Between Before and After (23 page)

Finn woke up slowly, his shoulder aching and something tickling his nostrils. He screwed up his face as he tried to move whatever it was away from his nose. Opening his eyes, he realised it was Kate’s hair. The memory came rushing back. They were curled up together on the sofa, the woollen blanket over them. Her head was on his arm, which accounted for the sore shoulder, and her body was tucked against his in a way that made him want to stay there forever.

Still, his shoulder ached. Like it or not, he was going to have to move. Squinting at the early morning light that was pouring in through the living room windows, he glanced up. Max was sitting on the opposite sofa, watching them. He froze.

“Morning,” Max said.

What was that look all about? Was he about to get yelled at or not? Like a five year old, he suddenly had the urgent need to relieve himself. He extricated himself from Kate slowly, climbing off the sofa and hastily re-arranging the blanket over her, even though it felt like it was three hundred degrees in here suddenly.

Max was still staring at him. He stood there awkwardly, glancing from Max to Kate. Max made no effort to relieve the discomfort of the situation.

“I need a piss,” he found himself saying, apologetically.

Why the hell am I apologising?

“You don’t need my permission for that.”

Finn made a break for it, striding to the bathroom, closing the door quickly behind him. Standing there, letting nature take its course, his heart raced. Did Max hate him or not? It was impossible to tell.

He flushed the toilet and washed his hands, in no great hurry to go back in there just yet. He took a deep breath and told himself to get over it. He needed to talk to Max. Maybe now would be the best time, before everyone else woke up. When he opened the bathroom door, Max was waiting for him, leaning against the wall.

They stood there, sizing each other up.

Max nodded towards the front door. “Let’s go outside.”

Like a somewhat reluctant puppy, Finn followed him, closing the front door behind them.

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me before?” Max asked, whirling on him with such speed that Finn took a hasty step backwards, throwing his hands up in self-defence.

“I’m sorry, I fucked up. I know that, but I honestly didn’t mean to – it just snowballed and got out of control, and I didn’t know how to fix it.”

“You could’ve told me.” Max frowned. “How the hell do you think it makes me feel? Knowing that you saw him do it and I’ve been the one acting like a whiny bitch all this time, like some kind of fucking martyr. I feel like such a prick now!”

“God no – that’s not –“

“But it’s true! Jesus! I don’t know how you’ve done it all this time.” He roughed his hair up in frustration, making him look even younger and more confused. “You saw him do it – you actually
saw
him.”

All Finn could do was nod helplessly as he pushed aside that haunting image, determined not to wallow, especially not in front of Max.

Max huffed out a frustrated breath and leant up against the wall of the house. “You said he saw you?” he asked, fixing Finn with a heart-breaking stare that cut right through all the reasoning and the rationalisation, and took him right back to that day, to that moment, despite his best efforts. The power of speech deserted him. “What did he do?”

Finn turned to lean back against the wall of the house, beside him. Over the years, the memory had faded. He wasn’t sure if it was his brain protecting him from reliving it over and over, or the fact that, when it happened, he had been in such a state of shock that it didn’t fully register. But over the past twenty-four hours, talking about it had brought it all flooding back. High-definition, crystal clarity. He shuddered at the realisation.

“Honestly? It was over so fast. It was only a nano-second. I didn’t even have time to open my mouth to say anything. Then it was just fucking…
over
.”

“Are you sure he even saw you?”

Finn ran a hand down his face. “I don’t know. The more time that passes, the less sure I am about what happened that day.”

“Do you ever have nightmares about it?”

“Sometimes.”

Max nodded, his gaze falling to the concrete beneath them. “You saw more than I did,” he said, looking up at him again. “I didn’t have to…”

Finn swallowed down the lump in his throat, unable to continue. He remembered what Max had told them last night, and how he had looked when they went up to the hospital that day to pick him up. Blood and God knew what else covered his jeans and shirt. That was one memory that Finn found difficult to forget. That, and the look of utter desolation on Max’s face.

“It’s not a competition,” he said.

They stood out there for several minutes, listening to the birds waking up around them, the cicadas incessant chirping filling the silence.

“Did you sleep okay last night?”

Max shrugged. “Yeah. Having Kate there helped, but I see you stole her away from me at some point.”

It was Finn’s turn to stare at his feet.

“You guys looked pretty cosy. I’m guessing you talked things over. Is she okay?”

Finn nodded. “I think so.”

“Good.”

They lapsed into silence once again.

“It’s the seventeenth today,” Max said.

A familiar emptiness settled into Finn’s chest, taking up residence there once more.

Three years ago today.

Max pushed away from the wall and walked around the corner of the house. Finn followed him. As soon as he saw the Monaro, his breath caught in his throat. Did he really do that? It felt like a dream.

“Fuck’s sake,” he breathed.

The car was a mess. He walked around it slowly, the grass still wet beneath his bare feet. The bodywork was dented in several places and two of the windows were smashed. He picked up a shattered headlight, dangling from the car by a single wire, and examined it miserably. He dropped it again and watched it bounce off the car, shaking his head.   

What was he thinking? The car didn’t deserve this. It wasn’t the car he was angry with, it was Danny. But Danny wasn’t here, so the car had copped it, by proxy.

“It can be fixed,” Max said quietly, casting a sideways glance at Finn.

“Yeah.”

“It’s not that bad, really.” Max stepped forward and ran his hand over a dent in the car bonnet, as Finn shot him an incredulous look.

“Seriously. It’s just a couple of dents, a few smashed windows, a couple of broken headlights…” Max snorted. “Okay, so it’s pretty bad – but it’s superficial.”

Finn raised his eyebrows. Yes, it was superficial. It was also a symbol of how he had lost control in front of everyone, and his male ego didn’t take kindly to that.

Mistaking his silence for disagreement, Max continued.

“If Danny could resurrect it from a pile of old junk like he did, you can sure as hell fix this. It’s a bit of panel-beating and a couple of new windows. And a new headlight.”

They both heard the front door opening and turned around. Kate was standing there, her clothes crumpled and her hair giving the illusion she had been pulled through a hedge, backwards. She had never looked more beautiful.

“Morning,” One glance encompassed the two of them, and the Monaro.

“Hi.”

“Morning.”

“Everything okay?” she asked, folding her arms over her chest nervously.

Finn smiled, the most convincing smile he could muster under the circumstances. “It’s fine.”

“Come inside,” she said, hunching her shoulders against the early morning chill. “Gav’s making breakfast.”

“That’s my job,” Finn said, his smile relaxing into a more genuine one.

“Then you better come and help him.” She held out her hand to him and he went to her, drawing her into his arms. She felt good. Soft, warm, willing. She had done more than forgive him. She had accepted him, faults and all. She knew everything and still, she wanted to be with him.

As they made their way back into the house, he felt as if his feet didn’t even touch the ground.

Lacey lay in bed, listening to the voices in the kitchen. She should get up, but she couldn’t make herself. Today was the seventeenth. As in previous years, she had felt it coming. It was like a black fog, and she could see it rolling in. With it came the chance to ask herself again: what if?

What might the last three years have been like if Danny had been here with them? In that alternate universe, had he and Kate gotten married? Did they have a child of their own now? Did she and Gavin? Three years was a long time. Her womb ached and she burrowed down into the sheets even further.

The door opened but she didn’t bother moving. Gavin closed it behind him and crawled onto the bed beside her.

“Hey sleepyhead.” Long legs wrapped themselves around hers as he pulled her in closer.

“Am I the last one up again?” She closed her eyes, savouring the warmth of his body next to hers. She couldn’t imagine loving him any more than she already did.

“Yeah. How you feeling? Did you sleep okay?” He snuggled into her hair.

“Took me awhile to drop off, but once I did, I slept like a log.”

She opened her eyes and stared down at his hands, curled around hers on her chest. She picked up one of his hands, running her fingertips over his nails, short, square and practical. She loved his hands. She loved everything about him.

“Kate and Finn seem to have sorted things out,” he murmured into her ear. “It’s sickeningly cute. You’ll love it.”

“That’s good.” She smiled. “How’s Max?”

“He’s okay - better than I expected, actually.”

She caressed his hands, winding her fingers through them. “I’ve been thinking.”

“Uh oh.”

She elbowed him in the ribs. “I’m serious. Shut up for a minute and listen.”

He coughed and snuggled up with her again, mumbling his acquiescence into her ear.

“I think Max should come back home with us. I think he needs counselling – professional help. I was thinking I might talk to him about seeing Hayley again.”

She didn’t have to wait long for his reply. He rolled her over and kissed her, taking her breath away momentarily. When he pulled away, he reached up to brush a lock of hair away from her face.

“I think that’s a great idea.” His expression softened. “And to borrow Van Morrison’s words, have I told you lately that I love you?”

“Not lately,” she smiled.

“Well, I do.”

He kissed her again, slowly, taking his time, showing her just how much. When he pulled away, she smiled breathlessly.

“Do you think he’ll come?” she asked.

“You might have to use your powers of persuasion on him, but I’m sure you’ll manage. He seems a little less tightly-wound this morning.”

He leaned in to kiss her again. She reached up to pull him closer, burying her hands in his hair, losing herself in the moment. Pulling away finally, slightly light-headed, she reached up to run her fingertip along his eyebrow.

“There’s something else, too,” she whispered.

Max dried the last of the breakfast dishes, happy to keep busy. The need for alcohol wasn’t as desperate as it had been last night, but it was still there. If someone offered him a beer right now, he’d take it, without a second thought. But he also knew he’d feel guilty for doing it. He tried to shove the thought aside, concentrating on the positives. He performed a mental inventory. He felt better for having a pretty decent night’s sleep, so that was an improvement. Small steps.

He folded and hung the tea towel over the oven door and glanced up to find Kate looking at him. The tilt of her head and the slight frown made him uncomfortable under the scrutiny. She was up to something.

“What?”

She indicated his head with a wave of her hand. “That woolly helmet on your head is driving me crazy. Can you please let me do something about it while you’re here?”

“What’s wrong with it?” he frowned, running a hand through his hair.

“It makes you look like you’re fifteen.”

“And?”

“You’re gonna end up a born-again virgin with an attitude like that.” Finn walked past them and into the living room.

“Piss off.”

“Come on – please? Just let me trim it a little bit? Nina still has her hairdressing scissors here, I checked.”

“You checked?”

“When I said it was driving me crazy, I wasn’t sugar-coating it.”

She stood with her hands on her hips, her eyes flitting to his hair every few seconds. A glint of mild annoyance mixed with a glimmer of hope lit up her face.

“Fine,” he huffed. “If it bothers you that much.”

“I’ll get the scissors and a towel.” She grinned. “Wait for me out on the deck.”

“It’s like a super-power isn’t it?” Finn said. “It’s astounding how she manages to get her own way.”

“I just can’t be bothered arguing about it,” He wandered past him and out towards the deck, as directed.

Finn grabbed his arm as he passed. “Are you feeling okay? You were pretty quiet over breakfast.”

“I need a drink,” he said. “But other than that, I’m tip-top.”

Finn released his arm. “It’ll get better, mate. You just gotta hang in there.”

He turned to him, shoving his hands in his pockets so Finn couldn’t see how badly they were shaking. “Don’t worry,” he sighed. “I’m not gonna do anything stupid.”

“You better not.”

“I promise.”

“Promises can be broken,” Finn said. “Just show me instead.”

Max nodded, speechless. For the first time, he was starting to see how his absence might impact on everyone, just like Danny’s absence had. It was something he hadn’t allowed himself to think about over the past few months. Now that he was here, and they knew, the future didn’t seem so scary or hopeless. It wasn’t all roses, but at least it wasn’t all thorns, either. With a bit of help and a lot of luck, maybe he could do this after all.

Finn made them both a cup of coffee and they headed out to join Gavin and Lacey on the deck. Moments later, Kate appeared with a beach towel, a small comb, a spray bottle and a pair of scissors. Her triumphant grin made him slightly nervous.

“Just a trim, remember?” he cautioned her, as Finn took his cup of coffee off him and she draped the towel around his shoulders. “Don’t go all mental on me.”

“Trim – got it.” She fixed the towel around the back of his neck. “Anything would be better than this mop. I’ve never seen a guy with natural waves like yours before – most chicks would give their eye teeth for that, you know that, right?”

She set about spraying his entire head with what he presumed was water from a spray bottle she had dug up from somewhere. He glanced nervously at Gavin, who stopped smirking immediately and gave him the thumbs up.

“I’m trusting you to watch her,” he said to Lacey instead. “Trim – not Baldilocks and the Three Hairs.”

Lacey nodded sagely but it didn’t help. He was completely at Kate’s mercy with no back-up. Worse still, he knew it.

The water saturating his head helped to counter-act the heat of the sun, as she snipped her way around his head and, following the usual banter, casual conversation resumed.

“Max, I’ve got a proposition for you,” Lacey said eventually, in a tone that told him that whatever it was, it was important to her. “Gav and I have been talking, and we’d really like you to come back home with us for a little while.”

The combing and snipping stopped.

“Why?” he mumbled, buying time while he desperately tried to think of an excuse.

“Remember I told you a while ago about my friend, Hayley? The counsellor? I really think you should see her. I think it would help.”

Despite thinking, barely half an hour ago, that he might be able to do this after all, accepting help like this wasn’t as easy as he thought. The idea was simple. The reality was anything but. A million reasons flew through his head as to why he couldn’t – or didn’t want to. He didn’t want to talk to some stranger about any of this. He didn’t need this kind of help. He didn’t want to go back to Auckland. He didn’t want to impose on them.

“Please, Max. Not forever, just for a few months. Let us help,” she pleaded gently, waiting for his reply.

It wasn’t like they hadn’t talked about this before. He had said no the last couple of times, managed to keep them at a distance. Only now, things seemed different. The sinking feeling in his stomach told him that much. He wanted to force a smile, tell them he was fine, tell them a lie about seeing a counsellor somewhere else, if that’s what it took. But the truth of it was he was tired of lying and tired of fighting this. He needed help. They were offering. And it wasn’t forever. A small splinter of hope worked its way into his soul, splitting the darkness apart, just for a moment. It showed him the possibilities. All he had to do was expand on it, widen that tiny crack.

“Okay,” he found himself saying. “Just for a few months.”

He inhaled deeply, as if the admission had stolen the breath right out of him. Kate reached down to hug him from behind. Lacey seemed relieved, leaning back into Gavin’s chest as he wrapped his arms around her.

“You’ll like Hayley,” she assured him. “She’s really lovely – easy to talk to.”

“Have you seen her, professionally I mean?” Finn asked, as Kate resumed her combing and snipping.

“I have, actually. After Danny died.”

“Really?” Finn seemed surprised. “I didn’t know that.”

“I just needed someone to talk to about everything. Like I said, she’s easy to talk to. She helped me put it all into perspective.”

If Lacey could do it, so could he.

“Hey, I’ve been thinking about how we should spend our last day here,” Gavin said. “I think we should catch fish for dinner and have a bonfire on the beach after.”

“I like that idea,” Finn said. “Only one problem – we’ve run out of bait.”

“The campground shop up the road has bait for sale,” Kate chipped in.

“Okay, cool. I’ll go along shortly. They should be open today, shouldn’t they?”

“Should be,” Gavin said. “Take my car, if you want. We’ll deal with the Monaro later, get rid of some of that glass and tidy it up a bit. There’s a garage in Picton – we should take it in later, see what they can do before tomorrow.”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks.”

Max heard the slight hesitation in Finn’s voice but with Kate wielding scissors, he didn’t want to risk turning his head.

As if on cue, Kate roughed up his hair with her fingers. “Done.”

She rested her hands on his shoulders and he anxiously searched the faces of his friends for their reaction.

“Nice.” Finn nodded.

“You haven’t lost your touch, chick – that’s much better.”

“Looks good,” Gavin agreed. “He looks his age, now.”

He reached up to feel the difference as Kate unfastened the towel from around his shoulders and whisked it off him. It felt okay.

Kate tapped him on the shoulder. “Go and have a look in the bathroom mirror.”

He got to his feet and looked down at the mass of chestnut locks gathered around his chair. “Jesus, it was longer than I thought.”

She nodded satisfactorily at her handiwork. “Go on – check it out for yourself, then come back and tell me how brilliant I am. I’ll be waiting.”

He smiled in spite of himself, shaking his head as he went inside to do as he was told. Finn was right – it was some of kind of super-power.