Bittersweet Deceit (27 page)

He stood up and began to dress. “And on Wednesday? What do we say to everyone?”

“Um, I haven’t thought about that. I haven’t even had a chance to talk to Jacqs.”

His energy shift became intensely apparent.

“How about we tell them the truth? I’d rather not share about Mason but more about us.”

He smiled. “I’m good with that.”

“Your energy has changed.”

“It’s going to take some getting used to for me. The on and off.”
He sat down on the bed and pulled on his socks.

“I don’t understand. I thought you said that you and Karen spent plenty time apart.”

He looked up and said, “That’s because I wanted to.”

“Oh, I see.”

“I’m not good at giving the control away.”

I laughed. “I completely understand.
We’ll sort it out along the way. Please give me a hug before you go. I’m sure you understand that I need time to process everything.”

“Yes, I do and that’s what worries me.”

My hand in his, we walked to the front door. We embraced and Stay rocked me back and forth just like my dad always did. When we separated, he said, “I won’t reach out unless I hear from you. I’ll miss you.” He touched my cheek, and left.

Saying goodbye to Stay hurt way more than it should have. I poured myself a cup of coffee and used the bathroom. With my robe around me, I went out onto the balcony.
Cigarette in hand and coffee set by my feet, I stared out at the table that Mason and I had sat at the night before. The last twenty-four hours felt more like a month had passed. Filled with such a jumble of emotions, I couldn’t sort out how I really felt.

Back inside, I planned to climb into bed but decided to strip the sheets instead. It would be hard to concentrate with Stay’s scent and the smell of sex in the room. Once I had remade the bed, I pulled my journal onto my lap.

The push and pull of emotions
has successfully made me numb. I know Stay has helped. My heart has been shattered and there’s no Mason to come back and glue the pieces together again. Stay is like a splint, which won’t be able to hold it together forever.

Jacqs will tell me I need to grieve and move through all five steps. I’m pretty sure I’ve moved past the denial and isolation
stage. It might be more accurate to say I was catapulted over them and into the anger stage. In my case, the denial had been going on for a long time. My first stage should be called, harsh reality and having your face smashed into it. There is nothing to bargain with, so stage three is a wash too. I guess I can look forward to stage four: depression. Oh joy!

Where is the devastation
stage? I think I’ve already passed anger and am staunchly into self-pity. Why had I, how had I, deluded myself so effectively? I truly believed Mason loved me, which shows my utter stupidity. There is dumb and then there is dumb-ass dumb, and the latter would be me. How could a man like him love someone like me anyway? I was a convenient distraction from his life, and I guess he was the same for me.

Where the hell do I insert Stay into this mess? Aren’t I selfish bitch if I don’t take his heart into account? He deserves far better than me
, that’s for sure. Seems like Blue and/or Sam would be a better choice for him.

I can’t discount that he turned the worst day of my life into something incredible and memorable. But how flawed
is that? So flawed. When I look back it’s not like I can cut out the part of my shattered heart.

I still love Mason. How fucked up is that?
I like Stay—and the man is sexy as hell. Who knew he had it in him. Apparently I’ve surprised him as well. His cock! I could go on about that for days. I never thought I could enjoy a man so endowed, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t show me otherwise. He’s such a considerate lover, and a dominating one too. My pussy is twitching just thinking about his cock down my throat again. Maybe I should just be grateful for the distraction. It’s hard not to feel guilty about it though.

When I’m not being
dumb-ass dumb, I can be aware. Stay loves me. Like Mason said, no man does the things he has done for me, to me, and not love the one he’s doing them for. Is it fair for me to continue forward with him when I doubt I will ever love him back?

He keeps telling me not to worry about him, but how do I do that?

I wonder if I’ll hear from Mason again. I know I made it clear that I didn’t want to but it doesn’t keep me from wondering.

It’s already so late; I need to jump in the shower and go to work. This is the first time that I’m not looking forward to it. I’d rather find a cave I can climb in and lick my wounds.

Don’t forget to call dad. Consider checking your messages and checking in with Jacqs. Somehow talking about all that happened is the last thing I want to do. Another gift from Stayman: someone who already knows everything.

I got ready for work then heated up a small bowl of Stay’s chicken soup. After a few spoonfuls I gave up. My stomach wasn’t having anymore. I finished my coffee and checked my phone. I missed four calls: two from Stay from the night before, one from Jacqs, and one from my father. Also, I had seven texts: two from Stay, three from Mason, one from Bond, and one from Blue.

MM:
I hope at some point, when your anger has subsided, that you’ll give me a chance to explain. I love you with all my heart and I’m so sorry for all the hurt and

MM:
anger you are going through because of me. You are the last person in the world I would ever want to hurt and I know I will never get over it or you.

MM:
For the rest of my life, not matter how much time passes, I will be here for you. You can call me or text me anytime, day or night. Miss you so desperately.

“Jesus H. Christ!” Reading those texts was a dumb-ass dumb thing to do. I deleted them so I wouldn’t be inclined to reread them and obsesses over his words. “Fuck!” I screamed.

From Bond I received:

Bond:
Have you heard from Stay? Is he with you?

To Stay I texted:

Me:
Bond was looking for you. Have you touched base with him?

Stayman:
You miss me already? :D Yes and I told him all about how I ravaged your body. He asked for details and I declined. :P

Me:
You better not have!!!

Stayman:
Not to worry, OCDC. I did however tell him that I stayed over at your place and wasn’t paying attention to my phone.

Me:
Good grief!

Stayman:
I thought I wouldn’t be hearing from you for a good thirty-six hours. That didn’t take you long.

Me:
Gloating again? I was just passing along a message!

Stayman:
I miss you too.

Me:
I’ve got to go.

Me:
Wait

Stayman:
What now, OC?

Me:
Thank you so much for the soup. It’s delicious. I think I’ll be living on it for the next few days.

Stayman:
My pleasure.

Me:
Goodbye, Stayman.

Stayman:
Goodbye, sweetheart. If you’re pussy starts aching for me like my cock aches for you all the time, you know where to find me.

Me:
You’re incorrigible. Now leave me alone!

Stayman:
Yes ma’am.

I shook my head and that time I was very aware of it. The last text from Blue said:

Blue:
Sorry we ditched you for so long. See you Wednesday?

I texted her back:

Me:
No worries. See you Wednesday.

I decided I would call Jacqs on the way to work and call my father later.

Once in my Saturn Sky, I hit dial on my speaker phone.

“Hey, girl,” Jacqs said when she answered.

“You have a minute?”

“Yeah, I’m at my desk. I apologize that we got separated for so long yesterday. Next year just you and I can go.”

I made a left turn and said, “I doubt I will ever go to that art fair again.”

“Oh, you didn’t enjoy it? Was the music bad?”

“Jacqs?”

“Yeah?”

“I have something to tell you, well a lot but I really don’t have it in me to go into a lot of detail right now. Okay?” I stopped at a red light waiting to make a right turn.

“You’re scaring me.”

“I don’t mean to.
The Reader’s Digest is that in Delray I saw Mason with his wife and family.”

I heard her gasp and then she asked, “Shit! Did he see you?”

“No. To make a very long, godawful story short, I ended it with him yesterday.”

I heard her blow air out, in relief maybe.
“There’s more, I can tell.”

“Stay. Stay came and got me from the fair and well—”

“You’re having sex with Stay? Get the fuck out of town. That’s fantastic. How was it?”

“In some ways it’s off-the-charts incredible but—” I pulled in behind the shop and turned off the car.

“But?”

“He has agreed to a friends with benefits arrangement. He is so nice to me
, and I’m worried about hurting him. He says that’s for him to worry about.”

“I agree with him. Hang on a second.” I heard her cover the phone and say something. She continued, “Plus you never know
, Lainie, you might just fall in love with him. Are you coming out to the get together on Wednesday?”

“Do you need to go?”

“You’re not getting off the phone that easily. Finish!” she demanded.

“I have to assume it will be fairly obvious that Stay
and I are together. Letting people know then is the plan.”

“Whoop, whoop! I can’t be happier for you! Please, can I tell
Aidan?”

Shaking my head again, I
realized Stay was right. I did it a lot. “Yes, you can tell him. Listen, I’m at the shop and need to go inside. I’ll see you Wednesday if we don’t talk before.”

“Love you
, girl. I’m going to barge into Aidan’s office and tell him now.”

I chuck
led and said, “Love you too.”

I placed my bag down in the office and walked out into the shop.

“Hey, Lainie, I love your hair like that. Did you put waves in it?” Sam asked, walking over to me.

“This is my natural hair. I usually blow it straight. I didn’t feel like taking the time today. Same for the casual dress and no makeup.”

“You look great. I hope you were late because you were getting the good stuff in bed.”

That I could possibly look good had to be some sort of magic. “My lips are sealed.”

“Come on! You’re so secretive. I’m trying to live vicarious through you. Jacqs tells me nothing.”

“Lucky you. Jacqs often wants to tell me too much.”

Samantha laughed.

“I’ll tell
you one, well two things, but no questions afterwards.”

She pretended to turn a key over her lips.

“No more MM, and Stay and I are ... casually dating.”

“Oh
, lucky you. He is one hot man and so into you. Plus, he’s one of the good guys.”

“He’s ... I don’t know what he is other than extremely persistent.”

We laughed together and then the air got caught in my throat. I wanted, needed, to be alone.

“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? You have been filling in for me so often lately, you deserve it.”

“Are you sure? I could surprise Sarah and take her to the park for a picnic. Thankfully it’s not hot like it was yesterday.”

“Go for it. Enjoy.”

She stepped toward me tentatively and I met her halfway for a hug. “Thank you, Lainie, and not just for the time off,” she said as she stepped back.

Once she left, I sighed out and breathed a little easier. Samantha was great but I didn’t feel up to engaging in idle chitchat. The store
had little traffic after lunch, and I spent my time on mindless tasks. I sorted through the inventory in the back, refolded shelf after shelf in the shop although it really didn’t need it, and I scrubbed out the bathroom even though I have cleaners come in twice a week. With my ear out for the door, I straightened and wiped down my office too.

Bella Boutiq
ue looked great by the time I got ready to leave. After entering the numbers for the night, I headed home.

Nothing earth shattering happened that night, thankfully. I smoked a couple of cigarettes, ate a bowl of Stay’s chicken soup, and watched
The Voice
. I didn’t even feel like journaling. For a moment, as I was falling asleep, I wished I could be one of those people who climbed into bed and didn’t get out for days.

My mother didn’t tolerate such nonsense. To her catching a cold and giving into
it was a major weakness. The walking wounded I had down to a science.