Blimpo: The Third Circle of Heck

ALSO BY DALE E. BASYE

Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go
Rapacia: The Second Circle of Heck

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO
MY DAD, DALE,
WHO—DESPITE HIS COMPLETE LACK OF ORIGINALITY
IN NAMING CHILDREN—TAUGHT ME THAT
A WRITER’S GREATEST TOOL IS STICK—TO—IT—IVENESS,
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU HAPPEN TO BE A FLY
WRITING YOUR MEMOIRS ON FLYPAPER.

FOREWORD

As many believe, there is a place above and a place below. But there are also places in between. Some not quite awfully perfect and others not quite perfectly awful
.

One of these places may seem to some, from the outside, like a big fat joke. But, I assure you, none of the unfortunates trapped within are laughing (unless one of their generous thighs happens to shift in an unfortunately farty way in their chairs)
.

This place—located at the bulging midsection of Heck—is, like so many realms in the underworld (and many above), completely
full of it.
Yet, almost immediately upon arriving, you feel as if you’ve stuffed yourself full of dozens and dozens of empty doughnut holes. That is to say, you’re left with only a sugar-scented vacuum, leaving you hungry for more
.
And, down in this place of ample curves that—ironically—doesn’t grade on a curve, more is in short supply (unless you mean
more
humiliation
, more
insecurity, and
more
exploitation—they’ve got
loads
of that!). Even more of a
good
thing, you’ll find—on the off chance that you actually stumble upon one down here—isn’t necessarily a good thing. Take dimples, for instance. A couple are cute on the cheek, but when they start appearing all over your body, suddenly no one is lining up to pinch you
.

With that in mind, this place called Blimpo is, in and of itself, a recipe for disaster. An insufferable, un-stuffable soufflé so full of itself that it’s only a matter of time before the whole thing collapses
.

The mysterious Powers That Be have stitched this and countless other subjective realities together into a sprawling quilt of space and time
.

Some of these quantum patches may not even seem like places. But they are all around you and go by many names. Some feel like eternity. And some of them actually are eternity, at least for a little while
.