Blissful Surrender (13 page)

Oh, wait. I do know what that feels like. I feel it every single time I see Sean Miller.

I close my eyes and will my mind to stop spinning, then fall asleep with an image of Sean’s deep blue eyes staring at me.

I’m screwed.

Sam

Four days since I walked away from Sean, which funnily enough would make us just about even in ‘walking away’ stakes. Not that I’m keeping track or anything …

I brushed Tanner off over the weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday he wanted to do something. In fact, he shocked the shit out of me when he asked me out to a movie. A chick flick at that! I let him down easy, saying I was wiped out from work and needed an early night. My guilt stabbed at me all night, but I’m not in the wrong here. Tanner has always known what our deal was. Right from the beginning I’d established boundaries and he was happy with that, or he appeared happy with that.

I mean what man wouldn’t be happy with having a woman who’s happy with just regular, okay
very
regular non-committal sex and does not, in any way shape or form, want a relationship? My job is my partner. Okay, it doesn’t keep me warm at night, nor does it give me love, but Tanner takes care of the nights. As for love, I had it once and it ripped my heart out. I was the instigator of the break up, but when I’d realized my mistake, Sean had moved on. Looking back, I’ve recognized how big of an idiot I was to listen to my mother’s opinion on Sean and my relationship with him. I took something that was built on love and trust and decimated it within mere moments with words that were not my own.

Back then, my doubts about being a submissive or even just submissive to Sean, had always lingered. Sticking at the back of my mind as our relationship progressed from that amazing first date to where we were at the time I broke up with him a year later.

As he explained to me early on, he liked having control during sex. He was not a hard core Dominant, but it was an important aspect of him that I would need to accept if we were to move forward in our relationship. In the beginning, in that glorious honeymoon period where you can’t get enough of each other, where you can’t stop touching, kissing and making love to each other, Sean eased me into his ‘way’ of doing things. It was such a heady feeling to give myself to him. It made me feel fulfilled, complete even. In a life where I’d only ever had my mom and the soldiers on the Army base where we lived as role models, I was somewhat exhilarating to have a man want to take care of me the way that Sean did. He cherished me, protected me, looked out for me.

The sex was AMAZING. I’d been with two men before him and there was no comparison. It was like he was the sun and they had been Uranus. I kid you not, the sex was out of this world. But with a mother that raised me the way she did, I always wondered if I was giving a part of myself up when I was with him, a part that was given willingly and without thought.

As natural as breathing.

The day I broke up with him was the most devastating day of my life, but at the time I felt it was necessary.

It was after Sean met my mom for the first time. To say it didn’t go well is an understatement. Mom had all but dismissed him from the get go. We arrived late which is something that my mother never appreciated from anyone, but when it was from her daughter’s boyfriend it was unforgivable. Then Sean ordered my meal for me and spent the meal with his arm hooked around the back of my chair, things that were natural for us and I actually loved but Mom saw those things differently.

Later that night, when I was in my dorm and called her as requested, she made her unimpressed opinion of Sean very clear.

“Samantha, that boy may be nice, but you are losing yourself to him and that is unacceptable.”

Mom, that is a bit unfair. You spent no more than an hour with him.”

“I didn’t need any more than five minutes to see that the boy is dominating your relationship. No future pairing should be built on an uneven foundation, and what you have with Sean is as crooked as a dog’s hind leg. Your father abandoned us the minute you were born, Samantha, and because I was weak, I nearly crumbled. You must stay strong and clear-minded. That man is older than you, headed into a very stressful, powerful career and you’re already downtrodden. Get out and end it now.”

“He’s not like that, Mom. He’s—”

“He’s domineering, controlling, and disrespectful. You do not need a man like that.”

“No! I will not end my relationship with Sean just because you have the wrong idea about him.”

“I think you’re not hearing me right, young lady. I said you need to end it with him. He is not the right kind of man for you. You need someone who will honor you, support you, and turn up early to the lunch where he’s about to meet your mother for the first time. Richards women are no subservient or submissive. We’re equal with our men. I wasn’t with your father, but I’ve learned from that mistake. I just don’t want you to make the same misguided choices that I made.”

“I—”

“No, Samantha. It’s simple. Clean break. Do it now before things get more serious.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“No thinking required. Clean break, no harm done. Now, I must go. Early flight in the morning.”

“Okay, Mom. It was nice seeing you.”

“Call me when you’ve sorted it out, Samantha. I want better for you.”

Later that night when Sean rang me, I’d already been in bed for an hour and was emotionally spent. I blew him off by feigning a headache and promised to catch up with him the next day.

My mother and her toxic opinion of men had successfully fed my doubts about Sean and my relationship. I knew that when I talked to him about it, he would try reasoning with me, but I didn’t need handling or psychoanalyzing. All my life I’d been handled in one way or another. What I needed was time and space to think things through.

But I didn’t get time and space, and that may just be why things ended the way they did.

On Saturday morning, I receive a call over the radio saying that I have lunch waiting for me at the precinct. Confused but intrigued, Zander and I make our way back to base and walk in to see a bunch of the most beautiful yellow sunflowers I have ever seen on the front desk. Beside the bouquet is a takeaway coffee, a chicken Caesar salad, and a spiced apple muffin.

I think I died and went to heaven in my first bite of that muffin. Of course, there was no note but the desk sergeant told me that a nicely dressed, very handsome man had delivered it and asked that I be told it was there. I didn’t need confirmation to know who it was from.

During finals in college, when I was working myself to the bone studying, Sean would stop by with a coffee and a muffin. Of course, I returned the favor by giving him head under his desk, which would lead to him pulling me up from my knees and bending me over said desk … 

You get the point.

The smirk on Zander’s face is infuriating. “An admirer, Sam?”

“Like you can talk, Roberts. You go pansy faced whenever your girl sends you a text.”

His eyes widen slightly before he shakes his head at me, but not before I miss the slight blush of his cheeks. “Anyway, we eating or what?” he asked before heading toward the break room. I chuckle as I follow behind him.

I place the flowers in a cup of water so that they’ll last my shift, then put the food on the table and grab my cell from my pocket with the intention of sending a short, sweet text to say thank you.

Me:
Hey, it’s Sam. I’m guessing the early morning lunch and flower delivery was from you?

Sean:
Good guess, Samantha. I want to see you again. We need to clear up last night’s miscommunication.

Me:
No need. Thank you for the lunch and flowers, they’re beautiful. Totally unnecessary.

Sean:
Nothing is unnecessary when it comes to you. Let me know when I can see you again.

Holy fuck! I couldn’t respond to that. If there was such a thing as being stunned text-less, that was me.

Sean texts me every night, asking how my day was and reminiscing about specific events in our past. It’s disconcerting and thrilling at the same time, like traveling on a roller coaster through time but knowing that the only direction this could go is down, but I can’t help myself. It has been nice to reconnect with him. He has asked me to meet with him again, but I’ve been a coward, continuing to offer up excuses as to why I can’t see him again.

Texting seems less threatening than a phone call. Don’t get me wrong, I still totally overanalyze his words and the meaning behind them and agonize over my replies, but it
is
getting easier. I’m trying to quell the feelings for him that I sense are resurfacing. Honestly, I don’t know that I can be the woman he wants, not full time anyway. I admitted to myself a long time ago that although I’m sexually submissive, I’m not into the hardcore kinky shit. I like being restrained, controlled, used by the man I’m with, but it needs to be in the right moment and with the right man. Tanner is not that man, and neither were the few one night stands I’ve had since Sean.

Remember I said he’d ruined me for other men?

Despite his Saturday delivery last week, and our text conversations since, I’m still the same coward who can’t admit she was and is still wrong. It’s always been my biggest fault, and with Sean I have more than just the date and my behavior during it to apologize for. How do you say, “Oh, by the way, I’m sorry I fucked up first time around and ruined something fucking awesome between us. Forgive me?”

If only it were that easy.