Bittersweet Deceit (25 page)

Dear Stayman,

Once again you’ve managed to rescue me
from a horrible situation, and made it so much easier on me. Unfortunately I can’t just throw Mason up and feel better. Oh if only I could.

My time with you today
... there’s so much to say. You are an incredible friend and lover. In the short time we played I enjoyed three entirely new experiences, which still have my head spinning.

I’m not sneaking out to get away as much as I couldn’t relax and sleep with all the turmoil still running through me. The respite you offered me will never be forgotten. Never.

I’m not sure where we go from here. I’m heartbroken, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you in the process because you don’t deserve that. I need time. I hope you understand.

With deepest affection,

OCDC

Using the powder room by the front door, I tied my messy hair into a knot. I wouldn’t normally be caught dead in public in the state I was in, but there wasn’t any other option. I slipped on my Keds, petted Rusty goodbye, and left. Outside the building, I called a cab and waited.

I
managed not to cry on my way to my car. It seemed that grief not only surfaced for Mason, but also for Stay. As much as I enjoyed his company and sex, I couldn’t be his girlfriend. It could take months for me to find myself in the rubble that my heart had become.

As I climbed
the steps to my apartment, the last ounce of energy drained out of me. In front of my door sat flowers and an envelope. It only made my stomach broil more. The arrangement had pink roses and Gerber daisies.
Pink?
Knowing Mason, it had some significance. I left the flowers outside and took the card in with me.

Ridding myself of Stay’s clothes, I then cleanse
d myself of his smell in the shower. Not that it was unpleasant in the least. Our smells had melded together in an intensely pleasurable way, but I didn’t want be reminded of it.

In boy shorts and a T-shirt I sat on the balcony with a cigarette and Mason’s card.
It was still warm that evening, and I fanned myself with the envelope contemplating its contents. The man had a way with words so I imagined it would be an impassioned plea for forgiveness.

As much as I reveled in Stay’s attention and affection, it further complicated matters. Sitting there
, lighting a second cigarette, I felt selfish in regard to Stay. Whether I wanted to face it or not, Stay had strong feelings for me and I let our relationship to go to the next level, even though I wasn’t available to live in it with him.
I’m sorry, Stay,
I thought.

When my tears fell, they were solely for Stayman.

I tamped out the cigarette and opened the envelope.

Dearest Lainie, the love of my life,

In every way I have mishandled our love. How could
have I explained to you that things got better between Victoria and I, and not lose you in the process. If I could do this lifetime over, I’d wait until the night we met in GG’s Waterfront Bar and Grill. But we both know I can’t go back.

You must feel betrayed and lied to
, but please, baby, I’ve never lied to you, ever. It was true when we met that my marriage was in horrendous condition. I had little hope of finding resolution, but we both committed, for the sake of the children, to get counseling together. It helped us a lot. The relationship still isn’t ideal but we are making it work.

For me, our time together is separate from the rest of my life.
It’s as if I live in two separate worlds. When I’m with you, it rejuvenates my soul and I can’t live without it. If you make me choose, I will choose you, but I hope it doesn’t come to that.

“Bullshit,” I yelled. “What a load of crap!”
He knows I would never take him away from his kids, and how would that even work?
He would be sad and depressed, and would take it out on me.
Fuck you for even suggesting it.
I continued reading.

Please, baby, don’t give up on us. I know I’m being selfish, but I can’t, I won’t, let you go. I know you mentioned Stayman just to hurt me and it worked. That boy isn’t worth your time. He will never love you the way I do: with all of my heart and soul. You are the only woman I have ever felt this way about. No other relationship felt close to what we have together.

What did we have? Sexual dalliances at his whim? I started to break down again, so I went back inside and plopped down on the bed. Resting my head on the pillow, holding the pages above me, I finished reading the letter.

I promise you, when the right MAN comes along I will give you my blessings and back away. It’s not the boy, and now is not the time. More than anything in the world I want you to be happy, and, for as long as that can be, I want to be the one to make you happy. Please, baby, I’m begging you, let me back in to fix what I broke.

I love you so much
, and I’m so sorry you’re hurting. It hurts me to know I’m the cause.

Call me or text anytime. I waited as long as I could
outside your place before I had to leave for the airport. My flight will land at ten o’clock, your time.

You have my heart,

Mason

“Jesus fucking Christ!” I yelled, throwing the letter to the floor. I pulled my journal onto my lap and started to write:

Mother fucker, goddamn everyone to hell! How I had let myself float in euphoria for the days leading up to the stab into my jugular? It just shows how delusional I was. Stupid, girl, so fucking stupid. I guess my mother was right—for a smart woman, I make dumb-ass choices.

Maybe I should run away to Canada like I used to dream about as a kid. Sell the boutique and start over somewhere else. Of course it’
s just a fantasy. I never would have left my father alone with my mother back then, and I would never abandon him or my friends now. The need to flee is overwhelming. At least in Stay’s arms I didn’t feel like I was dying. I felt it now, like death loomed over me, following my each and every step.

I shot out of bed when the anxiety became too overwhelming.
How can I be this tensed up and tired at the same time?
I contemplated going for a walk or a swim, but instead crumbled on the couch in tears. The pain forced me under again, trapped in a tidal wave that wouldn’t let me up for air.

A loud knock on the door snapped me out of it.
Who the fuck?
I decided not to answer it.

“Lainie
, let me in,” Mason said. “Your car is in your spot. I changed my flight till later. Open the door.”

I didn’t say anything or move. My stomach clinched
, and the ocean of hurt held me down.

Then he pounded on the door repetitively
, and I didn’t want him to create a scene, drawing out the neighbors.

Through the door I said, “Give me a minute.”

In the bedroom I threw on a pair of jeans and then grabbed the pack of smokes and the lighter. Without checking my appearance, I slipped on my flip-flops by the door and opened it.

He started to push in and I said, “No, you can’t come in. We can go sit by the pool.”

Not saying anything, I trudged down the middle set of stairs and around the back to the pool area. I sat in a redwood Adirondack chair in front of a circular, white, plastic table. I pulled the ashtray toward me and lit a cigarette.

Mason
took the chair opposite from me. He was in a business suit I’d seen him in before. “You smoke? Since when?”

I shrugged not saying anything.

“I have an hour before I need to head back to the airport. I couldn’t leave before we had a chance to talk.”

“I guess I should have stayed over
at
the boy’s
place instead of coming home,” I said tapping the end of the cigarette in the ashtray.

“Please don’t do this.”

I took another drag on my cigarette and said, “Do what exactly? Be a fool? Lay my heart out to be trampled on? Tell you I love you? I’m in full agreement. I should never have done any of those things.”

“I don’t see why my relationship with Victoria should alter what we have?”

“Then you’re an idiot,” I said, blowing out the smoke.

“Excuse me
, Lainie, but that’s not okay.”

“I told you not to come by. I told you I didn’t want to see you. Did you listen?” I swept my hand toward him. “And there you sit. Don’t tell me how to fucking react or what the fuck to say. I’m
no longer your weeping willow waiting for the next drop of rain you might send my way. I can’t imagine what you want from me, what you expect from me? To pretend I didn’t see your sweet family at the
art show? Tell me how to do that? I will say this, the expression on your face when you got my message was priceless. I’ll hold on to that.” Anger felt oh-so much better than I the pain that was pulling me down like quicksand.

He ran his hand over his hair and said,
“What you saw was fear.”

“I
fucking bet it was. I have no doubt. ‘Is Lainie going to walk out of the shadows and rip apart my perfect life like I ripped apart her heart?’” I stared at the end of cigarette and tapped off the ash again.

“I never thought for one second you would do that. I was scared at first that something horrible had happened
, and then that you saw me.”

“You’
re lying even now,” I said, pointing at him. “I saw you looking around for me and then you decided against it.”

“If you say so. I was
—I am—so scared of losing you. I love you so—”

I sigh and said,
“Let’s not, okay? You have lost me. If you have read my texts then you know I made myself abundantly clear. As much as you seem to despise Stayman, he said that he thought you genuinely love me and won’t give up trying to get me back.”

“He’s right, I won’t.”
He leaned forward and placed his arms on his thighs. His posture reminded me of the night he and Stay met.

“
While I have you here,” I said, “I might as well get all the questions I never asked answered. I was always too scared to push you away. It’s freeing when you don’t give a shit anymore. Am I your first?”

“First what?”
he asked, cupping his forehead in his hand. When he raised his head, searching my face, his eyes filled with tears.

I felt no compassion.
“Really, you’re opting to play dumb. Here, I’ll spell it out for you: Am I your first affair?”

“
No, but I never fell in love with any of them.” He leaned back in the chair, knees out wide.

“Any of them? Great. How many?”
I tamped out my cigarette, breathing out heavily.

“Lainie, I don’t see—”

“Either answer my questions or leave for the airport.” I pulled another out of the pack.

“Five.”

That hit me straight in the gut like a sledge hammer. It took me a moment to catch my breath. “How long between me and the one before?”

“I broke it off when I met you.”

I blinked my eyes a few times in shock. “How soon after?”

“After the first time we made love.”

“Did you have sex with her one last time?”

“No. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.”

“Was she petite and beautiful like your wife?”

“Why does that matter?”

That would be a yes.
Tears eked out but they didn’t stop me. I lit the new cigarette and asked, “When did you start having sex with Victoria again?”

He didn’t need to
respond. His expression told me everything I needed to know.

At that moment I felt flattened as though a building had crashed down on my head, only it wasn’t my body that was destroyed, it was my soul.
Why did I have to know? I just did. I stood up and said, “I’d say it was a pleasure knowing you but in this moment it just feels like a big, fat waste of my time.” Droplets fell freely from my eyes, but at least I was still standing.

As I passed by him, he caught my hand. “Baby, please,” he pleaded
, his cheeks wet.

“Do not call me baby.
I’m not your baby, not ever again.”

“Lainie
, please don’t do anything rash. Take time and remember what we’re like together.”

I
glowered down at him. “What we were like? I was your beck and call girl, the latest in a long line of them. Don’t fret,” I said patting his cheek, “you’ll find someone soon, on this trip maybe, to take your mind off of me. And, Mason…”

“What?”

“Good riddance.” I stumbled up the middle steps and somehow made it back to my place.

A
fter my conversation with Mason, I fell apart again on the couch, only this time there was no sound. The damage I felt lived so deep it quaked through me, and the
rain from eyes poured like an intense summer storm. I had no idea how much time past, but another knock eventually sounded on the door, pulling me back to the surface. I tried to breathe normally but each breath came out in a shudder.

For a split second I thought maybe Mason came back for his stuff.
I’m such an idiot.
I should have shoved his stuff into his hands and made him leave, and forwent the heart-splitting revelations.

“OC, are you in there?”

Stay?
I
opened the door.

His arms hung at his sides, palms out. He didn’t step inside. “I got scared when I couldn’t reach you. I’m sorry to barge in when you need your space, but that feeling came back again.”

I pulled him to me and hugged him like my life depended on it.

“He came here,” Stay said as a statement.

I nodded.

“Have you eaten anything? Have you slept at all?”

I shook my head and the movement wouldn’t stop.

Behind me, he put his hands on my shoulders
, ushered me to my bed, and lay down with me.

Against his chest I wept as he held me close,
smoothing my hair and caressing my back. He remained silent until the wave of angst and regret subsided.

He dried my eyes with his handkerchief
, and it made me laugh. “So glad I can amuse you at a time like this,” he said.

“You’re lucky you caught me at my worst, it gives you more opportunities to use them.”

“Someday you’ll appreciate it,” he said, handing the hanky to me.

“Oh, I already do
.”

“Tell me
, Lainie, what I can do for you?” he asked, snuggling me close.

“You already are. Did you really feel it again?”

“Worse. I think it’s because we are even more connected now. I paced back and forth, hoping you would call me back or text. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to know you were okay.”

I touched his cheek.
“I’m sorry. I’m putting you through so much.”

“Oh, you’ve more than made up for it,” he said and winked.

I playfully punched his shoulder and laughed until I thought I might cry again. Using the handkerchief, I dabbed at my eyes. “I can’t cry anymore. I don’t think I could eat or sleep either.”

“How about this? I’ll run to the store and make my Granny’s famous chicken soup. If you can’t eat any of it, at least you can drink the broth. It
’ll warm your stomach.”

“Stay, you’ve done so much, too much already,” I said, searching his eyes.

“That’s for me to decide. I know how to take care of myself.” And in the kindest voice possible, he said, “Please let me manage my own heart? Okay?”

“Okay,” I said. “Today’s your lucky day. I’m too spent to fight you.”

“Good then let me call Sam to cover for you tomorrow.”

“Now you are pushing it, Stay. No.”
I crossed my arms.

“
You’re grieving. Go look in the mirror.”

I sat up and said,
“I don’t want to. I’ll start crying again and I can’t take anymore. I really can’t. You might find this unbelievable but until recently, I hardly ever cried.”

“No
, OC, I believe it. Listen, I’m going to run to the store. Make a list of what else you need.” He rose from the bed and held out his hand.

I let him pull me up.
“Ten boxes of tissues or a supply of handkerchiefs evidently. Are you the kind of guy who won’t pick up lady products?”

“What do you think?”
he asked, giving me a look out of the corner of his eyes.

“I don’t need any. Was just checking. Maybe an ice pad for my eyes,” I said seriously.

When we entered the kitchen, Stay checked the cabinets and refrigerator. “Please think about taking tomorrow off while I’m gone.”

“I’m going to see wha
t movies I can find on the tube.”

“Good idea.
Come give me a hug before I leave,” he said with his arms wide open.

In the comfort of his
embrace I lifted my mouth to his and initiated a kiss. Although calling it a kiss was like calling tyrannosaurus rex a small pet. His energy infiltrated mine, making me feel weightless and somehow reborn. Unfortunately, when he pulled away all my heartache was still with me.

“Smoking is bad for your health,” he said at the door.

“Oh, yeah, pick me up a pack of Natural American Spirit cigarettes, the yellow box please. And I insist on paying you back for all of it.”

“Don’t worry
, OCDC, you will and then some,” he said with his cheeky smile and a wink.

“What am I going to do with that boy?” I said, once alone again.
Not dwelling on it or the ache in my stomach, I awoke the screen on my phone and dialed Samantha.

“Hey
, Lane, what’s up?” she said, chipper as ever.

“Sorry to bother you on
a Sunday night, and for the last minute call—”

“Do you need me to open?”

“Only if it doesn’t mess things up for you or your mom,” I said, flipping on the TV and muting the sound.

“Nope, it should be doable. Will you be in later?”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure when. Sam?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you, I owe you.”

“You don’t
, and I love to be able to help out. Have a good night and I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said.

“Thanks again and see you soon.”

I turned the TV back off and decided on a quick smoke and a shower before Stay got back.

In sweatpants and a shir
t I settled back onto the couch, letting my hair dry naturally. Scanning all the channels, I made note of five comedies. I needed something to distract me and cause me to laugh.

When Stay
returned, I kept him company in the kitchen. “I called Sam and she can open for me but I will not have her open and close, so I do plan to go in.”

“Good, that will give you time to
rest up beforehand.”

“Also, I found
a few movies we could watch, assuming you’re staying.”

“I’m staying,” he said over his shoulder.

“Okay, your pick.
The Wedding Singer
is one.”

He set a big pot on the stove and filled it a third of the way with chicken broth.
“I’m not a huge fan of Adam Sandler.”

I perched on the side of the counter, watching him work.
“Okay, do you like Kevin Smith movies? I found
Chasing Amy
and
Dogma
.”

“Yes, I think I’ve seen all of his movies.
Dogma
is more a comedy out of the two. What else?”

“
Groundhog Day
?”

He efficiently
sliced carrots and celery, paused and said, “I feel like I’ve seen that movie over and over again.”

I chuckled. “I see what you did there.
Do you like old, black-and-white movies?”

“I’m a b and w buff.”

“
The Apartment
or
Roman Holiday
?” I peeled the garlic while he prepped the chicken.

“Either of those is good. Both are classics.”

“How many of these do you want?” I asked, holding up the garlic.

“Four or five big
cloves.”

“
Okay. What did you think about
The Princess Bride
?” I asked, dropping the garlic into his palm.

“Never got next to that one.”

“Me either,” I said, marveling over our
commonalities. “Everyone seems to love that movie and it makes me feel like I’m missing something. I’ve tried to watch it a few times and—”

“You ge
t bored.” He lowered the chicken into the pot

“Exactly,” I said.
“I do like the part with Billy Crystal and Carol Kane, but the rest of the movie is lost on me.”

“
I totally agree. They were a hoot. I think
The Apartment
might be too close to home. I love Shirley MacLaine in that one though. How about
Dogma
?”

“Great. I’ll
set it to record,” I said.

Stay joined me on the couch and said, “The soup is set
, and now it just needs to cook for a few hours. If you crash before then, you’ll have it for tomorrow. I also bought a variety of foods from the deli if you get hungry.”

“I’m good
, thank you,” I said. “The movie starts in a few minutes.”

He turned to face me, and asked,
“How long have you been smoking? I noticed them on the balcony last time I was here.”

“
Too long, but until the last few days, I had cut back to one or two a day. Usually just one when I get home from work.”

“So more when you’
re stressed,” he said, touching my knee.

I nodded. “Is that a total turn off?”

“As long as I don’t have to taste it or smell it on you, then no, however and I know you already know this, the costs are hardly worth the pleasure. Does anyone know?”

“Jacqs suspects that I’m smoking again
, and now Mason knows.” I rested back against the couch, rolling my head toward him.

“Oh?”

Then it all spilled out of me. “I smoked in front of him tonight. He seemed shocked and I enjoyed it. Just that one part, the rest—everything that I suspect you imagined turned out to be true. I’m his fifth affair. He broke it off with petite number four after he met me, but had no sex after we met, or so he said. Seems he was busy fucking his wife the whole time. I will say this, he is either the best actor in the universe or he really was desolated to lose me. Maybe he doesn’t like starting over. Honestly, Stay, I have no idea what to believe anymore. I feel numb which I guess is a vast improvement from being one step away from hell.”

“Do you give him any credit for being honest? It couldn’t have been easy to answer those questions.”

I stared at him in wonder and said, “He says he has never lied to me. Maybe he didn’t outright lie but he certainly left me with impressions that weren’t true. To answer your question, no, he gets no credit for it. So many times he told me he wished he could spend his life with me, and that his commitment to his marriage was just for his kids. I’ve been a colossal idiot, not seeing what I didn’t want to see, not asking what I didn’t really want to know, and deluding myself all the while.

“You know what hurts the most?”
I asked.

“That there were others?”

“Yes, that I was one of many and not the only one. It’s who he is and that certainly isn’t who I hoped he was. Did he play the games like we did with other women? That thought makes me so nauseous I have to push away from it before I fall apart again.

“I’m as angry with myself
as I am with him. I let him lead me to believe that what we had was special and like no other experience in his life.”

“And you don’t believe
him?” he asked, taking my hand in his.

Stay’s calm energy infused me and I sighed. I squeezed his hand and said,
“How can I know? There’s no way to know. I doubt he ever loved me. He probably says the same shit to all of us.”

“It’s hard to know. What games?”
He grabbed my leg and arm and pulled me closer to him, draping my legs over his left thigh.

“
Don’t give me that look. I can already see what’s churning in your mind. I hoped you would let that pass once it slipped out.”

“It’
s up to you.” He shrugged all innocent like.

“
Fine. Role playing.” My face and neck flushed hot.

“Like?
” He put my hand in his lap and said, “I’ve never tried it, but I admit to being curious.”

“
Apparently,” I said, feeling his hard erection through his jeans. “Professor and student, massage therapist and client, boss and employee, doctor and nurse, FBI Agent versus spy, and a few others.”

He whistled out and said, “I can see the appeal. Your
telling me about it turned me on. I’m not sure if it’s the idea of it or that you shared it with me.”

“Stay, you’re like a teenager around me.”

He adjusted himself in his pants and said, “You have no idea. If you could see inside my head you would kick me out of your place.”

“How is it you’re an absolute gentleman and a sexual deviant at the same time?”