Big is Beautiful (15 page)

From the way things were going, I could enjoy my night and not have to worry about Kendra making it miserable.

This was really happening! I was going to the Red Ball with Matt.

Could the day get any better?

****

The answer was yes; it could get better. Jillian threw herself down in her seat across from me at lunch, smiling from ear to ear. "He asked you, didn't he?" She looked as giddy as I felt.

I blushed. Did everyone know? But I decided to play coy. I'd never been able to tease about my dates before, mainly because I hadn't had any. "Who are you talking about?"

Her head fell to the side. "Are you really going to play stupid with me?"

I shrugged nonchalantly. This was kinda fun.

"Fine." She opened a ketchup pack and squeezed it next to her chicken strips. "Don't tell me. See if I care."

She ate a few bites. I didn't say a word. It was totally obvious she cared. "Uh…" She tossed her chicken down on her plate. "You're going to the Ball with Matt Taylor, right?" Jillian said it so loud, a group next to us looked in our direction. To be polite, I smiled and gave a little wave. Their heads snapped around and they began whispering enthusiastically among themselves. Yup, lots of talk about ole Big at Easton today.

"Shhh…" I said, semi-embarrassed. Truthfully, more of me liked the attention than didn't. It wasn't every day I got talked about positively.

Jillian didn't shhhh… "I would have jumped up and down."

She could read me so well.

"You have no idea," I blurted out and relaxed on my elbows. I could actually talk to Jillian about this. "I want to scream to the hills. I can't believe it. I mean, can you?"

"Not really." She laughed.

"I know, right? I've not known him that long… well, I've known him, but you know… Then he kissed me yesterday and asked…"

"Whoa!" Jillian's eyes were saucers and her finger was pointed up halting my train of thought. I should have probably called her last night and told her all of this. "Hold up! He kissed you?"

The other table heard that as well. Oh yeah, before the end of the day everyone at EHS would know. I didn't hate that idea.

"Just once. Technically, twice."

Her jaw dropped.

"I kissed him once. He kissed me once."

"Where?"

"Geometry."

She blew out an annoyed breath. "No, silly. Where… where did he kiss you?"

"Oh." My brain was a little slow on the uptake today. I figured it had to do with watching skinny Jillian eating food I desperately wanted but refused to have. Maybe a cracker later wouldn't kill me. "On the lips."

She fell against the back of her seat and laughed. "Brittany Gregory. You have yourself a suitor."

"Am I in nineteenth century England?"

"You are in my book." She giggled. Jillian was all about the old school Regency romance novels. Most girls my age liked vampire or supernatural books. Not Jillian. She was an old romantic at heart.

"I don't know if I have a suitor, but I definitely have a date." I couldn't get over saying it.

She squealed, clapped her hands, and scooted closer to the table so we could talk more privately without the eavesdropping table getting all the information. "I can't believe we're both going to the Ball! How cool are we?"

"Frigid." I pushed the salad around my plate as was my normal routine.

Jillian took a drink of her caramel colored soft drink. "What are you going to wear?"

"I asked my mom to go shopping with me, you, and your mother after school if it's okay?"

"It's fine. I'm excited." I'd never seen Jillian so animated. She bit a wonderfully delicious looking piece of chicken strip. She stopped mid-chew. "Aren't you going to eat?"

"Not hungry." I was starving.

Chapter Thirteen

Jillian and her mom arrived at my house right on time. My mom, however, wasn't. We sat in the kitchen chitchatting until my mom came running downstairs, apologizing every step of the way.

Jillian's mom, Sonya Baker, smiled warmly and told her it was fine. Sonya looked a lot like Jillian, same pale skin tone, same gorgeous dark green-colored eyes, same small-boned body. I wished I looked more like my mom in the 'small-boned' department.

My mom threw a tennis shoe on as she jumped around the kitchen. It would have been embarrassing if it wasn't so funny. "Sorry." She stopped and took a breath. "Brittany's dad, my husband, called and I couldn't get him to shut up. He decided to take the job, by the way." She spoke directly to me.

"The one where he'll be gone longer but might lead to a full time position in Knoxville?" I asked.

She nodded. "I know you were looking forward to him being home, but this way he'll be able to be home almost every night after six months."

"No, I understand. I'm happy for him." It would just be a long six months. Maybe Matt Taylor would keep me company.

We rode in Jillian's mom's mini-van. It was large and a golden beige color. Jillian had four siblings, so space was a must. I had to squish between two car seats, which wasn't my finest moment. While we rode to dress store, the moms talked about where to eat supper and I nearly panicked. I'd eaten all of a pack of peanut butter and crackers today (I gave in, okay?). I didn't want to eat and gain even an ounce before the dance tomorrow! And they'd decided on eating at the steakhouse. That place would cause my belly to expand just looking at the menu.

I couldn't dwell on supper, though. There was plenty of time to worry about that. Sonya pulled into Bella's Boutique, and a new type of nervous energy hit me. I was going to get a dress for the Red Ball!

Boy howdy!

Strangely, I had never had a hate/hate relationship with the mirrors in dressing rooms. I knew some people did, and I assumed others would think I did. But I didn't… not really. I knew I wasn't a size 2 or even a 12. I was an 18 and understood that meant I'd look differently in dresses than other girls.

The problem was putting size 18 me in a red dress.

It wasn't that plus-sized people weren't attractive. The many, many plus-sized models proved they were. I was just saying I wasn't one of them. I had never thought of myself as attractive. Not like other girls. There was even one girl, Danika, in my class that was bigger than me. She was gorgeous. In my mind, she carried her weight differently than I did. Her weight was spread out all over her frame. I carried mine in my stomach region. I could even make my two stomach rolls smile by squishing them together if I wanted. Such a fun talent to have.

Looking through the racks of dresses, I felt my empty stomach tighten. The thought of putting a red dress on scared me to death.

I went to the plus-sized section and whittled down the few selections. Number one rule was red. It had to be red. Second, it had to fit. No alterations since the ball was tomorrow. With those two things firmly in my brain, I selected two of the only dresses that fit those criteria. One was a size twenty. The other was an eighteen. The eighteen was the prettiest, but I knew formal gowns were made smaller than normal clothes for some reason. I worried I wouldn't fit.

Jillian found her dress in the first ten minutes we were there. It was a gorgeous cherry red gown with crystals on the thick straps that crisscrossed on the back. It had gorgeous beads down the middle of the top, making it sparkle in the store lighting. It flowed out right below her ribcage. She looked like a model.

Holding my huge dresses, I was going to be sick.

"Let us see something. We didn't come all this way to look at a curtain." My mom said on the other side of the dressing room.

I tried on the size twenty dress first. It was a maroon shade of red with two thin spaghetti straps on each arm. There were a few beads on the bodice but nothing to write home about. It was pretty and would do if I had to wear it. At least it zipped.

I opened the curtain and the assembled party oo'ed.

"It's pretty," my mom said, biting her bottom lip. I think she was just happy we found a red dress that fit at this late notice.

"I like it," Jillian added with her goddess dress in her lap. I wanted her body so I could have her dress. Maybe if I kept up this dieting thing I could wear a dress as small as hers next year. But for this year, I was stuck in the big section. A section named just for me.

"It's pretty." Mrs. Baker looked me up and down. None of them seemed particularly enthused. I felt their pain.

"I'll try on the second one." I faked a smile and backed back into the dressing room.

Dress number two, the size eighteen, was gorgeous. Truly gorgeous. It was a darker red silky material under a wispy red overlay. The top had a thick one shoulder with ruching at my bust. Beads of crystals made a beautiful design from my chest to my waist.

It had a certain old world charm that appealed to me, and a corset back I adored. The saleslady helped me squeeze in it and laced the corset. My chest rose into a place I never thought it could go. Though I couldn't breathe, I felt beautiful. Me? Beautiful.

I walked out of the dressing room, and my mom's jaw dropped. "Brittany!" she gasped, sitting on the edge of her seat. "It's beautiful."

"You sure?" I asked, totally knowing it was. But outside in front of all of them, I started questioning myself. How many fat rolls did this thingy enhance?

"She's sure." Jillian smiled with her eyes sparkling. She liked it.

"It doesn't make me look too… vampire-y?"

Jillian sputtered a laugh. "No, not vampire-y. It looks sophisticated. Elegant."

"You should get it," Sonya eagerly agreed.

"It's three hundred dollars." I mouthed to my mom who turned a funny shade of white.

"It doesn't matter," she said finally. "Your daddy said price wasn't an issue. Do you love it?"

A good question. I did love it. I thought my hair pulled back in some way would make the silhouette pretty. And the corset and fabric made my tummy appear smaller.

"I love it!" I beamed, unable to hold it in any longer. Once I said it, doubts started creeping in. What if it was too formal? What if people thought I was trying too hard? What if I looked like a big red idiot next to Matt, who couldn't look bad if he tried?

"You're doubting it," my mom said. How horrible that she could read me so easily.

I studied the dress in the full length mirror to my right. It looked so pretty. Even on me. And it was just as formal as Jillian's dress. If no one would make fun of her, they wouldn't make fun of me.

My mom didn't wait for any kind of response from me. She leaned to the side so she could see the saleslady better. "Emily, wrap it up. We're taking it."

****

After the excitement of getting the dress started to fade, the reality of what to do about supper came crashing down. My mom didn't know I hadn't eaten a full meal since Tuesday. In fact, she would be furious if she found out. I'd hidden it at home by not getting much food out and putting it in my napkin which I threw away in the upstairs bathroom when I excused myself after supper.

I couldn't do that at the steakhouse.
Lord, what am I going to do? I can't eat and fit into my dress. I barely fit into it as it
is. Please, help me.

I ordered the smallest portion of food I could find, a six ounce steak with baked potato and green beans. The potato would be easy to hide. Just move it around my plate until it looked like I'd eaten quite a bit.

"Brittany, is something wrong with your steak?" My mom asked with a hunk of hers on a fork heading toward her mouth. I loved steak.

"No, I'm just not that hungry."

"Worried about fitting in your dress?" Sonya laughed and ate another bite of her salad. She wasn't wrong.

"That's silly." My mom looked at me hard. "You need to eat. You'll wither away."

I didn't see myself withering away anytime soon.

"Brittany?" My mom had a worried tone I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to upset her. Three sets of eyes bored into me, and I wanted to crawl under the table.

"I'm eating. See?" I cut a piece from the steak, dipped it in some steak sauce and put it in my mouth. At the taste, my eyes rolled back in my head and my stomach rejoiced.

It was the best bite of food I'd ever eaten.

Chewing up the first meat I'd had in four days, I cut up another piece. And another. And another. I was sure I looked like a starving kid in a candy store. Starving, I had been.

My mom and Sonya talked and laughed. Jillian began texting Oliver, giggling at whatever he was texting her. I looked down at my plate and froze. It was gone.

All of it.

Not just the steak, but the potato and the green beans as well.

I felt like I could hyperventilate, but I didn't want the others to know.

What had I done?

That dress was small enough as it was. It might not even fit now!

Freaking out, I excused myself and ran to the bathroom. I had to do something. Had to get back to zero calories and fit into my dress. I loved that dress, didn't love the steak I'd eaten like a crazy woman.

The first stall was locked so I went to the second. I flipped the seat up and tried my best not to sound too loud. I didn't have to shove my finger very far down my throat to get myself to gag. The food had upset my stomach so much, it wanted out as much as I did.

I couldn't stop the noise that came out, the retching, yucky sound echoed though the stall. I felt so bad for the woman in the stall next to me. Hopefully, she'd already eaten.

I threw up a few more times to make sure I had everything out. This was crazy. Why had I eaten so much?

Idiot!

When the only thing coming out was dry heaves, I put the lid down and stood. My legs were wobbly, and I had to lean on the side of the stall for support. Beauty was pain, though I wondered if this wasn't too much pain.

I heard the stall door next to me open and heels clicking on the tiled floor to the sinks. Water turned on and I heard splashing.

I took a deep breath. I needed to get to my table before they missed me.

After I straightened up my shirt and fluffed my hair, I walked out of the bathroom expecting the lady in the stall next to me to be already gone.