Bittersweet (33 page)

 

 

They say children don't just love their parents; they fall in love with them. They listen to their advice, heed their warnings, and trust them to create a safe and happy home, sheltered from harm.

It used to be that way for me. Once. I had a mother who doted on me. A father I adored. And a home filled with music. My father was the rising sun and the shooting stars. One of the earliest memories I had of him was a heated conversation between my father and a man I didn't know, speaking words I couldn't understand. When they caught me listening, the man had frightened me, and my father made him disappear. He was more than a superhero in my eyes; he was a deity, larger than life and death.

He was my world.

And then one day… he wasn't.

The day the officer came to my door, he ripped that reality from my tiny hands. The corners of my mouth had trembled as my mother stared at me through vacant, weepy eyes. “Your father is gone, Lorelei. And he will never be coming back,” she'd said.

Without understanding why, I knew even then that she blamed me. Shortly after, Gran came to collect me and my belongings and moved us to her cottage by the water. She'd said it was to save her from loneliness, but I knew it was to save me from my mother. My mother, who'd buried herself in her career and refused to spend any time with me, because my eyes were a constant reminder of what had been taken from us.

I lost more than my father that day.

I lost my family. For as long as I can remember, I wanted it back, more than anything.

Now? I just wanted him to pay.

I turned from the window of the small cabin Zanthiel had found for us to stay in. The ceremony in Mythlandria would be held this evening, and while it was customary for nobles to stay at court, I didn't want to spend any more time in the Citadel than necessary.

Zanthiel watched me pace like a wild animal, not sure what to say, if anything, given my mood. Finally I stopped and turned toward him.

He braced himself.

“You can relax. I'm not going to do anything.”

He didn't look convinced. “You're not angry?”

“Not anymore.”

“Then why are you looking at me like you want to launch a full body assault right now?”

“Hmmm. Interesting proposition. Let me give it some thought.” Actually, an attack was exactly what I felt like doing, and it was just what he deserved after everything he'd done to keep me from Adrius. But this was about more than that now. He was here trying to help me, or so he claimed. My shoulders slumped. “No. No attack. You're safe here with me.” I narrowed my gaze. “For now.”

“You don't frighten me, Lorelei. I would just prefer to know in advance if this is going to get ugly.” He handed me a steaming lemon tea in a broken coconut shell.

I exhaled a long sigh. “Zanthiel, I don't see where discussing any of this is going to get us. Let's just drop it okay? I took a shot. It blew up in my face. I'll deal.” I tugged off my mud-covered boots and tossed them on the floor. “Your mother will no doubt have some of her charming flesh-eating minions after me by morning. I'm tired and I'm going to bed.” Her condition was if I could receive all three crowns of Faery, she would let me live. So far I only had two.

The fight had drained out of me. I didn't even have the energy to spark a verbal sparring match. Something Zanthiel brought out in me in any state. But this was different. I'd already lost. The one thing I was betting on, my father's help, was a bust. My next move? No idea. I was trapped here like the proverbial sitting duck. And any move I made only made things worse. Either I would die, or people I cared about would die. Or, most likely, both.

I was cold and dirty and desperately in need of a bath to wash away the stench of yet another horrific day in the Shadowlands. We'd been gone from the Winter Court for days with no sign of civilization, or what passed for it in this realm. All of it was taking its toll on me. I stepped out into the buttery yellow sunlight. At least Mythlandria was warm. I'd forgotten what that felt like. Cold had been a part of me for far too long. I turned my face up to the sun, letting the heat penetrate my skin and bring life back to my veins.

The door opened and Zanthiel stepped out, wearing a cautious expression.

“Before you snap my head off again, I have something to tell you. I've arranged a meeting.” He handed me a metal cup filled with hot tea.

I smelled it and pulled a face. “With who?” I replied, feeling extra wary of anything he'd arranged personally.

“Your father.”

I set the cup down. “My what?”

“You heard me. Why do you pretend you didn't?” He was back to his usual annoyed and annoying self.

“Sorry. It's just… why would you do that? Remember when he tried to kill us yesterday?”

“I remember. He has also agreed to discuss giving you his crown.”

I'd been fighting to find him for so long that I hadn't given much thought to what finding him actually meant. My father. The man who'd given me life and then disappeared from it. Meeting him again for the first time in over 15 years had turned out to be more painful than losing him the first time. Part of me began to ache. With loss, with joy, with relief. One thing had finally gone our way. A tear welled up in the corner of my eye and rolled down my cheek. It caught us both by surprise.

Zanthiel straddled the crooked bench and faced me. “Lorelei. Do you realize you are crying?”

Half-laughing, I covered my face with my hands as my laughter dissolved into tears. I sniffled pitifully. “I just really hate lemon tea,” I said through my hands, then lowered them when I realized how crazy I was acting.

He cupped my face between his palms and used both thumbs to wipe the tears from my cheeks. His lips pulled into a tight line. “I don't like to see you cry.”

He sounded so genuine, so real. I wanted to turn away, but I couldn't. He was holding my face and I couldn't look away. It was disorienting being like this with him, the cold of his touch seeping into my skin. Everything tingled, then went comfortably numb. I breathed in the cold and the lemon and the herbs and let them soothe me as he pulled his hands away.

“But how did you get to him? How did you get him to agree?” I could barely get the words out without choking back another sob.

“I just required a different kind of deal. Nothing you need concern yourself with.”

I looked up at him through watery eyes and smiled. “Thank you.“

“You don't need to thank me.”

“Yes.” I shifted so my whole body faced him. “Yes I do. You did this for me. You've given up so much to help me. And I don't know how to thank you.”

His silvery eyes glinted in the morning light. Waves of thyme scented cold wafted from him, covering my skin in tiny bumps. I shivered and moved closer to the source of my chill.

Zanthiel tensed. His hand pressed into my back, squeezing me into his chest. He was breathing heavily and as my breath matched his, I had to try not to hyperventilate.

“It's my sworn oath to protect you, Lorelei,” he murmured.

Was there anything not sexy about him? The way he spoke, the way he held me, the way he smelled… it wasn't fair. I could feel myself getting dizzier the longer I was in his embrace. But instead of letting go, I held on tighter.

 

 

For a moment I didn't think he'd hug me back, but his strong arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer to him. We stayed like that, wrapped in a tight embrace, for a long time. I have no idea how much time had passed. He pulled back a little and gazed down into my eyes. All I could feel was the cold fire burning inside of me. The one he'd ignited. It really wasn't fair that he was so incredibly good looking. I took a sharp breath as his head lowered, his mouth now barely an inch from mine. Something inside of me wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to pull him to me and never let go. But it felt as foreign as it did familiar, and so I stayed there, aware of the rapid shallow breaths lifting my chest.

Then he leaned in closer. His lips grazed my ear as his cold breath caressed my neck. “You're welcome,” he said and pulled away, letting his hands slide down my arms. He released me and I wanted to protest, but couldn't. My head felt fuzzy. Was this real? In that moment I wanted him here and no one else. It felt pretty darn real. Cupping my face in his hands, he stared into my eyes. “I won't kiss you again, Lorelei. Not until you are certain it's what you want.”

And then he released me and strode outside to the bathing room. A second later I heard running water and saw steam rising from the log tub.

“Your bath, my queen,” he said, straight-faced.

My heart faltered a second before I regained a sense of where I was and who I was with.

“That's perfect, really. Just what I needed.” I moved quickly past him and drew the vine woven curtain.

“Try not to fall in, because I will come in and save you,” he said from behind the thin wall of sticks separating us.

I laughed, but knew he was totally serious. Saving me from myself. That was what he'd been doing a lot of lately.

****

I picked up the garnet jewel with both hands. “This thing is massive. You actually plucked it from a serpent's eye?” Just the idea was disgusting.

Zanthiel turned and hollered, “Lorelei, no!”

I dropped the stone as a thin green snake slithered from it. It coiled around my angle and snapped back, pulling me with it.

I screamed.

Zanthiel reached for me, grabbing hold of my arms. I kicked my legs wildly until finally with a yank I broke free. Zanthiel fell backwards, with me landing on top of him.

“Falling for me again,” he said, his mouth painfully close to mine, the cool of his breath coating my lips.

My heart pounded against his chest as I inhaled his herbal scent. Running my tongue over my lower lip I tried to slow my breath. “Guess so.”

He shook his head just barely. “Even the serpent's eye is protected from a woman's touch.”

“How biblical. You know, Garden of Eden…” My voice trailed off. “Thank you, Zanthiel. For saving me. Again. Always. For coming here. For helping me. For ticking off your mother to be with me.” I shifted and felt him shift beneath me at the same time.

He stared intently into my eyes. “You are welcome. I will always save you. I will always be there for you. You don't need to thank me.”

“Yes, I do.”

He lifted his head and it was painfully obvious that if I lowered mine even infinitesimally, we'd be touching. Kissing. I stayed where I was, frozen in place. A cool breeze wafted between us, and I took another breath, then pushed away from him with my hands without another thought.

“We have to get to Mythlandria before nightfall,” I said, turning to hide the color in my face.

Part of me had feelings for Zanthiel. I knew that. But until I was certain about Adrius, I couldn't let things go any further. It wasn't fair to him or to me. “Uh, I think it's that way.” I pointed at the door while he still lay on the ground watching me with the same molten look in his steely gaze.

Zanthiel blew out a cool breath and sprang lithely to his feet.

“We will. First, come with me, there's something I want to show you.”

We wandered outside, across the cracked frozen grounds. He pushed open a high gate. Inside was a garden like none other. Tiny orbs of glowing lights danced around us, filling the night with magic. A winding staircase overrun with flowering vines twisted up into the rafters. “It's beautiful.” I twirled slowly in place to take it all in. “What is this place?”

“It's a love garden. Meant to inspire the fealty of those who enter.”

My gaze swung back to his.

“Don't worry,” he added. “It's harmless to those who are fey blood. It's a place my mother created, to win the love of the man she adored. But he chose a mortal woman to be with. And since then she's been bitter, hating everything to do with mortals, and love, and men.”

“Ah.” That explained a lot. Nothing hardened the soul like love lost.

“Look, over there. Do you recognize that plant?”

I followed the direction he was pointing to see flowers like the heads of large tulips, their blooms closed up tight. “Um, what am I looking at?”

“Wait for but a moment.”

I watched and sucked in a breath as the blossoms sprang open, their centers radiating with glowing filaments, each a different color and hue. Then, almost with a silent sneeze, they blew microscopic sprays of glitter into the air. “That's amazing. I can't believe this place exists in a place like the Shadow Courts. It seems so… dead here. Completely devoid of anything resembling love.”

“It is. But it wasn't always,” he said, a far-off look hardening his features.

“My mother once gave me a pet. A wolf. Meant to accompany me when I went hunting. She told me to train it to be ruthless, cunning, a fighter. She wanted me to make it like her. She wanted me to teach it to destroy. Instead I taught it compassion. To love. I played with it. Taught it games and how to bring back objects. The wolf became my friend. My guardian. I loved that animal and it me.” His gaze snapped back to the present and his jaw tightened. “Which is why my mother, pragmatist that she is, cut off its head the day she found it sleeping next to me in my bed. I understood that day how dangerous it was to love anything.”

I blinked in recoil, scanning his face for signs of emotion. What I found had nothing to do with his long lost pet. The longing inside him was palpable, pulsing from his heart into mine, reminding me exactly where his love resided. And then it was gone, the sensation replaced by his cool detached self.

I climbed down a step and lost my footing, slipping down two more before Zanthiel caught me on the last step. His cool arms around my waist, he held me, our bodies pressed together for the second time that day. I was hyper aware of the air rushing in and out of my lungs, yet I couldn't tell if I was breathing dangerously fast or terrifyingly slow. His lips moved closer to mine.

“I said I would never again kiss you until I was certain that you wanted me too,” he murmured.

“And are you certain?” I whispered. My eyes fluttered closed as I waited. When nothing happened, I opened them.

He was studying me with a mix of emotions on his face. His gaze dropped to my lips and he frowned. “I don't know,” he said, then he took my hand. We climbed down the last step and, once again, fate lurched me into his arms via my uncoordinated feet. It had to be the faerie shoes.

This time, when his arms snaked around me, he didn't stop. He pulled me into him, pausing only a brief second before pressing his lips to mine. Before the cold had a chance to spread through me, he'd pulled away. I stood breathless and confused. How could something that felt so good be so wrong?

But it was. Zanthiel and I… we were wrong all over the place.

I trailed my hand over a blossom as we made our way back to the gate. A sharp sting bit into my finger. I looked down to see a bead of blood on the tip. “Thought you said the love garden was completely harmless.” I held up my finger before popping it in my mouth.

“Not completely harmless.” Zanthiel took my hand and pressed my finger to his lips. “Love makes you vulnerable and weak,” he said. “My mother told me I'd destroyed the animal already and she was merely putting it out of its misery. I learned a great lesson that day. It's a dangerous thing, giving your heart away. I vowed never to make that mistake again.”

I shook my head sadly. His mother was a cruel, spiteful woman. Of course she believed love made you weak; she'd never experienced the good it could bring. “How can falling in love ever be a mistake?” I said, lifting my gaze to his.

He frowned, but his eyes softened. “How can it be anything but?”

I wanted to argue, but he was right on so many levels. I felt broken inside because of falling in love.

He led me out of the garden, just as a gentle snow began to fall. Before long, howling winds kicked up and numbed my face.

Zanthiel turned to me suddenly and held both of my shoulders. “When will you see yourself for who you really are? You are the girl who inspires people to think for themselves, to speak their truth, to discover their passion and pursue it, no matter the cost. You are not now, nor have you ever been, broken.” His grip tightened. “You live fearlessly in spite of your many fears, and you will leave your world and mine for the better, just for having been in it.”

I blinked, unsure what to say to that. They were beautiful words, but I was momentarily gripped by two thoughts. First, what if he was wrong? And the second, more terrifying than the first… what if he was right? I tilted my head back to look at him more closely. “I don't know if I can live up to that girl, Zanthiel. I've never been her. And I may never become her.” I folded my arms in front of me. Part of me wanted to believe what he was saying, but I was resistant to. As if letting it in meant owning it and then proving it.

He shook his head as he released me, but my body stayed frozen in place.

“You're wrong. I've known this truth since the moment I laid eyes upon you. Stop listening to that voice in your head insisting that you're not good enough. Stop worrying that you're going to fail and let people down. And stop letting others draw boundaries and limits around your life. Start living the life you truly want on your own terms. This day.”

His hand held my chin and he forced me to meet his gaze. “You are a magical being of magnitude, with powers beyond measure, Lorelei. You can have it all exactly the way you've imagined. Just get clear and brutally honest about what—and who—it is you want.”

This time when his hand fell away, I staggered back a step. Had I not been brutally honest with him? With myself? Or had I spent my entire time in this realm on a rescue mission for someone whose heart no longer belonged to me?

“I wanted to say that to you, before I presented you with this.”

He stretched out his hands. I looked down at the blinding jewel-encrusted crown, laden with emeralds, sapphires, amber and some blazing stones I'd never seen before.

My gaze shot back to his. “Is that what I think it is?”

“If you think it is your father's crown, then the answer is yes.”

“But how, when?”

“He gave it to me before he released us. I told you your father was concerned for your safety. You should have believed me.”

I sucked in a deep breath, staring at the golden branches forming the base of the crown. “So that means—”

“Your life will be spared in the eyes of those who matter, and we can now be wed.”