Bitter Bonds (5 page)

*****

Finn had learned a lot about relationships and kink hanging out with Micah and Haven. Both of his friends had been forthcoming about their relationships with their Doms and what went on at Darkness. Gregarious Micah had an open personality. Open mind, open heart and open mouth. He sometimes chattered like a magpie. Haven, while not precisely shy, was much quieter and more introspective. If one ignored his tattoos and piercings, Haven truly was the epitome of a librarian. After spending the last three weeks of days off with the two of them, Finn realized that his own personality fell midway along the spectrum between Micah and Haven, which made the three of them a very good fit as friends.

Had Micah been in Finn’s situation, there was no doubt that the young man would have confronted Jake as soon as he discovered his attraction to the older man. Haven would have stayed silent until Jake made the first move. Finn hadn’t been silent nor had he made the first overture. But his feelings for his boss went deep and Finn wasn’t comfortable remaining silent in the face of the emotions that welled within him.

Not once in his life had Finn ever questioned his sexuality or his sense of self. He’d always known he was gay. He’d always known he leaned toward sexual submission. Full submission had never occurred to him until he’d begun going to a leather club in New York City during his aborted college days. His collaring by Reynolds had taught him things he’d never known about Dominants and submissives, but he’d also learned since coming to live with Jake that his situation with Reynolds wasn’t the norm between most people into kink.

What Micah and Haven had with their Dominants made Finn burn with envy and longing. He understood why Jake felt he could no longer offer a submissive a place in his life. It still didn’t stop Finn from craving the same kind of relationship his friends had with their lovers. It didn’t stop him from craving Jake. And as much as he might want to take a leaf from Micah’s book and confront Jake about what simmered between them, he instead took one from Haven’s and remained silent. Pushing Jake might lose him the little he had of the man and Finn couldn’t risk that.

Choosing to be cautious meant that his resolve to not ignore the attraction between him and Jake was tested to the limit. He couldn’t push Jake but he did want to know why Jake wouldn’t act on the attraction. Haven’s words wrapped around him, encouraging him to go after what he wanted despite Jake’s reluctance to get involved. Those words replayed in his head as he slipped onto a kitchen stool and watched Jake drop chopped vegetables into the wok.

Both of the bands had come in early and quit early, leaving the studio empty and dark by seven pm. Finn had finished his clean up while Jake went upstairs to make dinner. Now freshly showered and dressed in a pair of loose sweats and a baggy T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, Finn hungrily watched his mentor cook. His stomach growled at the delicious scent of stir fry but another part of his body complained more. While Jake’s back was toward him, Finn pushed the heel of his hand sharply against his rising cock to discourage it from any further hardening. He had a difficult task ahead of him and his eager dick got in the way of his self appointed mission.

“I can hear your stomach growling all the way over here,” Jake joked as he stirred the contents of the wok. “I’m glad to see all your bones disappearing. Ray and I were worried about how thin you were.”

Finn rubbed his still damp head, ruffling his hair. “Mr. Reynolds kept me on a strict diet. I wasn’t allowed to weigh what I should for my height and bone structure.” He grimaced as he swiveled the stool a little. “I guess he liked me looking like a waif.”

Jake’s expression darkened. “That man has a lot to answer for,” he growled. “You’re a man not a boy. His idea of a strict diet is my idea of starvation.”
A flush heated Finn’s face as he watched Jake pour sauce into the wok and begin stirring again. “You call me ‘boy’ sometimes,” he pointed out.
Broad shoulders stiffened visibly. Then Jake turned and their gazes met. “That’s not about you looking like you’re barely legal. That’s about me being older than you.”
“Isn’t it about dominance and submission too?” Finn figured he had nothing to lose speaking the truth. Jake wanted him to be honest and he wasn’t inclined to hide or be secretive anyway. He thought that his best chance to get anywhere with Jake was to be absolutely honest to the point that it caught the Dominant off guard.
Jake cursed under his breath. “Yeah. I guess it is, sort of,” he admitted grudgingly. “It’s not like I can turn off that part of me. I am who I am and you’re who you are. I’m a Dominant and you’re a submissive, just like I have dark hair and you have blond hair.”
When Finn opened his mouth to comment, Jake shot a stern, warning glance at him. “That admission was not an invitation for you to submit to me.”
Annoyance pricked Finn. Every time he seemed to get somewhere with the attraction between them, Jake shot him down. He made a face at the Dominant’s back.
“I didn’t ask if I could submit to you,” he said, knowing he sounded like a brat. “Maybe all I wanted was a fuck.”
Jake whipped around. “Jesus, Finn! Watch your mouth!”
Feeling entirely out of sorts and hugely horny, Finn pouted. “Why should I? It’s not like either of us are holy rollers like my parents. What’s wrong with speaking the truth?”
With a huge, heavy sigh, Jake slid the bowl of stir fry onto the counter before turning to the rice cooker. “There is nothing wrong with speaking the truth. However, some situations require finesse and tact.” He returned with a bowl of steamed rice.
“I didn’t think I needed those things between us.” Finn picked up his chop sticks as Jake filled his plate with food.
Jake sighed again and when he spoke bitterness tinged his words. “I suppose you don’t, but I’m not used to all this, you know. Neither of the subs I collared in the past worked out. I wasn’t a good Dominant. I didn’t care for them the way I should have. It made me realize I don’t live a life that is conducive to having a submissive.”
Forking a shrimp into his mouth, Finn chewed slowly, his thoughts churning. “Maybe you weren’t a good Dominant for
them
. Their needs and expectations didn’t match yours so it didn’t work out. That doesn’t make you a bad Dom, Jake. Believe me, I know what a bad Dom is. You said yourself that Mr. Reynolds was a crazy fuck who had no business calling himself a Dominant. I lived with no safe word, no limits. He did what he wanted with me twenty four seven.”
He swallowed hard and looked away from Jake’s gaze for a moment. “For fuck’s sake! The guy made me have sex with all his friends,” he muttered, his own bitterness coming out. “I didn’t think I had a right to say no. Now that I want to say yes to someone, you keep throwing all these roadblocks at me even though you want me too.”
When Finn tipped his head up, the expression on Jake’s face froze him in place. Astonishment warred with sympathy in the depths of Jake’s amber eyes. Finn thought he could see arousal as well, but he just couldn’t be sure of anything when it came to the older man. Jake hadn’t been an easy read when it came to the subjects of sex, attraction and dominance and submission.
“You really want me, Finn? Without giving me your submission? Just vanilla sex? Just…sex?”
The quiet words held a note of uncertainty in them. Finn briefly wondered if Jake had ever really done vanilla. He seemed such a consummate Dominant. His bitterness over his previous D/s relationships made Finn very wary of saying or doing the wrong thing with him.
Setting his chop sticks down, Finn turned on his stool so that he completely faced Jake. “The night Ray brought me here was the best night of my life. Up until that moment, I hadn’t ever been free to live and just be me,” he said in a voice so soft he could barely hear it himself. “I was finally out of the closet, could acknowledge that I was a submissive, and had the freedom to admit that a man, a Dominant, attracted me sexually. That man is you.”
Cautiously, Finn reached out and touched Jake’s long fingers where they lay on the granite countertop. “You stood there in the doorway’s golden light and you looked like a god to me. I was tired, scared and hungry, but the moment I saw you I forgot all those things. My cock came alive on its own, something that hasn’t happened to me in a very long time. What I want is simple, Jake. I want
you,
any way you will have me whether it’s just us naked in bed or with toys or leather or…”
He broke off unsure what else to say to make Jake realize how much he wanted him. He stared down at his lap and noticed that his cock had risen again. Music spilled through his head, poignant and filled with the longing he felt to be with the man who sat across from him. Absently, he made a mental note to write the music down soon. It would never go away until he did. Once committed to paper, new music would come to him. But right now, he had something far more important than music to think about.
Jake’s handsome face held an expression of lust like none Finn had ever seen before. Dinner sat on the counter forgotten as the Dominant reached out to brush Finn’s ragged strands of hair back from his forehead.
“So silky,” Jake murmured. He leaned a little closer and Finn’s breath hitched even as his cock ached.
Finn couldn’t exactly remember the last time a man’s touch had filled him with pleasure. His former master had shared him with any number of his friends, some of whom had been nice men, but none of whom would have been Finn’s choice of sexual partners. Before he’d been forced to accept Mr. Reynolds’ collar in order to survive, Finn had been happy in the discovery and exploration of his submission although he hadn’t really gotten any further than a few one off spanking scenes in the New York City club where he’d met Mr. Reynolds. But under the yoke of Reynolds’ stern, unforgiving dominance, Finn had not been happy and his submission had become ingrained, something he did by rote because that was his life, not something he did with pleasure in his body and joy in his heart.
The soft drift of Jake’s knuckles down Finn’s cheek sent waves of heat through the submissive. He ached to drop to his knees and unzip his Dominant’s jeans. Every cell in his body screamed at him to submit to Jake because Jake was his true master. Even when his eyes drifted closed, Finn could see Jake’s face. He dreamed of him nightly and woke shuddering from his orgasms. Despite the caution that held sway in his head, Finn’s body had been attuned to Jake’s from the moment they’d met.
“You’re sure?”
The quiet words fell between the harsh breaths they both took. Finn nodded and slipped down off the stool. Jake did the same. For a long moment they stood staring at each other, the heat of attraction and arousal spiraling silently out of control between them.
“Whatever you will give me…” Finn whispered, the ache in his heart and his groin almost too much to bear.
One long fingered hand grasped his and tugged. Finn followed Jake from the kitchen. They stopped in the hallway outside Finn’s bedroom door. Jake leaned close, his eyelids drifting down partway.
“So beautiful.”
The warmth of lips brushing his sent Finn’s heart into overdrive. He clutched the Dominant’s arms, trying not to melt into a puddle on the floor. He parted his lips for the next soft kiss Jake offered. The slick glide of the Dominant’s tongue against his, only for the briefest of moments, almost make Finn sob with pleasure.
Hot breath teased his ear. “Your bed. Now.”
Finn’s eyes snapped opened and he stared at Jake, part of him loving the command but the other part of him confused at why Jake wanted to do this in his bed. Without thought, his gaze darted to the door he knew led to a playroom. The Dominant shook his head and Finn’s heart sank. Jake’s words about not needing a submissive echoed in his head as disappointment made his stomach clench. Even though he’d known Jake wouldn’t give him anything but vanilla sex, he still found himself blinking back tears of rejection as he turned toward his bedroom. He wanted Jake to want his submission. He wanted to be what he’d been born to be, but Jake didn’t want that from him and despite knowing it was coming, the rebuff cut him deeply. He struggled to hide his pain because he was totally vested. He’d begun to love Jake and if he didn’t want to lose out on the chance to be with him he needed to keep control of his emotions.
Stepping into his bedroom, Finn sensed Jake’s closeness, knew that he followed only a step behind. Jake closed the door as Finn moved toward the bed. Steeling himself against the urge to drop to his knees, Finn turned and their gazes met. Jake’s amber irises had darkened and his pupils were blown wide with arousal. Finn’s heart rate stepped up a notch. Even if he couldn’t give Jake the submission that begged to be released from within him, Finn still wanted to feel pleasure at the hands of a man he desired. He barely remembered what that felt like. He stood quivering, his instinctive responses as hesitant as a virgin’s without the direction of a Dominant.
As Jake tugged at Finn’s T-shirt and began to undress him, Finn tried to tell himself that he could accept Jake as his lover without accepting him as his master. He tried to believe that what was happening between them, the safety of vanilla sex, was what he needed after his mistreatment by his former master. But in his heart, he knew he belonged to Jake whether the other man collared him or not. He knew he’d found his true master and no other man would ever affect him the same way nor call to his submission so strongly.
He trembled when Jake untied his sweats and they fell to the floor. For a split second, he waited for Jake to tell him what to do about the puddle of material around his bare feet. When no orders were forthcoming from the Dominant, Finn kicked the pants away and stood naked before the man he wanted.
The music inside his head soared as he lifted his gaze to Jake’s. He couldn’t decipher the emotions swirling in the other man’s eyes, but they held an intensity he’d not soon forget. No one had ever looked at him that way. In an instant, his own emotions overwhelmed him and tears threatened. No one had ever wanted him unless they had an ulterior motive. Not his parents, not his former master, not even his first lover. The pure lust and need in Jake’s eyes was something Finn had no experience with. He only knew that he felt the same and he would do anything to have that moment replay itself over and over for the rest of his life. That’s when he knew he’d completely fallen in love with Jake.
One of the tears welling in his eyes spilled over. Jake caught it with one fingertip.
“Finn?” he whispered, his voice filled with caution and curiosity.
“It’s okay.” Finn heard the hoarseness of his voice, the way it shook with emotion. He wanted Jake to know how he felt but he didn’t have words for it, only the music swirling in his head. “I just—I just don’t know w-what to do.”
Understanding dawned in Jake’s warm gaze. He smiled and cupped Finn’s head in his hands. As his mouth lowered toward Finn’s he murmured, “Just do what feels good, what feels right. Your instincts will kick in if you stop thinking about it so hard.”
Soft, nibbling kisses heated Finn’s lips. With a sigh, he melted against the older man. He slipped his hands inside Jake’s T-shirt to touch the warm skin beneath. The rough silk texture made him hungry for more. Without breaking their kisses, he pushed the material upward until it caught at Jake’s broad shoulders. They both groaned as Jake lifted his head and pulled the shirt off. It fell to the floor onto the pile of Finn’s clothes.
Staring at the hard muscles and golden skin of the Dominant, Finn could barely stop himself from begging to be allowed to service his master. Instead, he reached for the top button of Jake’s jeans. He popped it open and then pulled the material, hearing the soft sound of the remaining buttons releasing the button fly. Pushing the material over Jake’s hips, he let go as gravity took over and the well worn jeans slid to the floor.
The jeans were forgotten as his gaze dropped to the older man’s genitals. He’d never seen a more beautiful cock. Thick and long, it curved toward Jake’s belly, a gorgeous column of hard, masculine flesh with a flared head, flushed red and already decorated with a drop of creamy pre-cum balancing on the slit. The heavy balls beneath were shaved or waxed clean of hair but the rest of him wasn’t. A thin trail of dark hair led from Jake’s navel to the neatly trimmed bush above his cock.
Faced with such obvious masculinity and dominance, Finn trembled, unsure what to do next. None of his former master’s friends had been as big or as physically beautiful as Jake. Finn’s former boyfriend had been a kid his own age. He had no experience with a man like Jake, but it didn’t stop him from wanting the other man with a yearning that made his gut ache.
Jake’s words about honesty came back to him in that moment. He tipped his head back and drew a shaky breath. “I don’t know what to do,” he confessed, the words coming out in a plaintive rush.
A smile curved the lush mouth of the Dominant. Jake brushed a kiss to Finn’s forehead, leaning in until their cocks touched. Finn gasped and Jake’s smile widened. With one big hand, he captured both their erections, smearing their pre-cum down the hardened lengths of flesh.
Wide-eyed at the new experience, sensations he’d never felt before rushing through him, Finn didn’t know whether to keep staring into Jake’s face or to look down at where their cocks rested in his grasp. Curiosity and lust won out and he dropped his gaze. His heart nearly stopped at the sight of Jake holding their penises, one darkly flushed, thick and straining with ridges of swollen veins and drops of pre-cum pearling at the tip. The other was long and slender, paler and snaked with blue veins, the head a deep pink, glistening with the copious amounts of pre-cum that spilled from the tip and flowed down the shaft.
Finn could have come just looking at their cocks and Jake must have sensed his lack of control because he let go and pressed Finn down onto the edge of the bed.
“Do you want to suck me?” The roughness of Jake’s voice held a passion Finn had never experienced before.
“Yes,” he moaned, his tongue coming out to wet his lips. “Oh, God. Yes.”