Between Before and After (22 page)

She reached for his hand and laced her fingers through his.

“Sometimes, I dream that I’m standing in the room when he pulls the trigger.”

Her heart raced as tears gathered in her eyes.

“Sometimes, he says it’s my fault.”

She leaned her head against his shoulder, releasing his hand to curl her arm over his chest. She wondered if he could feel her heart breaking just as clearly as she could hear his beating.

“It’s not. You can let it go now,” she whispered. “Just let it go, Max.”

She could feel his breathing slow and her body relaxed into his. She closed her eyes. Shutting off the moonlight, her exhausted brain slowed, giving in to the weariness that had settled into her bones and muscles, working away at them, numbing them, soothing them. Before long, the warm glow of sleep surrounded her, pulling her under.

Kate wasn’t sure what woke her. She opened her eyes and, for a moment, she couldn’t remember where she was. She was curled up beside someone. There was an arm around her. Her heart raced. Slowly, she turned her head to the side. Seeing Max brought everything flooding back and she breathed a heavy sigh. The dream she had woken up from made things even more confusing.

In it, Finn had been with her. They had been trying to get into her house. She had forgotten her keys and Danny wasn’t answering his cellphone. They had tried everything to get inside, but it was fruitless. In the end, they had just sat on the front doorstep and talked, waiting for Danny to come home. It was sunny. She remembered the warmth as they sat there, side by side. She remembered how easy it was to talk to him.

Max seemed to be sleeping peacefully. She wondered if finally talking about what happened had helped with the nightmares, but it was too soon to tell. She knew it would take more. He needed help – professional help. She would make sure he got it, too. She wasn’t losing him the same way she lost Danny.

She studied him while he slept. His face was devoid of the usual worry lines, smoothed out by the blessed oblivion of sleep. She closed her eyes and tried to join him there, but her brain would not switch off long enough to let her fall.

She opened her eyes again. It was still dark out. She had no idea what time it was or how long she had been asleep. The house was cloaked in silence. She had two choices: she could lie there till morning, or she could get up, maybe make a cup of tea or something – try to wind down enough to go back to sleep. She chose option two.

Carefully, she slipped out of Max’s embrace. He groaned, rolling over. She waited patiently for a few moments, but he didn’t stir again. She turned and tip-toed towards the door. The moonlight cast shadows over the walls and she used the light to make her way out to the living room, closing the door gently behind her so she wouldn’t disturb anyone else.

She made her way over to the table lamp in the corner of the living room and switched it on. A warm, golden light filled the room, and she squinted in the suddenly bright room. She set about making herself a cup of sweet tea, yawning. She was clearly tired if the yawn was any indication, so why the hell couldn’t she sleep? She glanced at her watch. It was going on four o’clock.

Ridiculous.

She picked up her mug of tea. Passing the breakfast bar, she caught sight of the guest book that belonged to Danny’s parents. She paused for a moment, then picked it up and took it with her to the sofa.

She sat, sipping her tea, and flipping through the guest book, her legs tucked underneath her. What she needed was a distraction. The guest book did the trick, perhaps a little too well.

November 2008

Having a great time, wish you were here! Kidding. Love ya Ma, but Lacey makes a better roast lamb!

- Danny

Ignore him, Nina – I used your recipe haha!  Thank you both again for letting us stay. Paradise!

- Lacey x

July 2009

Thanks so much for letting us spend our anniversary here – even the weather has been perfect!

- Kate xx

Thanks for the champers – Katie got trolleyed – magic! Love you guys.

- Danny

December 2009

Merry Christmas! It’s not the same without you! Hope you’re having fun with Kate’s Mum and Dad. Our turn to have you both to ourselves next year!

- Mum & Dad x

February 2010

Fish are biting, Lacey is cooking and I won the annual kayak race. Doesn’t get much better than that!

- Finn

Dude, you CHEATED!

- Danny

February 2012

Thanks so much, for everything. It feels good to be together, honouring Danny’s memory – especially here. We miss you but we understand why you couldn’t be here. See you soon.

- Kate xx

The memories overwhelmed her, bringing her to tears. So many good times here. Is that what it came down to – a list of dates, names, occasions? Is that how a life was measured? Maybe she was looking at it all wrong – perhaps it wasn’t a list after all, but snapshots, moments in time, captured with those you loved.
Captured
was the important thing – taken, grabbed, held tight, closeted in your heart and your soul, where they could never be stolen away.

She heard the door open and she looked up, quickly blinking away the tears. Finn stood in the doorway, squinting in the light.

“I thought I heard something,” he said. “It’s four o’clock. What are you doing up?”

She shrugged, wiping a hand under her nose. “Couldn’t sleep.”

He stood motionless for a few moments, watching her, evaluating the situation no doubt. She didn’t know whether to encourage him to come in or go back to bed. Did she want to talk to him? Did she know what she wanted to say yet? In the end, he made up his own mind, turning to close the door behind him.

He looked so unsure of himself, a wave of compassion washed over her. Even though he had made the decision to stay, he seemed torn. He stood there, in his boxers and a t-shirt, and waited. He was waiting for her, she realised. He was waiting for a sign, something that told him it was alright.

“I think we need to talk.” she said carefully, putting her cup of tea down on the coffee table in front of her.

He hesitated. She didn’t blame him. Her stomach had been in knots all night, but now the knots began to slowly unfurl. When he finally made his way across the room to her, she knew what she needed to say to him. The fog had lifted, the way forward became a little clearer.

Captured. With those you loved.

He sank nervously into the armchair opposite her, looking every inch the frightened child about to be chastised. Her heart went out to him, but she knew she needed to rein in her sympathy just long enough to talk to him. There were things she needed to say, and things she needed to know.

“I’m sorry,” he said, interrupting her train of thought.

She closed the guest book that rested on her lap and set it aside, as he followed her every move.

“I know what I did was wrong, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time,” he pleaded, mistaking her silence for anger. “It wasn’t until afterwards that I realised I fucked everything up. You, Max – all of it. I’m sorry I lied.” His shoulders sagged as he leant forward in the armchair. “But I just need you to know that I never meant to hurt anyone – especially not you. It just happened. I was trying to shield you from all of this – and Max. I didn’t know that he… I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.”

He seemed to sink further and further inside himself and her heart ached for him and everything he must have seen, both the day Danny died and every day since. Living with guilt could tear you apart. She knew that from experience. Whether real or imagined, it didn’t seem to matter. A grieving heart didn’t distinguish between the two, it just searched for someone, anyone, to blame. It was relentless and it was non-discriminate. She longed to reach out for him, to tell him that, but not yet. If she didn’t say this now, she never would, and it had to be said. If Danny’s death had taught her anything, it was that tomorrow was not guaranteed.

She recalled what he had said last night, what he had seen that day, and her heart seized. Her Danny – her wild, beautiful, maddeningly untidy, sensitive Danny – standing with a gun to his head, in the corner of their living room. And Finn had seen it all.

His first instinct hadn’t been to help, it had been to run. She needed to know why. Her heart screamed the question, but it came out as more of a whisper, lingering in the empty space between them.

“Why didn’t you go inside? Why didn’t you see if you could help him?”

He stared at her as if she was crazy for even asking. She watched, captivated, as an internal struggle raged within him. She was being selfish – she shouldn’t have asked that. She was about to apologise, tell him that it didn’t matter, when he finally answered.

“You didn’t see it. You can’t know what he… what happened to him. In the movies, on TV, it’s clean, it’s… sanitised. It’s not real, Kate – that’s not what happens. At least, that’s not what happened to him. It didn’t… it wasn’t clean. It wasn’t tidy.” He took a deep breath, exhaling raggedly as he shook his head. His eyes held hers, as if he was trying to decide what to say and what to keep to himself. When he finally spoke again, she could barely hear him, and he was sitting right opposite her. “I knew he was gone. There was no way he could’ve survived that. No way.”

The ache in her heart grew. She didn’t want to think about it, yet he had seen it – he had been there. A morbid sense of fascination overwhelmed her. For so long, she had imagined scenarios in her head, putting pieces together that didn’t fit, just trying to find the right combination. Trying to find the truth.

“So he didn’t suffer?”

He shook his head. “It was over in a heartbeat.”

And there it was. Horror and relief, wrapped up tightly in a little ball that she would never be able to unravel. She tucked it away inside her heart to keep it safe, then turned her attention back to Finn.

It felt as if she was being ripped apart all over again. Knowing what happened in Danny’s final moments didn’t bring the peace of mind she thought it would. Instead, her heart broke afresh because Finn had been the one to share those final moments with him. He was there at the end of his life – he saw it end, right in front of his eyes, and by Danny’s own hand.

“It wasn’t just that, though,” he continued, oblivious. “I was scared. I didn’t want to go in there. I wanted to run, as far and as fast as I could. I know how that sounds – I’m a coward. I know that, I admit it. Because of me, Max had to… ”

He shook his head, tears falling freely down his cheeks. When he spoke again, he sounded broken. Hollow. “If you never want to see me again, I get it. Just please don’t hate me.”

She shook her head, her heart breaking for him. “I’d have been scared, too.”

He wiped his hand quickly over his eyes, sniffing.

“I don’t hate you. And I don’t want you to go.”

He stared at her, barely breathing. She wanted to crawl into his arms and tell him that it was okay, that everything was going to be alright – that he wasn’t to blame for any of this. But not yet.

“Then what do you want?”

Her heart raced. What did she want? A thousand thoughts ricocheted through her head. “I want to be happy,” she said, speaking straight from her heart. “I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want a house with a beautiful garden. I want to have what I didn’t have with Danny – I want a future.”

An errant tear slid down her cheek but she hastily brushed it away with the tips of her fingers. He slumped visibly, and she realised he didn’t make the connection. She struggled to make it clearer, even as the thoughts in her head whirled around in ever-decreasing circles.

“I want you to have that, too,” he said.

“Then don’t do what he did.”

“What?” He sat up straight, clearly alarmed. “Kill myself?”

“No, I mean shut me out – don’t shut me out like he did. You have to be honest with me, about everything, always. I want to be able to trust you and the only way I can do that is if you tell me everything. No secrets, not anymore.”

He seemed to sag with relief, nodding immediately. He wiped his hand under his nose, sniffing back tears. She had never seen him look more vulnerable, or more determined.

“You don’t hate me? Even though I fucked everything up?” He waved his hand in the general direction of God-knew-where. “Even though I made everything worse?”

“You didn’t make anything worse,“ she said. “Don’t blame yourself – we’re over all that, all of us, Max included. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, remember? Shit happens. Our job is to deal with it but we can only do that when we
know
what we’re dealing with – no more secrets.”

“No more secrets. I promise.”

She shook her head, determined to be clear. She needed him to know exactly what she wanted from him if they even had a chance of making this work.

“Don’t promise me,” she said. “Promises can be broken.”

“Then what do you want me to do? Just tell me and I’ll do it.”

She reached for him with both hands and he stood up and took them without hesitation, sinking to his knees on the floor in front of her.

“Just show me.”

He nodded again, slowly this time, and encouraged her gently into his arms. Her skin tingled with relief as she folded herself into his chest, closing her eyes. He wrapped his arms around her back and crept forward, pulling her to him. They fit so well together, his body and hers.

Her head tried to tell her she had done the right thing by talking to him like this, by laying it all out on the table so he knew. Her heart was more direct, less reasonable.

It sighed.