Black (Clashing Colors Book 1) (12 page)

“You look upset, Cia,” Bruce observed. 

I shot him an angry glance. “You tell me right now, what kind of fucked-up place is this?”

He tilted his head with a speculative expression on his face. “Care to share what has gotten you so upset?”

“I’m on to you and your perverted little scheme,” I shouted and pointed a finger accusingly at him. “You are trying to make G and me have sex.”

Gabriel gasped and Bruce lifted an eyebrow, which was the closest thing to a full-blown hissy fit I had ever seen from this permanently calm man.

“Certainly not – in fact I would strongly recommend that you don’t. Why would you think otherwise?”

I placed my hands on my hips. “Because I was just lectured about games to play with your daddy in the forest.”

“What games?” Gabriel asked and looked completely baffled.

“Let me think. There is the snail game, the P game, and something about a snake too.”

“The what?” Gabriel asked and looked to Bruce for help.

“Oh, and you know what,
daddy
?” I said sardonically. “In case you’re interested, Anna says you can babysit her anytime and that she would love to play games with you in the woods.”

Bruce stood rooted to the ground but folded his arms and observed us closely.

Gabriel on the other hand placed both hands on top of his head and looked perplexed. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what snail and P stands for, I can kind of guess that snake has something to do with the male physiology… oh wait, so snail is…” Gabriel trailed off and a smile lurked in the corner of his mouth. “Right, but the P… what is the P game?”

“P for punishment,” I snorted.

“Kinky.” Gabriel smirked and squeezed himself into the swing. “And Anna wants to do that with me?”

I wanted to throttle him for being so damn insensitive.

“Yes, apparently she does – anytime you want.”

Gabriel opened his mouth to speak but Bruce held up a hand to silence him. “I’m going to stop you right there, before you say something that you can’t take back,” he said.

“I was just going to say that…”

“I know what you were going to say and I strongly suggest that you don’t say it.”

Gabriel knitted his brows. “You can’t possibly know what I was going to say.”

“Your body spoke it before your words did, and trust me, you don’t want to say it. You already said enough.”

Gabriel shut his mouth and muttered low under his breath.

“I can understand that you’re upset, Cia, but let me explain,” Bruce said and looked straight at me. “Anna and Mark do role-playing for a different reason than you two, and I’ll have a word with them since they’ve broken quite a few of our basic rules.”

“So they aren’t clients of yours,” I asked.

“In a way, but they don’t follow the program like you do. Mark is a regular, he comes a few times a year and typically brings a daughter. Anna has been with him for a few years now.”

“But why do they come if they don’t have to?”

“They are into age play and enjoy the opportunity to live it out among others. We welcome it, as it helps our clients feel more comfortable when others are wearing regression clothes too.

“However, they are not allowed to use the forest for sexual escapades, and they know not to approach clients here with any talk about age play.”

Gabriel spoke up. “What the hell is this age play thing? Are they pedophiles?” he asked with disgust.

“Hardly,” Bruce said and sat down on a bench. “People who are into age play are not sexually interested in children; in fact sometimes they role-play as an elderly person, although that’s rare. It’s often the whole element of nurturing and bonding and sometimes disciplining that appeals to them. In many cases it doesn’t even involve intercourse.”

“Are you talking about grown men wanting to get a diaper on and other absurd stuff like that?” Gabriel asked.

“That would be infantilism and that can be part of age play too, but doesn’t have to be. Some people stick to the rebellious teen years and wear naughty school uniforms, but that is not what we do in this camp.” Bruce closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose for a few seconds before he continued talking.

“I’m very sorry Anna told you what she did, and I can’t stress enough that you will not be having sex with anyone as part of this program. We only use regression as part of a therapy program, because it works.

I pointed at Gabriel. “You are not letting that pervert, Mark, babysit me, do you understand?”

“Of course not – I’m not letting him anywhere near you. I’ve seen how he looks at you and now I know why.”

“And I would also suggest that you don’t take Anna up on her offer,” Bruce said calmly to Gabriel, who looked a bit disappointed.

“But if…”

“Again,” Bruce said. “Please don’t finish that sentence.”

Gabriel, who was still sitting on the swing with his feet planted solidly on the ground, scrunched his face and challenged Bruce. “I’m sorry but I don’t see the problem. Cia and I will never be romantically involved; so why can’t I see other women?”

Not all things make sense. And to me it made no sense that Gabriel’s words hurt so much when I completely agreed with him. We were never going to be romantically involved. Still, the thought of him hooking up with a freak like Anna bothered me enormously. 

Bruce waved a hand in the air. “Every little girl wants to be her father’s princess and have his full attention. I can’t explain it more simply than that, and since you two don’t seem to enjoy my long explanations we’ll just leave it at that.”

“Yeah, but I’m with Cia twenty-four/seven; how is half an hour going to hurt?”

“You really don’t get it,” Bruce said and sighed. “Maybe Cia can explain it so you understand.” He turned to me. “Cia, how would you feel if Gabriel went and had sex with Therese or Anna?”

All the emotions from yesterday came back like a wave about to crush me.

“He can screw whomever he pleases,” I sneered and left, knowing that if I spoke another word my voice would betray how hurt I felt.

I hurried off and went back to get my canvas, pencils, and my colors. Anna had already lost interest in her dog and had moved on, but I still didn’t want to stay. I would paint my picture in the cabin where I could be alone… well, almost alone. 

⦓∞
⦔

Gabriel

“See, she just said it, she doesn’t care if I have sex with others.”

Bruce closed his eyes for a moment.

“Please tell me that you’re not that stupid, G. I know you saw the pain on her face.”

I shrugged. “I believe she made it perfectly clear that for all she cares I can go screw any other woman.”

“Evidently, you were only listening to her words, but you know that is only a small part of communication, right?”

“Right.” I didn’t tell him that my desire to be with Anna or Therese had little to do with them and everything to do with Cia. She was a woman, I was a man and we were sleeping in a small bed. I needed to direct my libido in another direction… soon.

“You have to remember that you’re not Gabriel. You’re her father. As her father, would you seek a sexual relationship when your little girl was in need of your full attention?”

I kicked a stone on the ground. “Maybe I could wait until she sleeps. She always sleeps early; that way she wouldn’t have to know,” I said and found my plan both considerate and clever.

Bruce shook his head. “I know we’re asking a lot of you and you got thrown into this; but your niece has no trust in men due to your brother’s neglect, and you honestly seem more interested in getting laid than anything else.”

“Hey, you try being abroad for a year with no access to women,” I said with annoyance.

“You’re barking up the wrong tree if you’re looking for sympathy. I’ve lived in this place for nine years and only go into town a few times a month for practical reasons. I can’t have intimate relationships with my clients or staff, so you do the math and see who has it worse.”

Gabriel gaped. “How do you do it, man?”

Bruce laughed. “That’s not important. But Cia is, and when you flirt with other women or talk about them in front of her, you’re hurting her. You have eleven days left to show her that she’s worthy of a man’s full attention. Do you think you can put your own needs aside and give her that gift?”

I nodded slowly and mentally cursed this situation.

“You better find your daughter before she gets in trouble,” Bruce said. “She is only six, remember.”

I puffed out air and got up from the swing to go find Cia.

When I found her, she was at our cabin, painting. It was too soon to tell what the painting would look like but since she was occupied I asked if she would mind my taking a shower.

“But you already took one a few hours ago,” she said.

“Yeah, but I’m feeling tired and sometimes a shower helps me wake up,” I lied. I couldn’t tell her that I hadn’t been able to jerk off for days and that I needed a little privacy. It’s not that I can’t go a day without it, I just prefer not to; and besides, I just read an article stating that frequent ejaculation reduces the risk of prostate cancer. I’m all about prevention.

So there I was, in the shower - thinking dirty thoughts about a scenario too close to incest for me to ever admit it – when I heard shouting voices.

I turned off the water, grabbed a towel, and flew out the door.

Anna was standing inside our room with the door open and Mark outside. Anna was shouting at Cia, who looked small in comparison to the angry woman.

I don’t know what came over me; I would have sworn I would never attack a woman, but I pushed Anna back harshly and got in front of Cia. “What the hell is your problem? Don’t come in here shouting at my girl,” I said angrily.

Anna pointed at me. “I have a right to shout when your little missy got us kicked out.”

“You got kicked out because you took your little freak show too far,” I said and opened my arms wide to shield Cia.

“We’re not the freaks. Unlike her, we’re not here for mental help,” Anna lashed out at Cia.

I turned into a roaring lion and pushed her again. “Get the fuck out of here and don’t ever let me see you near my niece.”

Mark stepped closer and called for Anna. He and I exchanged an arctic glance but he was wise enough not to challenge me. As I stood practically naked with only a hand holding a towel in front of me, he could see my ripped body, and tribal tattoos. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to pick a fight with me either and especially not when I was in this mood.

The two of them left the cabin and with adrenaline still pumping through me I turned to Cia. “Are you all right?”

She lifted her gaze to look at me and opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

I took a step closer and used my free hand to cup her face. “Are you okay?”

She nodded slowly. “I don’t know what impresses me the most,” she muttered. “That you came to defend me or that you came naked.”

“I have a towel,” I said and looked down.

“But I was standing behind you and you were butt naked.” There was a faint smile on her face.

“I’m sorry – do you want me to call Bruce for some emergency therapy in case the sight of my naked ass has caused you a severe trauma?” I joked.

“No, I’ll just pretend that you really are my father and that it’s perfectly natural to see your naked body.”

“Good plan,” I walked over and leaned on the doorframe watching Anna and Mark get in their car. “They’re leaving,” I said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

“Good, I didn’t like them,” Cia commented and moved to stand next to me. When their car backed out and drove off she looked up at me.

“Thank you.”

The expression of deep gratitude in her green eyes made me feel like a champ and I inclined my head to her. “Anytime, precious. I’m here for you.”

I let the words hang in the air and walked back into the shower to finish what I had started, and this time the image of large green eyes looking at me like I was a freaking hero made me come quickly.

CHAPTER 10

The Bonfire

Cia

Three days later I had progressed to being nine years old and was dressed in what a nine-year-old girl would probably consider a beautiful princess dress. It was puffy and hideous, with a big bow and the most horrid pale pink color that reminded me of piglets. Gabriel and I had already had a lot of fun on that account. 

In the evening we had a bonfire, and I was terrified of getting too close to the fire considering the amount of synthetic material I was wrapped in. One spark and I would go up in flames like a fake Christmas tree.

I was so afraid that I didn’t even want to make my own s’mores, something I had secretly dreamed of since I was a kid. As always, Gabriel came to my rescue and made me as many s’mores as I could eat.

I noticed the new guy was still in his baby jumper and felt sorry for him when his mom fed him. I had only been a baby for a day… he had been here six days and hadn’t progressed. On the first day, he hadn’t left his room; on the second I had seen him shortly and he’d looked like crap. I hadn’t seen him talk to anyone except his mom and the staff, but with the angry scowl on his face he wasn’t the easiest person to approach.

I sympathized with him, knowing that I would be angry too, if I was still a baby. I totally pitied him for the way he looked at the s’mores with longing, because I remembered eating a banana while everyone else had chocolate cake on my first night here.

I went to talk to him, hoping that maybe I could cheer him up a bit. “Hey, how are you holding up?” I asked in a friendly way.

His mom gave me a smile but he didn’t seem too happy about my attention.

I tried a bit of humor. “I was dressed like a bee myself a week ago… if you’re lucky you can progress to being pink cotton candy tomorrow.”

“Gee thanks, that would be something to look forward to,” he said and looked away.

“Here,” I whispered and sneaked half a s’more into his hand. “Don’t let the mad scientist see it, okay?”

He didn’t talk or even acknowledge what was in his hand, and I moved back to sit with Gabriel, who patted his lap. “Come sit here,” he said.

Considering that I was a walking fire hazard, and that I had already been carried around, bathed, and tucked into bed by this big guy, it actually felt rather natural and safe to cuddle up in his lap.

“Oink, oink,” he grunted and smiled.

“Hey, be nice to your little piglet.” 

He pulled me closer and laughed. “Don’t worry, Miss Piggy, I’ll protect you from any mean frogs or big bad wolves.”

“I’m not so sure, you aren’t a big bad wolf yourself,” I said and laughed.

“Don’t be silly. If you’re a piglet and I’m your dad, that would make me a big boar.” The fire lit up his face and gave his eyes a mischievous sparkle. “A big
wild
boar, that is.”

“Oh yeah, and what did you do with my mamma pig?”

Gabriel made a bad imitation of sadness. “I’m afraid my beloved sow ran off with another boar who was younger and more handsome.”

I played along and gave a pout. “No one is more handsome than you, Daddy,” I teased and ended with a grunt myself.

  We broke into laughter and a feel good vibe spread through my body. As I sat, sandwiched in between Gabriel’s warm body and the heat from the bonfire, I relaxed against him, resting my head on his shoulder, and when Therese started playing a guitar and others sang along I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel happy for the first time in a long time. I knew it wouldn’t be long before worried thoughts would come knocking again, but this short break felt as refreshing as a week’s holiday.

When we were back in the cabin again, Gabriel brushed my teeth and tucked me in with a goodnight story. I was tired and fell asleep quickly, only partly sensing the kiss he planted on my forehead. 

My dreams that night were vivid, and all centered upon fire. I saw my Hello Kitty burn again; I saw my mom’s crazy eyes as she threatened to burn down the house and me in it. I saw myself burn up, and woke up screaming.

Gabriel wasn’t there. The bed was empty and I called for him, hysterically.

⦓∞
⦔

Gabriel

I kissed Cia on her forehead and rubbed her back until I was sure she was sleeping. This girl was getting under my skin.

I lay awake trying to suppress how good it had felt to have her in my lap and feel her complete trust as she cuddled up against me.

For seven nights I had slept next to her and woken up with her in my arms. It was as certain as the sunrise that during the night we would find each other and when we woke we would be entangled.

I liked it… a bit too much.

We still had another week to go, and I was getting worried that I might do something stupid in my sleep.

Last night I had woken up spooning her, and unseemly thoughts had entered my mind and made me frustrated enough that I got up and went for a run to get control of myself.

I really wanted to give Cia the gift of a man’s full attention like Bruce had asked of me, but I was seriously worried I might end up screwing the whole thing up by offering her the wrong type of attention.

Looking down at Cia sleeping peacefully, I wanted to kiss her, and that’s when I knew I had to do something desperate.

I got up and sneaked out, taking a few minutes to wait just outside the room to make sure Cia was still sleeping, and not calling for me.

When I was sure Cia was fine, I went to the one person who could help me take off some of the pressure. Therese welcomed me into her cabin. We had been flirting for a week and she had invited me over several times.

“What took you so long?” she asked with a charming smile and tossed her long auburn hair back.

I didn’t talk but took a few steps closer and kissed her like the hungry, desperate man I was.

Therese kissed me back. She was beautiful and old enough to understand what this was about.

“Are you on birth control?” I asked.

“No, but I have condoms,” she whispered back.

“I can’t offer you anything serious,” I told her.

“I know,” she said and winked. “I’m cool with that.”

“Good.” I picked her up and carried her the few steps to the bed, where we undressed each other and played around. Therese was fun and uncomplicated. I got what I needed, which was release from the pressure I had felt. I took her twice that night and even though I didn’t intend to, I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake until a sunbeam hit my face.

Cia!
It was the first thought that hit me, and I scrambled out of Therese’s bed and dressed in a hurry.

There wasn’t more than a hundred feet between Therese’s cabin and ours but I still ran, hoping to get there before Cia woke up. When I came close enough to see the porch, I knew I had failed.

Cia sat outside, wrapped in the large blanket from our bed, with eyes red from crying. The disappointment on her face when she saw me tore my heart out.

“Hey, sweetie, what are you doing out here?” I asked in a pretend happy tone.

She looked away.

I took the two steps up and kneeled down in front of her. “I woke early, so I decided on a morning walk,” I lied.

She dried a tear away and still refused to talk to me.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked, knowing the answer full well. “Come on, it’s only six a.m.; we can still catch a few more hours of sleep.” I reached to caress her face and was shocked at how cold she felt. Why hadn’t I noticed how blue her lips were and how she was shivering? My eyes narrowed. “How long have you been sitting out here?”

Her voice shook because her teeth chattered when she answered. “Long en-enough to know your mor-morning walk has lasted more than seven hours and that it en-ended up in Therese’s bed,” she said and tried to get up.

I wanted to help her but she batted my hands away. “Don’t touch me,” she hissed. “I have a pre-pretty good idea where your hands have been and I don-don’t want you to touch me ever again.”

I was angry with myself and knew I had screwed up. I should have been wise and mature enough to just admit it, but I was neither; I fell back on the old “offense is the best defense” and sneered back at her. “Don’t act like a jealous girlfriend, Cia. I have needs you can’t fulfill, and I don’t fucking belong to you.”

She stumbled to her feet, which was hard because of the large blanket from our bed that she was wrapped in. When she finally got up, she staggered down the steps and away from me. I could see her bare feet making imprints in the grass wet with morning dew. 

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” I called after her.

She was crying too hard to answer and looked more like a crazy person walking without direction.

I had no other choice than to run after her and toss her over my shoulder and carry her back into our cabin. I wasn’t going to risk finding her dead from hypothermia in the forest or drowned in some creek later, because she stumbled in that stupid blanket and couldn’t get up by herself.

“I’m not letting you wake up the whole damn camp just because of a stupid misunderstanding,” I told her through gritted teeth and placed her on the bed. “Are you going to be quiet or do I have to muffle you up?”

When she shot me a blazing look of anger and tried to get away from me again, I did something that wasn’t very nice. I immobilized her by sitting astride her and held a hand over her mouth.

“Now you’ll listen to me, Cia, do you understand?”

Her eyes were wide and full of tears. “I need you to calm the fuck down. So I slept with Therese? Get over it – it’s not like I cheated on you or did something criminal. Let’s talk about this like normal people.”

As soon as she quieted down I removed my hand.

“Why were you outside?” I asked with a frown.

She took three deep breaths and I made sure my weight didn’t press down on her. “I had a nightmare and woke up screaming, but you weren’t there. I called for you.”

I rubbed my face. “Fuck, I’m sorry, sugar.”

“I dr-dreamed I was burning up and I nee-needed you,” she said with her teeth still chattering.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated, and the pain in her teary eyes made me feel like the biggest shit in the world. 

I had to do something to warm her up. Not only was her body shivering and her lips blue, but she was cold as ice. I made a resolute choice and started to undress her.

“Don’t,” she said. “I’m s-soo cold.”

“I know, but I’m going to warm you up. I promise.” I pulled my own shirt and pants off and cursed the fact that I hadn’t had time to put my briefs on when I ran out of Therese’s cabin. Still, my body heat would warm her and that was all that mattered. If I had believed she had hypothermia I would have called for an ambulance, but her breathing and her pulse were fine and I could tell that she was just really cold.

“Don’t wa-want you close to m-me, you smell of her,” she stammered.

The shower.
I quickly went to turn the shower on before I returned and picked her up in my arms. She didn’t fight me, so either she understood that I was just trying to help, or she didn’t have the energy to fight.

I stepped into the bathtub and set her gently down on her feet while holding her under the lukewarm shower spray, which would feel warm to her. She just stood there shaking, so I ignored her complaints about my smelling of Therese and pressed her close to me, hoping that the combination of my body heat and the warm water would warm her up faster.

“I’m so sorry,” I muttered and pulled her arms up and placed them around my neck. “Lean on me, sweetie, I got you.”

“No, you do-don’t,” she murmured back. “No one has me.”

Fuck, that stung. For a week I had been the perfect soldier, following all orders and seeing huge progress with her. Last night at the bonfire, she had trusted me and we had been happy. Now I had screwed up by breaking her trust in me, but even if she had been my real kid, I would have still needed a sex life, god damn it. No parent could be that self-sacrificing, could they?”

“Cia, I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you needed me. But I’m here now.”

She didn’t respond but hung onto me with the warm water cascading down her neck and back.

I stroked her hair out of her face and pulled her chin up to look at her. Her lips were less blue and her teeth had stopped chattering. “Hey, how do you feel?”

She blinked a few times. “I’m angry with you.”

“I know.”

“I needed you.”

“I know.”

“You chose her.”

“Noo…” I puffed out air. “I didn’t chose Therese over you, but I couldn’t sleep next to you for another night without…” Okay, so clearly this was one of the situations Bruce had warned me against. My mouth had spoken before my brain raised the alert. I couldn’t tell her the reason I had slept with Therese; that would only freak her out. Especially since we were both naked and pressed against each other.

“Without what?” she asked, still looking up at me.