Bittersweet (25 page)

I nodded. My mother. She and I hadn’t spoken at all since I’d left, though Teddy hijacked her phone a couple of times and jabbered in my ear. The more I thought about Albert Lea and the future, the more I wanted to stay here. I’d almost saved up enough money to go to Europe. If I lived at home, there was always the possibility she wouldn’t let me go, being my mom and all. Especially considering that Dallas was probably coming with me.

Mom arrived early Saturday morning. They must’ve left at five.

Teddy ran up to me right away and threw his chubby little arms around me.

“I missed you, Vanny.”

“I missed you, too.”

He didn’t let go of me and I had to hug my mother awkwardly. I gave Dave a smile and a nod. I was on my absolute best behavior.

We sat in the living room, Teddy fiddling with my watch.

“Your hair looks good,” Mom said. Of course it was the first thing she noticed. My hair had grown long enough to look like a pixie cut and I could style it. Dallas kept telling me to take a razor to it again, but truthfully, I hated having no hair. I’d never admit that to my mother though.

“Thanks. How’s your summer been?”

“Quiet. We miss you and can’t wait for you to come home. Grant tells me you are going to work up until the very last minute. But you can come home anytime you want. We were kind of hoping maybe we could talk you into coming home with us this weekend.”

My head jerked up.

“Why?”

“We miss you. That’s all.”

An awkward silence filled the room.

“Can I have some juice?” asked Teddy.

“Of course.”

I poured a glass of apple juice and put a handful of crackers in front of him. I didn’t realize how much I missed him.

Mom came into the kitchen.

“I hear you have a new boyfriend.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“Candie.”

Damn. I handed Teddy another cracker.

“Yeah, his name is Dallas.”

“She tells me he’s very good looking and a little too old for you.”

“He is good looking but he’s not too old. He’s only twenty-two.”

“But you’re still in high school.” If I’d graduated on time Dallas’s age wouldn’t even be an issue.

“Maybe you need to meet him.”

“That would be nice.”

The subject changed to the goings-on in Albert Lea. I texted Dallas and asked him to meet us for dinner. He replied that he’d be delighted. I wasn’t so sure of that.

Dallas and Grant met us at Bubba Gump’s in the mall at five. Dallas wore a polo shirt and jeans, which looked nice but made him look older. That wouldn’t help assure my mother that he wasn’t too old for me.

He shook hands with Dave and then sat down right next to Teddy.

“What’s your name?” Dallas asked him.

“Teddy. Here, hold this.”

Teddy handed him three crayons and went back to his drawing.

The conversation was light and easy. Grant stayed quiet, but Dallas talked most of the night.

As dinner wound down, Dallas asked me to go on a quick walk. The restaurant was crowded and we had to push through a gaggle of girls before we escaped out into the mall. People still pressed in around us.

“You know, the party’s tonight,” he said. He had to lean close and speak directly in my ear. My hearing aid whistled a little.

“Yeah, but I won’t be able to go. If they are going to let me stay I need to show them that I give a damn. You should still go.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Go, have fun, don’t get too drunk. I’ll see you tomorrow. With any luck, I’ll have secured my mother’s blessing for next year.”

He nodded.

“Okay. Good luck.”

He leaned down and gave me a quick kiss. I watched him until he disappeared around a corner. It was now or never. I took a deep breath.

“He’s a nice young man,” my mother said as I sat down.

I smiled and nodded.

Teddy looked up from the picture he was drawing.

“Where Dallas go?”

“He had to go home. Maybe we’ll see him tomorrow.”

I looked over at Grant to see if it was a good time to bring up the dreaded subject. He nodded. I barely opened my mouth to ask the question, but my mother spoke up before I could get even a word out.

“We really did have a purpose in coming this weekend.”

“Okay.”

“We want you to come home with us. Tomorrow.”

“Mom, I’m not ready for that. Plus, I made commitments that I have to keep.”

She stiffened and creased her mouth.

“You’ve obviously matured this summer so perhaps you will understand why I’m asking you to come home. Candie has quit. I have no babysitter and I can’t afford to stay home. I need you back. Teddy needs you.”

“What do you mean, Candie quit?”

Mom exchanged a glance with Dave.

“She didn’t exactly quit. She’s in the hospital.”

“What?”

Mom sighed.

“We didn’t want to tell you. Candie’s mom only told us because Candie babysat for us.”

“Is she okay?” I was still mad and really had no intention of speaking with Candie again, but I didn’t wish her a trip to the hospital.

Mom shrugged.

“I’m not sure. They sent her to a hospital up here. Some place called Catalyst Health Center.”

I closed my eyes for a second. They only sent people to Catalyst for one reason. I knew because I had researched facilities when I wondered if I would meet the same death as my dad. Would everyone I knew die the same way? Grant gave me a look. He knew too. There was pity in his eyes. I didn’t want his pity.

“I’m sorry mom, I need to go see Candie. Grant, will you take me to see her?”

He nodded and fished around in his pocket for a key, which he handed to my mom.

“Here are the keys to the apartment, it’s a five minute walk. Though, it’s a little boring over there, you might want to take Teddy on a few rides. I can get you a free pass for him, if you want.”

Mom looked like she wanted to argue, but she nodded. We walked down to the rides and Grant got passes for all of them. It was nice that he knew the general manager. They exchanged comp tickets all the time.

Before we left, I kissed my mom on the cheek, gave Teddy a big squeeze, and patted Dave on the shoulder. When things like this happened, I was reminded to appreciate the people I loved, even if I didn’t always like them.

Mom grabbed my arm just before we walked out the door. “Think about what I said. We need you to come home.”

I nodded, to show I understood.

Grant didn’t say much in the car and neither did I.

“You want me to come in?” he asked when we pulled into the parking lot.

“No, do you mind waiting for me though?”

“Sure.”

I approached the doors and wondered for a second if I’d made the right decision. Maybe she wouldn’t even see me. But I had to right this one, since I couldn’t make things right with my dad.

I asked for Candie at the front desk. They made me empty out my pockets and I walked through a metal detector. Then I put my shoes in a bin and was escorted to her room. Quite frankly, I was surprised that they let me see her, but the nurse explained that they encourage visitors since suicide attempters need to know their friends and family still care about them.

I didn’t know if I’d still call myself her friend. Especially after I learned what she had done to Dallas. But this couldn’t be ignored.

I rubbed my head. This was complicated.

Candie was sitting in a recliner, reading a book. I slipped through the door and closed it behind me.

“If I could feel anything right now, I’d be pretty pissed to see you,” she barely looked up from her book.

I sat in a hard chair across from her.

“They got you pretty doped up, huh?”

“I guess. You know, I don’t really want to see you right now. Why don’t you just leave?”

“I don’t want to leave. I want to talk to you. What’d you do?”

She sniffed, dog-eared her book, and set it down.

“I swallowed a bottle of Vicodin.”

“Where’d you find that?”

“Zane’s mom has chronic pain. He’s pretty angry at me for stealing it. He broke up with me yesterday.”

“I’m sorry.”

She snorted. “No, you’re not. You think I deserve it for sleeping with him while you two were together.”

“Well, you’re right. I’m not sorry you broke up—he was an ass—but I am sorry he hurt you.”

“Whatever.”

She rolled her eyes, opened her book again, and completely ignored me.

I wasn’t one to reflect on why things happened, but in that moment I did. I wondered if I’d experienced some of those things with my dad so that I would be able to help Candie through this now. Was this God’s or Karma’s way of putting purpose into my misery?

I watched her as she read. She looked horrible. Her black and pink hair was stringy and she wore no makeup. Her baby blue eyes darted across the page. She slammed the book shut and I jumped.

“I’m so fucked up.”

I shrugged. “We all are.”

“No, you don’t get it. As close as we were, you and I never really talked about boys much. Mostly because
you
made it so plainly clear that you disapproved. Do you know how hard it is to have a best friend who judges you like that? I couldn’t tell you anything.”

Ouch.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t willing to listen then, but I am now. I promise, no judging.”

“Right.” She tapped her foot on the floor and crossed her arms. “Maybe you should go now.”

“No, I don’t think I’m ready to.”

She fiddled with the edge of her shirt.

“You know, for the last few years I’ve blamed Dallas for what he did to me. But now I think I should be blaming someone else.”

I didn’t tell her that she should really own up to her own behavior. Maybe this was progress. Again, I waited. It felt so familiar, I almost expected to see my dad sitting across from me.

“Two years before I met Dallas, my dad left my mom and me. Disappeared. The last fight was a big one and I heard the whole thing. He screamed at mom, ‘If you fucked me, I wouldn’t have to find others.’ From that day on, I gave boys whatever they wanted so they wouldn’t leave me. But most of them did anyway. They weren’t looking for a relationship, they just wanted sex. Zane was probably my first real boyfriend in two years.”

I gave her a fake grin. “He left me for the same reason your Dad left your mom.”

She looked down at her lap. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Better things happened because of it. I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch.”

She laughed.

“I stole your boyfriend and you are apologizing for being a bitch? If you’d done that to me and ended up in the hospital, I wouldn’t be sitting across from you.”

“Yes, you would. Do you remember when my dad died? You spent your entire summer sitting on my bedroom floor. You didn’t have to do that.”

She rubbed the bridge of her nose and then twirled her hair.

“Do you remember, two weeks after he died you helped me go through my closet, makeup, and nail polish, and burn anything that had any red in it?

She grinned. “Yeah, I do. A week later, while you were sleeping, I found a red sock under your bed. I took it home and threw it away so you didn’t have to see it. Why did we do that, anyway? You never told me.”

“Red was Dad’s favorite color. I still don’t wear it.”

She nodded and looked out the window.

“Can we talk about Dallas?” I asked. This was the trick to us being friends. I wasn’t willing to give up Dallas for her.

She rolled her eyes. “What about him?”

“He’s my boyfriend and you are my best friend. I’m not sure how to reconcile that.”

“I don’t know what to tell you.” She stared at me as if I was supposed to magically come up with a solution.