Bitter Bonds (8 page)

“The boy longs for a collar.”

Ray’s words pierced Jake straight through the heart. He sipped his cola and watched Finn standing in a corner of the bar talking with Haven and Micah. The three of them were wiping sweat from their brows after spending the last hour burning up the tiny dance floor with their erotic moves. Jake had never seen anything more guaranteed to make a Dom’s dick hard than the way Finn, Haven and Micah danced. He knew Kellen and Nick had had to adjust their dicks and he’d done the same. But it wasn’t exactly the sexiness of the dancing that slayed Jake. Despite the eroticism of Finn’s dance moves, every line of the boy’s body screamed his submissiveness and that made Jake ache to touch him, to urge him to his knees…

“Every Dominant in this club can see his natural submissiveness. They’re circling like sharks.”
Gavin’s comment held a note of amusement and Jake shot his friend a dirty look. Gavin grinned back. The other Dominant knew that Jake seethed with anger. He and Ray fueled it with their comments about Finn and the Doms who’d been giving him the once over since their arrival ninety minutes before.
“Now that he doesn’t look half starved, he’s quite striking,” Nick said matter-offactly. “The waiflike thing he had going probably appealed to a lot of Dominants, but looking at him now, all filled out and healthy, he’s stunning. He’s a very beautiful man.”
Nick’s words cut Jake to the core because, of course, they were the truth. Finn as a waif thin boy had been hauntingly beautiful. But the Finn who stood with his friends, his body glowing with health and vitality, his lean musculature on display for all to see, head high but with his submission wrapped around him like the cloak of a prince…that Finn was the most gorgeous man Jake had ever seen. And he wasn’t the only one to think so.
Jealousy ate at Jake. The more he denied himself Finn’s submission, the more angry he became at each glance bestowed on the young man and each dig his friends made at his refusal to collar the boy. His gaze raked the silky pale skin he’d spent hours licking. Finn took a sip of his cola and Jake feasted on the movement of his skin over his throat. The boy would be so beautiful in a collar…
“I don’t understand why you’re denying yourself and him,” Kellen murmured in Jake’s ear so the others couldn’t hear. “He doesn’t want another Dominant and you’d flip the fuck out if someone else tried to collar him.”
Jake dragged his gaze from Finn and glanced up at Kellen. “You’re wrong. He deserves better than me. He needs to go back to Juilliard and he needs to find a Dominant who will nurture his music.”
Kellen shook his head. “I don’t think he wants to go back to Juilliard. It’s too painful for him Haven says. He needs to be somewhere safe, somewhere people will see and hear him. No one has ever given that boy the chance to have his needs met let alone voice them. He needs to be more important than the music to someone. And for all he yearns for a collar, he needs a lover not a master. A Dominant lover who understands his need to submit.” Every word Kellen spoke sent up a roar within Jake. “Yes, yes, YES!” his instincts told him. At the same time, his cynicism stirred the pot of bitterness in his gut. How could he be enough for this boy? He hadn’t been enough for two others and they weren’t as needy as Finn.
“I can’t,” he whispered, his gaze returning to Finn. Despite his words, he could barely look away from the man he’d been steadily falling in love with over the past few weeks.
Kellen snorted, anger darkening his eyes. “Stop thinking you’re not good enough. Stop thinking you’re not what he needs. You’re not what Damon and Mitch needed. That’s why they left. But Finn is different and his needs are different. You and he fit together in a way you never fit with Damon or Mitch. Get your head out of your ass and realize what you have before you lose it!”
Swinging away from Jake, Kellen strode across the room and came up behind Haven, winding his arms around his submissive. Jake stared at his friend. Six months ago, Kellen wouldn’t have shown a single sign of affection toward Haven in public or otherwise. He’d kept himself emotionally unavailable to his submissive. It had taken a huge mistake on Kellen’s part and Haven’s near death for Kellen to realize how much he loved his sub. Since then, he and Haven went to couples therapy and worked on their relationship. Kellen had become a better Dominant and Haven had blossomed in his care. If anyone understood the value of realizing what you had before you lost it, it was Kellen.
A hard nudge in the shoulder blade pushed Jake forward a step. He frowned at Gavin.
“You’re out voted, Jake. We all feel the same as Kellen. He’s perfect for you. Don’t lose him through your own bullheadedness.” Gavin gestured toward Haven and Micah. “If you aren’t careful, Finn’s fellow subs will find him someone else and trust me, what you’re feeling now is nothing to what you’ll feel if you lose that boy to another Dominant.”
The rough growl in Gavin’s voice reminded Jake that Gavin had lost the love of his life and hadn’t been the same since. He stared into Gavin’s pain-filled eyes and then back at Finn. Gavin nudged him again.
“You didn’t used to be such a pussy. You didn’t used to be so scared. Take a good look at your life, Jake. You aren’t happy. You aren’t content with who you are and that means you’re gonna be a shitty Dominant. You need to get yourself under control and understand your own needs and emotions and then you need to stake a claim on Finn.”
Gavin’s words held a note of regret in them and Jake knew the other Dominant was thinking about his own mistakes, not just Jake’s. He stared at Finn, loving the silky fall of white blond hair over the submissive’s forehead. A tentative smile curved his lips as he listened to something Micah was saying and Jake remembered the brilliance of Finn’s full smile directed at him, capturing his heart.
He drew a deep breath as he came to a decision. Gavin was right. He needed to pull himself together and sort out his feelings about himself and Finn. He turned and his gaze met Ray’s.
“Can you make sure Finn gets home okay? He has a key, but I drove.”
“Where are you going?” Ray asked suspiciously, his eyes searching Jake’s.
Swallowing down his fear, Jake looked from each of his friends to the other. “I’m going to the cabin for a couple of days. Finn knows what to do at the studio. I trust him to keep things running. I-I need to think. I need some space.” He ran a hand through his hair and realized his fingers trembled. “Gavin’s right. I’m out of control and I need to fix that.”
“And just what am I supposed to tell Finn?” Ray demanded, his expression filled with a mixture of anger, frustration and worry.
Jake let out a long breath. He took a step back from the bar and told his friends, “The truth.”
He turned on his heel and slipped through the crowd, avoiding glancing toward the corner where Finn stood. He couldn’t look at the submissive. If he did, he wouldn’t go and he now realized that he needed to leave. He couldn’t make a decision about his life, about Finn’s, without thinking everything through and he couldn’t do that where the ghosts of all his failures reigned. Ten - Cristophe and Rafael

“You’re right again, brother.” Cristophe sighed heavily. He turned toward his twin, a frown marring his smooth forehead.
“It’s not your fault. You keep thinking like a human when you’re not one any longer.” Rafael patted his brother soothingly on the shoulder.
Cristophe dangled his sandal clad feet over the side of the cabin’s roof. Soft snow flakes fell, mingling with the feathers his wings were losing. Over the past few weeks his wings had lost very few feathers as Finn and Jake grew closer. Now, Jake had left Finn alone so he could make a decision about their future. For the first time since the night Finn had met Jake, Cristophe and Rafael’s wings had begun to actively molt once more. That was not a good sign.
“I thought Jake would jump at the chance to have a submissive so perfect for him,” Cristophe said, his voice just a hair away from a whine.
Rafael made a face. “That’s thinking like a human. People never do what’s logical, brother. They overthink things and get stuff so twisted inside their own heads that they can’t see the obvious. Jake is a classic example of that.”
The angels floated down from the cabin roof and peered into the bedroom window. Jake lay in the king sized bed, the sheet twisted around his hips from the restlessness of his sleep. Cristophe’s frown deepened as he stared at the sleeping Dominant but Rafael touched his brow and smoothed away the tension.
“He’s not what you think he is. In fact, he’s not what
he
thinks he is either.” Rafael’s lips tilted up in a smile as Jake rolled over and punched his pillow in his sleep.
“What do you mean?” Cristophe asked.
“Jake’s last two submissives left because he didn’t have time for them. They needed a formal, strict environment. Jake thought he could give it to them, but the demands of his job stopped him from spending the kind of time with them that they needed. Now, he doubts himself as a Dominant which is one reason he’s hesitant to collar Finn.”
Cristophe’s brows snapped together as his frown returned. “There’s more than one reason?”
Rafael nodded. “Oh, yes. The problem here is that Jake thinks Finn needs the same sort of formal Dominant/submissive environment that his last two subs needed. Finn had that with his previous master and you and I both know how poorly that worked out.”
“Reynolds used Finn,” Cristophe whispered with a shudder.
“He hurt him in every way possible and worse than anything else, he didn’t value Finn. In the beginning, Finn didn’t mind because at least the guy wasn’t using him for his music the way Finn’s family had. But then he realized it was worse because Reynolds didn’t even see Finn as person.” Rafael’s expression grew dark.
“The formal Master/slave environment is all Finn knows when it comes to his submission,” Cristophe murmured thoughtfully as he watched Jake toss and turn in his bed.
“Exactly.” Rafael nodded toward Jake. “Which is why Finn doesn’t know how to tell Jake what he needs.”
“He needs a less formal arrangement. He needs room to breathe and grow as a person and a submissive.” Cristophe’s face began to glow with excitement. “And Jake needs a less formal arrangement too. He needs a submissive, but not one whose every move he has to dictate. He needs a lover and a companion who is submissive, not a submissive who is his lover.”
Rafael grinned at his brother. “That’s it exactly. Jake and Finn both need to be loved, first and foremost. The Dominant/submissive part of their relationship is important, but it needs to be natural and relaxed, not formal and not forced.”
Cristophe grinned at his brother, happy to finally have a handle on what the two humans needed. Then his face clouded. “But they don’t know how to achieve that kind of relationship.”
“No, they don’t. And neither of them fully realizes what it is they need. It’s up to us to influence Jake so he knows what to do when he goes home.”
Rafael took a step closer to Jake’s bed. Cristophe followed.
“Are we going to do what we did to Kellen? Show him the past in the hope he understands himself and Finn better?” Cristophe asked in a soft whisper.
“No.” Rafael shook his head. “This time, I think we need a more subtle approach.”
He sat on the edge of the bed and nodded toward the other side, indicating Cristophe should sit on Jake’s other side. Once they flanked the sleeping Dominant, Rafael reached out one hand toward his bare arm.
“You take the other arm. We’ll direct Jake’s dreams so that when he awakens he’ll understand what needs to be done.”
Cristophe turned worried eyes on his brother. “Will this work?”
“It’s always a crap shoot, Cris. You know that,” Rafael said on a sigh. “All we can do is try.” Eleven - Jake

In the dream music swirled around him. It flowed like silk, caressing his naked body, making him yearn for something he couldn’t put his finger on. He struggled to open his eyes, to see where the music came from, who made it. Fingers brushed his face. Lips touched his lightly, leaving the taste of lust and something more behind. His heart began to race.

Finn.
The name floated in his mind and he identified it with the touches and kisses that made him ache. God. He loved the boy so damned much but he had no idea what to do about it. Fear wrapped around him, binding him more strongly than cuffs or stocks or chains. As Finn’s touch left him he cried out, hands reaching for the man he loved.
With an effort, he lifted his eyelids. He stood in the bar at Darkness. On either side of him Gavin and Kellen stood with heads bent, their whispers filling his ears with things he didn’t want to hear. Before him stood Micah and Haven, flanking a grand piano where Finn sat, playing the beautiful music that filled him with happiness. The boy glowed with a silvery white light, his head bent over the piano keys. He wore only tight black leather trousers and boots and his pale skin gleamed in the low light of the bar. Silky strands of white blond hair fell over his face, obscuring his features from Jake’s gaze.
Micah and Haven leaned over Finn, whispering in his ears. He stopped playing and Jake’s soul ached at the loss. Finn stared off into the distance, his entire being focused on something out of Jake’s range of vision, something both Micah and Haven pointed out to their friend.
“You’re going to lose him.” Kellen’s whisper sent a shudder through Jake.
“He needs a collar, a Dominant to control him.” Gavin’s hiss filled Jake’s other ear. “If you can’t give him what he needs, he’ll find it elsewhere.”
“Don’t be an idiot, Jake. Don’t lose him.”
Jake drew a deep breath and tried to take a step forward. An invisible hand in the center of his chest held him back. He struggled, trying to get free, trying to get to Finn. As he looked on a tall man, almost too beautiful to be a Dominant, came up to Finn. Haven and Micah stepped back. Finn stared up at the man who held out a glittering silver collar. He stood and the man smiled at him. Finn returned the smile and knelt, his movements graceful.
Pain began to radiate through Jake’s body and he struggled to move, but couldn’t. As he watched, terror ripping through him, the Dominant put the expensive collar around Finn’s neck and closed the clasp with a padlock. Soft hand claps came as he pulled Finn to his feet, tossed the key to the padlock into a trash receptacle and enveloped Finn in a crushing embrace meant to warn all Dominants that this was his sub to love and protect.
Finn allowed the Dominant to lead him away and even though Jake called after him, screaming and pleading with the submissive, he never looked back. Ears ringing, head woozy, Jake stared at the door Finn disappeared through. Finn had never once looked at him and despite his desperate pleas, Finn hadn’t looked back. Jake’s heart broke into a million pieces.
With a strangled yell, Jake sat up in bed. His heart raced and his breath came in painful gasps. He stared around his bedroom at the cabin, trying to get a grip on his panicked emotions. Rubbing the center of his chest to ease the ache in his heart, Jake swung his feet to the floor. Head hanging, he gazed sightlessly at the braided rug beneath his bare feet, his mind filled with the dregs of the dream.
In all his life, Jake had never been more sure of anything than he was about his feelings for Finn. The music he could live without. He’d already decided that being a rock star had been the dream of his twenties. It wasn’t the dream of his thirties. Now, he wanted peace, love and happiness. He needed companionship and contentment. He wanted to feel loved and needed and he wanted to know that the person he loved and needed returned his emotions full force. Building a home and a life together and sharing kinks and laughs, those were the things he wanted more than anything. And now he’d found the person he could have those things with. Finn.
All roads of thought came back to the young man who’d dominated Jake’s mind and heart from the moment he’d laid eyes on him. Finn, whose talent called to the music in Jake’s blood. Finn, who made his cock and balls throb with lust. Finn, whose natural submission hadn’t been beaten out of him by that bastard who’d made him a slave for five years. Finn, who had made his way inside Jake’s heart with a tentative smile and an expression of utter love and submission on his elfin face.
Jake loved Finn.
Calm acceptance of that fact settled into Jake. His love for the young man who shared his home had nothing to do with dominance and submission although it added another dimension to it. What Jake felt for Finn would never go away and if he wanted any chance to have forever with his ideal man, Jake knew he needed to get his ass home and tell Finn he loved him.
Reaching for his clothes, Jake dressed quickly. The painful, crippling sense of loss he’d experienced in his dream still lingered inside him. He needed to get to Finn right away. After the dream, he didn’t need days away from his submissive to know that he wouldn’t be worth a damn if he lost Finn. And he knew, deep in his heart, that Finn needed him too. If he was honest with himself, he’d admit that Finn had known what they both needed better than Jake had himself.
It was past time for Jake to stop whining about the submissives who hadn’t been right for him. They were his past. Finn had proven himself to be more than perfect for Jake. It had been Jake who’d been stupid and blind, held captive by the painful, bitter bonds of a past he needed to let go of. Now that he had, he needed to get to his submissive. He had weeks of lost time to make up for.