Being Emily (2 page)

Consumption no be done aboot it?

Patrick stood leanin against the washin pole, swingin the bag fae side tae side. The grass was all worn and patchy under his foot.

If you like, ah’ll teach you tae bake bread
.

Really?

Ah’ll bring hame some yeast the morra. Mammy’s no workin so
you won’t have tae watch the twins. You can watch yer dough risin
instead
.

Patrick lifted the lid of the bin and chucked the binbag inside. Then he went out the gate and doon the lane. The last of the sun was vanishin over the roof tops and the back of the buildin looked like a castle, big grey blocks a sandstone risin out the earth. Deep recessed sills. Mammy would of liked a new house wi wur ain garden, but Da loved ten ements.
Solid
, he’d say.
Built tae last
. He was a tiler tae trade, done bathrooms and kitchens maistly, but he loved the tiles in our close, the subtlety of their colours, even the wee cracks that ran through them.
They don’t make them like that noo
.

Our flat was two up and at the back bedroom windae the curtains were drawn. With a bit of luck the twins would be lyin next tae their scabby Barbies, sleepin like wee angels, breathin deeply and dreamin about line dancin. Ma and Da would be sittin on the couch thegether, watchin TV.

The grass felt sticky wi damp and deep grey settled round the back court. The fluorescent light in our kitchen flickered then snapped on, and Mammy’s face was at the windae, peerin out. She spotted me and smiled, made a T sign wi her index fingers. Ah gied her the thumbs-up, lifted ma book, and heided inside.

PATRICK TOOK THE
lump of dough ah’d been wrestlin with and kneaded it, pushin the outer part intae the centre, then pressin wi the fleshy part of his palm, just at the base of his thumb, fingers steady and firm. The yella daud, crisscrossed wi creases, smoothed intae a solid mass.

Looks like you’re giein it a massage
.

Wouldnae like tae get wan fae you then
. He kidded on he was attackin the dough.

Ah dunted him in the ribs.

Ow, ow, Mammy she’s attackin me
.

Don’t make a mess, you two – yer Auntie Janice’ll be here soo
n. Mammy bent doon tae the washin machine, hauled the claes out.

Patrick plaited the dough intae a neat shape.

Here, brush a wee drap milk on the tap – a wee bit – you’re no
emulsionin the walls
.

The milk dripped aff the brush, left a sticky trail on the worksurface.

Stick it in the oven and whatever you dae don’t open it for twenty
minutes
.

Can you hang these out for me, hen? Looks as though the rain’ll
keep aff for a while
.

Ah wasnae convinced – a big grey cloud was heidin in fast – but ah never said anythin. When it comes tae washin Mammy is the eternal optimist. We’ve got a pulley but she just loves hangin the washin outside. When she got the new machine last year the guy in the shop tellt her she could get wan wi a tumble drier for the same price but she didnae want it.
Doesnae smell the same if you don’t put it outside
, she said.

Auntie Janice arrived in the close just as ah was comin in fae the back court. She’s only five year younger than Mammy but looks completely different; short spiky hair wi coloured streaks through it, a nose stud and trendy claes.

Hi Fiona
. She gied me a big hug.
How’s the poetry?

Ah wrote a new wan last night. About the wee cat in the bin
shelter
.

Good for you
.

Miss Hughes said you could write poetry about ordinary things
as well
.

We went upstairs and in the front door. Janice shouted,
Anybody here?
so the twins would have time tae hide. Ever since they were wee she done this same routine but they never seemed tae get fed up wi it. Then she said in a very loud voice,
What a shame. Ah was so lookin forward tae seein the twins.
Oh well. Ah’ll just need tae eat these sweeties all by mysel
.

All of a sudden she was near knocked tae the ground by what looked like twenty twins chargin fae the livin room. Mammy appeared at the door of the kitchen and they turnt back intae angels.

Don’t jump on your auntie like that. And you’re no gettin sweeties
at this time of the day – they can go in the cupboard for later. Janice,
you’ll need tae stop bringin them so much rubbish
.

The twins followed us into the kitchen.

What’s that smell?
said Rona.

Patrick’s teachin me tae bake bread – he showed me how tae dae
the kneadin and everythin
.

Yuck
, said Mona and they disappeared intae the bedroom to play.

It’s just about ready
, said Patrick.
Want tae take it out the oven?

Ah opened the door and there it was, a beautiful golden plaited loaf. Ah lifted it out, turned it carefully ontae the rack tae cool.

That smells fantastic
, said Janice.

Fiona’s first loaf. You can have some wi your tea
. Mammy switched on the kettle.

Wanny the auld guys showed me how tae dae it by haund
, said Patrick.
It’s all machines at the bakery noo
.

Really?
said Janice.
Another illusion shattered
.

Once we were sittin round the table Janice turnt tae Mammy and said,
Will ah tell them now?

On you go
.

Ah’m havin a baby
. Janice’s eyes shone.

Congratulations
, said Patrick.

That’s great
, ah said, chewin the bread. It was warm and the butter melted intae it. Tasted better than any bread ah’d ever had.
Ah didnae know you had a boyfriend
.

Ah don’t
, she said.

Sorry
. Ah felt ma face gaun red. Should of known better. Auntie Janice was dead independent. Career woman, Da called her.
Lots of women are single parents noo. And you’ve got a good
job and everythin
.

Ah’m no gonnae be a single parent – me and Angela will bring
the baby up thegether
.

Your flatmate?

My partner
.

Ah felt like a right numpty. Couldnae say anythin. Scared ah’d say somethin else stupid. Janice talked about how the father was a friend of theirs but he lived abroad and wouldnae have much tae dae wi the wean.

After we’d had tea Janice and Mammy took the twins out to the park, leavin me and Patrick to dae the washin up.

You’re awful quiet
, he said.
You okay? About Janice?

Aye – it’s just, ah just never realised
.

She’s been livin wi Angela for years. They dae everythin thegether
.

Aye but so dae Jean and Betty up the stair
.

Uhhuh
, said Patrick.

You’re kiddin. Jean and Betty are about ninety-five
.

No quite. Anyway, d’you think folk grow out of it when they get
past a certain age?

Naw, ah didnae mean that. Just cannae imagine them
…

Ah didnae know what ah meant. Never thought about it really. There was lesbian couples on the TV sometimes but that was different, they werenae real, characters in a soap opera or film stars or that. The idea that my auntie or the two wee auld ladies up the stair could be like that. It was just weird.

Patrick finished the last plate, wiped his haunds on the edge of the teatowel ah was usin.
You’re no … ah mean you don’t
think there’s anythin wrang wi it, dae you?

Ah wiped the sink wi the cloth and hung it on the drainin board.

Mammy seems to think it’s okay
.

But ma da thought there was somethin wrang about it.

What about the baby but?

What about it?
said Mammy. The twins were away tae their beds and the resty us were sittin in the living room, watchin TV, well, no actually watchin it, watchin ma da flick through the channels while we were waitin for
ER
tae come on.

Janice’ll be a great mother
.

That’s all very well when it’s toty
, said ma da.
But when it grows
aulder it’ll start askin where its daddy is
.

Loads of weans never have a daddy in the first place. Or they have
one that’s never around. At least Angela will be there
.

No the same
, said ma da.

Ah know it’s no the same
, said Mammy.
But there’s different
ways of daein things. Janice cannae help how she is
.

Ah kept quiet. Ah was surprised they were havin this conversation in fronty me and ah thought if ah said anything, they might stop. A few month ago they’d never of mentioned sex, even though Mammy had tellt me about it that long ago ah couldnae remember no knowin. And if anythin sexy came on the TV they’d change channels or send me out tae make tea.

Ah never said she could. Ah just think her and Angela should be
discreet, no flauntin it
.

Da
, said Patrick.
Why should they have tae lie about their relationship?

Ah never said that, you’re puttin words in ma mouth. There’s a
difference between bein discreet and lyin. Ah mean we don’t run round
the hoose wi nae claes on, dae we?

Patrick laughed.
We don’t. But some families dae. Willie Slavin’s
ma and da have a shower and then walk through the hall wi
nothin on
.

How d’you know that?

Harry tellt me. He was in the hoose wan day when Mrs Slavin
walked in the livin room, said ‘ah think ah left ma hairbrush in
here,’ picked it up and walked out again, starkers
.

Jeezo. Ah think that proves ma point about discretion
, said ma da.
Mrs Slavin
.

Could be worse
, said Patrick.
At least the Flanagans arenae at
it
.

Da turnt the volume up.
Shoosh. It’s startin
.

AS WE LEFT
the chapel Mrs Reilly slipped a sweetie tae the twins like she done every week after mass. The twins mouthed thankyous and Mammy smiled, placin the sweets in her bag.
For later
, she’d say, but later, at hame, she’d throw them in the bin.

Such a lovely family
.

Mrs Reilly wore a knitted beret even on a day like this in the height of summer. She sat in the pew in fronty us. Da was always nearest the centre aisle, then Patrick, me, Mammy, Rona and Mona. When the twins were toddlers it was easier tae have them at that end so if they got girny Mammy could bundle them out doon the side without disturbin the whole congregation.

Nooadays, of course, they were model children. Hair
smoothed back in alice bands, wearin identical pink cord skirts and sparkly tee shirts, white frilly socks and patent shoes, they sat demurely through mass, kneelin and staundin and sittin when they were supposed tae, only occasionally takin out their fifty pence piece for the collection and examinin it. They’d made their first Holy Communion in May so we all went up thegether when it was time, me sheltered behind Patrick’s blue cord jacket. He attracted attention fae the granny brigade too as he was always smartly dressed, that different fae the other young guys in their jeans and trainers. Patrick didnae buy many claes but the ones he had were expensive. Between Patrick and the twins naebody ever noticed me, which suited me fine.

When my granny was alive we used tae go round tae hers every Sunday efternoon for gammon sangwiches and hard boiled eggs and cake wi pink and yella squares in it. There was a funny smell in my granny’s: the pot of soup on the stove, solid wi barley, the ancient cat that ignored the twins’ attempts tae get it tae play wi balls of wool, the carpet in the hall that looked as if it was ages wi my granny, all mingled intae one.

Noo she was gone Sundays felt looser. Sometimes Patrick was on the nightshift and went tae his room in the efternoon tae have a nap or lie on his bed, listenin tae music on his heidphones. The twins played in the back court, sometimes by theirsels, other times entertainin weans fae the next close wi cartwheels or dancin displays. Ah went round tae the swing park to meet my pals.

Monica, Jemma and me had teamed up when we started secondary. Ah still mind that first day at St Philomena’s, the churnin feelin in my stomach. All the different primaries had been mixed up and in the mad scramble for seats ah was left
staundin like a stookie. Jemma rescued me. She appeared out of naewhere and said,
Partner?
Ah nodded and the two of us sat thegether at the front. Ah hardly knew her then, though ah’d seen her around cause she went to the same dancin school as the twins – her class came out as theirs went in. Monica arrived later, waited at the front of the class for the teacher tae find her a seat. Sweet and smiley, that neat and shiny in her uniform she looked as if someone had polished her. When ah got tae know her family ah suspected her mother actually did polish her alang with everything else in their immaculate house. Her parents owned a Chinese takeaway and her ma cleaned the house fae top to bottom, drove Monica to school and went tae mass afore her long day’s work.

Jemma was on a swing when ah arrived, swayin gently, tappin one foot on the ground tae stop hersel gaun high.

You’re late
.

Had tae wash up
.

Time your ma got a dishwasher
.

Ah sat in the swing next tae Jemma’s, started to move, higher and higher, usin ma knees tae power me. Ah loved the squidgy feelin in my belly, felt ah was flyin. Ah kept on swingin, fast and high for a few minutes, then let the swing slow doon till it idled and stopped.

Ah love that feelin you get in your belly when the swing goes dead
high
.

A lassie in our Alison’s class says it’s a sin
. Jemma’s sister was fifteen.

How can it be a sin? You don’t go tellin the priest in confession
you went on the swings
.

It’s okay when you’re wee. But when you start gettin your thingummies,
the feelins you get are sexy
.

Really?

A nun tellt her
.

Ah started tae giggle.
How did the nun know?

Jemma giggled too, then the giggle became a laugh and the next minute the two of us were nearly fallin aff the swings helpless.

Mibbe it’s a … test
. Jemma could hardly get the words out.
If you want tae become a nun they test you to see if you can control
yer sexy feelins
.

The tears were streamin doon ma face.
Aye – when they join
the convent … they have a row of swings and all these nuns swingin
away prayin that they won’t feel sexy
.

Jesus Mary and Joseph protect me fae impure thoughts
.

Through the blur of tears ah seen Monica wavin at us fae across the road.

Ah waved back.
Don’t tell Mon what we were laughin at
.

Later, pretendin to read in the bedroom, ah kept thinkin about this efternoon. Sometimes it was like that when Jemma and me were on wur ain thegether. Monica was lovely but she’d of been really shocked about us laughin at nuns. And somehow, away fae Jemma, ah felt ashamed. Ah knew ah’d need tae confess it next time ah went and it made me feel a bit sick inside tae have to say it to a priest. Even though ah knew ah was really tellin Jesus and he knew anyway, it was dead embarrassin.

And ah kept wonderin about what Jemma had said. Ah’d always thought sexy feelins meant fancyin boys or someone in a band. In RE we’d done a unit called ‘Growing Up: Issues of Morality’ but it was all about no puttin yoursel in situations with boys that could go too far, kissin and stuff. No one ever said you shouldnae go on the swings. Ah wondered
if ah’d ever had other sexy feelins without knowin. Sometimes if ah woke up at night and needed the toilet, ah’d lie there for a minute, enjoyin the feelin of my bladder bein full, wantin tae go but wantin tae lie in the warmth too. Then when ah got up and peed the nice feelin went. Was that sexy too? Was any feelin inside you?

Fiona?
Mammy came in the bedroom.
Ah’m gonnae get the
twins aff tae bed
.

Okay
.

Mammy stroked my hair.
Sorry, hen. Your da’s watchin the TV
but if you want some peace you can read in the kitchen
. She smiled at me.

Ah wanted tae ask her, but somehow the words didnae come.

Four Years Later