Beyond the Power of Your Subconscious Mind (20 page)

These kinds of environments attracted workers with a predominantly low self concept. They literally felt “worth-less” and since their primary motivation was survival, they just kept their mouths shut and did what they were told to do.

As time progressed, more and more people were able to attend college and the general education level increased. In the 1950s there became an emergence of seminars, books, and teachings that dealt with the subject of self discovery and the importance of developing one’s self concept and self esteem.

We began to see the emergence of more and more enlightened leaders. Leaders who truly recognized the ingenuity of the human spirit in all people. Leaders whose self concepts were well intact and who appreciated and valued that creative ideas and solutions could come from anywhere within the organization. They created environments that fostered openness and developed reward and recognition systems for such valued contributions.

More and more leaders began to perceive themselves as teachers and mentors. Instead of seeking personal power, they recognized the value of empowering others. Rather than controlling their employees, they were inspired to influence them. They realized when you control someone you no longer influence him. As a parent, for example, would you rather control your children or influence them? I hope the answer is obvious.

And lastly, the enlightened leader was not into being served by others but rather being of service to his or her fellow workers.

Which work environment would you choose to work in? Another question that I presume the answer is obvious.

When leaders clearly embrace these values and principles, they don’t possess their employees. They may take ownership in helping facilitate the success of others (another value), but they know they don’t own them. Promotions and advancements, even when it results in the employee leaving the company to go elsewhere or start his/her own company, are greeted with praise and congratulations.

I am reminded of a quote from the book,
Flow
,* where the author writes,

Ideal teachers (i.e., managers) act as bridges over which they invite their students to cross. Once having facilitated
the crossing, they joyfully collapse allowing their students to build bridges of their own.

19

Constructive Criticism, Dealing with
Mistakes, and the Perils of Perfectionism

If I was addressing a large audience and asked the question, “How many of you like to be criticized?” a very small percentage would probably raise their hands.

Criticism, when properly defined and well intended, can be an excellent teaching tool. But first we need to define the word itself and differentiate between constructive and destructive criticism. Then, how we administer the criticism is essential—our focus must remain on particular behavior or procedure while leaving intact the self esteem of the individual being criticized.

Let’s define criticism.

Destructive
criticism devalues the individual being criticized.

Constructive
(or informational) criticism teaches the individual being criticized. If I were to re-ask my question, “How many of you like to be criticized?” and your understanding of the term criticism was, “an objective assessment of your behavior or actions with the intention of helping you improve,” it is more likely a majority of the audience would raise their hands.

Our problem with the word criticism is that most of our early memories of being criticized were destructive criticism, where we were scolded and told how bad we were for doing something “wrong.” We were made to feel guilty or bad about ourselves, often leading to feelings of being worthless. When we are repeatedly criticized by authority figures, our self esteem gets beaten up and our overall self concept is lowered.

Imagine as a small child a giant (i.e., mom or dad) saying to you, “What’s the matter with
you
” over spilling your milk or arriving five minutes late for dinner? This is insane. This parental behavior sets up an internal pattern within the child which screams loudly inside his head, “I hate to be criticized,” and, worse yet, devaluing self talk such as, “I can never do anything right” “I will never be as good as my big brother (or sister),” etc., etc. How criticism is handled with children is a significant factor in the raising or lowering of the child’s self esteem and self concept. Much adult therapy is spent in unwinding early childhood memories of being told one was bad or no good or literally worthless (i.e., of no worth).

So what do we do when our child does something really unacceptable, like throwing a rock through the neighbor’s window or “borrowing” mom’s car for a little joy ride when mom and dad are out for the evening? Does this mean there is no punishment for this wrong behavior?

Of course there is punishment, which hopefully is limited to the suspension of privileges or confinement to one’s room, etc. Psychological beatings, however, such as yelling and screaming, can have long-term debilitating effects to the person being yelled at.

So what do we do?

The answer is to keep fully focused on the behavior, not the individual himself. “Criticize the deed, not the doer.”

For example, “Johnny, what you did is totally unacceptable. We love you, Johnny, but we don’t love what you did. That kind of behavior is something we don’t do or approve of in our family. You are a good person, Johnny, but what you did is wrong. Let’s discuss it.”

This is an overstated, oversimplified example. But the message is: when we criticize someone (especially someone we love, such as a child or spouse), we need to be certain our intent is to help or improve a condition of the person being criticized and not just an excuse to vent our own anger or frustration. As a rule of thumb, it is best to defer criticism when we are angry. This is when most destructive criticism occurs.

In business, good leaders and managers develop expertise in constructive or informational criticism. They are able to assist an employee and correct performance in a way that actually increases the self esteem of the person being criticized.

Example: “John, in our review yesterday you stated you wanted to make more money, and in our company that means making more sales. You are a good salesman. But, I have noticed you don’t always write down your appointments, and I have heard from some of our accounts you don’t return their calls promptly. I used to have that problem myself. Let me share with you the system I developed that has enabled me to be much more effective in managing my calendar. And for me, personally, it resulted in increased sales because by more efficiently managing my time, I was able to actually increase my number of sales calls while maintaining good customer relations by always responding to their needs or inquiries promptly. Let me show you how I did that. You have the potential to be one of our best salespeople, John.”

Bottom line on criticism, be firm on issues but easy on people. Again, criticize the
deed
, not the
doer
.

So how do we constructively deal with mistakes so we don’t beat ourselves up in the process.

Mistakes
—
an interesting word, which we will discuss in more detail in a moment.

I received a telephone call recently from a friend who began his conversation with, “I want to make amends.” When I asked him for what, he stated he had told me he had sent a book to a friend of mine when in reality he hadn’t. He said he had sent out two books that day and he thought he had sent one to my friend. He said, “I fibbed.”

Another interesting word.

I asked if he had told me he sent the book to my friend and knew he hadn’t, or had he actually thought he had sent it but later realized my friend was not who he had sent it to. He responded that he genuinely thought he had sent the book at the time he told me he had. Yet, he sounded terrible and admitted he felt awful.

Frankly, I was flabbergasted.

I said, “You didn’t fib, you simply made a mistake. Why are you beating yourself up for making a mistake?”

Unfortunately, many of us have been conditioned, beginning at a very early age, to think that it is
bad
to make a mistake. This, then, gets internalized as, we are bad. If we spilled our milk, we were scolded. If we dirtied our clothes, we were asked what was wrong with us. If we showed up late for dinner, we were sent to our room. If we forgot to do our homework, we weren’t allowed to watch TV. If we did poorly on a test . . . and on and on and on.

Insanity! We were made to believe that not only were mistakes bad, but we were bad if we made them.

Of course, once we grew up we forgot all that nonsense. Right? Wrong.

My friend who called me this morning to “make amends” is in his mid-30s. What happened (in his mind) when he made a simple mistake? How about this: “I made a mistake. That’s bad. I’m bad. I fibbed to Jim. I’m a liar. Why do I always screw up?” . . . ad nauseam. You laugh, but that’s how many people deal with mistakes.

None of us go through life without making mistakes. But, how we deal with mistakes is essential to our well-being. Some people beat themselves up while others have the ability to laugh at their mistakes.

The other evening my wife and I saw the movie “Showtime” with Eddie Murphy and Robert DeNiro. At the end of the movie and following the rolling of the credits, we were shown the out-takes. As you know these are the humorous occurrences during the making of the movie where the actors screwed up their lines and made a mis-take. In fact, the director is shown saying, “Take two,” take three,” and however many mis-takes are required to get it right. And, what is the response of the actors who made the mistake? They laugh like hell! So does the rest of the cast and the audience.

We need to lighten our load and not be so serious when we screw up. That doesn’t mean we don’t accept responsibility. But, we simply admit (to ourselves or others) we made a mistake.

They put erasers on pencils and bumpers on automobiles to help us deal with our mistakes. (If we deliberately ram someone in another car, that is not a mistake. That is a direct hit! There is a difference.)

We can learn from mistakes. It is good to try and avoid making the same mistake over and over. But, let’s not beat ourselves up (or someone else whom we love) for making a simple mistake. If necessary, we apologize and get on with it.

“I love myself unconditionally.”

‘I never devalue myself with destructive criticism.”

“I have unconditional warm regards for all people at all times.”

The Perils of Perfectionism

Each of you has already, or will have, a relationship of some kind with a perfectionist. It may be a parent, sibling, teacher, coach, friend, or manager—all of whom intend to make you a better person.

Most often, perfectionists have inherited the “value” of perfectionism.

I do not intend, here, to make a judgment about perfectionism, but rather point out my observations, over time, of the burden perfectionists tend to put on those over whom they have the greatest control or influence. If you have or have had perfectionist tendencies, the choice is clearly yours in determining whether or not their continuance will bring you greater joy and happiness and enhance the quality of your own life as well as those who are most important to you.

I believe it is a tremendous burden to be parented or managed by a perfectionist. Seldom will your behavior or performance measure up to the expectation of the perfectionist. And, over time, one’s self esteem runs the risk of being knocked down from the constant feeling of not being “good enough” in the eyes of the person who you may love and admire the most. In families especially, the traits of perfectionism tend to get passed from generation to generation.

Is this the time to consider breaking that chain?

The problem with perfectionism is that excellence is seldom good enough. The world view of the perfectionist is focused on what is wrong with things rather than what is right.

Consider the example of a young aspiring gymnast who has the performance of her life. She gets a standing ovation, the judges rate her performance a 9.8, and she wins first place. It would be most natural for her coach to say, “Fantastic performance! You were great! Look at how far you have developed.” Words that would, rightfully, make the young gymnast feel really good about her performance and herself.

Now let’s look at this same situation and the words that would likely come from the mouth of the perfectionist coach. “Good job. But, let me point out what you need to keep working on, that was the difference between your 9.8 and a 10.” He then continues to coach her by pointing out the things she did wrong in her performance. And, although he is intellectually correct in his analysis, he doesn’t add to the celebration. The young gymnast leaves the arena thinking of her errors rather than her successes. Over time, this well-intended coach becomes a “psychic bleeder.” The psychological effect is that the person being coached feels less worthy about herself, again, for not measuring up to the expectation of the person coaching, teaching, or managing them.

You might ask, “Well, how does the person improve her performance if someone isn’t telling her what to work on”?

Good question.

What we are talking about, here, is the process of how one is coached. All coaching is based on enhancing performance.

The non-perfectionist coach, who accepts excellence as his performance standard, might have said something different after the performance of our young gymnast, who we will name Mary.

“Mary, that’s the best you have ever done. You were fantastic! I can’t wait until Monday when we can watch the tape of your performance together. Great job! Let’s celebrate.”

The coach may have some constructive thoughts or coaching tips as well. But, he is also genuinely thrilled over Mary’s performance, and now is certainly not the time to make additional suggestions. In this approach, Mary leaves her performance thinking to herself, “Wow, I really hit it today. All that training and hard work is paying off. I feel great!” She is left with the opportunity to review all the things she did right. As she lies awake in bed too excited to sleep, she sees in her mind that great dismount, the crowd leaping to their feet, the judges holding up their scores, her teammates and coach hugging her, giving her all those high-fives, etc., etc., etc. She literally feels elated about herself and her self worth.