Better Than Me (17 page)

It wasn’t his fault.  He has to know that. “Davis, Cole’s illness, it wasn’t your fault.” I gently whisper to him between soft sobs.

“That’s what everyone says.  My father tells me he feels lucky he didn’t lose both of us.  How can he feel that way when he is in a wheelchair for life?” 

“It’s amazing what we’ll do...for someone we love.”
  My head is on his shoulder and I look up to see a small sad smile on Davis’ lips, followed by a cleansing sigh.  He hugs me tighter.

“Do you understand more, now?  Is it a little clearer?”  he asks.

“Yes.”  It’s clear to me.  Davis and I might not work out.  If we do, it will take a work, a bunch of work.

***

  It starts snowing around 4:30 in the afternoon.  I can see it out the bay windows.   We have been sitting on the sofa for two hours or more. Not talking, just holding each other.  I need to tell Davis about my breakdown.  I need to tell him that I am not stable.  It can’t wait.  I need to do it now.

I pull away from Davis.  He isn’t making it easy, keeping a firm grip on me and saying, “Uh.. where are you going?”

“I have to be able to look at you.  Look you in the eyes.  There are things you need to know about me….”  I am about to reveal details about my summer and treatment, when Davis’ cell phone rings.

He looks at the number. “It’s my mother.  I
said good-bye, but left the house a little abruptly to come back to school.  I think I need to talk to her.”  Tilting his head, he frowns and squints his eyes in apology.  I indicate that he should take it.

“Hey, Mom…Yes, I know I left quickly.” He looks at me. “I needed to get back and take care of something.  Yes…it’s true….Kathleen and I broke up….I’m sorry you don’t understand…”  I can’t listen to anymore.  He was with Kathleen for a long time.  After his brother died
she was there for him.  She is almost already part of the Brandon family.  Those kind of attachments don’t just go away.

I move off the sofa and away from Davis to look out the window.  The snow is really coming down now.  It’s accumulating on the grass and the sidewalks.  I didn’t know this was coming, then again I haven’t
really been focused on the weather the past few days.  Listening to Davis’ phone conversation with his mother, I feel the panic starting.  I need to get everything out in the open.  I also need to get out.  Davis is still on the phone, so I move toward the door.  I left my Uggs and jacket on the table by the door.  I walk over and put them on.  I’m not running.  I just need air.

Moving to open the door, I feel Davis b
ehind me, still on the phone.  Reaching over my shoulder, he puts his hand on the door in front of me, not allowing me to leave.  He holds it shut.  I turn my head to look at him questioningly and he frowns at me.  He thinks I’m trying to run away.  I shake my head no.

Davis stays on the phone with his mom, while trying to communicate with me non-verbally. 
“I know, I know Mom, I should have told you immediately.  I realize you will have to manage the media.  There is a perfectly good reason…Mom…Mom? I have to go.  No, I have to go now.  I’ll call you later.”  He hangs up and pins me with a concerned stare. “Where do you think you are going?  Are you running?”

“No, I don’t think so…No…not running.  Just need some
space.. air.”

“Hang on.”  Davis grabs his jacket.  He takes my hand and walks me out of the building.  The snow falling is beautiful.  The air smells clean and refreshes me immediately.  I can tell by his deep exhalation and relaxation of his hand in mine that Davis
has noticed the atmospheric calm, too.  We walk across the street to the park.  The sidewalks aren’t shoveled.  It’s been snowing for a short time, but there is already at least an inch on the ground.  Looks like it could be a pretty heavy snowfall.

“So, why did you need to escape?  Was the story too much?  The phone call?”  It’s taken minutes for Davis to break the silence as we walk.

“That may have started it, but then I realized I needed to tell you something.  I need to tell you more about the summer before we go any farther.  I need to give you a chance to choose to get out of this.”

Davis stops walking suddenly, turns to me and takes my other hand, “What, What the hell are you saying to me?  A chance to cho
ose? What?”

“Davis, I am mentally ill.”

“Lizard, no you’re not.”

“No, Davis.  I am.  I have panic disorder.  I was diagnosed during the summer.  I
’ve worked really hard to get better, but I have to work at it every day.  Especially when things are stressful or anxiety provoking.”

“Lik
e your interaction with Suzette.  Or hearing all the information I just told you?”

“Yes,
that or if I am feeling unsure, like I don’t trust a person or a situation.  This past summer that was everyone, except my parents.”  I am trying to get him to understand.

“Do you trust me?”  he asks.

“Yes, I trust you, but I want you to be informed.  You might not want to take me on.  Your brother, your family.  You’ve been through so much.  I am still working on getting better, every day.”  I explain to Davis about my summer in therapy and group.  Needing Xanax.  I leave out my suspicions that Randall may have “done something” to me.

Davis interrupts me.  “My family and Kathleen have nothing to do wit
h us.  Panic disorder is not bipolar.  It’s everywhere.  I know more about mental illness now.  You sought treatment.  You are actively trying to get better.  Don’t you get it? I love you, Biz.  Lizard, there is no choosing.  I’ve already chosen you.  That’s it.”

“Are you sure?”  I barely finish the question as Davis brings both of my hands to his mouth and kisses them.  Then he lets go of them and brings his hands to my face and pulls me to hi
m for a kiss.  A gentle, loving, reassuring kiss.

“Very sur
e. I’m no prize, Lizard.  Now you know about Cole and my dad.  I stayed home to ‘help’ with my father’s recovery, but I was also a mess.  Everyone deals with grief differently.  I deferred college, but when I wasn’t helping with my Dad, I was drinking and fucking around.  When we had that talk yesterday, I wasn’t kidding.  I used girls.  Hearing you talk about being used by guys is excruciating for me.  To think I treated someone like that.  I’ll regret it forever.  I hope that if you forgive me, on some level I will be forgiven for all the girls I may have hurt.”  Davis is so sincere, my heart is breaking.

“I feel a little stupid.
” I say.  “I broke down over a bad relationship.  Followed by idiotic choices.  You have endured real pain, real loss and grief.”

“Hey, don’t do that.  Don’t minimize your pain.  You made bad decisions.  I made bad dec
isions.  We were both trying to get rid of the hurt and hurt ourselves in the process.  Neither one of us had more or less reason for that.  Nobody has more of a right than another to feel a certain way.” 

Davis continues, “
I AM sorry about Kathleen.  She pulled me out of my funk.  Got me to slow down on the drinking.   She convinced me it was okay to leave my dad and go to college.  I got engaged to her because it seemed like the right thing to do.  Cole had asked me to take care of her.  I felt like I owed them both, but I was never in love with her.”

Recalli
ng the phone call, I have to ask. “How do your mother and father feel about you breaking up with her?”

“Kathleen’s parents have money.  They are involved with my family politically.  It will be a change.  I suspect Kathleen never really loved me either.  We were just
caught up in the emotion of Cole’s death and turned to each other.  Our parents will understand eventually.”

We start walking again. The anxiety is overwhelming me, even with Davis’ reassurances.  I start babbling, “Davis, I completely understand if being with me is not the right thing for you.
I mean, we just got together.  We could stop this, I would hate it, I would be so sad, but I would do it.  I would stop it, if you thought my panic disorder was too much work or you needed to be with….”

“LIZARD!!”  His emphatic voice startles me out of my chatter.  “No more.  No more talk about not being together.  I want you.  I want us.  I have never wanted anything more in my life.  Being with you takes away all the pain.  I feel like I get another chance at being happy when I’m with you.
”

“Why?” I ask.  I can’t imagine why.
  I’m not rich, I’m not a great beauty like Kathleen.

“Little Lizard baby, you don’t even know how beautiful you are
, do you?”  I shake my head no.  “You are beautiful to me, to every guy.  I see them looking at you.”  I am thinking he is nuts.  “No, I’m not nuts.”  How’d he know what I was thinking.   Davis kisses me, deeply this time.  Biting my bottom lip and then parting them to give his tongue admission.  I kiss him back hungrily.  Pulling me closer to him, he lowers us down to the ground.  We are in the snow.  I open my eyes briefly to see snow in the limbs of the tree above us.  It’s like a dream.  The snow is cold on my back, but Davis, kissing me, pressing his firm body down on me, is warming me in the most delicious way.  After our day of confessions and traumatic tales, we give in to passion.  Maybe as a coping mechanism, but that’s not the only reason.

“You
kiss me like you’re falling in love” I tell Davis when we finally break from our kissing.

“
Lizard, baby. I am.”

I look into his beautiful, deep green eyes and let him know, “I love you, too.”

Davis kisses me deeply again and even though it’s cold and the snow is falling on us, in our hair and on our faces, I can feel Davis becoming aroused. 

“We gotta go,” he stills
suddenly and tells me.  He rolls over so he is lying beside me. I think he is panting a little.  My body misses his warmth and everything else I was feeling.

“Where?”

“Back to my place.  All this emotion.  Kissing you.  Your chatter… has me all riled up.  And we gotta get get you out of those wet clothes.”  He looks over and smirks at me as he stands up. 

“Oh, so you’re concerned about my health?”  I giggle.

“Whatever it takes to get you out of those clothes.”  His smile is irresistible. “And actually, I am more worried about my health, if I don’t get next to your naked body soon.”

As he pulls me to a stand, I push up into his arms and grind a bit against hi
s hardness, “We wouldn’t want that now, would we?”  I give him a peck on the lips.  Then I run.  Run out of the park toward his condo.  Davis catches up with me right before I get to the wide street in front of his condo and grabs my hand to stop me. 

“Baby?  Biz, slow down.  Let’s not get hit by a car or anything before we get home.”  I stop.  Entwining my fingers in his, I put my head on his shoulder.  When the light changes, we cross together.

***

Our jackets and boots are quickly off and piled in front of Davis’ front door.  I am shivering, but I’m not exactly sure it’s from rolling around in the snow or excitement.  For once, I am not talking up a storm.

“Well, you’ve seen most of the rest of the place.  How about I show you the bedroom?”

Still not talking, I nod my agreement with the plan.  Davis is behind me with his arms wrapped around me.  He walks me toward the French doors on the other side of the room
.  So, that’s what’s behind those doors.  As he pushes them open, I get an eyeful of what could only be called a sanctuary.  There is yet another large bay window.  A king size bed is positioned in the middle of it.  The walls are a rich blue-gray.  All the bedding is white.  The furniture is dark brown.  It’s masculine, but romantic.  Especially with the snow falling outside.  I get enough time for a cursory survey of the inviting room before Davis, still behind me, begins kissing my neck, causing me to close my eyes and push my backside into his erection. I lift my arms up and reach around to the back of his head, tangling my fingers in his soft, silky hair.  Davis’ hands slide from my waist to the edge of my thermal shirt, pulling it up and over my head.  His hands return to cup my breasts and his thumbs skate over my hardening nipples.  The shivering I felt earlier is long gone.  I feel myself flush.   Davis spins me quickly so my nipples brush his chest.  He still has his button up on.  That won’t do.  I want to feel his chest against mine.  I unbutton his shirt so fast, I think I may have popped a button or two off.   His mouth is on mine, kissing the corners, and then opening it to suck and stroke my tongue.  I moan into him.  His arms around me, he has undone my bra and has slid it between us to drop it on the floor.  I can now feel the hard, rigid muscles of his upper body against mine.  I want to be closer.  I need to feel all of him.  Davis backs me up until the backs of my legs are against the bed.  I sit unexpectedly.  Davis remains standing, but looks down at me.  My lower abdomen heats as his stare melts any bit of concern or worry away.  I want him now.  I reach up to pull him down on the bed, but he has other ideas.  Davis gets on his knees in front of me.  Kissing me, he reaches over, unbuttons and unzips my jeans and in one move removes them along with my panties.  I fall back on the bed naked, wanting him close.  He stays at my legs, kissing up my thighs.  Each side from my knee to my hip, before he kisses across to my clit.  He stops and inhales deeply.  Holding my legs apart, his tongue licks me tentatively.  I am already so worked up I arch on the bed.  He circles my clit with his tongue, sucks it powerfully, as I feel the build-up coming.  His licking and teasing of my most sensitive area becomes more intense and he is grasping at my bottom, pulling it up toward him.  I thread my hands into his hair.  Yelling out his name, I let go.  Release with a body-shattering shudder.  He hums.  I think he is pleased to have made me come.  As I try to catch my breath, Davis reaches up and palms my breasts, while kissing up my body.