Beyond 4/20 (9 page)

At the table on Thanksgiving day, Tuck’s presence didn’t disturb John in the least. They even watched football together while the food was being prepared. It was almost comfortable. John had to imagine, as time passed, it would only get more so. Chelsea was in and out of the room, and even when she said something to Tuck, John didn’t feel at all jealous. They might share a history and even Lucy, but John was confident in the fact that Chelsea’s future was with him. There was peace in that.

Often he watched Tuck’s expression to see if Chelsea’s presence disturbed him, but it didn’t seem to. Tuck was truly a good guy, and John genuinely respected him. His tone and temperament with Lucy was what John most admired. That was what he most often watched. With his own baby on the way, he needed to see how the pros did it, and Tuck was a pro at being a dad. Bobby was nothing like Tuck when it came to his kids. He was more of a roughhousing kind of dad. Caitlin’s husband was far too removed, allowing Caitlin to handle most everything. John found a strong sense of irony in the fact that he was watching his wife’s ex-boyfriend to see how to best parent, but an upside down life was becoming the rule rather than the exception, and he didn’t mind.

Chapter 5

J
ohn decided, pregnancy agreed with Chelsea. She was never sick in the early months as some were, and she kept a high level of energy for the most part. She stayed active, often running with John early in the mornings, so her weight was never a problem until most recently. As she entered her seventh month, she was beginning to notice some changes. It began with nausea and dizziness, which rest seemed to alleviate to some degree. That morning, she had stayed in bed until mid-morning and by the afternoon was feeling like her normal energetic self. John was thankful she was feeling better since he had spent the past week planning a surprise for their anniversary.

Chelsea had been trying to guess where they were going since John told her to get dressed for their anniversary dinner. Since she didn’t know where they were going exactly, she had no idea what to wear. When she asked him, he went into his closet and came out with a beautiful white dress. It wasn’t exactly maternity, but she was able to fit into it well since the fabric was light and flowing. Whatever he had planned for them, it was obviously not something spur of the moment considering he had somehow found time to buy her this dress. As predictable as their lives had become with the day-to-day routines of life, she was reminded that she was still married to John Keller, the man who spent thousands of dollars on clothes and jewelry and exotic getaways. Sometimes, his reappearance was tremendous fun.

They were driving through town when Chelsea asked, “So you won’t tell me where we’re going?”

“Nope. I want it to be a surprise.”

Gail, Caitlin, and Macy had all helped him, which made sense considering they knew what it would take to re-create their wedding day.

When they turned on her parents’ road, Chelsea was even more baffled. If anything, she had expected them to drive to the airstrip to find the plane waiting. Her guess was some extravagant trip. Obviously, he had her fooled. As they drew nearer to the driveway, Chelsea could see the glow emanating from the back yard. She smiled and reached for his hand.

By the expression on her face, John knew he had chosen well. “That was the happiest I’ve ever seen you. I wanted to give you that day again.”

She gasped when they walked around the back of the house. It was a perfect cloud of white. As far as Chelsea could tell, everything was exactly the same with the exception of the missing people. They had dinner at the same table, kissing and whispering in each other’s ears. They danced. It was her second most favorite day in life. At one point, she assured John, “You’ll be hard pressed to top this anniversary. You’ve set the bar pretty high.”

He grinned at her, assuring her, “I’ll think of something.” Without question, he would.

Wrapped in his arms, swaying softly to the same songs they had danced to exactly a year before, Chelsea felt this inner sigh, this assurance of finally being settled in to her new life. No longer did she live in a constant state of fear over losing John – no more ticking. Instead, she simply enjoyed the greatest season of her life. He was her only one and she was his.

By the end of Chelsea’s seventh month of pregnancy, things took an unexpected turn. She was having recurring headaches that sent her to bed for hours at a time. John was becoming more concerned and finally insisted she go to the doctor earlier than her scheduled visit. Because he was worried, John had been researching online and had come to believe Chelsea had preeclampsia. While it wasn’t necessarily dangerous, it could be, so the more symptoms she had, the more concerned he became. Prior to their office visit, he didn’t mention what he suspected in case he was wrong. The last thing he wanted to do was give her cause to worry. As for him, he was terrified. He feared not simply the mild case of preeclampsia, but the more severe kind. Not because of her symptoms, but because of his history with dreaded news. He was expecting the worst because he had once faced the worst. That moment was still vivid in his mind when he learned that his perfectly healthy wife was ill.
There is no cause for alarm
, they assured him.

Anything that threatened Chelsea was cause for alarm. For as long as he had been with her, he had this sense of being too happy, too at peace. How many times had he prayed, “I simply don’t deserve this”? Because he truly felt that way, he had a hidden fear that he might lose her or of something going wrong. How could one man be so happy and it all be okay?

At her doctor’s visit, they discovered her blood pressure was dangerously high, and based on her accompanying symptoms, she was indeed diagnosed with preeclampsia. The only cure was childbirth, so until the baby came, John would live amidst a terrifying cloud of fear. From the moment they arrived home and the moment he could get some things out of his office, he never left the house or, for that matter, rarely left her side. When she suffered from a headache, he would sit quietly in the darkened room while she rested, working on his computer when his mind would allow it. Her mother did the grocery shopping for them, so they didn’t have to get out. Lucy still came over a few afternoons each week, and when she was there, John would spend time with her covering homework and playing with her when Chelsea wasn’t feeling well.

One afternoon in particular while he and Lucy were in the kitchen together, John had what could only be described as an anxiety attack. His chest felt so heavy and he felt so weak that he had to sit down for a few minutes. They had been making Lucy’s afternoon snack, and while she chattered away, he realized how incredibly blessed he was to have her in his life. Then he thought of Chelsea and how much she meant to him. He had lived fifty years without knowing what family really meant. Sure he loved and cared for his parents, but that was different. He was supposed to break free from them to some extent. Chelsea and Lucy and New Baby were
his
family, and they had become his whole world. It was hard to imagine going back to life without them, and as much as he tried to ignore the fear that surfaced again, thoughts of Chelsea’s health became an overwhelming and oppressive consideration. If something were to happen to her, he would also lose his baby, and without Chelsea, he would lose Lucy as well. Everything that mattered to him was all bundled up in his wife, and just as he had been with Tracy, he was helpless to make her better. That thought, that moment was the one that caused his knees to buckle from beneath him, and he had to make his way to the kitchen table to sit down.

Lucy stood near him and said, “My dad’s worried, too.”

John contemplated the grave expression on Lucy’s face, amazed at how perceptive she was. He knew what she meant. They had been honest with Lucy about Chelsea’s condition from the beginning.

“He says maybe I shouldn’t come so much, but I told him I’m helping her.” She patted John’s hand softly. “And you, too.”

“You’re a big help around here.”

John’s heart felt so full at the moment, he nearly cried. Reaching for Lucy, he stroked her hair. “You have made our lives so much better. I think your giggle is what does it.”

Lucy tried to giggle for John but couldn’t really make herself. Because her dad and John were worried, she was worried, too. “She’s kind of my mom, ya know?”

“I know.” John took Lucy’s hand in his. “She feels the same way.”

Lucy nodded. “Do you think it’ll be different when New Baby comes?”

John smiled.
New Baby
was what they all called it since they had decided not to find out the gender. He understood Lucy’s real meaning. She wondered if things would change for her because they had their own baby.

“Yes, I think it’ll be very different for all of us. You’ve never been a big sister before. We will really need your help then.”

He was feeling a little better, but still had an uncomfortable pressure in his chest. Trying to shake it off, he stood, saying, “Let’s go in and check on Chelsea.”

Lucy was excited at the thought of being a big sister. It was the first time anyone said it. She had hoped to be like a big sister, but John actually called her one. That made her less scared. Since Chelsea had been sick, Lucy had been really afraid of what would happen. Every morning and every night, she prayed for her to be okay. Even at lunch before she would eat, she would pray for Chelsea again. Without her, she would probably never have had a mom.

John cracked the door open and whispered, “You awake?”

“I am. Come on in.”

Chelsea’s headache was getting a little better and she was trying to force herself to get up and around. When Lucy was over, unless it was one of the more severe headaches, she tried to stay up and be with her.

John and Lucy sat on the bed with Chelsea, Lucy asking, “Is the baby making you sick?”

“Not really the baby.”

Chelsea didn’t want Lucy to blame the baby. She seemed to be feeling a little jealous as it was. Though there was nothing specific she could point to, there was just this sense Chelsea got. Maybe jealous wasn’t the correct word, more insecure about her place with them was what Chelsea suspected.

“My body is just acting crazy because the baby is there.”

As soon as she made the statement, she began to panic, fearing Lucy would ask how the baby got there in the first place. She hadn’t talked with Tuck about how to explain such a thing. Thinking quickly, if Lucy asked, she decided she would only tell her that she had prayed and asked for a baby and let it end there.

Chelsea watched Lucy’s expression. She sensed she wanted to say something more but was hesitant.

John reached for Chelsea’s stomach and rubbed. “Lucy and I were just talking about her being a big sister. I think she’ll do a great job.”

Chelsea was quiet for a moment. She could see that Lucy was beaming at the thought of it, but what bothered her was how Tuck might react to such a title. As often as she had thought of Lucy as a big sister, she had never dared to say it to her, fearing she would tell her dad. It may seem presumptuous to Tuck to call her that since she wasn’t truly hers.

Stammering, Chelsea agreed, “You’ll be the best big sister ever.”

She turned to look at John, eyes wide, as if to say
I wish you wouldn’t have said that.

John arched his eyebrows, wondering what he had done wrong. He shrugged innocently.

To Lucy, he said, “Why don’t you go get the picture you drew for Chelsea today.”

Lucy bounded off the bed and toward the door. Stopping in the doorway, she turned back. “It’s a picture of New Baby and me.”

“Bring the tape and we’ll put it here by the bed so when Chelsea is resting she can see you both.”

With that she went racing down the hallway, excited to give Chelsea her first picture of her new little brother or sister.

When they were alone, John asked, “What did I say wrong?”

“I don’t know what Tuck will think about us calling her a big sister.” Before he could react, she said, “I’m not angry that you said it, and I feel exactly the same way, but he may not like it.”

His hand was still resting on her belly, so she moved her hand to cover his. “As much as it feels like it, she’s not ours.”

“I know. I’m sorry I said it, but she’s afraid that things won’t be the same when the baby comes. I was just trying to reassure her that we will feel the same about her, that she has a place here then.”

“Did she say that?”

Tears burned her eyes at the thought of Lucy feeling that she might not belong once New Baby arrived.

“Not in so many words, but just before we came up, she told me you are kind of her mom. I said you feel the same. Then she asked if things would be different when the baby came. I think she’s wondering if you will feel the same about her. What was I supposed to say? I just wanted her to see herself as a part of this family.”

Leaning over, she kissed John’s cheek. “It’s okay, babe.”

Lucy was coming back into the room so she let the conversation drop. Actually, John so genuinely loved Lucy that Chelsea could hardly keep from crying. She did too, and because she did love her so much, she often had a fear of not loving the baby as much. Once, she admitted her fears to her mother, who assured her that most moms felt the same. Her mom admitted to feeling that way when she was pregnant with her. She loved the twins with what she thought was all of her heart, but then Chelsea came along and it was as if God expanded her heart to allow for more love, and then again with Lexy and Preston. What Chelsea carried away from that conversation was more than reassurance. Her mother called her a mom; even she saw her as Lucy’s mom. Truly she was, maybe a part-time one, but she loved Lucy with the heart of a mom, of that she had no doubt.

Lucy brought her colored pencils into the room with her so that she could change the picture. Over herself, she wrote,
Big Sister
, and over the drawing of New Baby, she wrote,
New Baby
. “There. Now you will know who’s who.”

Chelsea took the picture and studied. “I love this. Did you bring the tape?”

A honk sounded from outside, indicating Tuck was there to get Lucy, so John said, “Lucy, why don’t you hang out with Chelsea for a little while? I need to talk to your dad for a minute.”

Chelsea’s head snapped up and she looked at John.

“I’ll make sure it’s okay. No worries.”

As confident as John seemed that the conversation would go well, Chelsea could hardly swallow for the lump in her throat. Getting out of bed, she said she would go down and wait with Lucy in the living room.

John stepped out onto the porch and made his way to the driveway, figuring Tuck was surprised to see him coming. In the months since Thanksgiving and Christmas, there had been little need for them to be around each other, and neither pretended to desire one another’s company.

Tuck slowly slid out of the driver’s seat. Expecting to see Lucy run out at any minute, he hoped to skip awkward pleasantries with John.

“I think I kind of goofed up, and I wanted to tell you about it personally.”

“Goofed how?”

Tuck was already overwhelmed by all that was going on in his life; his first thought was that he hoped this wasn’t going to be bad news. He couldn’t take much more.