Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives (6 page)

Lack of sleep also leads to dithering. Procrastination expert Piers Steel reports that
being “too tired” is the most common reason
people give for procrastination. One study estimated that
for every hour of interrupted sleep
during the previous night, people wasted 8.4 minutes in online puttering—checking email, Internet surfing, and the like. And while many people claim, “I've trained myself to get by with five hours” and say they don't feel particularly sleepy, research shows that the chronically sleep deprived are quite impaired. Yet many adults routinely sleep less than seven hours.

On a flight to San Francisco, I saw with my own eyes the evidence of people's sleep deprivation. At midday, many passengers were fast asleep. Not dozing; completely zonked out.

I mentioned this to a friend, and he bragged, “Oh, I always sleep on planes. I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime.”

“Maybe you're chronically underslept,” I suggested. It took all my strength not to launch into a lecture on the importance of sleep.

“No, I'm not,” he said. “I've learned to adjust to very little sleep.”

“If you sit still for ten minutes in a quiet room,” I asked, “can you fall asleep?”

“Yes.”

“Are you dragged out of a sound sleep by the alarm every morning?”

“Is there any other way to wake up?”

“Do you depend on caffeine and sugar to give you energy spikes?”

“Sure.”

“Do you feel too tired at night to do anything but watch TV or surf the Internet?”

“What else would I do?”

“Do you binge-sleep on the weekends by sleeping in very late or taking lots of naps?”

“Of course.”

Hmmmm.

He didn't mind being sleep deprived, but I needed my seven hours, and I fought to protect my sleep time against any encroachment. Or so I thought, until I decided to use the UP band's sleep-tracking function. (Or try to use it—some nights I forgot to press the button to start the sleep tracker. Finally, instead of trying to “remember,” I piggybacked this new habit onto my old habit of setting my alarm.)

To my dismay, the UP band revealed that even an avowed sleep nut like me often stayed up too late. I'd fallen into a classic failure-to-monitor trap: because I felt smug about my good sleep habits, I remembered the nights when I went to bed at 9:45, but overlooked the nights when I stayed up until 11:30 or later.

Once monitoring showed that I wasn't getting enough sleep, I decided to give myself a specific bedtime. Every night, if I was home, I'd aim to be in bed by 10:30.

Now, every night at 10:30, I tell myself, “It's my bedtime,” and if I'm still up at 11:00, I say, “It's thirty minutes past my bedtime.” Using a clear rule, instead of “feeling sleepy,” helps because too often I get into that restless, wired-but-tired state that tricks me into thinking that I'm not ready for bed, when I'm actually exhausted.

In addition to tracking these health habits, I wanted to deploy the Strategy of Monitoring in the important area of
time
. I know that if I don't measure certain values in my life, I neglect them. I decided to track how much time I spent reading; reading is both my cubicle and my playground, and it's my favorite thing to do—if I'm honest with myself, it's practically the only pastime I really enjoy. I'm not a very well-rounded person.

For the last few years, however, it seemed as though I never did any reading. Objectively this couldn't be true. I checked books out of the library and returned them after I'd finished them. I bought books and put them on the shelf, read. I took notes on my reading. Yet I had no idea when I found time to read.
When did I read?

My friend Laura Vanderkam
, a time-management expert, emphasizes the power of tracking time use, so I decided to try that. I made a daily time log—a simple grid with the days of the week mapped against the hours of the day in thirty-minute increments. The log could be used to track any activity, but I planned to record my reading time.

Or maybe not. After a few days, I admitted defeat. Many people find the time log to be an invaluable tool, but I just
could not
use it. The paper was never in the right place, or I kept forgetting to enter my reading time.

I disliked the idea of getting more dependent on my phone—after all, I still rely on my ancient Filofax—but I was already using my phone to monitor, so I decided to use it to monitor my reading, too. After some cursory research into time-tracking apps (Secret of Adulthood: Most decisions don't require extensive research), I downloaded the TimeJot app. I couldn't get myself to use it. Next, HoursTracker. No luck. I just couldn't get in the habit of recording my reading time, and the more I tried, the more annoyed I got. This attempted habit wasn't doing any good, so I junked it.

However, even this failed attempt to monitor made me more aware of my desire to read. So, although I can't point to a time log to prove that I'm reading more, I'm pretty sure that I am.

I considered monitoring spending, as well. People aren't very good at tracking their expenditures; in one study, when
thirty people were asked to estimate
the amount on their credit card bill, every person underestimated that number, by an average of almost 30 percent. For many people, credit cards are themselves an obstacle to accurate monitoring of spending, because while handing over a wad of cash makes spending seem vividly real, using a charge card makes parting with money easier. The same principle of disguised expenditure explains why casinos require that gamblers play with chips, not bills, and why it's easy to overspend in a foreign country, where money looks as if it came from a board game.

For some people, however, plastic works better than cash. A reader noted, “When I get cash, it always seems to disappear quickly, and I have little idea how it was spent. I buy almost everything with one credit card. I log in to my account online regularly, and I can see what I've bought and how much I've spent.”

In the end, however, I decided not to monitor my spending. Monitoring is a powerful tool, and it would probably give me valuable insights into how Jamie and I spend money. But my spending was well under control—in fact, as an underbuyer, I often need to prod myself to
buy
. (For instance, my family is perpetually short of mittens and gloves.) Since monitoring takes time and energy, I decided that monitoring expenditures would only sap the energy I needed for monitoring the aspects of my life that I truly want to track.

As I talked to people about how they monitor themselves, the potentially dangerous concept of
moderation
kept cropping up. Framing a level of activity or consumption as moderate can be misleading, because while the word “moderation” implies reasonableness and restraint, it's actually a relative term. Moderate in comparison to what? Two hundred years ago,
Americans ate less than a fifth
of the sugar that we eat today. So a “moderate” amount of sugar by today's standards could be considered excessive by historical standards. Monitoring requires us to make an actual reckoning, which defeats the comfortable fuzziness of moderation.

As I'd hoped, Monitoring was having a good effect on my habits. Even before applying more active habits strategies, I'd noticed myself making small shifts, as the data provided by tracking helped nudge me to do
better than before
.

Also, I enjoyed monitoring. As an Upholder, I like watching my progress and getting credit for my accomplishments, and in some situations, I didn't mind the grunt work of tracking. Monitoring tends to appeal to Questioners, too, because they love getting information and using it to shape their habits. From what I've observed, however, Obligers may struggle to monitor unless someone is checking on them. Just wearing a UP band might not supply enough external accountability for some Obligers—but activating the “team” feature, to allow other people to check their stats, might help. Rebels? It depends on whether Rebels
want
to monitor.

My biggest monitoring challenge was my urge to monitor myself selectively, because it's tempting to record only my virtuous moments. On the other hand, when I feel as though I haven't made much progress, monitoring is a reminder of what I
have
accomplished. Progress, not perfection, is the goal. I'm a gold-star junkie, and I love scrolling back on my UP report to see that I exceeded my 10,000-step goal, but I also know that 5,000 steps are better than 1,000. A Secret of Adulthood (cribbed from Voltaire) is “Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” Monitoring makes it possible to remember everything I've accomplished.

At times, I did find that my monitoring distracted me from my own experience, and perhaps kept me from encountering it as deeply as I might have done if I hadn't been monitoring. If I'm fussing with the sleep function on my UP band, I may not notice how good it feels to stretch out in bed. Nonetheless, monitoring is invaluable, because it helps ensure that I
get to bed
. How will I get a good night's sleep if I stay glued to my computer until midnight? By monitoring the activities that I want to foster, I get an accurate picture of what I'm doing, which helps me see what I want to do differently.

My sister, Elizabeth, had decided that knowing her blood sugar level was so important that she had to monitor it as closely as possible; I wasn't monitoring anything nearly as vital, of course, but the same principle applied: I should monitor whatever is essential to me. In that way, I ensure that my life reflects my values.

Habits gradually change the face of one's life as time change's one's physical face; & one does not know it.

—Virginia Woolf,
Diary
, April 13, 1929

T
he observational Strategies of Four Tendencies, Distinctions, and Monitoring take their power from self-awareness. Because I tend to gravitate toward the concrete, I was eager to get out of my own head to start acting on what I'd learned. I'd begin by working on the Strategy of Foundation, because I'd have an easier time fostering good habits if my Foundation was strong.

While some experts advise focusing
on one habit project at a time to avoid draining willpower, others note that
people who work on one positive habit
often find it easier to improve in other areas; for instance, people who stick to a program of exercise also show better health- and work-related behaviors. Maybe that's one reason so many major religions have periods of ritualized self-denial, like Lent, Ramadan, and Yom Kippur. Self-command breeds self-command, and change fosters change. The reverse is true, too: undesirable habits often cluster together and reinforce each other.

If we want to improve our habits, where should we begin? I often remind myself, “First things first.” That is, begin by addressing big, obvious problems.

Surprisingly often, when people want to improve their habits, they begin with a habit that won't deliver much payoff in return for the habit-formation energy required. I knew a guy who was chronically sleep deprived, never exercised, could never find his keys or his wallet, was constantly late for work, never had time to play the tennis that he loved, and who chewed gum constantly, and he told me, “I've
got
to make some changes. I'm going to give up gum.”

I didn't tell him, but his decision reminded me of an old joke. Late one night, a policeman sees a man weaving around under a streetlight.

“Sir, what are you doing?” the policeman asks.

“I'm looking for my car keys,” answers the man, obviously drunk.

“Is this where you lost them?”

“No, I lost them back there,” the man replies, as he points over his shoulder to a dark area of the sidewalk, “but the light is better here.”

I've noticed that when many people decide to improve their habits, they don't begin by looking where their keys are; they begin by looking in an easy spot. But then they don't find their keys.

So where
should
we start? It's helpful to begin with habits that most directly strengthen self-control; these habits serve as the Foundation for forming other good habits. They protect us from getting so physically taxed or mentally frazzled that we can't manage ourselves.

From my observation, habits in four areas do most to boost feelings of self-control, and in this way strengthen the Foundation of all our habits. We do well to begin by tackling the habits that help us to:

1. sleep

2. move

3. eat and drink right

4. unclutter

Foundation habits tend to reinforce each other—for instance, exercise helps people sleep, and sleep helps people do everything better—so they're a good place to start for any kind of habit change. Furthermore, somewhat mysteriously, Foundation habits sometimes make profound change possible. A friend once told me, “I cleaned out my fridge, and now I feel like I can switch careers.” I knew
exactly
what she meant.

For this reason, Foundation habits deserve special priority. It was no coincidence, I realized, that for my monitoring experiment, I'd chosen to monitor habits that fall into three of the four areas of Foundation. Even before I'd pinpointed the idea of the “Foundation,” I'd intuited the significance of these particular areas.

Although my habits are pretty good, the Strategy of Monitoring had shown me that I could do a lot to improve my own Foundation.

First: sleep.
My bedtime was 10:30, but I felt a persistent tug to stay up later. Finally, I realized that although I'd always assumed that feeling tired pushed me toward sleep, feeling exhausted often made me stay up
later
. Going to bed demands a real burst of psychic and physical energy. When I'm too tired to switch gears, and I can't face the thought of washing my face, I delay going to bed.

I started to prepare for sleep earlier. Now I wash my face, brush my teeth, swap my contact lenses for glasses, and put on my pajamas well before 10:30. Clearing away these minor tasks makes it easier to go to bed when it's time.

I discovered an unexpected bonus to sticking to my bedtime. The last thirty minutes before bed is a danger zone; my self-control is depleted, so I struggle with my good habits. I often head to the kitchen for a last snack. (
Being mildly but chronically short of sleep
makes people more susceptible to hunger and temptation—perhaps one reason that obesity is more common among those who get less than six hours of sleep.) I'm cranky, so I sometimes pick a fight with Jamie by wildly overreacting to his failure to change a lightbulb or answer an email. Going to sleep on time means that I spend less time awake in that depleted state.

As I talked to other people about their sleep habits, however, something puzzled me. Repeatedly, people told me that they were painfully, chronically exhausted—yet when I made the unoriginal suggestion that they go to bed earlier, they became upset and resentful. Why?

I began to understand. These folks schedule very little time for themselves, they race around without a break, and their only leisure time comes at night. Some use that time to catch up on work—to knock off some emails or to read a report. Others use the time for fun. Their kids are asleep, the trash is out, office emails have stopped, and they can finally spend the time with their spouse, or enjoy some solitude, or goof off.

A law school friend told me, with surprising vehemence, “I work at a shitty job at a law firm from morning to night. Without that time at the end of the day, to read, to relax, I have nothing for myself.”

“You might feel better if you got more sleep,” I pointed out.

“If I went to sleep earlier, that would mean the firm is getting
all
of me.” He shook his head. “No way.”

People don't want to lose that precious open slot of time, even to sleep. It feels like a deprivation—and people
hate
to feel deprived. This it's-my-only-time-to-myself phenomenon is a big habits challenge. “Rest, relax, and enjoy” is #4 of the Essential Seven, and many people complain of constant exhaustion yet cling to that last outpost of open time. But the fact is, we need sleep.

Second: move.
Physical activity is the magical elixir of practically everything. Exercise relieves anxiety, boosts energy and mood, improves memory, sharpens executive function, and contributes to weight maintenance. It both energizes us and calms us.
Among its most helpful benefits
, it can help us stick to our other good habits by strengthening our self-command. Also, it certainly makes everyday life easier. At Parents' Night at my daughters' school, I see many parents wait in a long line to take the elevator rather than face three flights of stairs.

Some people assume that “exercise” requires a long visit to the gym, complete with shower, but just moving around gives benefits.
The people who get the biggest boost
in health are those who go from being completely sedentary to being slightly less sedentary, with the main drop in mortality rates coming from people doing their first twenty minutes of exercise (about 40 percent of Americans report that they get
no
exercise).

However, of people who start an exercise program,
about half have dropped out
by the six-month point. The reason, I suspect, is that people often choose a form of exercise based on misleading factors, such as how they want to change their appearance; what's in fashion (as with clothes and hairstyles, different forms of exercise go in and out of vogue); or what someone else suggests. These considerations can be helpful, but in the end, we're far more likely to stick with an exercise routine that suits our temperament and schedule. For instance, a night person shouldn't expect to get up early to exercise; it's just not going to happen.

Many factors contribute to whether an exercise regimen is likely to suit a particular individual. It's important to consider:

Are you a morning person or a night person (Lark or Owl)?

Do you enjoy spending time outdoors, or do you prefer not to deal with weather?

Are you motivated by competition?

Do you enjoy exercising to strong music and a driving beat, or do you prefer a quiet background?

Do you respond well to some form of external accountability (a trainer, a running group), or is internal accountability sufficient?

Do you like to challenge yourself with exercise (learning a new skill, pushing yourself physically), or do you prefer familiar activities?

Do you like sports and games?

Is it inconvenient for you to take a shower afterwards?

As I considered my own answers—Lark, both, no, quiet, internal, familiar, no, sometimes—I realized why my exercise routine works well for me. I don't like to push myself very hard
at all
, or try new things, and I don't. Each week, indoors, I take one relaxed yoga class and make one or two trips to a cardio gym for forty undemanding minutes split between the StairMaster and the stationary bike. Once a week, I do push myself hard, in my work-to-failure strength-training session; it's extremely challenging, but it lasts only twenty minutes, so I can stand it.

Other people, of course, have a completely different set of preferences. Someone told me: “I finally realized that I'm motivated by competition. Since I realized that, I've been having weekly ‘events' with my friends. For the longest time I've wanted to be this excited about working out.”

In tackling this area of my Foundation, I didn't want to add more official periods of “exercise” to my week, but I did want to move around more. As a writer, I sit for many hours to work, and I spend most of my free time sitting as well, so I looked for a few habits to help pull me onto my feet.

One of my twelve Personal Commandments is to “Act the way I want to feel.” It's easy to assume that we
act
because of the way we
feel
, but to a very great degree, we
feel
because of the way we
act
. If I act with more energy, I'll feel more energetic.

I decided to set myself the habit of going for a walk once each weekend. Each time I set off, it was an effort to get myself out the door, but I did return each time with more energy.

While physical activity is a key aspect of the Foundation and has many emotional and physical benefits, people often assume that its most important benefit is something that, ironically, it doesn't provide:
exercise doesn't promote weight loss
. It seems to help people maintain their weight—active people are less likely to gain or regain weight than inactive people—but it's
not
associated with weight loss. There are many compelling reasons to exercise, but study after study shows that weight loss isn't one of them. The way to lose weight is to change eating habits.

Third: eat and drink right.
Few aspects of everyday life are more foundational than eating, but many people feel out of control with food. There's a paradox: because the brain needs food to manage impulses, one of the best ways to avoid impulsive overeating is to eat.

For my Foundation, I decided to make it a habit to eat only when I was hungry, and stop as soon as I was full. This is harder than it sounds, however, because so many cues overwhelm our sense of physical hunger. Often we eat not from hunger, but because of routine, social influences, the sight or smell of food, and other external triggers. (Unfortunately, being “on a diet” seems to make people more sensitive to outside cues.) Also, although the average meal is eaten in about twelve minutes,
it takes twenty minutes for the body
to register a feeling of fullness. In practice, I discovered, “eat only when I'm hungry” and “no seconds” turned out to be among the habits that I break most often. The logistics of life, and the temptations of food, make them hard to follow.

But while I still sometimes eat when I'm not hungry, I
always
eat when I'm hungry. I hate being hungry and was astonished when a friend told me, “My favorite thing is to wake up hungry in the middle of the night.” When I'm hungry, I get “hangry,” with a quick temper, and I can't work or think.

To that end, I always eat breakfast.

There's some controversy about breakfast.
Many people point to studies
showing that breakfast eaters tend to be thinner, but this is an observation about correlation, not causation;
a study of existing research
concluded that the habit of skipping breakfast showed little or no effect on weight gain. Nevertheless, although I'm not convinced there's any special magic to breakfast, I always do eat breakfast. Not letting myself get too hungry is part of my Foundation.

Research suggests that skipping meals is a bad idea, perhaps because being hungry makes it harder to control impulses to overeat.
In one study of dieting women
, the women who didn't skip meals lost almost eight more pounds than those who sometimes did skip. Also, for many people, skipping breakfast leads to a whole day of bargaining and bad choices. As a friend and I waited to collect our daughters from a birthday party, she picked up a cupcake and explained, “I didn't eat breakfast this morning, so this is okay.”

Paired with eating is—drinking. Alcohol can interfere with the Foundation in many ways: it lowers our inhibitions (that's why it's fun) so we're more likely to overeat and drink more, disrupts sleep, makes people less likely to exercise, and undercuts efforts at self-control.