Beware of God (10 page)

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
, walking down the street.

He is wearing his baseball cap and is smiling.

He meets Linus.

Charlie Brown says: There's something magical about the very first baseball game of the season.

Linus says, “Schulz died last night.”

“Good grief,” says Charlie Brown.

 

L
INUS
and Charlie Brown, walking down the street.

Linus says, “Last night someone spray-painted a giant pumpkin on our front door.”

Linus says, “This morning I prayed to the Great Pumpkin to protect us from the rioting Schulzians.”

Charlie Brown asks, “How's Lucy taking it?”

Lucy strolls over.

“NEVER AGAIN!” she shouts, flipping the boys upside down.

Linus says, “Personally.”

 

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
, sitting in his beanbag chair. He is watching TV. Sally stands behind him.

Sally asks, “Are we Schulzian or Pumpkinite?”

Charlie Brown says, “We're Schulzian.”

Charlie Brown says, “Schulzians believe in a Creator who writes and draws us every single day …”

Charlie Brown says, “… while Pumpkinites, like Linus and Lucy, believe in the Great Pumpkin who flies around and rewards his believers on Halloween.”

Charlie Brown says, “But ultimately, belief should be a personal choice.”

“Which one gets more vacation?” asks Sally.

Charlie Brown rolls his eyes.

 

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
and Linus, standing behind the old stone wall.

Linus ducks.

Snoopy and Woodstock stroll over. Snoopy wears a beret and carries a rifle on his shoulder. Snoopy's shirt reads:
SCHULZ IS THE LORD
.

Snoopy and Woodstock leave.

Linus stands up.

“Good grief,” says Charlie Brown.

 

S
NOOPY
sits on the roof of his doghouse, facing his typewriter. Woodstock sits on Snoopy's shoulder.

Charlie Brown strolls over.

Snoopy hands him a page.

Charlie Brown reads: “The only final solution is to kill all the Pumpkinites as they have killed Schulz our Lord.”

Charlie Brown looks up at Snoopy.

“Mein Kampf,”
says Snoopy.

Woodstock starts shouting loudly and waving his red pen.

“Mein editor,” says Snoopy.

 

S
NOOPY
sits on the roof of his doghouse, facing his typewriter.

Snoopy types: “It was a dark and stormy night.”

Snoopy thinks.

Snoopy thinks.

Snoopy thinks.

Snoopy writes: “Because of the lousy Pumpkinites.”

Snoopy smiles.

 

L
UCY
holds the football for Charlie Brown.

Lucy says, “There's so much hatred and animosity in this world.”

Charlie Brown runs toward the football.

Lucy says: “Maybe one day, in some distant utopian future, we can stop this hideous cycle of violence once and for all.”

Lucy pulls the ball away and Charlie Brown falls flat on his back.

“That's a beautiful sentiment,” says Charlie Brown.

“I'm a beautiful person,” says Lucy.

 

L
UCY
leans against Schroeder's piano as Schroeder plays.

Lucy says, “Before we get married, you should know that I don't believe in Schulz. I'm devoutly Pumpkinite.”

Schroeder says, “I don't believe in either Schulz or the Great Pumpkin. I believe that our purpose on Earth is an inner journey of exploration and honesty not an outward journey of conquest and domination.”

Schroeder goes back to playing his piano.

Lucy says, “I don't believe in Schulz, either.”

Schroeder rolls his eyes.

 

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
and Linus, standing behind the old stone wall.

Charlie Brown says, “My religion is baseball. My church is the pitcher's mound.”

Charlie Brown says, “The moment a team steps onto that mystical field, all differences between them are forgotten. It is no small miracle but that for one small moment, nine different people become as one.”

Snoopy strolls over to Linus. He is carrying a baseball bat over his shoulder.

Snoopy smashes Linus in the head.

Charlie Brown says, “Good grief.”

 

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
, standing outside Snoopy's jail cell.

Snoopy says, “On the contrary—I plead guilty!”

Snoopy says, “I am a soldier in the army of Schulz, and I shall proudly smite the nonbeliever wherever he may be.”

Charlie Brown says, “If you plead not guilty we can be home in time for dinner.”

Snoopy's ears stand straight up.

Charlie Brown and Snoopy, walking home. Snoopy thinks: Even zealots get the munchies.

 

L
UCY
and Linus, walking down the street. Linus's head is wrapped in a bandage.

They meet Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

Lucy says, “We refuse to play on a baseball team with Snoopy.”

Snoopy says, “I refuse to play on a baseball team with them.”

Nobody says anything.

Charlie Brown says, “Hatred is something everyone can agree on.”

 

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
, slumped down in his beanbag chair. He is watching TV. Sally stands behind him.

Charlie Brown says, “I give up. Maybe we should all just stay apart. Maybe we should all just build our walls and fences and defend them night and day with our barbed wire and guard dogs. Why should I be the only one who cares? So what if I never see or speak to another Pumpkinite for the rest of my life? What do I care?”

Sally asks, “All the Pumpkinites?”

Charlie Brown says, “All the Pumpkinites.”

“Even the Little Red Haired Pumpkinites?” asks Sally.

“Aauugghh!” screams Charlie Brown.

 

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
, walking across the lawn.

He meets Snoopy, who carries a rifle over his shoulder and wears a T-shirt that reads
WHAT WOULD SCHULZ DO
?

Behind him, a small group of Woodstocks stand in precise military formation.

Snoopy says, “Snoopy Youth.”

“Good grief,” says Charlie Brown.

 

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
strolls over to Lucy. She is wearing a beret and a T-shirt that reads
P.D.L.

They look at each other.

They look at each other.

They look at each other.

Lucy says, “Pumpkinish Defense League.”

Charlie Brown rolls his eyes.

 

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
, standing on the pitcher's mound. It is pouring rain.

“Good grief,” says Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown pitches and asks, “What are you called when you're not sure who the Creator is …”

POW! The ball is hit so hard that it flips Charlie Brown upside down.

He lands flat on his back.

“… but you're pretty sure that He hates you?”

Linus strolls over.

“A Chucknostic,” he says.

 

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
, standing on the pitcher's mound. It is pouring rain.

He watches the ball as it sails over his head.

He watches the ball as it flies to the outfield.

Lucy, standing in the outfield wearing her baseball hat and her P.D.L. T-shirt. She holds a tall black flag with a large orange pumpkin on it.

“Never forget, Charlie Brown!” shouts Lucy.

The ball drops right beside her.

“Good grief,” says Charlie Brown.

 

S
NOOPY
, at bat. It is pouring rain.

Snoopy thinks: Everyone knows the Pumpkins are behind Schulz's death! Pumpkins are behind everything. Their secret international organization covertly influences and informs every single….

The pitch goes whizzing past.

Snoopy swings and misses.

“Strike!” calls the umpire.

Snoopy walks angrily back to the bench.

Snoopy thinks: Sneaky Pumpkinites.

 

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
, standing on the pitcher's mound. It is pouring rain.

Charlie Brown pitches the ball.

There is a loud POW! as someone hits a homer that flips Charlie Brown upside down and knocks him out of his shoes.

Charlie Brown lands on his back atop the pitcher's mound.

Linus approaches from second base and Schroeder approaches from home plate.

Linus says, “Can you believe those lousy Schulzians are going to beat us, Charlie Brown?”

Schroeder says, “I'll tell you what I believe. I believe in Man. I believe in feeling and music and art. I believe that we are all individual parts of one larger God, and that by serving one another we will ultimately be serving ourselves.”

Schroeder walks away.

“FAG!” shouts Linus.

 

S
NOOPY
, at bat. It is pouring rain.

CRACK! as he hits the ball.

Lucy runs for the ball.

Snoopy runs for the base.

Lucy runs for the ball.

Snoopy runs for the base.

CRASH! as Lucy and Snoopy violently collide.

They point at one another and shout: “NAZI!”

 

C
HARLIE
B
ROWN
is slumped down in his beanbag chair, watching television. Sally stands behind him.

The television announcer says, “Yesterday's collision between Snoopy and Lucy only increased tension between the rival religious sects.”

Charlie Brown says, “Some people say that sports are nothing more than a tool of the government to distract us from the pain of our miserable lives.”

The television announcer says, “The National Guard has been deployed as widespread rioting continues across town.”

“Wanna have a catch?” asks Sally.

Charlie Brown and Sally run out the door.

 

L
UCY
sits glumly on her couch, her foot in a cast.

Snoopy lies glumly on his doghouse, his nose in a splint.

Linus sits glumly in his security blanket, his head wrapped in a bandage.

Charlie Brown stands glumly behind the old stone wall.

Nobody strolls over.