Bitter Almonds (33 page)

‘Your family, your cousin's orphan, your commitment to your uncle, your frien—'

‘
You
.' His arms shook. ‘You are more important.' His voice spilled out like scorching lava.

Confused by the raw emotion, she let him pull her closer. His facial features morphed with the closeness. Angles of his strong jaw softened and his shaved skin hid his masculine severity. What had she done to this solid man? Though trapped by his strong grip, she felt a power she had not known before. Feminine power putting her ahead of anything else in his life. She swallowed.

He touched his forehead to hers. ‘Let's get married and end this madness.'

The warmth of Marwan's forehead burned her skin; his heavy breathing fanned her cheeks. Her stomach turned like it did every time Mama fried fish in the house. A compelling need to escape outdoors had always
overtaken her. Now, she had the same urge to flee. She did not expect this turn. Things had gone in the opposite direction of what she wanted. She misjudged Marwan's feelings for her. All the better reason to let him go. He did deserve better than her. Someone who could love him back with the same intensity, if not more. Someone pure and whole. And she was tainted with the controversy she had created by her actions, a huge part of her soul resting in Omar's hands. She placed her hands on Marwan's chest and pushed. A timid move.

His fingers tightened on her shoulders. ‘Marry me.' His voice but a whisper, he failed at hiding the urgency in his tone. ‘I will do everything I can to make you happy.' His words oozed with emotion, coaxing, shrouding her with new sensations she didn't invite. Why did he make her experience this now?

She shoved him harder, unlocking their bodies. ‘Are you testing me?'

‘What?'

‘You want to see if I will allow you indiscretions? Now that you think I act recklessly?'

‘Nadia, no.' He stumbled backward. The insult colored his face crimson and indignation deepened his dark eyes. ‘How could you think that of me? I can't help the way I feel about you. I want to marry you despite—'

‘Despite what I did? I don't need your charity.'

‘Despite the fact that you don't love me the same way.' He yelled out the words, and his eyes flew to the door of Mama's room. It remained shut. ‘If that makes me a fool, I don't care.'

‘What does that make me?'

‘My wife.' With his defeated tone, the words came out broken. ‘Why are you doing this? I've done everything you asked of me. With all the pressures I am under, I've done my best to accommodate your wishes.' He reached out for her again, and she backed away. ‘Please tell me what you want. You don't want to take care of my cousin's child?
That can be worked out. You want to get your diploma? I will make sure you do. You want a job? Fine by me.'

Desperation seeped into his voice and saddened his beautiful eyes, hiding them further behind his long eyelashes. It tore at her heart. Her anger turned to pity, an emotion she never expected to experience toward strong, dignified Marwan. She had to end his downward spiral. But what could she say? She dropped on the sofa. ‘I cannot marry you.'

‘Why?' he exploded. ‘For the sake of all angels, just tell me.'

Her tears ran as if a faucet had been turned on. Was that all she could do? She cowered under his piercing gaze, her tongue tied a thousand knots.

‘Is there someone else?'

Several seconds passed and she remained silent. She twisted her engagement ring around her finger, hesitant to slide it off while he watched.

He dropped beside her, his knees almost touching hers. ‘Is that why you went to Omar?'

‘He . . . he was very angry.' She chanced a glance at Marwan. ‘He thought I was . . . cruel for using him to hurt you.'

He released a ragged breath. ‘Omar was right.'

‘Please, you must not blame him. Omar cherishes you.'

His jaw muscles clenched several times. ‘And you . . . love
him
?'

Was there a state deeper than love? Omar was part of her composition. It was like waking up from a coma when she came into his presence. There was no way she would admit her feelings out loud now, to articulate them using simple words for the first time. And to whom? To her fiancé? She hardly breathed.

‘You refused to take off his pendant and wore it with mine all the time. No one wears silver and gold necklaces together. Rihab had told me and I thought nothing of it.' He placed a hand on her fidgeting fingers, staying them. ‘I should have known then.' He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. ‘Does Omar know?'

‘I don't think so. I don't want to ruin your friendship with him.'

‘You don't give me enough credit. You don't know me at all.' He knelt in front of her, took off his ring, and placed it in her hands. ‘Regardless of what you think of me, I want you to be happy.' He brought her hands to his lips and placed a warm kiss.

She watched him leave through the front door, her vision blurred.

The door to Mama's room opened. ‘Why are you crying?' Mama sounded angry and less forgiving than Nadia had hoped. ‘Did you expect another outcome after what you did? Isn't this what you wanted?'

Fatimah shoved a couple of tissues into Nadia's hands. ‘Better it happened now. Better than having her come back to you in a couple of years divorced with a baby in her arms.'

Mama took a chair. ‘What are we going to do now? You have ruined everything!' Her outburst snapped Nadia out of her trance. ‘People will want to know why Marwan broke the engagement.' Mama slammed her palms on her thighs. ‘What have I done to deserve this?'

Another slap.

‘Why did God take Mustafa and leave me to deal with this child alone?'

Slap.

‘Now I will have two unmarried daughters under my roof.'

Slap.

‘Where is my son to relieve my load?'

‘Mama, stop wailing like an old woman.' Huda stepped in. ‘Shareef would have made a bigger mess had he been here, so don't pretend he could be the answer to your troubles. And who told you I wanted to be under the mercy of a man, anyway?'

‘Stop aggravating the matter.' Fatimah pushed past Huda and pulled quiet Nadia off the sofa. ‘Kiss your mother's hand,
habibti
. Ask for her forgiveness and blessings. We will work everything out.'

Nadia grabbed Mama's hands, kissing them and touching them to her forehead three times. Mama remained silent, not uttering the
usual forgiving prayers. Desperate, Nadia dropped to her knees and tried to kiss her mother's feet. Mama placed a hand on Nadia's head. ‘Get up.'

The phone rang, startling everyone. Huda picked up the handset, put her hand on the speaker, and mouthed out the words, ‘Rihab. Marwan's sister.'

Mama motioned to talk to Rihab. Huda shook her head, gripping the phone with both hands. She greeted Rihab, and then fell silent. Several minutes passed.

‘Of course. Thank you.' Huda ended the call.

‘Well?' Mama wrung her hands. ‘What did she say?'

‘Rihab apologized on behalf of her brother.' Huda stuck an index finger in the air. ‘Apologized, you see?'

Mama raised her eyebrows. ‘Apologized?'

‘Marwan told her he had to break his commitment to Nadia because his uncle was putting too much pressure on him to marry his cousin's widow. She hoped we could understand Marwan's position. She wants to visit soon to wish Nadia well.'

Mama put her palms together under her chin and lifted her eyes to the ceiling. ‘
Alhamdullilah! 
'

‘Rihab said Marwan hopes he will be welcome here once Omar returns.' Huda shrugged. ‘I agreed, of course. The noble man proved himself to be of a special caliber.' She connected eyes with Nadia. ‘Makes me reconsider my opinion of men.'

An invisible force pulled Nadia's bones out of her body. She no longer could bring herself to her feet, and she fell back on her heels. Fatimah leaned by her side, surrounded her with her arms, and pulled her along to her bed, murmuring soothing words and sucking the guilt out of her soul.

 

34

‘I did what Nadia wanted. You understand that, right?' Marwan took the chair in Omar's room. ‘I had no choice. It has nothing to do with . . . with what she did.'

Omar kept his eyes on the water kettle, watching boiling bubbles rise to the surface. He didn't know what to say to his friend, who had arrived on his doorstep out of the blue. So much had happened in one day. When he had returned to the base, he had been caught up in the upheaval of the swift rank changes following the coup. His mind had kept straying to Nadia's visit, to her declaration of sorts, and his inability to do a damn thing about it had mounted with his frustrating situation. The world was crumbling around him: the death of Nasser but a month earlier, and now this earthquake of a coup. The superior who had saved his ass in the morning was arrested, no idea what the charge was. Omar had made a quick visit to the man's wife as soon as he was allowed to leave the base, and assured her he would launch a defense for her husband. He had friends who graduated ahead of him and worked at attorney offices all over the country, including the Military Court.

His misery reached its peak when he made it home late at night, exhausted and falling apart. The signs of Nadia's presence bombarded his senses. The shirt she had worn to bed lay folded on top of his blanket, the towel hung on a hook behind the bathroom door. If he closed his eyes, he could smell a hint of her sweet perfume. He had to open the window to be able to function, and thank God he had before Marwan showed up.

He stirred a heaped spoonful of coffee and turned down the flame, using the mundane task of making Turkish coffee as an excuse to keep his back turned.

‘After all this time, she wanted me to let her be,' Marwan mumbled. ‘Why didn't she come out and say something, instead of going about it the way she did?'

Omar killed the gas. ‘She didn't want to embarrass you in front of your family.'

‘She doesn't want to marry me. I don't think she ever did.'

The kettle shook in Omar's hand. ‘Did she say why?' His voice sounded like it belonged to a mischievous boy about to be caught red-handed.

Marwan exhaled loudly. When he took too long to answer, Omar turned to meet Marwan's piercing gaze. He was no coward. Time to face the storm.

Marwan's lips twisted as he ran his tongue over his teeth, clearly weighing what to say. ‘She didn't have to.'

Omar filled one cup to the rim, splashing coffee on the cup's small saucer.

‘She changed, you know?' Marwan's voice rumbled low. ‘Not the naive girl anymore.'

‘She grew up.' Omar abandoned the coffee service, sure his shaking hands would make a bigger mess before he reached the table. Could Marwan hear his drumming heart across the small room?

‘At my expense. I'm convinced someone else is in her heart.'

Omar held his breath. ‘Who?'

‘She spared me the humiliation of telling me to my face. You have to give her that.'

Exhaling in relief, he carried the coffee tray to the table.

Marwan reached for a cup, ignoring the coffee dripping from the bottom. He took quick sips. ‘If anyone can find out, it would be you.'

‘What makes you think that?'

‘You two are close enough. She . . . misses you.' Marwan dug in the paper bag he carried, produced a book, and placed it on the table. ‘I think this belongs to you.'

Omar slid the book to his side to check the title. Lacy ends of a blue and white ribbon dangled from one side. He withdrew his hand and studied his friend.

‘She did me a favor, you know?' Marwan pushed the book further away from him. ‘With all the pressures I'm under from my uncle, I think this might be for the best, after all. I've become very fond of the widow's son. He's already like a son to me.'

Omar tried to decode Marwan's words. The man's pride smashed to dust, he needed the charade of his uncle's pressure to save face. Omar would not deprive him of that mask. He gave a curt nod, letting Marwan know he would play along. ‘You may be right.'

Marwan rose to his feet. ‘Are we good here? You and me?'

Shamed by his secret elation at this development and feeling guilty for subjecting his friend to this treachery, he stuck his hand out. ‘You're like a brother to me. I don't want this to come between us.'

Marwan grasped his hand and stepped into a genuine hug. ‘Of course it will not.'

Two months later, Omar had his first chance to take a weekend leave and go to Damascus. He didn't phone ahead of time, and headed to an electronics store as soon as he stepped off the bus. He wanted to walk in carrying gifts, and he had just the right thing in mind for everyone. He had been saving for it for months.

Balancing the big box between his arms, he climbed the stairs home and used the tip of his boot on the door. He had no idea who opened it at first since he could not see in front of him.

‘What is this?' Huda asked.

‘Clear the table, will you?' he huffed, the weight getting heavier by the second.

He set the box down and straightened. The little girls ran and threw their arms around his waist. ‘You're home.'

He returned their embrace, soaking up their warmth and unabashed affection. How much he missed that. ‘Mama Subhia home?'

‘She went to escort Nadia back from her classes.' Huda started stripping the wrapping on top of the box, and the girls let go of him to tear away the rest.

‘A television?' Salma shrieked, hopping off the floor.

‘What do you mean, escort Nadia?' He tried to concentrate over the girls' jubilations.

‘You didn't know?' Huda raised her eyebrows; a controlled measure of interest kept her eyeing the box.

‘Know what?'

‘Mama doesn't let Nadia go anywhere without her. She even tried to prevent her from attending classes, but Waleed and Fatimah talked her out of it.'