Black (Clashing Colors Book 1) (16 page)

CHAPTER 12

Facing Tina

Cia

It came as a shock when Bruce told me my mom was on her way. How he had managed to locate and contact her in less than a day, let alone convince her to come all this way to do a therapy session with me, was beyond my comprehension.

I threw a small tantrum out of fear, and Bruce took me on a walk and talk in the forest to help me calm down. Half an hour later, I had told him the same story I told Gabriel about the events that led me to run away.

Bruce didn’t say much, but listened and stroked my shoulder when I cried too much to talk.

He suggested I use the waiting time until she arrived to channel my emotions into my art, and promised over and over that facing my mom was the right thing to do.

I painted a picture of a glass, two pills, and a Coca-Cola bottle and called my painting
Betrayal.

At four o’clock that afternoon, Gabriel came into the cabin. “Your mom has arrived… She’s here,” he said and looked as serious as I was frightened. Luckily he didn’t ask me if I was ready to face her, because my answer would surely have been a big fat “no.” He just took my hand and led me into the main building toward Bruce’s office.

Before we entered he pulled me close and whispered. “I’m here for you. You can do this, precious. Place the blame where it belongs.”

I wanted to say something funny or sarcastic, but my brain was frozen in fear and I would much rather have entered a cave full of bats and spiders than walk into that office.

There was a last moment when we looked deep into each other’s eyes and simultaneously took a long deep breath before Gabriel opened the door.

And there she was.

My mom, sitting in a chair looking straight at me.

I wanted to back away, but Gabriel gently nudged me forward and held out a chair for me.

I sat and kept my gaze fixed on the glass of water in front of me. I had to calm my pounding heart before I found the strength to look at her.

This woman was my mother but I felt no love for her. Only anger and contempt. She was still an attractive woman although she looked older than her thirty-nine years.

Bruce cleared his voice.

“Tina and Darcia, I’m very proud of you both for trusting in me to facilitate this meeting. I want to stress that the desired outcome for this session isn’t to reunite you, although if you choose to do so that is entirely up to you. The goal is to help Cia confront you, Tina, and to find as much peace as she can with her past. You, Tina, have agreed to listen without judgment or interference and you, Cia, will get a chance to have honest answers to any question you might have.”

Tina was looking at Gabriel, who sat beside me and held my hand. Bruce must have noticed it too, because he introduced them. “Tina, before we start I want to introduce you to Gabriel, who is the stepbrother of Cia’s father and has supported Cia throughout her time here at the center. “

Gabriel inclined his head to her, but his gaze was frigid. She nodded back.

“Tina, you asked if you could start by saying a few words to Cia.” He turned to me. “Cia, when your mom talks in a minute I want you to write down her words on the paper in front of you. You don’t need to say anything, just write down as much as you can.”

I grabbed the pen in front of me and focused on the paper. In a way, it was nice that I didn’t have to look at her, I just had to scribble down.

“Go ahead, Tina.”

“Well… Ehhm,” Tina cleared her throat a few times. “What I wanted to say was just that I’m really glad to see you again and that I’ve missed you like… a lot.” She exhaled in a long deep sigh. “I was so happy when Dr. Bruce called me and asked me to help you, because if I can do anything to help you, I will.”

I didn’t look up. 

“I know you probably don’t like me very much,” she continued. “But I want you to know that even though I’m not the best mother, I always loved you and I still do.”

I wrote as fast as I could, putting her words down on paper.

“I want to apologize for all the things that happened in your childhood and especially for blaming you for everything that was wrong in my life. I’m in a much better place now and have stopped drinking… I’m doing a twelve-step program with AA and taking responsibility for my actions, and I would like to ask for your forgiveness and make amends if possible.”

When her words registered I put the pen down and lifted my head to look at her. She looked at me full of hope.

“Is it my turn to talk now?” I asked Bruce through gritted teeth.

“Tina, while Cia talks, you will not interrupt but write down as much as you can. Okay?”

She nodded and picked up the pen in front of her.

My voice shook with anger when I spoke. “I can’t believe you have the nerve to come and
ask
something from me. You say you want to help me, but in reality you’re just here for you. You don’t care one bit about me – you’re just using me like you did when I was a child. And while we’re at it, how is Dennis? Are you still molesting children together?”

Tina looked pale.

Bruce gave her the word and I picked up my pen.

“Dennis left me right after you ran away from home. I don’t know what happened between you two, but if he did something to you, I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry,” I snorted and didn’t wait for Bruce to give me permission to talk. “How dare you make it sound like you weren’t part of the abuse? You gave him blow jobs while he groped me, thinking I was sleeping. You allowed him to cum over my body and didn’t try to stop him.” My voice broke and tears streamed down my face. “You egged him on and got off on seeing him molest me, you sick fuck.” I spit out the last words.

Tina’s lips started quivering. “No, no, honey, you don’t understand.”

“You’re right, I’ll never understand how a mom can betray her own daughter like that. You were going to let him take my virginity the night I ran away. Admit it… he was about to rape me.”

Tina hid her face in her hands and cried, and we all waited for her to calm herself down. Bruce handed her a tissue.

“Tina, feel free to respond, when you’re ready.”

Tina dried her nose. “I was in a bad place and Dennis was so wonderful to me. I was blinded by him and deeply in love with him. That’s why I wasn’t thinking straight and he always knew exactly what to say… he promised you would never know about it and that it wouldn’t hurt you in any way. I believed him and I only egged him on to help you.”

“Bullshit,” Gabriel sputtered but Bruce held out a hand to silence him.

“Go on, Tina, you were saying.”

She blew her nose and reached for another tissue to dry her eyes. “He was completely out of my league and I wanted so bad for him to love me and felt lucky to have someone like him. I think that’s why I ignored the little signs.”

“What signs?” Bruce asked calmly.

Tina sniffled and looked at me. “It started out with small things. I noticed how he looked at you and then he would say your name when we had sex. I tried to tell him I wouldn’t have it, but then, whenever he threatened to leave me, I would get desperate and he would add on a tiny thing that I could do for him. He went from calling me Darcia when we made love to having me call him Daddy and begging him to take his little girl.” She sniffled again. “I hoped that would be enough, and to be honest, I’ve been with men that wanted much worse things than dirty talk, so I didn’t think too much of it, but then he wanted more and in time we had to be in your room where he could see and touch you while I satisfied him. I was so afraid that you would wake up, so I wanted him to get off as fast as possible to leave you alone. That’s why I talked dirty to him… I knew what to say in order to make him come faster, but I did it for you, I promise.”

I looked away.

“Please believe me, darling, I just tried to protect you.”

Gabriel formed a fist and I felt my nostrils flare in anger.

“Were you just trying to
protect me
when you slipped me sleeping pills so he could rape me?”

She gave me a pleading look. “I was desperate, you don’t understand. I had no money, we were being put on the street, and he offered to pay if I would let him have you. It was only going to be that one time.”

I rolled my eyes and angrily dried away a tear that slipped from my eye. “I can’t believe how naïve you are.”

“I was trying to keep a roof over your head.”

“By selling my body.”

Tina opened her mouth to speak, but then she closed it again and sunk lower in her chair.

“It wasn’t like that,” she finally muttered.

“It was
exactly
like that,” I said with conviction.

My words hung in the air for a minute before Bruce spoke again. “Tina, now would be a good time to acknowledge the damage you did and apologize to Cia.”

She couldn’t look me in the eye for more than a split second at a time. “I’m so ashamed,” she said low. “And I’m deeply sorry for what I did to you.”

I figured that while we were at it, I might as well clear off the table. “You burned Hello Kitty,” I said.

“Did I? I don’t remember,” she said quietly.

“That’s because you were drunk. You were always drunk”

“I’m sorry,” she said and kept her gaze down.

“You also didn’t feed me or show me any love. You were a mean drunk.”

“But I did love you and you have to understand how poor we were. I couldn’t afford much.”

“You could afford booze. I survived on school meals and hated the weekends because they meant being hungry and being alone, which was almost better than being with you.”

“I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that,” Tina said and blew her nose again.

Bruce handed her the tissue box and took charge again. “Cia, when you look at your mom now, how do you feel?”

I thought about it. I had been so full of anger and fear when I entered the room, but somehow, over the last thirty minutes, that had changed. I wasn’t afraid of this woman anymore.

“I don’t like her,” I said slowly. “If anything I pity her.”

“Why do you pity her?”

“Maybe because it’s my only alternative to being angry at her. She’s weak and naïve, and she is the worst mom in history. She’s just a pathetic person not worth my time.”

Tina sniffled. 

“Tina, do you think Cia’s words are unfair?” Bruce asked her.

“No,” she said softly. “I understand why she would feel that way.”

“Is there anything else you wish to say to Cia?”

“I just hope that me being here has helped you heal a bit of the damage I’ve caused in your life.”

“And Cia, do you have anything you wish to say to your mom before we end this session?”

“Yes. I want to thank you.” My words surprised her, and even Gabriel turned his head and gave me an incredulous look.

“My friend Violet says that every person serves as either an inspiration or a warning. Because of you I don’t touch alcohol. Because of you I haven’t had sex or gotten pregnant by accident. Because of you I know what kind of mom
not
to be if I ever have children. Watching you has served as the clearest warning, and I’m confident that I’ll
never
be like you.”

Tina sat there and blinked like her eyelashes could somehow protect her from my words. 

I felt an incredible surge of power and liberation as I spoke to the woman whom I had feared and now only pitied. “The best thing I can say about you is that you didn’t get an abortion when you were pregnant with me, and for that I want to thank you too.”

Tina gave me a stifled smile and looked to Bruce who cleared his throat.

“With Cia’s thanks, I think we should close this session, and I want to thank you both for your great work.

Bruce gave a nod to Gabriel. “Will you please stay with Cia while I take Tina to her car?”

“Of course.”

Tina got up and looked at me. Maybe she was hoping to shake my hand or give me a hug, but I gave her a short goodbye and looked away.

As soon as Tina and Bruce had left the room, my shoulders sank and I released a heavy sigh.

Gabriel took my hands and leaned close to me. “I’m so proud of you – you kicked ass.”

My hands were shaking from the built-up adrenaline and I was suddenly a bit lightheaded.

“I did it.” I looked at him. “It’s over.”

“How do you feel?” he asked.

“Good. Surprisingly good… what did you think about the things I said?”

We went over the things that have been said, and Gabriel told me what he had wanted to say and how hard it had been for him to sit still and keep quiet.

When Bruce returned ten minutes later, I was looking through my notes and still discussing my answers and questions with Gabriel. 

“Why did you have me write notes?” I asked Bruce.

He took a seat at the table and started polishing his glasses on his shirt. “Because most people don’t listen very well; they interrupt and are busy thinking about what to respond. Taking notes forces your brain to pay attention. I also know from experience that afterwards you won’t be able to remember much. The notes will help you later if you want to return to the conversation you had with your mom.”