Bittersweet Hope (4 page)

Kneeling, I pulled open the door to the black cabinet and grabbed a towel and washcloth, then undressed and climbed into the shower, moving the handle as far to hot as my body could stand. Steam filled the space, a perfect scalding bliss. Every pore of my skin seemed to open and soak it all in.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been able to enjoy a shower, or if there had even been a first time.

Next to the upper shelf I found a pink loofah. It still had the price tag attached, so it was probably mine, too. I squeezed some body wash onto it and began soaping up, then used the exfoliating face wash. Finally, turning around and letting the hot water run through my hair, I used the shampoo and conditioner, taking in every minute and almost crying remembering the slow trickle of cold water from our apartment.
This was like, heaven.

J
ust after I’d rinsed my hair, a loud creak knocked me right off my imaginary cloud.

T
urning the faucet off quickly, I stuck my hand out of the shower for my towel and looked toward the doorway as I hurriedly wrapped it around me, expecting to see Anna. Though for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why she would come in.

It wasn’t Anna. A boy
, a super good looking one, who had to be Caleb stood staring at me. Blinding spots jumbled in front of me, making everything fuzzy. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again, praying that maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

“What the hell?” I yelled the words before thinking about it. He looked at me, and my first thought was that I must look like a wet rat covered in one of his mother’s nice linens. His blue eyes, the same bright color as Anna’s, were dancing with amusement. My knees bent automatically, almost giving out underneath me as I gulped.

“Shouldn’t I be the one saying that?” His voice was deep and rich, like velvet. He leaned against the counter, slinging a T-shirt over his shoulder. It was impossible not to take in the sight of the muscles stretched over his arms and torso as he looked me up and down.

“Didn’t you hear the water running in here?” I demanded.
I grabbed my hair and twisted, wringing the water out. I lifted one foot to step out onto the mat in front of the shower, but thought twice and decided I was better off where I was.

“Didn’t you know you’re in someone else’s shower? I mean, an intruder is
an intruder, even if it is a good looking one.” His full lips parted in a crooked smile.

The nerve! An intruder? Did this guy really think I broke into his house and just decided to take a shower, all with his mother downstairs?
I rolled my eyes. I had hoped this guy would be easy to deal with, not give me any problems. But I didn’t do well with idiots.

“Caleb? Audrey?” Anna burst into the bathroom, drinking in a big gulp of air.

“Audrey?” Caleb asked. He looked at his mother with his eyebrows raised.

Anna stared at the scene before her. Me, standing in the shower wrapped in nothing but a towel, soaking wet from head to toe. Her son,
who was looking at her as if she’d grown another head.

“I locked the door.” I told her
as I lifted my shoulders, not knowing what else to say. My voice sounded hoarse, even to me.

Caleb jiggled the handle. The lock was still in place. “Hasn’t worked in years.” He put his hand over his mouth, shielding his smile as he looked at his mother. Well. Just because he was cute—okay, gorgeous—didn’t mean he could be irritating as all hell.

Anna’s shoulders sagged. She obviously hadn’t even told him about me. She probably had some grand way for us to meet each other all planned out. I’d bet money on the fact that she thought we’d all be one big, happy family. Yeah. Right.

“I’m so sorry, Audrey.” Anna slapped Caleb on the shoulder. “You weren’t supposed to be home until tonight. You scared the life out of her!”

His deep laugh seemed to bounce through the entire room. “I scared the life out of who? I don’t know who she is! I guess I wasn’t aware we were expecting company.” He looked in my direction again, and I tightened my towel. Jerk. Still, every time I looked at him the dark spots flashed in front of my eyes again.

“She’s not company. She’s your new sister.”

I winced. Sister my ass. I mean, I liked Anna and everything, but c’mon!

His expression went from amused to bewildered in a nanosecond. “Huh?” He asked, his voice actually squeaking a little bit.
I couldn’t help but smile at his discomfort. Served him right.

Anna shook her head. “Just get out of here, Caleb. Let her go get her bearings since you almost gave her a heart attack. Come on downstairs and I’ll tell you all about it.” She turned to me. “Audrey, I put those clothes in your room. Meet me in the kitchen when you’re dressed, okay?”

Nodding, I watched as Anna ushered a very confused Caleb out the door. His questions rang through the hallway as they headed down the stairs.

“Her room? Mom, what’s going on?”

Their voices trailed off before I could hear her reply. Great. She was going to go tell him all about their new charity case. Me.

Twisting my hair
again in my hands to squeeze the water out, I stepped onto the mat bordering the tub. Just as I was about to dry off, a thought entered my mind and I darted to the door to make sure it was closed tight.

A second later, I scutt
led into my bedroom, double checking to make sure the lock on the door worked. Anna had laid out a pair of jeans and a red t-shirt. Nothing fancy, but beggars can’t be choosers. I’d be grateful for anything.

I swallowed over and over as I dressed, Caleb’s face clouding my mind. I’d never ridden a roller coaster, but Mama, in one of her coherent moments, had once told me how it felt. Like your stomach was flying on top of your head. Like I was feeling right now.

After using the blow dryer Anna had left on the nightstand, I straightened my shoulders and headed for the stairs. It had crossed my mind just to lock myself in the bedroom, to hide away and fake a stomach ache or a headache, or anything that would get me out of leaving the safety of that one square space. Except I couldn’t do that, because that would upset Anna, and Caleb would probably think it was because of him. Even if it
was
because of him, it wasn’t like he needed to know that. I could function perfectly well in front of an attractive guy.

I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jeans. Mama had always said you could tell a lot about a person by the way they moved their hands when they weren’t thinking about it.
There seemed to be no way to keep my hands still at the moment, so I figured my pockets were my best bet.

I made my way down to the kitchen. Anna was loading
dishes into the dishwasher. I didn’t see Caleb anywhere, which made my shoulders feel at little bit lighter at least. “I’m ready.” I told her.

She looked up and nodded. “Okay. I’m just finishing up in here.” She put the last glass on the top rack and closed the lid.

“Did he freak out?” I asked, chewing on my lower lip.

She raised her eyebrows. “Caleb? Nah. He’s pretty laid back most of the time. The only time he’s ever really gotten uptight was right after Kyle . . .” She looked down at the wedding rings she still wore on her
left hand. “Well, he took that kind of hard.”

“I coul
d see where that would be a difficult thing to deal with.”

“Yes. You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you? I’m sorry about your mother.”
Anna’s kind face softened, and immediately I could tell she was focused on my pain instead of her own.

I hesitated
. “It’s okay.” I would have said that it was bound to happen sooner or later but I didn’t want Anna to think I was harsh. Even though it would have been the truth. Hopefully she would just think I didn’t want to talk about it. That wasn’t far from the truth, either.

Anna smiled at me. “Let me just grab my purse.” After taking off her apron and hanging in on the peg near the door, she picked up a black leather bag from the kitchen table. “Let’s go.”

I followed her to the front door. Well. Here goes nothing.

Chapter Four

Just a few hours later, shopping bags covered every bit of space on my new bed. It still hadn’t really sunk in yet, that all of it was mine. It was more clothes than I’d ever owned in my whole life. And not only at one time. Ever.

Anna had made me try on dress after dress, jeans, khakis, tops. She’d piled purses and costume jewelry and lotions into my arms. Even when I told her to stop, it was all too much, she just kept grabbing things.

“Don’t worry about it, dear.” She’d said. Yeah right. In the back of my mind was the nagging feeling it would all have to be paid back somehow. And I had zero dollars to my name.
Less than zero. Knowing my luck Mrs. Golden might still come after me for the rent Mama had owed. Surely not, though…I decided not to think about it. If it was going to be a problem, it would have to be one for another day. Instead I kept looking over the purchases on my bed.

Anna had even
gotten me a pre-paid cell phone, but had made me promise not to call Sierra or Sadie until she checked with their foster families to see if it was okay. The phone was supposed to be for emergencies only. I mean, it wasn’t anything upscale, which I never would have expected anything at all anyway. But Anna had said only people living in the dark ages didn’t have some sort of way to communicate at all times.

I had to keep the devil off my shoulder though. My mother had been buried in a plain pine box, state provided,
only two days ago. The only people there had been my sisters and I, and Mrs. Anderson and Officer Cane had come, too. And here I was, my heart racing over some new clothes. I just hoped Sierra and Sadie were having similar experiences. I hoped they could find some kind of joy in the shitty cards we’d been dealt. It was the only way we would all get through it.

Thinking about my sisters stung more than thinking about Mama. Maybe because I’d gotten so used to not really having a mother a long time before she actually died.
I’d always just done for myself. Still, my shoulders dropped with the weight of my guilt.

I walked into the closet and flipped the light switch on, facing the empty hangers which only a few hours earlier had sent me into a mini melt down. Now it was simple to walk over and just hang things up. When everything was organized just the right way, I moved on to the lotions and
accessories, laying them carefully side by side on top of the dresser.

“Having fun?”

Goose bumps automatically popped up on my arm. Caleb leaned in my doorway, eating an orange. My back stiffened. I didn’t know if he was genuinely trying to have a conversation with me or if he was trying to make me feel guilty that his mom had spent this money on me. I sure didn’t need his guilt. I had more than enough already.

“I’m just, uh, putting things away.” My mouth felt dry, and it annoyed the hell out of me. He was just a guy. Just a hot, sexy guy with muscles and a tan and pretty eyes and . . . shit.

“You got a lot of nice stuff.” He nodded toward the closet.

“Yes. Thanks to your mama. She’s pretty great.”

A smile crept across his face at the mention of Anna. “She is pretty awesome, huh?”

I nodded, then silence stood stale in the air for a good minute. It seemed like forever, though. I couldn’t seem to find anything to do with my hands. After twiddling my thumbs and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I finally jammed them back into my pockets.

Caleb took one last bite of his orange and wiped his palms on the dark khaki shorts he wore. “Well. See ya.”

“Bye.” My mouth still felt like it was full of cotton. It was completely irritating to keep noticing how gorgeous he was. Stupid estrogen.

He turned, and a second later I heard a nearby door close. I gathered the shopping bags to take down to the trash, hoping Anna wasn’t too set on that brother and sister thing. Because, uh—I didn’t think that would work out too well.

Whe
n I got downstairs, Anna was organizing the insides of her pantry. She smiled as I walked in.

“Hey Audrey. I hope you like pizza casserole.” Her smile disappeared immediately. “Oh no. You’re not a vegetarian or anything are you?”

I halted. Nobody ever cared what I liked to eat.

“
Uh, no. I like most anything. Except fish. I don’t eat any kind of fish.” Was it okay to tell her that? It sort of felt like I should eat anything offered to me. But the thought of eating something slimy, that slithers around in the water . . . gross. Double gross.

She laughed. “Well, Caleb will be heartbroken. We have a pond out back and he loves to catch catfish for dinner.”

I walked to the window overlooking the backyard, which I hadn’t had the chance to explore yet. There was a patio with a table and chairs, and a few hundred yards away sat a pretty good sized pond. Beyond the pond, I saw an old looking swing-set, then woods that went on for what must have been miles.

“You guys have a beautiful home here. I’ve never seen anything like it.” I hugged my arms to my chest. Hearing a slight movement, I turned to see Anna had walked up behind me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked, her cherubic face gentle.

I paused. Anna was so nice. But it didn’t feel like the time to bring out all my dirty laundry.
I didn’t know if there ever would be a time, but my first day here was definitely not it.

“No.” I hoped she wasn’t offended. Hurting her feelings was the last thing I wanted to do.

“And that’s perfectly okay, Audrey. If you’re ever ready, I’m here.” She smiled and walked back to the oven.

Caleb came down the stairs before I had much more time to think about it. We sat at the table, and Anna brought the casserole over, a steaming pile of cheese and marinara sauce with pepperoni decorating the top. It looked like it would add about ten pounds to my hips, but I didn’t care. I was starving.
  My hips were non-existent, anyway. That tended to be the case when you didn’t have a whole lot to eat most of the time.

“There’s a party at
the old Milstead place, Mom,” Caleb was saying as he dug his fork into his food, “just some of the guys from the team and their girlfriends. Is it okay if I go?”

I pushed my casserole around my plate. There was no way I’d be able to finish the heap she’d given me. I was so used to eating just a little bit at a time, my stomach was already protesting anything more.
I wondered what my sisters were eating tonight. Even though I wouldn’t be able to eat everything I’d been given, it was better than delicious. I prayed they had the same luxury.

“Sure honey.” Anna replied, smiling at Caleb. “Hey, why don’t you take Audrey with you? It would probably be nice for her to get out and get to know some people. Then maybe her first day of school won’t be so intimidating.”

Anna clasped her hands in front of her chest, delighted with her idea. She must not have noticed the horror on my face or the blank look her son was giving her. I didn’t want to go out and meet people. I wanted to go to bed and pretend the last few days hadn’t happened.

“I don’t know, Mom. She probably doesn’t want to go.” Caleb didn’t meet my eyes. In a flash my annoyance at his mother’s suggestion was gone, replaced by the need to prove him wrong. For some reason I wanted to make him uncomfortable. Maybe because he made me feel that way.

“Oh I don’t know. I’ve never really had the chance to go to a lot of parties. It might be fun.” I grinned at him.

“Perfect!” Anna smiled at both of us, and I thought her cheeks would touch her hair line.

Caleb gazed at me for a second, then shrugged his shoulders. Maybe it hadn’t annoyed him as much as I thought it would.
Damn it. Now I was stuck, and there was really nothing I’d like to do less than go to some party where I didn’t know but one person, and even that one I’d only just met.

“Let me just go and change clothes.” I said when I finished my dinner a few minutes later. “It won’t take me long.” Caleb nodded, his eyes following me as I went up the stairs.

I chose a pair of jeans and a pretty floral top, and put them on quickly, heading back down to the kitchen when I was done.

I bit my lip as I turned to Anna. “What about calling my sisters?” In my haste, it
had completely slipped my mind.

Anna frowned. “You know, I thought about that a while ago, and what do you think about waiting until tomorrow? You know, give you all a little chance to get settled in.”

Part of me wanted to object, but she was probably right. Besides, I didn’t want to make myself upset right before I went to this party. It wasn’t like I was going to have a good time anyway, but there was no sense in making it worse.

“That sounds like a good idea.” I told her. I looked at Caleb, who was leaning in the doorway, keys in hand. “I’m ready.” I said.

“Okay. Hey, Mom, okay if I take your car? Mine’s out of gas and you know the stores around here close at like eight. We’ll probably never make it all the way out there and back.”

Anna had walked into the living room and settled herself into a leather recliner, a magazine in her hand. “Sure. Be careful.”

“We will.” Caleb headed to the door.

“Bye, Anna.” I hesitated before following him, no longer very sure about wanting to leave the house.

“Have fun.” Anna said, focusing on the article she was reading.

I nodded, more to myself, and went out to meet Caleb, who sat in Anna’s gold SUV. We didn’t talk as we drove through the winding country roads,
and the silence was unnerving. I had nothing to do with my hands. I tried to keep them still in my lap, but every time I remembered I caught myself fidgeting. I stole a glance at Caleb. It was a dark night, barely any stars, and there were no streetlights out this far. The only thing I could see was the outline of his jaw, strong and squared. His muscular arm stretched across the steering wheel, lazily taking us in whatever direction it was that we were going. I fidgeted even more. This was so not a good idea.

Finally,
we reached a huge wood and stone house sitting on Sandy Lake. Pine trees rose up from behind it, and light and music spilled out the front.

“Small party, huh?” I asked, surveying the cars parked around us. There must have been twenty or thirty.

Caleb shrugged. “No need to worry her more than necessary.” He studied me for a minute. “You sure you want to do this?”

I jutted my lower lip out. “Why wouldn’t I?”

He lifted his shoulders. “I don’t know, I just figured it might be a little too much for you.” He paused. “Mom told me what you’ve been through.”

He’d figured right. It was too much. I sighed.

“It will help not to think about things, and that’s what I’d be doing if I sat up in my room by myself all night. Don’t worry, you won’t have to baby-sit me or anything.”

“Do they know who did it? To your mom, I mean?”

I looked up at him, surprised he had asked. It was something I’d thought about too, but nobody had mentioned really trying to find out why Mama had been killed. Oh, I was sure the police department was looking into it, but I didn’t know anything about the investigation. It seemed so farfetched to actually catch anyone. It could be anybody.

“No.” I told him. I looked him the eyes. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

He nodded. “Okay. You sure you want to go in?” He asked again.

“Yes.”

“Here we go, then.” Caleb said, as he pushed his door open. I did the same, and then steeled myself as we headed inside.