Between Before and After (21 page)

“What do you mean?” Kate said, confusion written all over her face.

“What are you talking about?” Gavin sat back on his heels, frowning at him. “What do you mean, you saw him?”

The elation at finally having said it, after all this time, evaporated in a heartbeat.

Fuck.

He wished he could take it back but it was too late. He fought against the bile that was rapidly making its way up his oesophagus. It served as a reminder. He had vomited that day, too.

“I was there. I saw him do it.”

They stared at him in the mounting silence and he knew there was no turning back. The silent questions hurtled towards him through the air and he heard them as clearly as if they had been spoken aloud. Before he knew what he was doing, his own words tumbled out in a rush, tripping over one another in their haste.

“I got halfway home before I realised that it wasn’t good enough. I needed to find out the truth. After the way he’d been acting, it had to be bad.”

He glanced in the rear-view mirror and indicated to turn right, merging into the traffic. He wasn’t going to give up this easily. The haunted look on Danny’s face was burned into his brain. Whatever the problem was, it was obviously big enough to hurl him into the depths of despair or he would never have lashed out at Kate like that. What kind of friend was he if he just let him fob him off? He could help – he knew he could. He just needed to know what they were up against.

The drive back to Danny’s place seemed to take forever as he tossed around ideas in his brain. It couldn’t be drugs or he’d have seen it. Was he gambling? Was it something to do with work? Was he having an affair? No, not that. He wouldn’t do that to Kate. Or would he? Jesus, he didn’t know anything anymore. The wall of frustration grew ever higher.

“I didn’t want you going back there until I knew it was safe.” He locked eyes with Kate, who stared back at him as if he was speaking a foreign language. “I wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to hurt you.”

He shook his head slowly, the bitterness in the back of his throat taking him back to that day, to that exact moment. “He wouldn’t answer the door this time, though. Jesus, if I’d had my fucking key with me, I might’ve…”

Why wasn’t he answering the door? Panic overwhelmed him. He couldn’t explain it. The feeling wrapped itself around his throat, digging its claws into him until he could barely breathe. Something was very wrong, he could feel it. He walked back across the veranda and down the steps, making for the side of the house. Fighting his way through the overgrown bushes, he pushed his way through and into the garden beyond. Branches lashed at him but he brushed them off. He finally made his way through the jungle to the back door.

“I went around to the back door. I knocked but he didn’t answer and it was locked. I thought maybe he’d gone back to bed.”

He stood at the back door, unsure about what to do next. He had come this far. He wasn’t leaving until he saw him. Fighting his way through the undergrowth again, he grabbed hold of the windowsill outside the bedroom, jumping up to peer inside. The curtains were drawn, blocking his view. Damn it, where was he? In the state he was in when he left him, he couldn’t see him nipping up to the shops for a bottle of milk.

“I couldn’t see in, so I went to the living room window instead.”

He sucked in another shaky breath. He wouldn’t blame Max for hating him. He had steadfastly refused to tell anyone about this moment for three years. He had told himself that it wouldn’t do any good. All it would do was prove what a coward he was. As each year wore on and the misery seemed to settle in their bones, the guilt crept in.

“He was kneeling on the floor with the gun to his head.”

He whispered it, but in his own mind, his voice was a booming baritone. The words hung in the warm night air.

“He saw me.”

Tears spilled down Kate’s cheeks but she refused to blink. The world seemed to shrink until it was just him and Kate, in the moonlight.

“And I saw him do it.”

Their eyes locked and in that split second, the horror of what was about to happen flooded through him, as if his brain was trying to prepare him for the inevitability of it. What happened next was horrifically surreal. The gunshot was so loud he flinched, his senses assaulted by the suddenness of it. Danny’s head jerked sideways and he fell to the floor, a projectile of blood and gore fanning out behind him. It covered the wall, the furniture, everything. Finn lost the contents of his stomach within seconds, vomiting into the garden. The horror of it sucked his strength, leaving him on his hands and knees in the overgrown garden, gasping for breath. He couldn’t see or hear anything. He couldn’t feel. He couldn’t think.

He drew his knees up in front of him, as if physically barricading himself against an imaginary onslaught. A hand rubbed his back. It was so comforting, he closed his eyes.

“What happened next?”

He opened his eyes. Gavin was kneeling on the grass in front of him. “I drove home.”

Slowly, he came back to himself. The shock receded and he went from feeling nothing to feeling everything. His brain spun in circles, mirroring his stomach. Branches dug into his back and the rock he was half-sitting on felt like it had buried itself in his thigh. His breathing came in short, laboured bursts. What was he going to do? He had to get in there but, Jesus, he didn’t want to go inside, not to that. He squeezed his eyes shut. He needed to tell someone. Who should he tell? Neighbours? Police? Police. That’s it – he needed to call the police. They would know what to do. But what about Kate? She would freak out if he arrived back at his place with the police.

“I knew I needed to call the cops, but I didn’t have my cellphone on me. I thought I’d drive home and tell Kate myself, and call them from there. I just wanted to get the hell away from that place.”

He shuddered, the memory crawling like an icy spider down the back of his neck.

“You drove home after that?” Lacey asked tearfully.

“I had to. I needed to tell Kate,” he insisted. “But by the time I got there, Max had already phoned her. Then it was all on. I was too late.”

“He must have gotten there right after you left,” Gavin said to Max, over Finn’s shoulder. Finn was too scared to turn around. “Why didn’t you tell us this then? Why’d you wait so bloody long?”

“Because it’s my fault.”

“What do you mean?” Lacey mumbled. “How could it be?”

“Because I left him there like that, in the state he was in. Because if I’d had my key on me, I could’ve gone back and stopped him, I wouldn’t have wasted time trying the back door and looking in bloody windows.”

The choking sob that rose up from deep inside threatened to drown him. He hung his head, trying desperately to get a handle on himself.

“I’m so sorry, Max,” he croaked, unable to look at him. “You shouldn’t have had to find him like that. That wasn’t meant for you, it was supposed to be me. I should never have left him alone like that – I should’ve stayed! If I’d stayed…”

“Don’t do that to yourself.” Lacey sat down beside him, draping her arm around his shoulders. “It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. You got there too late. That’s all there is to it. It wasn’t meant to be.”

Finn shook his head helplessly, searching out Max. He stood off to side of them, watching. His expression was maddeningly blank. Finn struggled to read him. Why wasn’t he saying anything?

“You should’ve told me.”

Kate’s voice was so full of heartache, it made breathing almost impossible. His chest seized, as if his lungs had forgotten what to do. Slowly, he looked up at her. Her cheeks were wet with tears and she looked just as she did the day Danny died.

Abandoned.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “You were so… I didn’t think it would’ve made any difference.”

She shook her head, her breathing coming in short, sharp gasps as she struggled to speak. “That wasn’t your decision to make.”

Suddenly, she turned and walked back towards the house.

“Kate!” Lacey called after her but she didn’t stop.

“I’ll go,” Max said, turning his back on Finn.

He watched Max follow her through the carport and into the house. It was like losing Danny all over again. The cavity in his soul seemed larger and blacker than ever.

Kate ran the last few steps into the house. What was happening? Where had all this come from? She was not prepared for this. Just when she thought she was moving on finally, everything was getting dragged back up again, only this time with a new and disturbing twist.

“Katie, wait.”

She ignored Max and went straight to her bedroom, pushing the door closed behind her. Falling into a ragged heap on the floor by the window in the corner, her body gave in, diverting all the energy to her brain as she tried to decide what to do next. The door opened and Max stood there, the light from the hallway silhouetting him. He shoved his hands in his pockets but she couldn’t see his face.

“You okay?” he asked.

She huffed out a laugh that bordered on the hysterical, as if the question was so ridiculous it didn’t deserve an answer. “Are you?”

Ignoring her, he walked in, kicking the door closed softly with his foot. He sat down on the bed, falling backwards with a loud groan.

“Un-fucking-believable,” he mumbled.

“Is that all you have to say?”

“That, and I need a drink.”

With the door closed and the curtains open, the only light in the room came from the moon. It cast a pale blue glow over everything and she watched the shadows on the wall opposite her.

“When did everything get to be such a mess?” she said into the darkness. “I want to get off this merry-go-round. Everything’s fine, then it’s not, then it’s fine, then it’s not. I’m sick of it. I want some stability in my life again. This up and down is making me dizzy.”

She could hear him breathing but he didn’t say anything. Her stomach clenched as she heard voices in the hallway. She held her breath, waiting for the knock at the door but it didn’t come. Relieved, but also a tiny bit disappointed, she heard them go into the living room and then all was quiet again.

“Why the hell didn’t he say anything before?” she sniffed, pulling her knees up and hugging them. “Why’d he keep it to himself all this time?”

For several moments, he didn’t respond. Sitting there, in the dark, seemed like the best place to be in the world right at that moment. She rested her chin on her knees and sighed.

“Judging by what he said out there, I’d say guilt,” he said finally.

While she could see where he was coming from, she still couldn’t quite get herself to the position where she could understand completely. Lying way back there, behind the disappointment and the sympathy, was fear. He had kept this secret from her. She didn’t think he was capable of that. She could see a disturbing pattern forming.

“First Danny, now Finn.”

“What?”

Max rolled over onto his side and propped his head up with his hand. She could see him frowning at her in the moonlight.

“Secrets,” she clarified. “I’m sick to death of all the bloody secrets. No one seems to tell the truth anymore.”

He stared at her in the darkness and she found the silence uncomfortable. She pulled her knees in closer and turned her attention towards the window.

“I don’t think he did it on purpose.”

The moonlight was shining off the water, giving it the impression of a lake. The mountains on the opposite shore loomed over it, the three-dimensional effect of the native bush that covered them completely flattened out by the darkness. Everything looked false, warped. Just like reality.

“Nothing’s ever as it seems,” she said.

“What do you mean by that?”

She gazed out over the water, almost in a trance. “Danny hid so many things from me over those last couple of months. He changed right in front of my eyes and he shut me out. Then he was gone and I was just expected to pick up and carry on, like it was all some kind of master plan.” She shook her head miserably. “That is such bullshit. I don’t believe in fate or destiny or any of that. I think stuff happens and you do your best to deal with it. Nothing’s pre-ordained. You get given a shit-load of choices, and depending on which door you open, that’s your new life. You can change it any time. You can take another door. You can be honest or you can lie, but you’ve always got those choices.”

“Katie, you’re talking in riddles. Slow down, okay? What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that if you believe in fate or destiny – serendipity, whatever you call it – it’s like saying you’re giving up. You may as well say that you have no control over your life and let someone else make your choices for you. As far as I can tell, life’s about fighting. You fight for what you want and for what you think you want – it doesn’t matter, as long as you don’t do what Danny did. He gave up. He gave up on everyone and everything, including me.”

She inhaled sharply, feeling slightly nauseous after finally saying it aloud. Then she exhaled, long and low.

“I kind of hate him for that.” It was the first time she had ever said that aloud, too.

“I kind of do, too.”

She stretched out and crawled towards him, turning and leaning back against the bed. She let her head fall back and closed her eyes.

“Do you hate Finn, too?” she asked.

She heard him fall back onto the bed, sighing. When it became clear he wasn’t going to answer, she opened her eyes and turned towards him.

“I mean, if he hadn’t just got up and left, he’d have been there when you got to the house. He’d have stopped you from going in.”

He was in profile, staring up at the ceiling. Even in the dark, she could see the turmoil he was going through.

“I don’t know if trying to second-guess everything will help,” he said. “It’s done – over. And like you said, you just have to try and get on with it.”

Silence surrounded them once more.

“Were you really going to use that gun, Max?”

He sniffed, taking his time to reply. “I don’t know. I just know that I want it to stop.”

“The nightmares?”

“Yeah. The nightmares, and feeling like I’ve let him down, somehow.”

“You didn’t let him down,” she said gently.

“I didn’t save him, either.”

“Neither did Finn – and he was there when it happened.”

“Fuck.” He exhaled deeply. “I thought I had it bad. I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like to see him do it.”

“I should go in and talk to her,” Finn stared at the steaming mug of coffee Lacey had just put on the table in front of him. “Fuck it, I need to talk to both of them. Max must hate me. I can’t blame him –
I
hate me.”

He stared out through the window as the moonlight lit up the bay. He should never have told them. He should have taken it his grave.

“Go easy on yourself – no one hates you. It’s just a lot of information to process,” Gavin said, sighing as he leant back in his chair.

They sat around the dining table, rather than in the living room.

“I don’t think he hates you,” Lacey said confidently.

Finn frowned at her sceptically.

“I’m serious. It’s a shock, that’s all – to all of us, actually. Put yourself in our shoes. We’ve spent the past three years trying to work this thing out – figure out what happened and where it all went wrong – and now you come up with this little gem?” She raised her eyebrows, shrugging.

“It doesn’t change anything,” he insisted. “We
still
don’t know what happened. If I knew something about that, don’t you think I’d have told you by now?”

“I know, I know,” she soothed, reaching over to squeeze his arm. “I’m not accusing you of anything.”

“You’re right,” Gavin said, leaning forward again. “It doesn’t really change what happened. I just wish you’d told us sooner, that’s all. How the hell have you been carrying this around with you all this time? Especially with Max going through the shit he’s been going through.”

Finn rested his elbow on the table and his head in his hand. It was a question he had asked himself many times over the past three years. “I wanted to, but every time I thought about it, I couldn’t justify it. It’d make me feel better, but what would it do to him?”

Lacey squeezed his arm again then let go, wrapping both her hands around the coffee mug in front of her. He watched absentmindedly as she took a sip.

“Did Kelly know about this?” Gavin asked.

“Are you crazy?”

“So you didn’t tell her?”

“Why would I? She didn’t even know Danny.”

“No, but she might have been able to help you deal with it,” Lacey added.

Finn stared at the dining table. It was pitted with thousands of small hammer blows. Danny’s grandfather had made it, back when the house was built. He had made the table and all the chairs with his own two hands, in a rustic fashion that suited the house. Finn ran his fingertip absentmindedly over one of the hollows.

“I don’t think she would’ve. In any case, it’s over now. She’s gone.”

He had tried so hard to keep anything to do with Danny’s death from Kelly. He unconsciously – or maybe even consciously – wanted to distance himself from the event itself in case she had guessed at his secret. His greatest shame was hidden from everyone, including her. He didn’t need her judgment on top of his own.

“Do you have nightmares, like Max does?” Gavin asked.

Finn sat up again, rolling his shoulders. The recurring nightmare he had been having off and on for years came flooding back. Why couldn’t Danny hear him screaming? He pounded on the window, trying to get his attention, trying to break the glass, but Danny just stared at him, shaking his head. And then he pulled the trigger. Waking up in a cold sweat, he had been careful to tell Kelly it was something completely different. Otherwise, he would have had to tell her that he was there that day, that he had seen Danny do it. He wasn’t prepared to do that.

“Sometimes.”

He looked over towards the door leading through into the hallway. There was no yelling and no crying coming from her room. He almost wished there had been. The silence was worse.

Kate’s heart ached. It was like living through the nightmare all over again, only with this terrifying new twist, she was now seeing it through different eyes. She leaned back against the bed.

“I’m such an idiot,” Max said. “All this time, he’s been trying to get me to talk about what I saw that day, and I’m acting like I’m some kind of hero, keeping it to myself because I had some stupid-arsed idea that I was protecting him from it.”

“He was trying to help you. We all were.” She closed her eyes and let her head fall back onto the bed. After all the upheaval and the interrupted sleep and the early morning and all this new information, she was exhausted.

“It feels like everything’s turned to shit again, doesn’t it?”

He didn’t reply and she didn’t blame him. Another stupid question that didn’t deserve an answer.

“Are you pissed off at him?” he asked a few minutes later, just as the voices in her head were getting around to asking that very same thing.

“I’m not sure. God, I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like for him, to see that, but why didn’t he go inside? Why’d he just get up and leave him there?”

“I don’t blame him for that,” Max said.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean – I mean, I know that if he had, you wouldn’t have – well, you know what I’m saying.”

“Yeah. I know.”

God, she felt so sick. Just thinking of Danny and everything that happened that day was enough to take her back there. She had survived it once. She wasn’t sure if she could do it again.

“I would’ve understood if he’d told me. I would’ve tried to help him with it – I think we all would’ve. But knowing he lied to me really hurts. Danny did that, too. I don’t want a relationship like that again. I want to be honest with him and I want to know he’s being honest with me.”

“Sounds to me like he was trying to spare us. Also sounds like he somehow blamed himself for what happened. I know what that’s like. I’ve been on that particular rollercoaster for three years. Fucking sucks.”

Kate wanted to cry but it felt like a waste of time. What good would it do?

“What if he hadn’t handled this as well?” she asked into the darkness. “What if he was the one carrying a gun around in his car, Max? I’d have been none the wiser. It would’ve been like it was happening all over again.”

“That’s a lot of what ifs.”

She stared out the window at the moon.

“I’m so tired,” he mumbled.

“Me too.”

As soon as she spoke the words aloud, her body stopped fighting it. Every movement was a struggle. She forced herself to get off the floor and crawled up onto the bed next to him. Lying beside him, she stared up at the ceiling.

“Tell me what you dream about,” she said, afraid to look at him.

Her heart pumped faster as she waited. He breathed steadily beside her and it seemed like she waited an eternity before he finally spoke. When he did, his voice was little more than a whisper.

“I dream that I’m back there, that day. That I’m seeing it all over again.”

She turned to watch his profile in the moonlight.

“I dream that my hands are covered in blood and it doesn’t matter how hard I scrub, it won’t wash off.”