Bittersweet Hope

Chapter One

When I was five, I’d come home to find a stack of twenties on my mother’s bedside table and a strange man in her bedroom. Nothing was ever the same after that.

I tried my best to focus on the silver haired wo
man standing in front of me, craggy lines sunken in around her eyes and mouth, skin pale and hallowed. She looked like somebody’s sweet old granny. Just goes to show that appearances could be deceiving, I guess. Because sweet? Heh. More like Satan. But I decided to beg anyway--it was the only thing I had left.

“Please, Mrs. Golden. This is all I have right now.” I pulled a wad of crumpled cash from my apron pocket. “It’s everything I made today, okay? I work a double tomorrow, and I’ll give you whatever I make then, too.”

She sighed as she counted out the money, and my breathing quickened as I tried to find something else to concentrate on, because the sound of the bills rustling from one of her sandpaper hands to the other made me want to throw something. Bad idea, because the only other thing to focus on was the apartment she stood in front of. It reeked of sour food and must, and I wrinkled my nose. Birds cawed in their cages, flapping their wings as they bounced around, looking as if they were trying desperately to find any way to get free.

Mrs. Golden sighed.
“This is only forty-seven dollars, Audrey. Your mother owes me over a thousand. It would take you years to work it off at this pace.” She shook her head. “That woman should be ashamed of herself. Sending you to work at that restaurant all hours with her out doing God knows who . . . .” She stopped, studying my face.

I chewed on my lower lip and scuffed my toes on the thinning carpet. “Mrs. Golden, please. I’ll get the money somehow. Just . . . don’t kick us out.” I twisted my hands, hating having to plead to stay in this hell hole, but we didn’t have anywhere else to go.

Mrs. Golden hesitated, closing her eyes and putting her hand on her forehead. Finally, she shook her head. “I’m sorry, Audrey. It’s not my problem. I have to have the money.” She cleared her throat, refusing to meet my eyes. “You have until Friday.” She backed into her apartment and closed the door.

I blinked at the cheap brown wood as I tried to steady my breathing. The buzzing sound in my ears got louder and louder, and I could feel the tears
about to spill over. But damn it, Mrs. Golden would not break me.

Trying to calm down, I closed my eyes and inhaled extra slowly, but it didn’t help much. I had to prepare myself to face my sisters. They would know something was wrong in a millisecond if I didn’t pull it off just right.

I steeled myself as I headed for the staircase. It only took a few seconds for me to climb the drafty old stairs and trudge to the door of our one bedroom apartment. I inserted my key into the lock and pushed, the door groaning as it moved forward. Piece of crap.

When I entered the room, bare other than one ratty sofa, it only made my failures even more clear. I would never make enough money to keep us afloat on my own. And Mama’s money…I didn’t even want to think about it, any of it. Not the powder she sucked up her nose or the needles she stuck in her arms. The images revolved through my mind anyway, countless pictures of her sunken in eyes and glazed over looks, the result of many drug induced sleepless nights.

“Hey.”

Turning toward the voice in the bedroom, I saw my youngest sister, Sadie, sitting on Mama’s air mattress. She held a notebook and a pencil, but a quick glance at the blank paper told me she hadn’t really been doing anything.

“Hey kiddo.” I said, walking in and plopping down beside her. My voice sounded normal at least. “I would ask you if Zach called, but I forgot we don’t have a phone.” Maybe my attempt at humor would lighten the mood, which was always tense these days.

Sadie rolled her eyes. “Don’t call me kiddo. I’m only two years younger than you. I don’t know what you see in that idiot, anyway. He’s nothing but a pretty boy with an attitude about it. You’re too good for him.”

It was my turn to roll my eyes. “Yeah, greasy hair and the complexion of a ghost—I sure am model material.” Now would be a good time to change the subject. “Where’s Sierra?”

Sadie pursed her lips. “She went to look for a job.”

My chest tightened. “What? Why? I told her to quit worrying about it. We’ll be fine.” Hopefully my sister wouldn’t pick up on my frustration, but it was hard to keep my voice from cracking.

“We know, Audrey.” Sadie looked around the empty bedroom, decorated with only the air mattress and a three legged bedside table that held a tattered picture of me and my sisters. “But I mean, it’s not like we couldn’t use some extra money or anything.”

Dried ketchup and mustard painted the apron tied around my waist, and I picked at it, watching a few flakes fall to the floor. I could barely make enough to keep the water turned on, and we were pretty much eating crackers every day. The lights were still on, for now at least. But none of that mattered, because we were about to lose the roof over our heads.

I picked at my apron more furiously. Mama could whore herself out for drug money, but she couldn’t care less that her kids were dirty and starving. One day it would be different though. Eighteen wasn’t that far away, and I was getting the hell out of here . . . I just had to make sure my sisters were okay first.

“I might just have to go and get a second job, that’s all.” The thought made my heart beat faster and my fists clenched automatically, but no way was I letting Sadie and Sierra get jobs and have to worry with school
and
work. No way.

I burrowed my shaking hands into my lap, hiding them. Hopefully I looked calm, for my sister’s benefit. It felt like she could see straight through my skin to my insides churning with worry. Like there was some part of me that was completely and totally transparent, and every fear and heartache was spilling out, and without a damn thing I could do about it. I shifted, suddenly uncomfortable.

“You can’t do that.” Sadie stared at me, but I refused to meet her eyes.

“Sure I can.”
Keep your voice above a whisper, Audrey. Make her believe everything is going to be alright.

“But Audrey, you would have to drop out of school to do that. You only have a few months until graduation.” My sister twisted her hands together as I shook my head. When she was little, she would do it so much her skin would become raw and start to crack. I could remember running her to the bathroom and rinsing them off, then sneaking in Mrs. Bridle’s apartment down the hall when she walked down to get her mail, hurrying so I could grab a couple band aids for my sister. Sadie could try to be tough all she wanted, but the hand twisting was a sure sign that she was more worried than angry.

I smoothed my apron down and prepared for a battle. At least this sister was easier to deal with. If Sierra were home, I’d be in for a war.

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll just get my GED, it’s no big deal. Sierra doesn’t need to get a job. You guys need to concentrate on getting good grades so you can try and get a scholarship when you get done. It’s too late for me to do that. It’s my job to take care of y’all now.” I pursed my lips in a thin line and stared at Sadie, hoping the look on my face would dare her to challenge me.

She opened her mouth, but didn’t get anything out before her eyes shifted upward and behind me, and I knew I’d spoken too soon about Sierra’s lack of presence. Damn it.

“No, it’s really our joke of a mother’s job to take care of us, and she sucks at it. Like, major.” Her sour voice spoke up from behind us. I jumped, even though I’d already figured she was back there.

I turned to face her. She was leaning in the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest, the same disgusted look on her face as always. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually seen Sierra’s teeth.

“Hey sis.” I forced my lips upward into a smile.

All I got in return was an eye roll. “Whatever.”

Sadie leaned forward, ignoring me now that Sierra was home. “Did you find anything?”

“No.” Sierra sighed as she flopped onto the mattress with us, her corn silk hair brushing against me as she landed. She looked down and started picking at her nails. There wasn’t much to pick—she’d already bitten them down to the quick.

“Nobody will hire me because I don’t have ‘reliable’ transportation. We can only afford the one bus pass, and Audrey uses it. I mean, I hitchhiked today, but I don’t want to do that all the time.”

I drew in my breath, but my sister looked so sad I couldn’t bring myself to bust her chops for doing something so idiotic. Oh, I wanted to. But she was already beating herself up about not being able to find work. There was really no point in starting some big fight over something that was already over and done with anyway.

They both avoided my gaze. I swallowed hard and raked my fingers through my hair, trying to figure out how to reassure them that life wasn’t so terrible. Not to mention myself.

“Guys . . . I know things have sucked around here lately.”

“Lately? Try forever.” Sadie cut in, her tone edging on angry.

I ignored her and continued.

“I know things aren’t the best around here. But we’re going to be okay. It could be a lot worse.”

“How?” Sadie spoke up again. She was scrubbing her hand against her cheek, trying to wipe away the tears rolling down them. The sight of it made my heart shatter into a tiny million pieces. My breath caught in my throat, but I forced myself to keep talking. To keep grasping at whatever shards of hope I could find.

“We could be on the streets.” Mrs. Golden’s image splashed into my mind. I didn’t have a clue how to get the money we needed. One thousand freaking dollars. My entire body seemed numb from hopelessness, but I had to figure something out. All I wanted was to spare my sisters that same feeling, even if it were just for a little while longer.

“Yeah. Maybe.” Sadie wiped her hand across her face again and sniffled. She looked down at her blank piece of paper and twisted her hands together again. I could already see how red and irritated they were. It wouldn’t be long before one tiny crack in her skin turned into ten and she was bleeding.

Sierra didn’t say a word. She was more intuitive than Sadie, and she was probably onto my “our life is not complete shit” act. Hell, I was having trouble convincing myself. I never claimed to be an actress. I’d never been a good liar, even white lies. Especially to my sisters. It was a fatal flaw. One that I was really going to have to remember to work on. Though the fact that my right eyebrow started twitching most of the time I even tried to lie was a dead giveaway, so I didn’t know how I really expected to improve myself.

I cleared my throat. “Well, no more self-pity, okay?” We’ll be alright. After all, we’re together, aren’t we?”

“Til Mama sells us to the highest bidder.” Sierra mumbled. 

Sadie let loose an audible gasp.

“Sierra.” My teeth ground together. “Don’t ever say anything like that again.”

“You don’t think she’d go there if she wanted her stupid crack back enough? Grow up, Audrey. She already sells herself. She’ll do it to us too if she gets desperate.”

My mouth opened to yell at her, but someone knocked at the door, causing us all to look in that direction. Frowning, I prayed it wouldn’t be Mrs. Golden. The last thing I needed right now was for my sisters to hear that we were going to get evicted.

Both of the girls looked toward me, expecting me to get up and see who it was. I was the first line of defense. Not that they were the second or third lines. If someone got through me I guess we were all burnt toast.

I stood, and my stomach lurched as I walked to the door on wooden legs. The air in the room seemed to close in on me, a knot forming in my stomach. This couldn’t be good. I had a feeling this was not any good.

An unfamiliar woman stood in front of me when I pulled the door open, her crisp black suit—along with the briefcase and clipboard gripped in her perfectly manicured hands—told me all I needed to know. Well, that and the fact that there were two policemen flanking her sides.

“Hi. May I help you?” My tone was polite, but my insides felt razor sharp. A little voice screamed inside of me as I stared at the woman. It said to freaking run.

“Are you the Emerson children?” The stranger asked. She looked at the papers on her clipboard. “Audrey, seventeen. Sierra, sixteen. Sadie, fifteen.” Her emotionless blue eyes flashed.

My throat felt swollen, and the air tightening around me started to choke faster. Crap . . . .

I snapped back to reality at the sound of scuffling behind me. My legs felt like noodles and I thought I might collapse, but I forced myself to be steady. I looked at the policemen. The older man gave me a small smile, his kind face wrinkled around his mouth and forehead. The younger one avoided my gaze entirely.

“Yes ma’am. That’s us.” I felt like I would choke as I forced the words out of my mouth.

“Is your father here?”

Father? Ha. We didn’t know who our fathers were. And since we didn’t look one bit alike, we were pretty much positive they were three different men. Plus, our mother wasn’t exactly known for playing hard to get. We’d come to terms with that a long time ago.

“We don’t know where our
father
is.” I couldn’t help but put a sarcastic infliction on the word.