffered. The difference was that Tony was the only one responsible. He wouldn’t continue to hurt her. He couldn’t.

Claire shook her head and pleaded her case. She didn’t say anything that he hadn’t already thought. As he listened, he realized that she was doing what he’d taught her to do, what at one time he’d required of her. She was pushing her memories and fears away to attend to him. He couldn’t allow that, not anymore. Claire needed to face their past and recognize that they couldn’t have a future—not together. It would never be healthy. He’d caused too much damage.

“I remember it all,” she refuted. “You’re the one who always said the past is the past, and to think about the present or the future.”

“I was wrong. You need to face it, and so do I. In all those discussions on the island, we never spoke about the things in Meredith’s book—”

Tears coated her cheeks, as Claire interrupted, “Because we were both there. During our discussions in paradise, you told me things I had no way of knowing. I know what happened between us. I also know it was a long time ago and it’s over. I don’t want to rehash it. I want the future.”

He feigned a smile. He wanted a future too—for her. “That’s what I want for you, too. I want
you
to have a future, free from all of our past. That’s why I built you a new, memory-free house, and Claire, that’s why Brent is ready to file for our divorce.”

She didn’t respond as her expression lost all understanding. He waited, wondering what she was thinking. Her eyes weren’t telling him what he needed to know. He longed for the fire behind the green. Finally, Tony asked, “Did you hear me? I won’t be the one to hurt you anymore, nor will Emily. You deserve fresh air and freedom. No one will ever be able to control you. Besides the money you still have invested overseas, I’m giving you the estate, a handsome settlement, and child support. With your wealth you can do anything you’ve ever dreamt of doing. You’ll be in control of your and Nichol’s future. I won’t fight you on anything.” Sheepishly, he added, “I do hope you’ll allow me to see our daughter, but I understand if you don’t.” The judge had said he was an endangerment to Nichol. Did Claire feel the same? Tony tried to move on, “I think we’ve thought of everything regarding this house, but if there’s something else you want or need, it’s yours. You can have anything you want.”

Her voice cracked. “You don’t want
m-me
?”

Nothing could be further from the truth. He wanted her. This made so much more sense when he was back at Yankton, in Jim’s office. Tony needed Claire to recognize that it wasn’t her—it was him. He lifted her hand and kissed the top. “Don’t ever think that. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“The reason the judge wouldn’t lift the restraining order and allow me to see you was because when the judge asked me if the accounts in Meredith’s book were correct, I told him yes. I admitted to everything. He ruled that I was a danger to you and Nichol.”

“That’s ridiculous. You never would have, nor will you ever, hurt Nichol. Obviously, we’re together now, so all that legal drama is over.” Her voice cracked as she asked, “Why are you throwing me away now?”

Tony stood and faced the trees as he fought the impending red. Claire wasn’t thinking straight, it was his conditioning speaking, not her true emotions. Inhaling deeply, he remembered Jim’s words. It would take time, but eventually, she’d understand. Tony reiterated, “I’m not throwing you away! I’m setting you free.”

The pain in her voice broke his heart. With each word, another piece crumbled. She was crying and telling him she was sorry. Sorry for being crazy. Sorry for not following his rules. Sorry for disappointing him. He couldn’t let her feel that way. It was like that word she used in the book. She was never the one at fault, it was all him. He was the one who was sorry.

Tony knelt before the love of his life and gently reached for her chin. “No, Claire.
I’m
the one who’s disappointed
you,
over and over.” With the pad of his thumb, he tenderly wiped away her tears. “While I was in prison, I learned you were finally getting better. I tried, but Emily still wouldn’t allow me to contact you. She wouldn’t allow hardly anyone to contact you. Courtney told me she only saw you through Meredith. She also said Emily wouldn’t even let you see Nichol.” The intensity of his eyes grew with each word, “I hated your sister! I was powerless to help you, and she was keeping you prisoner. I couldn’t even talk to you. Hell, I heard that even your time outside was monitored.”

Tony stood and once again paced the length of the balcony trying to rein in the red. Why did it need to surface around her? Tony knew why; he’d learned why. The red wasn’t just anger. It was emotion: emotion that threatened his better judgment and consumed his soul. Sometimes that emotion was anger, other times desire. Claire was the spark to his dry existence. In her presence the fire grew. There had been times he’d been unable to control the blaze, but now he’d learned to dampen the flames. Once he’d calmed, Tony continued, “While in prison, I agreed to counseling. I didn’t want to do it, but if doing it could help get me out of there early, I figured
what the hell
.” He sat back down. “I spoke to this shrink three times a week. It started with my answering his questions. Over time, it became easier to talk. When I told him how upset I was with Emily and what she was doing to you, he asked me why I was upset. I said it was because of what she was doing. He told me to think about it more and figure out
why
I was so upset. I had two days before I saw him again. Throughout those days, I couldn’t stop thinking about his question. It seemed obvious, until I realized…” His voice trailed away. Why was it so difficult to admit what Claire already knew, what she should know better than anyone else?

“What?” Claire asked, “What did you realize?”

“I was so angry with Emily, because she was doing the same thing to you that I’d done. I didn’t just hate Emily. I hated myself!” He knelt before her and bowed his forehead to her knees. “I will
not
allow anyone to hurt you again. That includes me.”

Claire’s fingers weaved through his hair. “Tony, you were at Everwood. You heard me. I forgave Emily. And many years ago, I forgave you, too. I don’t want to be free from you. I lived almost two years believing I’d killed you. I thought that was why no one mentioned your name. During that time, I fantasized about you and cried for you. Now you’re here. I can touch you! I want my family back together. Besides, I’m still an outpatient. If you divorce me, they’ll never allow me to have custody of Nichol. If you do this, you’re not freeing me; you’re abandoning me.” Her tears were freely flowing once again.

Tony stood and squared his shoulders. “You’re right. I don’t want you to lose Nichol. We’ll start with a separation…” He explained how it would work. She and Nichol could live at the estate, and he’d stay at his apartment. He didn’t want to stop her from getting custody of their daughter, and with the help of a nanny, there shouldn’t be any legal concerns.

It took every ounce of restraint, but he did it. Tony dampened the flame and worked to set Claire free. Eventually, Claire stood, straightened her shoulders, and silently walked past him, back into the bedroom. He didn’t know what to do. His heart told him to follow her, fall at her feet, and beg for forgiveness. The pain in her eyes had been almost too much to bear. But he’d made his decision, and given his word. This was what was best for her.

Hearing his name, he turned toward the suite. Claire was speaking, “I can’t see Nichol looking like this,” she said, her tone emotionless. “I’m going to take a shower and clean up. I presume my closets are full, like Nichol’s?”

“They are,” he replied.

“Where’s the staff? I’d like something to eat.”

There was no emotion in her voice or her eyes. Perhaps, she too could dampen her flames. No, he knew she could. He’d taught her to do it,
required
it of her, a long time ago. He replied, “I gave them the night off. I’ll go into town and get something. By the time I get back, you should be ready.”

Claire nodded, turned, and walked away.

As he walked toward the car, he reassured himself that this was for the best. It was for her, and for his Claire, he’d do anything, even give her up.