Beyond the Breaking Point (48 page)

Right now she couldn’t afford to be sentimental. She checked her appearance in the mirror. This was war and she needed to look confident and in control. Then squaring her mental shoulders, she got out of her SUV, climbed the stairs and rang the bell.

Less than a minute later, the door swung wide open. “Why didn’t you use your key?” Phillip asked as he moved to the side to let her in.

“I no longer live here.” And, the thought hadn’t even crossed her mind, she admitted to herself. Cassidy headed for the living room without waiting to be told. As she did, she noticed Phillip hadn’t changed a thing. Even the bare spots from where she’d took a personal possession were still empty, as though waiting for that item’s return.

She took a seat in the armchair. Phillip settled on the end of the couch nearest her.

“You wanted to talk?” he asked.

“My lawyer said the judge dismissed the case,” she said without preamble.

“Max said you cried yourself to sleep,” he said, watching her closely.

Blindsided and off-balanced because of it, she said, “He told you
that
?”

“Actually, he called and demanded to know what the hell I’d done to you. I think he wanted to rip my head off. The feeling is mutual,” Phillip said grimly.

Cassidy closed her eyes and collected her composure. “I’m not here to discuss Max.”

“I, personally, wouldn’t care if we never discussed Max again,” he said, his expression hard.

Trying to get the discussion back on track, she said, “I need to know why you’re fighting this divorce so hard. Can’t you see our marriage is over?”

He relaxed in his seat and assumed a casual pose—arms stretched out along the top of the couch, legs extended out in front of him with feet crossed at the ankles. “Would you like a list? One—you’re my wife. We took vows to love each other until death do us part. Two—you’re carrying my child. Three—because I want my family together again and four—most importantly, I still love you. I will always love you, and I believe you love me too.”

She tried to match his calmness, but it just wasn’t in her nature. She rose to pace the room. “Yes, I love you, but I’m not
in
love with you. You can’t be in love with someone you don’t trust. It just isn’t possible.”

“Cassidy,” Phillip leaned forward and rested his forearms on his knees, “this isn’t the first time you’ve lost faith and trust in me.”

“Exactly,” she exclaimed, whirling on him. “It’s not the first time. Just how many more times do you expect me to go through this with you?”

“Just one,” he said quietly. “One last chance, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll let you go.”

Stunned, she simply stared. “What?”

He rose and came to stand entirely too close to her. “I…love…you. Only you. And I want to be with you for the rest of my life. You and my child, and any other children God blesses us to have. Give me one more chance. Just one. I promise you if I mess up this time, I’ll give you a divorce. No questions. No arguments. I’ll even sign over physical custody of our child and do whatever you say with the house. I’m willing to put this promise in writing.”

Cassidy forgot about the discomfort of having Phillip in her personal space and demanded, “What do you mean, ‘in writing’?”

“I’ll draw up a contract stating that if I cheat—”

“Whose definition are we using?” she interrupted.

He smiled grimly. “Yours. If I have inappropriate sexual contact with another female at any time, I’ll grant you an uncontested divorce.”

It couldn’t be this easy. If it were, it would solve a lot of problems. No way would Phillip be able to keep his end of the bargain, but…

She narrowed her eyes. “If I agree to this, what would you expect from me?” she asked, stressing the word “if,” unable to believe she was bargaining over her marriage.

Phillip’s gaze held hers. “You stop seeing Max. You can’t have any contact with him whatsoever. No phone, no email, not even fucking Facebook or Twitter. We go to counseling and you make a real effort to make the marriage work.”

Cassidy’s thoughts raced as she examined his expression. “You’re serious.”

“Very.”

“Counseling for how long?” she asked, thinking fast.

“Two years,” he said instantly.

“No!” Cassidy shook her head in emphasis.

“You can’t file again for two years anyway. You might as well spend that time trying to fix our marriage, instead of trying to get out of it,” he reasoned.

“No, that’s too long.” She spun away from him to pace again, running an agitated hand through her hair. The ponytail holder she dislodged fell to the floor but she didn’t notice. “Six months,” she countered.

“So you can try to ride out the time and not make a true attempt at reconciliation? I don’t think so, baby.” He crossed to the couch and plopped down. “Look, this isn’t easy for me either. You think I don’t know you want out of our marriage and that I’m the cause?”

She stopped and looked at him. “It’s too late.”

“I don’t believe that. I
won’t
believe it. We can be happy again. I know I messed up. I don’t know how many times or how many ways I’ll have to say I’m sorry before you believe me—”

“Phillip—”

“No, just listen to me. I can be a better husband, a better man if you’ll give me one more chance.” His gaze drilled into hers. Cassidy could tell Phillip really believed what he was saying.

She went and sat on the arm of the chair. “Phillip, the thing with Amber might be why I left, but it wasn’t what kept me away. I think, given enough time, if things kept on the way they were I would have left anyway.”

He frowned. “What things?”

“Sex,” she said simply.

“Sex between us was good,” he said, appearing confused.

 She shook her head. “No, it couldn’t have been. If it were, I would have been enough to satisfy you.”

He groaned. “Are we on that again? All married couples eventually look for ways to spice up their love life. Even our marriage counselor said so.”

“Our counselor was a quack. I’m not going to any more sex clubs, any more swingers’ gatherings, and if you ask me to bring a third into our marriage bed again you’d better sleep with one eye open,” she said viciously.

“You’re agreeing to my terms?” He sprang to his feet and headed toward her, arms outstretched.

“No!” she shouted and jumped up and quickly moved away, putting the chair between them. “Are you even hearing me?”

“Yes, I—”

She faced him with her hands on her hips. “Do you know how demeaning it is, how much it hurt every time you had to put in one of those stupid tapes to get aroused before coming to me? When a man’s in my bed, I need to know it’s me he wants, not just an available body.”

“Of course it was you I—”

“
I’
M
NOT
FINISHED
!
You watched those damn films constantly. Every one of those women had big breasts, small waists, and big butts…and they were white! How am I supposed to believe I’m who you want, me with my small breasts, skinny body, flat ass and brown skin, when that’s who’s getting you hard? And then you go and screw Amber who looks like she stepped right out of one of those videos…” Cassidy gestured to the wall-mounted television.

“I did not have sex with Amber!” Now Phillip was shouting.

“But you damn sure wanted to, didn’t you?” she yelled. Cassidy put her back to him. Damn it, she hadn’t come over here to get into a shouting match with Phillip.

His hands landed on her shoulders and she jerked away and whirled to face him. “Don’t touch me!”

“I can’t even put my hands on your shoulders, but I bet you Max is all over you,” he said resentfully.

“You don’t want to go there,” she said coldly. “When I’m with Max he makes me feel like a sexy, desirable woman. He doesn’t need porn to get it up so he can touch me. And when we make love, his focus is on pleasing me, not what I can do to get him off.”

“I’m not a selfish lover,” Phillip denied hotly. “You climaxed with me.”

“Yes, I did, but it was more about your ego than my pleasure. Even our foreplay wasn’t about me, but arousing me enough so you could get what you wanted,” she said tiredly, suddenly not wanting to argue anymore. Why beat a dead horse?

“I wouldn’t have had to do it if you’d showed more interest in sex,” he said, calming as well.

“And if you’d have spent more time making me feel attractive, sexy, and desirable, I would have been more willing,” she responded wearily.

They stared at each other for a long, silent period of time.

He ran a hand over his head, took a deep breath, and said, “Look, we’ve been given another chance to make things right…for our child. Don’t you think our little boy or girl deserves to be raised in a two-parent home?”

Cassidy’s heart gave a hard thump in her chest. Wary and already on emotional overload, she sank onto the couch, forgetting her desire to keep her husband at a distance. It wasn’t like his request was unreasonable. It wasn’t Phillip’s fault everything in her rebelled against even the thought of it.

“Not if that home isn’t a happy one,” she said quietly.

He came and sat on the coffee table in front of her. Once, seeing that would have had her fussing at him to get his behind off her table and into a chair. “I believe if we work on it, it can be. The bottom line is, like it or not, we’re going to be married for the next two years. I’m not going to quietly fade into the woodwork. I’m going to be there, with you and with our child, doing everything I can to convince you to give me another chance. Everything I put in my answer to the summons was true. I want to save our marriage and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. The same will be true a week from now, a month from now, or a year from now.”

Cassidy wiped sweaty palms on her thighs. “And if I refuse?”

He shook his head. “I’m not going to threaten you, Cassidy. I inadvertently made that mistake last time and lived to regret it. I want you with me,
but
I want you to want to be with me. If you refuse, I’ll keep trying to change your mind. Your saying no won’t change how I feel about you.”

“I don’t know if I can give you what you’re asking for. My feelings for Max…they aren’t casual,” she said, feeling he had a right to know what he was up against.

He leaned forward, his expression intent. “I know. I could tell when I saw you two together. But Cassidy, you’ve been with Max what, a few weeks? Baby, overall we’ve been together ten years. That’s a lot of time, effort, blood and tears. You really want to throw it away for something temporary?”

She didn’t consider Max to be temporary, but then, she’d thought she’d have forever with Phillip and look how their relationship with him had turned out. “I need time to think.”

“Take all the time you need.”

“Phillip, if I do this… If I give up Max, you have to give up porn. All of it,” she said firmly.

“Fine, but I want a real marriage. One that includes sex,” he demanded, holding her gaze.

Everything in her revolted at the idea of Phillip touching her. “I…can’t,” she said, shaking her head.

He sighed. “I don’t mean immediately. I know we have some issues to work out first, but I’m a man. You want me to be faithful, and you want me to give up the only source of sexual relief I have right now, then you have to give me something in return. If you’re serious about working out our issues and not simply making token promises, you’ll know what I’m saying is true.”

“And I want the terms of our agreement spelled out in writing, if I agree.”

“I’ll have the agreement drawn up. We can both review it, sign it in front of a notary, and file it with your attorney if that will make you happy,” he agreed.

Nothing about this situation made her happy. She suddenly stood. “I have to go. Max is waiting for me.”

Phillip’s mouth tightened and his eyes narrowed at the reminder of whom she was sleeping with, but all he said was, “When you decide, let me know. No matter how long it takes, the offer will still be on the table.”

Cassidy left, knowing now she’d be able to think of nothing else.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Max paced his basement, a combination office/den, like a trapped animal. He had files to review, but just couldn’t concentrate. Hell, his mind had gone to shit the minute Cassidy informed him she was meeting Phillip at their house. The home she’d purchased with him, decorated with him, had sex with him in.

Why had she agreed to meet him there? They could have gone to a library, a coffee shop, a restaurant…anywhere without a bed. Somewhere that didn’t hold the memories her home did.

Why the hell hadn’t she wanted him to accompany her? He stopped pacing long enough to run both his hands through his hair. He took off his reading glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose.

That was a stupid question. Of course she didn’t want him there. The last time he and Phillip had been together in her presence, they’d almost come to blows. Cassidy didn’t want them in the same building, never mind the same room.

Max glanced at his watch and began pacing again. On her new schedule she got off at five. Assuming she left on time and depending on traffic, she’d reach Phillip around six. It was almost seven-thirty. How long did it take to say whatever it was she felt the need to say to Phillip? Where the hell was she?

On cue, the phone rang. He lunged for it. “Yeah?”

“I’m on my way. Things took longer than I expected. Have you eaten? Should I run through a drive-thru on my way?” She sounded tired.

“No, come home. I have dinner waiting.” He waited a beat. “Did you resolve anything?”

“Before or after it turned into a shouting match?” she asked, her tone dry.

Bastard that he was, the news they’d been yelling at each other made him feel better.

She sighed. “All I want is you, a bath, and food. Not necessarily in that order.”

“Eat first. Then have your bath. Afterwards, I’m all yours.”
Any time, any way you want me
.

“Max I… Damn it! That’s my mother beeping in. I’d better see what she wants,” she said, sounding resigned. “I’ll see you in a few.”