Bittersweet (27 page)

The phone rang.

“I have to answer that.”

I left the office and went to the locker room. What the hell did Dallas do at that party? I clocked in a bit early and headed into the park, hoping to meet him. He was nowhere to be seen.

Angelica sent me to entrance person, which sucked because it was an isolated position. I couldn’t talk to anyone. From there I was sent to exit loader. Becca grinned at me like she had some secret, but she didn’t say anything. Again, I was away from everyone.

An hour later, I was standing in the Fast Lane and Becca was doing entrance loader. She looked at me and smiled. The skin around her eye was black and blue. I briefly wondered what happened, but focused on my own problems instead. Something had happened at the party last night. Becca would tell me, especially if she thought it would hurt me.

I waited for her to come back from loading.

“What happened last night?” I asked.

She grinned slyly at me. “I’ve no idea what you are talking about.”

“Come on, I know Dallas did something stupid but I don’t know what it is.”

“Oh, it wasn’t stupid.”

She waited until just before she had to go load the next train.

“We made love last night.”

The words hit me like a ton of bricks.

She was lying, she had to be.

As soon as she was back, I grilled her.

“I think I misheard you. Did you say you’d slept with Dallas?”

“I did.” She sighed and a dreamy smile spread on her lips. “He was wonderful, course you already know that. I can see why you tried to keep him all to yourself.”

“No, I don’t know that, thankyouverymuch.”

“You mean you two haven’t slept together? No wonder he was so damn eager.”

She swung the gate open and danced out to the next train.

I retreated to the corner so that I didn’t have to talk to her. Every once in a while she’d look back at me and grin. Was she lying? Dallas said he had something to tell me. Julia said he did something stupid at the party. But sex? Would he really betray me like that?

I was starting to feel numb. I wondered if I wanted to succumb or allow myself to feel pain. I didn’t want pain. But the thought of going back to numbness… I shuddered.

Deep breath. I wouldn’t assume anything until I talked to him.

When Angelica came to relieve me and send me to lunch she smiled sympathetically.

“You found out, huh?”

“How could you tell?”

“You face is scrunched up like you just smelled shit. We are all pretty pissed at Becca, she totally took advantage of the fact that Dallas was drunk.”

“Drunk or not, he knew better.”

She cocked her head. “Did he? I heard him yell, ‘holy shit, you’re not Savannah!’ just before he stormed out of the bedroom half naked. I think he thought she was you. Sweetie, he is so hot.” She waved her hand in front of her face.

How could he not tell the difference between Becca and me? What an asshole.

I didn’t say anything. I just turned around and ran down the stairs toward the cedar gates. I would not assume anything until I heard it straight from Dallas’s lips. He could lie all he wanted and I was going to believe him. I needed this to not be true.

I pounded on the office door. Julia opened and beckoned me in.

She looked at her watch. “He should be back in about fifteen.”

“I’ll wait.”

She fiddled with her headset and avoided my eyes.

“Who’d you talk to?”

“Becca and Angelica.”

She shook her head.

“Yeah, they enjoyed everything last night way too much. After Dallas left, Becca and I got into it. I couldn’t believe she did that to you. You know, Angelica told Dallas you had a surprise for him, and then she blindfolded him and had him wait in one of the bedrooms. My guess is Becca never uttered a word. He thought it was you.”

“Right, so he can’t even tell that he’s kissing someone else. I’m not buying that.”

“He was wasted.”

I crossed my arms.

“That’s no excuse.”

She shrugged and answered a call.

“What do you mean you and Becca got into it?” I asked when she hung up.

Julia held up her arm. It was covered with red streaks. “That girl’s got claws.”

I grinned. “But you’ve got a mean left hook, right?”

“Her nose exploded with blood. That was the end of our fight.” She fiddled with her headset for a second. “I’m sorry about what Dallas did. I hope you two make it through this.”

I stewed in the office my entire break and he never returned. Finally I had to go clock back in.

Dallas rushed up to me just before I punched in.

“Savannah, finally. I’m so sorry. It was such a stupid mistake. I need to explain what happened last night.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“I have to go back to work, but you can answer one question. I talked to Becca. Is what she said true?”

“I didn’t know you talked to her already.”

“Is. It. True?”

Slowly, he nodded.

“We are done,” I said, and stormed away.

I
SLID MY CARD IN THE
clock and rushed away. I didn’t look back.

The pain ate at my insides like a giant centipede gnawing on a rotten piece of fruit. I was physically ill and I didn’t know how I would get through the rest of the night. Was this how my dad felt in his last few days? Physical pain from emotional wounds? Did he feel like this all the time? No wonder he jumped.

After closing Cyclops with a very grumpy Jeff, I slowly made my way back to the front of the park. I didn’t want to go home and face my empty bed. I felt the need to do something stupid and reckless.

Paris appeared right in front of me. He looked sympathetic.

“How are you?”

“Oh spare me, why is everyone all ‘poor Savannah?’ I’m fine.” I rolled my eyes to reinforce the idea that nothing was wrong.

“So you forgave him?”

“We broke up.”

He reached for me. At first I thought it was just for a hug, to comfort me, but then his lips were on mine and without thinking, I kissed him back.

His kisses were different from Dallas’s, more playful and fun. He pulled back and grinned.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to do that? We’re nearly alone in the park, let’s go find a more secluded place.”

I was reminded of the night Dallas and I ran around the park together. Paris took me to the back of the park, toward the Bloody Rapids. It was the one place in the park where you felt like you were in the middle of a forest. It was beautiful but a bit creepy at times.

Paris didn’t talk much. I was quite aware that this wasn’t relationship-building time and that he had no intentions for anything past this night. I was also aware that I was angry, and hurt, and this was so freakin’ cliché, but I didn’t care. I just wanted the pain to go away and when Paris kissed me, it did. For just a second, but that was worth it.

We found a patch of grass where we were hidden by the trees. He kissed me again, this time his hand expertly went up my shirt. Seconds later, his hand headed south and my brain suddenly turned on.

What was I doing?

“Stop,” I said.

Paris pulled away, but only a few inches. “Aw, come on, we can’t stop now.”

I scooted out from underneath him. The déjà vu was haunting. “Yes, we can. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

Paris scrambled to his feet. “No wonder Dallas cheated on you. I would too, if you pull this kind of shit.” He stormed away.

I was disgusted with myself. Less than twelve hours since finding out my boyfriend cheated and I was making out with his brother. It was time to go home and sleep. Hopefully in the morning I would find that this was all just a horrible nightmare.

Grant was my ride home so I walked into the office building. I came around the corner and heard voices. Dallas. He was the last person I wanted to see, so I hid behind the secretary’s desk.

“I still don’t see how that will help anything,” Grant said. “I thought about telling her last night, but I’m not sure how much more she can take.”

“She needs to know.” This was Dallas.

Who was Grant keeping a secret from? Me?

I almost made my presence known at that point. I didn’t think I could handle any more bombs today. If I could erase the last twenty-four hours of my life, I would do it without hesitation.

Grant spoke again.

“The thing is, we’ve never had a relationship before and she’s come to trust me. If I tell her now, it could ruin everything.”

“If you don’t tell her now and keep this up, it will just make things more difficult in the long run. She thinks those emails are from her dead father.”

My dead father. The emails.

“But what’s the harm in letting her think they are from him?”

“Because you are not her father.”

I crept out from under the desk. I couldn’t listen any more. I went back into the park because I had nowhere else to go, and before I knew it I was climbing up the stairs at The Demon Drop. I slumped down next to the control booth and looked over the tracks.

My dad didn’t keep his promises. He didn’t send me those emails. Grant pretended to be him. But why would he pretend something like that? Why would he betray me? It was so hurtful.

I had thought life was getting better, that there was some good in the world, something to hope for. But nothing was good. People betrayed you and left you hurting. Oh, I longed for the numbness. The pain was too much. I needed something to drive it away. But what was more powerful than pain?

Fear.

The tracks called to me. I climbed over the gate and onto the tracks, then headed up, up, up the lift. I needed fear, because I couldn’t stand pain any longer.

Halfway up and still no fear. Is this what pain did, drive away fear? Pain seemed to want to take over everything.

How did I go numb before, and why couldn’t I do it again?

I looked down and waited for myself to freeze with panic, but it didn’t come. Farther up I went. All the way to the top.

I looked down again. It was a long way. If I fell, it would hurt. I might even die.

It wasn’t even half as tall as the ride my dad jumped from, but it still might work. Death would most certainly take away my pain. The wind picked up and the coaster swayed a little bit. I gripped the rail. My watch, that Dallas got me, caught on a nail that was sticking out. Stupid watch.

How could Dallas do this to me? He’d become so much more than just a boyfriend. He was my best friend and confidant. As stupid as it sounded, I’d really thought he was the real deal, that we’d have a happily ever after.

Now he was nothing to me. I took off the watch and threw it down to the ground. I couldn’t hear the
thunk
when it landed, but I hoped it shattered. It was really a long way down.

Who did I have left? My mother? She hated me at the moment. Grant was just as deceitful as Dallas. I had no friends left. Is this how my father felt when he unbuckled that belt?

I took a step forward, put my hands in front of me, and wondered if I had the same guts as my dad. Could I jump, end it all and never be in pain again? I spied the tat on my wrist and remembered why I got it. To remind myself to never put anyone through what he put me through.

Despite our arguing, my mother still loved me. Dave probably did, too. And Grant. Dallas? Maybe. Teddy? For sure. How would he feel if he grew up knowing his sister left this earth on purpose? I pictured his sweet smile and blond curls. My insides warmed. Teddy still loved me and needed me. Suddenly my brain cleared.

What was I thinking?

It was then that I realized I was standing on the edge of a roller coaster. A hundred feet up. If I fell, I could die. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live and be a good big sister, go to college and help stupid kids like me who got hurt and thought there was no other option.