Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives (3 page)

The need to be a role model often prompts Obligers to keep good habits. One Obliger friend eats vegetables only when his children can see him, and another told me, “I knew I'd never practice piano, so I waited until my kids could take lessons—and now we do it together, and I have to practice, because if I don't, they won't.” Obligers can sometimes do things for the sake of others that they couldn't do for themselves. Several Obligers told me, practically in the same words, “If it weren't for the children, I'd still be stuck in a bad marriage. I had to get the divorce for my kids.”

The weight of outer expectations can make Obligers susceptible to burnout, because they have trouble telling people “no.” An Obliger explained, “I drop everything to proofread my colleagues' reports, but I'm terrible about making time to finish my own reports.”

Obligers may find it difficult to form a habit, because often we undertake habits for our own benefit, and Obligers do things more easily for others than for themselves. For them, the key is external accountability.

Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike
.
They choose to act from a sense of choice, of freedom. Rebels wake up and think, “What do I want to do today?” They resist control, even self-control, and enjoy flouting rules and expectations.

Rebels work toward their own goals, in their own way, and while they refuse to do what they're “supposed” to do, they can accomplish their own aims. One Rebel told me, “My master's thesis was ten pages shorter than recommended, and I convinced the department to add an unconventional adviser to my panel. So I got it done and did well on it—but on my terms.”

Rebels place a high value on authenticity and self-determination, and bring an unshackled spirit to what they do. A Rebel commented, “I do the assignment I want to complete rather than the one assigned. The problem comes when there's something I'm expected to do regularly (like running weekly quality checks), and therefore I just can't.” At times, the Rebel resistance to authority is enormously valuable to society. As one Questioner pointed out, “The Rebels' best asset is their voice of dissent. We shouldn't try to school it out of them, or corporate culture it out, or shame it out. It's there to protect us all.”

But Rebels often frustrate others because they can't be asked or told to do anything. They don't care if “people are counting on you,” “you said you'd do it,” “your parents will be upset,” “it's against the rules,” “this is the deadline,” or “it's rude.” In fact, asking or telling Rebels to do something often makes them do just the
opposite
. A Rebel wrote: “Being told or expected to do something creates a ‘stop' sensation that I have to actively overcome. If I'm asked to empty the dishwasher, my brain says, ‘Well, I was going to, but now you went and asked, so I can't. So no.' ”

The people around Rebels must guard against accidentally igniting their spirit of opposition—particularly challenging for the parents of Rebel children. One parent explained, “The best way to wrangle the Rebel child is to give the kid the information to make a decision, present the issue as a question that he alone can answer, and let him make a decision and act without telling you. Let him make a decision without an audience. Audiences = expectations. If he thinks you're not watching, he won't need to rebel against your expectations.” Another parent: “My Rebel son got expelled and didn't want to work toward a career, though he's very smart. When he turned eighteen, we gave him an around-the-world plane ticket and said, ‘Over to you!' He traveled for three years, and now he's in grad school, and doing very well.”

Rebels sometimes frustrate even themselves, because they can't tell
themselves
what to do. Writer John Gardner observed, “My compulsion not to do what people tell me … makes me change places of living or change my life in one way or another, which often make me very unhappy. I wish I could just settle down.” On the other hand, Rebels can be skillful at channeling their Rebel energy in constructive ways. A Rebel who wants to stick to a budget might say, “I won't be manipulated by marketers trying to sell me junk,” or a Rebel who wants to succeed in school might say, “No one thinks I can get into a good college, but I'll show them.”

Rebels often gravitate toward work with a Wild West element—such as my Rebel friend who works in disruptive technology (not just any technology, he's careful to emphasize, but
disruptive
technology). Rebels resist hierarchies and rules, and they often work better with others when they're in charge. However, the opposite of a profound truth is also true, and surprisingly, some Rebels gravitate to institutions with many rules. As one commenter noted, “Letting others have control can bring freedom as well. You'd probably find more Rebels in the military than you'd suspect.” Another Rebel noted: “Perhaps Rebels need a boundary to bend, flex, and break. Left to my own devices, I become restless and unproductive because there are no rules to break or no to-do list, which at the end of the day I look at, and think, ‘Hooray, I didn't do any of those things.' ”

Anytime I speak about the Tendencies, I ask people to raise their hands to indicate their category. I was surprised when a group of Christian ministers had an unusually high percentage of Rebels. A Rebel clergy member explained: “Clergy think of themselves as called and therefore different. They have the blessing of their colleagues, congregation, and God, which sets them above many things in life, including rules.”

No surprise—Rebels resist habits. I met a woman who was, I immediately realized, a Rebel. I asked, “Don't you find it exhausting to make choices every single day?”

“No,” she answered. “Making choices makes me feel free.”

“I give myself limits to give myself freedom,” I told her.

She shook her head. “Freedom means no limits. To me, a life controlled by habits sounds dead.”

Rebels resist habits, but they can embrace habit-like behaviors by tying their actions to their choices. A Rebel explained, “If I have to do something ‘every day,' it guarantees I won't do it. But if I take it one day at a time, and decide I'll do it
this time
, then more often than not I end up with a streak.”

Most people, by a huge margin, are Questioners or Obligers. Very few are Rebels, and, to my astonishment, I discovered that the Upholder category is also tiny. (In fact, because Upholders and Rebels are such small categories, people who try to shape people's habits on a large scale—employers, device manufacturers, insurance companies, instructors—do better to focus on solutions that help Questioners, by providing sound reasons, and Obligers, by providing accountability.)

We often learn most about ourselves by learning about other people, and when I began my habits research, I assumed that I was pretty average—I
feel
pretty average—so it was a shock to realize that as an Upholder, I'm actually an extreme and rare type of personality.

I mentioned my surprise to my husband, Jamie, who said, “Of course you have an extreme personality. I could have told you that.”

“
Really?
” I said. “How did you know?”

“I've been married to you for eighteen years.”

Novelist Jean Rhys observed, “One is born either to go with or to go against.” From what I've observed, our Tendencies are hardwired, and while they can be offset to some degree, they can't be changed. While it's often difficult to identify a child's Tendency (I still can't figure out the Tendencies of my two daughters), by adulthood, most people fall into a Tendency that shapes their perception and behavior in a fundamental way.

Yet whatever our Tendency, with greater experience and wisdom, we can learn to counterbalance its negative aspects. As an Upholder, for instance, I've learned to resist my inclination to meet an expectation unthinkingly, and to ask, “Why am I meeting this expectation, anyway?”

Being married to a Questioner has helped me to learn to question more myself—or I rely on Jamie to question for me. One night we were at the theater, and at intermission I told him, “So far, I really do
not
like this play.” Jamie replied, “I don't, either. Let's go home.” I thought—what, can we just
go
? And we did. My first instinct is to do what's expected of me, but when Jamie scoffs, “Nah, you don't have to do that,” it's easier for me to decide, “That's right, I don't have to do that.”

For his part, I think Jamie has become more of an Upholder over the years, at least at home. Although he's inclined to meet my requests with questions—“Why do I have to do that?” “What's the point?” “Can't I do that later?”—he's learned that I always have a reason for a request, and it bugs me to have to spell it out. He's improved (somewhat) at accepting my expectations without prolonged debate.

Knowing our Tendency can help us frame habits in a compelling way. I exercise regularly because it's on my to-do list; a Questioner rattles off the health benefits of exercise; an Obliger takes a weekly bike ride with a partner; and when my Rebel friend Leslie Fandrich wrote about how she started running, she emphasized Rebel values of freedom and desire:
“Running seems like the most efficient
and independent way to get myself back into shape … I can go when it suits my schedule without having to pay for a gym membership. I also love getting outside for some fresh air and it's a great way to listen to new music.”

The Four Tendencies can provide valuable guidance to anyone trying to help others change: a boss trying to help employees to be more productive; or a health-care provider trying to prod people to take their medication; or a consultant, coach, trainer, or therapist trying to help people achieve their aims. If we're trying to persuade people to adopt a habit, we have more success if we consider their Tendency. For example, a Questioner may present an Obliger with sound reasons for taking an action, but those logical arguments don't matter nearly as much to an Obliger as external accountability. An Upholder can lecture a Questioner on obligation—and make a Questioner
less
likely to meet an expectation, because Questioners question all obligations. A friend told me her strategy when her Rebel father's doctor prescribed a medication. “The doctor went on about how important it was to take the medicine. I know better than to tell my father what to do, so afterward, when he said, ‘What do you think, should I take it?' I said, ‘Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.' He said, ‘What, you want me to die?' and he takes it.”

For the most part, although they may regret the downsides, Upholders, Questioners, and Rebels tend to embrace their category. I love being an Upholder, even though I recognize its pitfalls. My Upholderness allowed me to take the steps that led to a clerkship with Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, and when I decided to become a writer, it enabled me to make an enormous career switch. (Of course, my Upholderness also meant that I spent a lot of time worrying about things like whether a comma should be italicized in a footnote reference to a law journal. For real.) Questioners sometimes feel exhausted by their questioning, but they do think everyone should be Questioners, because that approach is most rational. Rebels sometimes say they wish they could follow the rules, but they wouldn't want to stop being Rebels.

Obligers, however, often dislike their Tendency. They're vexed by the fact that they can meet others' expectations, but not their expectations for themselves. With the other three Tendencies, much of the frustration they create falls on others. Other people may get annoyed by stickler Upholders, or interrogator Questioners, or maverick Rebels, but it's “people pleaser” Obligers themselves who bear the brunt of the downsides of that Tendency.

Obligers, in fact, may reach a point of Obliger rebellion, a striking pattern in which they abruptly refuse to meet an expectation. As one Obliger explained, “Sometimes I ‘snap' because I get tired of people making assumptions that I'll always do things as expected. It's sort of a rebellious way of asserting myself.” Another added, “I work very hard to keep my commitments to other people, but I'll be darned if I can keep a promise to myself … Though every once in a while I will absolutely refuse to please.” They may rebel in symbolic ways, with their hair, clothes, car, and the like.

This contrarian streak among Obligers explains another pattern I've noticed: almost always, if a Rebel is in a long-term relationship, that Rebel is paired with an Obliger. Unlike Upholders and Questioners, who are distressed by the Rebel's expectation-rejecting behavior, the Obliger enjoys the Rebel's refusal to truckle to outward expectations. One Rebel explained the dynamics of this combination: “My husband is a big part of how I'm able to look like I function well in the normal adult world. He mails the rent check, which is nice because I always resent it being due on the same day every month. He deals with trash day, and moving the car for snow plows, and he makes sure the peskily regular bills are paid on time. (I really hate punctuality.) While when we talk through big decisions, I'm usually the final word.”

But whatever our Tendency, we all share a desire for autonomy. If our feeling of being controlled by others becomes too strong, it can trigger the phenomenon of “reactance,” a resistance to something that's experienced as a threat to our freedom or our ability to choose. If we're ordered to do something, we may resist it—even it's something that we might otherwise want to do. I've watched this happen with my daughter Eliza. If I say, “Why don't you finish your homework, get it out of the way?” she says, “I need a break, I've got to stop.” If I say, “You've been working so hard, why don't you take a break?” she says, “I want to finish.” It's easy to see why this impulse creates problems—for health-care professionals, for parents, for teachers, for office managers. The more we push, the more a person may resist.