Beyond Reason (13 page)

Ayden came up behind me and set his hand on my shoulder, sending a prickle of electricity down my arm. “This is all fine and dandy, but we need to figure out the bedroom situation. That’s where we’ll see what’s up,” he said.

For some reason, hearing Ayden mention the word ‘bedroom’ messed with me. I closed my eyes and rolled them simultaneously at my pitiful reaction.

“There are five bedrooms,” Gabby replied, but her voice went up an octave on the word bedrooms.

Oh, no. There was a catch.

“Two of the bedrooms have an adjoining ensuite. The other three share two main bathrooms,” she said.

“That’s no big deal,” I said, shrugging my shoulder.

“One of the bedrooms has bunk beds. Two of ‘em. Twin size.” Brandy took over for Gabby. She raised her brow and twisted her lips as she looked at her brothers. “Since we set poor Lily up for this trip, I think it’s only fair she gets one of the rooms with a bathroom. Aaron and I’ll take one without. But I think it’s rock, paper, scissor time for the two of you.”

“I’m fine with it,” Ayden said. “Bunks for me.”

“What about Sammie?” I asked, turning to him. “Are you claiming top or bottom bunk with her?”

Brandy and Gabby laughed, but Mason’s expression was one of complete bewilderment as he looked at his brother. Ayden smiled and dropped his hand from my shoulder as I turned to go get my bags from the entry, but he didn’t say anything.

“So, Lily’s got a date at seven tonight,” Gabby called out, as everyone followed my lead. Like they didn’t know.

“But it might be a really short one. As far as I know, it’s drinks only,” I said, in an attempt to brush off some of the anxiety that was building at a rapid pace. The moment the plane had touched down in Utah, it felt like I’d drank two Red Bulls and six cups of coffee. Even my hands shook if I held them out for more than a second.

“How about we go out for drinks and then I’ll cook a dinner for us tonight?” Ayden offered, reaching for his bag. “That way you won’t feel pressure, one way or another, with Austin. I’ll make sure to make plenty in case you come back late and hungry.”

I dropped my bag and smacked him in the arm. “Not funny.”

“But it could be accurate…” Brandy laughed.

“I can’t have the Rhodes siblings ganging up on me in my condition,” I said, picking my bag up and walking down the hallway.

“Condition?” Brandy asked, following right behind me.

“Yeah. Condition. Look at this.” I held out my free hand, which had a slight tremor to it.

“Shit. You weren’t kidding about freaking out,” Brandy muttered.

“Yeah. I’ve been playing it cool, but now my body’s betraying me. By the time I see him tonight, I’m going to have to sit on my hands.”

I peeked into the first bedroom and laughed. “Found your bunks,” I called to Ayden.

The room was bright blue with a ski mural painted on the far wall. There was a teddy bear placed on each of the bottom two bunks. It looked like a bedroom Mason and Ayden would’ve shared when they were ten. “If this doesn’t call out for sexy time with your girlfriend, I don’t know what will.”

Brandy peeked her head in and started laughing. “Yeah, if you have Sammie by the end of the trip, I’ll be impressed.”

I glanced at the bathroom and then another bedroom, which looked far more traditional. I could see the entrance to the ensuite as well. “I think this is my stop,” I said, admiring the room. There was a fireplace at the end of the bed and an entrance out to the shared patio, which was covered in snow, but there was a trail leading to a Jacuzzi and fire pit that could also be accessed from the great room.

I dropped my bag in the bedroom and followed everyone as we all checked out one another’s bedrooms. They were amazing and I actually felt bad for Ayden. He definitely got stuck with the kids’ bedroom. But not bad enough to switch with him.

I trundled back out to the great room and noticed a ladder in the far corner, leading to a loft. I climbed the steps quickly and saw an old pinball machine tucked in the back and an old Miss Pacman arcade standing next to it. There were large beanbags spread out in front of another large television with a PS4 hooked up. Very cute.

As I was climbing back down, two large hands gripped my waist and lifted me off the last three steps.

“What did you find up there?” Ayden asked, not putting me down immediately.

“A place I’ll probably be hiding out in for most of the trip,” I said. “Now put me down or I’ll kick you where it counts.”

“Whoa,” Brandy laughed as she stuck her head around her brother. “You better do what she says.”

He placed me gently on the ground as if I weighed no more than a ragdoll, which was definitely not the case, and he quickly climbed the ladder.

“Nice. PS4,” he nodded with approval, and I felt a slight stir in my tummy.

“We need a
Call of Duty
tournament before the trip is up. That’s all I’m saying,” I replied.

Brandy nodded in agreement. “Guys against girls.”

Ayden came back down the stairs, and his eyes caught mine. I saw a bit more pleasure than I expected to see reflected in them, and I was suddenly without words.

“There are two bars in the lodge,” Gabby said, coming into the great room. “Maybe, we should hang out close in case Lily needs us for anything. I mean we wouldn’t like spy on you, but we could hang out in the other one, just in case.”

“That’s a good idea,” Jason said, coming up behind her. He nuzzled her neck, and I looked away as if I was witnessing something too personal. But instead, my eyes bounced over to catch Ayden looking at me, and my heart did a nosedive.

“Well, whatever floats your boat. I’m going to go unwind by taking a shower or bath or two before I have to meet Austin.” I felt Ayden’s gaze on me as I left the room, and I wondered what in the world he was thinking about since his old girlfriend would be flying into town tomorrow. There was something behind his eyes that I recognized or wanted to recognize as something that was obviously off the table.

I walked down the hall and into my bedroom. Opening up my suitcase, I grabbed a pair of jeans and a fluffy sweater and carried them into the bathroom, where I was more than thrilled at the sight of a Jacuzzi tub. Tossing my clothes on the counter, I turned on the faucet for the tub and poured some gel under the streaming water. The room smelled of citrus and lavender as the aroma drifted from the tub. Stripping off my clothes, I stepped into the water, and the bubbles shifted as I slid into the tub.

My mind wandered to Austin and all of the questions I hadn’t let myself worry about very much…like what if he hated me and was going to take this opportunity to tell me so in public. Or what if he didn’t even show up?

As the warm water settled around my body, my thoughts drifted to Jake. My chest tightened as images of him flashed into my mind. Would our conversation turn to him? Did I want it to? It had been two weeks since I’d had any nightmares about Jake, and I prayed that they were behind me—that the worst was behind me. It was as if the moment I knew that I’d be facing Austin again, my subconscious began to settle down. But I’d been through stretches before where the nightmares stopped, but it had only been temporary, a couple weeks at the most, and then they came roaring back. But maybe making things right with Austin was the key to letting go and forgiving myself.

I felt warmth trickle down my cheeks as I let the guilt flood through me for the millionth time. I’d spent so many years clutching onto the memory of what Austin and I had shared that the numbness that followed seemed almost welcome. It was a relief to not feel the sorrow and fear of losing someone ever again…until I realized that it was impossible to categorize emotions and everything became numb. I couldn’t be dead to sorrow, but be alive for love. Instead, I just felt dead to all emotion. I really didn’t want to think what would happen if seeing Austin again didn’t help to resolve things. I wondered just how disappointed I was going to be when the meeting with Austin was a bust. Tiring myself out from endless circle talk, I closed my eyes and drifted to a peaceful place.

“Lily. Lily,” Gabby’s voice bounced around my brain for a moment until I realized where I was at and that the freezing water wasn’t part of my dream.

“What time is it?” I asked.

Gabby was standing beside me as I twisted in the tub, trying to gather what few bubbles remained.

“You’ve got forty minutes,” she said, as she turned and walked away.

I shot out of the tub and dried off before glancing at my reflection. Somehow, I think I looked better before the bath.

Great!

I dressed quickly, but I took my time with my hair and makeup. I was no longer in the in-between stage of nervousness and excitement. Now, I was just petrified and my belly felt like a swarm of butterflies had taken over. I dabbed gloss on my lips and let out a deep breath before I walked to the kitchen for a glass of water. I heard everyone upstairs in the loft playing PS4 and laughing.

As I turned the corner into the kitchen, Ayden’s voice surprised me. “You look beautiful.” He was unpacking grocery bags and putting things away, but he managed to stop long enough to make me feel better. Something about him always made me feel better.

“Thanks,” I said, running my hands along my jeans nervously. “So what wonderful meal do I get to look forward to when I come running from the bar?”

He laughed and shook his head. “Something tells me that you’re going to have a wonderful night. But, I’m making enchiladas.”

“I had no idea you liked to cook,” I said, sitting at the counter as he put the groceries away. I had ten minutes and it was only a five-minute walk to the lodge. I didn’t want to arrive early.

“There’s probably a lot of things about me that might surprise you,” he said, grinning.

“I don’t doubt it.”

Mason came into the kitchen, searching the bags and the floor for something.

“Dude, where’d you put it?” His gaze met Ayden’s with a panicked expression.

“Beer’s in the entry. I only had so many arms,” Ayden laughed.

I watched Mason shuffle off to the entry and Ayden’s eyes met mine once more. “If you need anything, text me,” he continued.

I nodded. “I will.”

He leaned across the counter and his lip curled slightly. I found myself leaning toward him. His hand reached around something, which he slammed in front of me.

“You might want to try that mix of whiskey and wine again tonight. It seemed to work wonders on you that one night…” he murmured, pushing a shot of the brown liquid toward me. “Bottoms up.”

I walked along the mostly cleared path toward the main lodge; the frigid air slapping me in the face with each new gust of wind. By the time I opened the doors to the lodge, my hair felt like it had been whipped around in its own personal blizzard. Quickly smoothing my hair as I stepped into the warmth of the lobby, I glanced toward the bar. There were quite a few people already inside, warming up from a day on the slopes. My eyes explored every male who was standing, sitting, leaning, walking, talking, only to come up empty-handed. No Austin.

A wave of relief washed over me as I started toward the bar. I wasn’t quite ready to see him. My mind raced with thoughts of backing out as I beelined toward an empty table in the far corner, overlooking the patio. I sat quickly in one seat, and then realized I couldn’t see anyone coming in, so I switched seats, but not before a low, gravelly voice met my movements.

“Lily? Is that you?” his voice was pure seduction, and my body froze as all of the memories came rushing in—all of the firsts we shared.

Hearing his voice—the familiarity of it—did something to me I wasn’t expecting. It made me shy. I spun around slowly as I felt the burn in my cheeks. My lashes lowered as I mustered the courage to see the man I ran away from so many years before.

As I turned to face him, my voice completely lacked the confidence I’d grown to rely on over the years. “Austin?”

Our eyes met and an awareness of one another melted the rest of the bar into oblivion. I suddenly felt like I was eighteen again, and he was protecting me from myself and from my parents. And like I’d done so many times before, I wanted to run into his arms, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t that girl any longer and he wasn’t that guy.