Beyond Layers: Layer Series Book Four (Layers Series 4) (30 page)

He’s right; he’s figured me out. Figured what I fear most.

“You never stop worrying, never stop fearing. When Lex would call unexpectedly, you’d all but hyperventilate. It takes everything you have to get through one of my games. And the last couple of days, you’ve been putting on a good show, but I know it’s killing you to be here, to be away from Lex and the babies.”

I reach for the scotch. He hands it to me and I down half of it. Looking out at rows of firs, I tell him the truth, my lie. “Everyone I’ve ever loved, I’ve lost. I feel as if I’m cursed, as if I’m a bad penny everyone I love carries around in his or her pocket and can’t get rid of. Do you believe in signs, warnings?”

“Warnings?”

“Lane and I fought the morning of our engagement party. I loved him very much, but I knew in my heart, in my gut, that we shouldn’t be getting married. I knew we needed to take a step back, slow things down until we could figure it all out. But he made me feel guilty and convinced me that we’d work things out after the party. The night before our party, I’d dreamt of my mother. I hadn’t dreamt of her or my dad in years. In my dream she said, ‘set it free.’”

“What does that mean?”

“I didn’t know until after Lane was gone. We were staying in a hotel in Seattle. Lex, Jax, the boys and me. Lex came to my room the morning I was to leave on a road trip.”

“The trip in Lane’s Mustang?”

I nod. I forgot I’d told him about it. “Lex and I had very few shared memories of my mom, her being distant, and me being so young. But one memory we shared was how much my mom loved to stargaze. I don’t know why or how she knew so much about them, but her face would light up when she talked about them. She would take Lex and me to the roof of our apartment building, and we would lie back on a blanket and she’d point out the constellations, tell stories about them, who discovered them, stuff like that. And every time before we would head back into our apartment, she would reach her hand up to the sky, catch a star, hold it in her hand, kiss it, and then set it free.”

“Your tattoo. ‘Love them, then set them free.’”

I nod. “That morning Lex told me about an incident, a conversation she’d had with Lane years before. They had climbed onto the roof of a garage at the Ryan Estate to watch a meteor shower. And Lane reached up to the sky, caught a star, kissed it, and—”

“Set it free,” he whispers.

“Lex and I had never seen anyone but my mom do it. She asked Lane if Mary had taught him, showed him. He told her he’d seen it in a dream.”

“Fuck.”

“That’s what I said.”

“So the dream of your mom, you think she was telling you to set him free, to not marry him?”

“Yes. When Lex told me that story, I knew it was a sign and I’d failed to heed it.”

He shakes his head. “You can’t blame yourself for his death.”

“My parents’ car went off the road when they were on their way to visit me at school. It was bad weather. They shouldn’t have been on the road, but I had begged them to visit. My gut told me I was being selfish. My best friend in boarding school, Hanna, didn’t want to go skiing in Switzerland. I talked her into going even though it felt wrong, felt off. On our first run of the morning, she skied into a tree, died instantly. My best friend in college was killed crossing the road; a drunk driver hit him. He was on his way to meet with me. I was supposed to meet him at his place, but I was running late. I called him and wanted to reschedule, but he insisted we meet; he had exciting news to tell me. My gut told me to call him back, tell him not to come over, but I didn’t. He was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him. He’d just picked up the ring, couldn’t wait to show me.”

“Angel, it’s just life; things happen. You can’t always control it.”

“Maybe not, but each time I knew in my gut to take some kind of action and I didn’t. My gut told me not to fall in love with you, but I did. My gut told me something wasn’t right, something was broken in you. My heart told me I was the only one who could fix you, make you whole. And I still believe that, but can’t ignore my gut. It’s telling me right now to take action, to stop thinking with my heart, and to step back.”

“Sam, my heart is fine. I’m healthier than 90 percent of the population.”

“It’s not just your health that’s concerning me; it’s everything that’s happening around us. It’s Luke, Sandy, Jared, Lex, the babies, our cancelled holiday, a possible saboteur on one of my projects, other happenings I’m not allowed to tell you about. My life is hectic and crazy, but not to this extreme. My gut is telling me to take a step back and figure it out. I can’t help but think and feel that if I don’t, something bad will happen to you, and I won’t do that to you.”

He kneels in front of me. “That’s just crazy. Do you know how crazy that sounds?”

“It might be crazy; I might me crazy. But I can’t ignore it.”

“You’re leaving me?”

“No, Logan. I’m not leaving you. I’m stepping back; I’m taking some time to figure things out. To heed the warning in my gut that I’ve been too selfish to do in the past. If something happened to you, if you were hurt, or worse, killed, it would kill me. It would be my last undoing.”

“I won’t let you leave me.”

“I won’t let you stop me from stepping back.”

He stands. “Then we are over, done.”

“You don’t mean that?”

“Step back and see.”

Day five post break-up, voice mail
….

“Logan, it’s Sam. I wish you’d pick up. I’ll be in Dublin for a few more days. Things here are… crazy. Logan, I’m sorry about everything. I’m scared and confused about things, about us. Even though I’m breaking your heart as well as mine, I feel like I’m doing the right thing. I’m not saying it’s forever, I’m just saying it’s for now. I know you’re upset, pissed, and you don’t like me right now. But if you could at least try to look at things from my perspective, from a heart that has lost so much. You’ve lost your twin brother, your other half, your soul mate. How could you not imagine what losing almost everyone you’ve given you heart to feels like? God, Logan, why won’t you pick up?”

Day six
….

“Logan, it’s Sam. Things here are… well, I can’t get into it. Anyway, Lee told me you moved out, and you’ve been staying with Matt and Allie. I’m sure with the baby coming and it only being a two-bedroom apartment, space is tight. I want to help, Logan. Grant International owns several apartments in the city, for clients and visitors. One at the Trump Towers just became vacant, and I’d like you to consider staying there until you can find a place. Please call me back.”

Day eight….

“Hey, man. It’s Matt. How’s the apartment? Allie and I think Sam’s the shit for breaking up with you, but at least you’ve got the Tower, right? Call me.”

Day ten….

“Romano, it’s Matt. Where the hell are you? We were supposed to meet up for a beer. Call me.”

“Logan, it’s your mom. We haven’t heard from you. Your dad and I are worried. Please call.”

“Logan, it’s Allie, remember me? Hey, I spoke with Sam and you’re an ass. She told me she didn’t break up with you, that she just asked for some time to figure things out. She said that you were the one that ended things. Call me, asshole. Oh, and by the way, I will always be your best friend, asshole or not.”

Day eleven….

“Hey bro, it’s Steph. You haven’t returned my e-mails or texts. What the hell? You better call me. Logan, I’m serious. Pick up the goddamn phone.”

Day thirteen….

“Hey, motherfucker. What the hell? Al and I are at the door. Let us in. We can’t stand here forever.”

“Tell him I have to pee.”

“Did you hear that, man? My wife has to pee. Open the goddamn door. Please.”

Day sixteen….

“Logan, it’s Allie. Stop being an asshole. Pick up the phone? I miss you.”

Day twenty….

“Logan, it’s me, Sam. Please pick up. Allie just called me. She and Matt are worried about you. So am I. Please call.”

Day twenty-five….

“Logan, it’s your dad. Pick up the damn phone!”

“Uncle Logan. Um. Hi. It’s me, Krissy, your princess. Remember me? Call Mommy and Daddy. I have a new dress and I cleaned my room. Daddy put the baby crib parts together last night. It was in a big box. He said lots of no-no words. But don’t tell Mommy. It’s a secret. Mommy’s tummy is big. She cried. She said she’s a whale. Mommy is so silly. Daddy said you’re a dick. But I love silly you.”

Day twenty-seven….

“Hey, Logan, it’s Jared. Um… Mom and Dad said you’re not returning e-mails or calls. Just wanted you to know that Sandy is back in therapy. I love her, Logan, even though she’s lied to me for years about you and Luke. I wish we had talked and you had told us everything. Oh well, what’s done, is done. I guess. Mom, Dad and the rest of us are worried about you. Call them. Call me, okay?”

Day thirty
….

“Motherfucker! Pick up the phone!”

“Logan, it’s Mom. Please call.”

Day thirty-two
….

“Mr. Romano, this is Kelly Stevenson. I’m the property manager at Trump Towers. I’ve e-mailed and left messages at your door and with the doorman, Howard. Howard seems to be the only one who’s seen you, and can verify that you are indeed alive. Please call me ASAP, Mr. Romano, it’s important.”

“Logan, it’s your agent, Hank Barnes. Remember me? Remember we had an appointment this morning? I’ve e-mailed and texted you at least a dozen times. And I’ve been calling you for weeks. This is the first time your mailbox wasn’t full. Logan, I talked to Matt. He told me you’re going through some personal shit. I’m sorry about that, kid, but we need to talk about your future with the Rangers. They want to meet. They called me, Logan. That means they want to negotiate. Call me. Please.”

Day thirty-five…
.

“Logan, pick up, please. Matt and I are seriously worried. This has gone on for too long.”

“Logan, it’s Sam. What the hell is going on? Matt and Allie have called me, your parents, your siblings, your manager, and I just received a third message from the property manager at the Tower. She told me it was imperative she speaks with you. I’m in Hong Kong. It looks like I’m going to be here for a couple of weeks. Please call me, Logan. I’m worried about you.”

Day thirty-seven
….

“Mr. Romano, this is Kelly Stevenson, again. I’ve called and e-mailed you several times and you haven’t responded. I’ve also had Howard attach messages to your take-out and liquor deliveries. So I know you’ve received them. It’s imperative that you respond. ASAP.”

Day forty
….

“Logan, it’s Sam. Leaving notes on your door telling everyone you’re alive and to fuck off isn’t funny. I need to talk to you, Logan. I’m worried and… I miss you. For fuck sakes, call me
.
”

Day forty-two
….