Blood Instinct (9 page)

S
ophia took
her place cross-legged on the boulder less than fifteen feet from the edge of the subterranean river.

Oblivious to her presence, Jask pounded against the powerful current, his lithe back dimly lit by the shards of the remaining grey daylight seeping through intermittent grates above.

Since growing closer to the pack, she’d learned the importance of water to their routine – especially with regards to both tempering and soothing their lycanthropy during the lunar cycle. And from the way Jask was working against the flow, he was in need of both.

It added further weight to what she had suspected that morning. She wasn’t adverse to rough play, but there had always been the safety net of knowing Jask sensed where to draw the line physically. But for that short time, it had been as if he’d forgotten she was human. More so, his approach had had more of a raw edge than she’d experienced before. To add to it, there’d been the way he’d gripped her arm in the communal shower room.

But both times he had backed away. Because ultimately no one had self-control like Jask did.

Her
Jask; Jask who had stood by her when she’d been at her worst. Now this was his difficult time – and she wasn’t going to turn her back on him when he needed her.

She’d felt bad enough storming out of the shower room. Almost four hours later, she still felt sick to her stomach that she had left it that way. The flutters of unease and regret had intensified after she’d overheard that he was back from the compound. The fact he had yet to check on her had further reinforced her unease that they shouldn’t have left it the way they had.

There was a time when she would have dug her heels in and suffered in silence rather than face the indignity of being the first to approach, the fear of rejection initiating her first line of defence: to avoid any situation that could lead to her feeling any worse about herself than she already did. But having also overheard that things were not good back at the compound, and that Jask would soon be heading back out, she knew she couldn’t let him go before at least attempting to bridge the gap.

There was no way she could do it leaving things the way they were between them. She needed to talk to him. She needed to explain.

Jask stood upright in the shadows and put his weight on his back leg to keep his balance against the current as he swept back his hair, the water rushing past at mid-chest height. He wiped the back of his hand across his mouth before glancing across at her.

Water dripped from him as he turned to face her, droplets sliding down his chest as he squeezed the water from his hair.

The breath at the back of her throat snagged as he ploughed through the water towards her, the contours of his honed body a reminder of the power behind it, of the strength that, for a short while that morning, had reminded her it wasn’t simply a man she was dealing with.

Despite becoming more aware of the dark cavern around them, down a tunnel out of earshot from the main bunker, she quickly brushed her concerns aside, becoming more determined to do so as Jask placed his knee on the water’s edge before using his fists to hoist his naked self out.

As his feet landed gracefully on the edge of the rock, her snag of anxiety was immediately replaced with a simmer of anticipation.

‘Keeping the beast under control?’ she asked.

Despite her attempt to make light of the situation, she wanted to curl up and die the second the words left her mouth.

But to her relief, Jask smiled. ‘Just about.’

He drew level with her and gave her the once-over, a hint of light catching the vibrancy of his azure eyes.

‘At least I
was
,’ he declared, reaching for the towel beside her.

Another smile was further assurance that things were still okay between them, making it easy for her to reciprocate.

But she couldn’t sustain it. ‘I overheard things aren’t great back at the compound.’

She wished he’d come to see her rather than head off alone to pound it out with the current. She wished he’d felt able to come and talk to her.

He dried his shoulders and chest before wrapping the towel around his waist. ‘Blue moons have always made Quinn ill but this one is killing him.’

‘What about the meds? He was one of the four who took them, wasn’t he? And on time?’

The look in his eyes said it all.

‘The bastards,’ she hissed. ‘
Why
?’

‘I don’t know. All I know is there’s fuck all I can do about it.’

She hated the frustration in his eyes, the resentment in his tone. She had no doubt his sense of helplessness was fuelling his drive to head straight back out and feel useful helping his pack.

‘Is there anything any of us can do?’ she asked. ‘What about Jessie? What about her tears? Her blood even?’

‘It’s not like using it on humans, Phia. It’s not like fighting a disease or an injury – whether temporarily with angel blood or permanently with angel tears.’

‘But the reaction to the lunar cycle is an allergy.’

‘Lycanthropy is also part of who we are. It’s in our DNA. Eradicate the lycanthropy and you may as well rip a malfunctioning heart out of someone and expect them still to live.’

‘So what happens to him now?’

‘We’ll hold on as long as we can. There’s a chance –
always
a chance – that his body will get the upper hand and he’ll start to improve.’ Jask sat beside her. Bare feet on the ground, elbows on his knees, he bent forward. ‘We need to stay positive.’

The compulsion to touch him was overwhelming.

She slid her hand up his back, his firm skin smooth and cool beneath her palm. She rubbed her thumb just beneath his shoulder blade. ‘I came to say I’m sorry about earlier. About going off on one like that.’

‘I wish you’d come to me about it, Phia.’

‘I really didn’t think there was any point. But I shouldn’t have stormed out. You don’t need me behaving like a petulant child on top of everything else. You’ve got enough to deal with.’

He turned his head slightly to meet her gaze, his azure eyes now darker in the shadows. ‘I do get where you’re coming from.’

‘Then can we talk? When you get back?’

He frowned. ‘It sounds as if we need to talk now.’

She parted her lips to speak, but she couldn’t work out where to start.

Instead she ran her hands through her hair with a heavy sigh. She eased herself to the edge of the rock, placed her feet on the ground and rested her elbows on her knees to mirror him.

‘Thinking Leila’s full of pipe dreams isn’t the only reason I didn’t tell you.’

But further words clogged in her throat. She was trying so hard to get better at it. Trying so hard to let him into what really mattered, to allow herself to be vulnerable in front of him.

‘Phia?’ he asked after a few seconds of silence.

As she glanced across her shoulder at him, she saw his frown had deepened enough for her to know she wasn’t going to be able to walk away now.

‘I was worried you’d want it,’ she eventually forced herself to explain.

He frowned again. ‘Want what?’

‘For me to lose my serrynity.’

He raised his eyebrows a fraction.

‘I was worried about…’ Her heart pounded to the point she felt light-headed. She growled in frustration as she looked to the ground, grasping her hair again. ‘How can I spout mouthfuls of meaningless verbal diarrhoea at the drop of a hat and the second I really have something to say I turn into some kind of mute?’

‘I’m guessing it’s because whatever you’re trying to say really matters to you – and I’m listening, Phia.’

She looked across at him. She stared deep into his eyes, eyes she had come to trust with her feelings more than she would have thought possible.

‘I know Leila came back in to talk to you after I left,’ she said.

‘And I told her I understood where you were coming from. That you’re scared of it happening again: of feeling responsible if anything happens to her, just like you did with your mother. I told you: I get it. Just like I get why you think it’s impossible Caleb will give us what we need.’

‘And what do you think?’

‘I know I don’t trust him, Phia. The one thing I did agree with Leila on this morning is that he’s a game player through and through.’

‘So you’re not going to go ahead and do this without me? You’re not going to send her in there without my consent?’

‘I’ll be honest with you, Phia – if I thought there was a chance, I’d be trying to persuade you into letting us take it. But Caleb agreeing to this despite knowing he’d be lessening his odds? I don’t buy it enough to take the risk.’

She felt like she’d offloaded a heavy weight.

He tucked her hair behind the ear nearest to him before resting his fingers on her cheek and turning her head towards him so she had to look at him fully.

‘So no more stressing about this, okay? I know how awkward things get between us when those defences are on maximum alert. And no more secrets either.’

But despite him bringing the conversation to a conclusion, she was far from finished. All he’d done was give her the courage to ask the question she needed answered.

Her mouth turned dry, her pulse throbbing. ‘But how did you feel when she said it? When you thought it was an option?’

The long pause did nothing to abate her unease.

‘Honestly?’ he said. ‘I’m not sure. She talked about freeing you from this curse, Phia.’

Her stomach churned at his response, at what it could mean for them. She glanced to the ground before looking back at him.

‘I don’t want you to want me to change, Jask. I don’t want to be caught between losing this for you and sending my sister back in there. I don’t want…’ She paused before forcing herself to say it. ‘I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want it in your head. I don’t want you to be disappointed to find you’re stuck with me the way I am. I want you to still want me
despite
what I am.’

His eyes searched hers. ‘You’re worried about me
rejecting
you?’

She studied the intensity of his gaze before she broke away again, uncomfortable to hear her neediness spoken aloud; that her ‘take me or leave me’ attitude was transparent for what it was: the deepest fear of rejection.

‘I never said that,’ she replied, unable to curb her defensiveness.

He caught the side of her face once more; forced her to meet his gaze again under the light pressure of his insistent fingers. ‘You are though, aren’t you?’

‘Jask, I’m not oblivious. I’ve been with your pack for over a week now. I’ve seen how you are with them. I see every day how you are with Tuly and now with Honey and the rest of the young. You’re sacrificing so much being with me.’

‘I knew it. It was when Leila mentioned family, wasn’t it?’ His fingers spanned the underside of her jaw again. ‘Phia, you have to get your head around this: I love you for who you are, not for what you can give me. I fell in love with you knowing the full story. I’m with you because I want to be with
you
. I
had
a family. And I still have a family: I have the pack. And now I have you too. Why do you not see that as enough for me?’

‘But it’s not just that, is it? You’re going to have to live with more than me: you have to live with the serryn too. You heard what Leila said: do you really believe you can deal with it? Is it fair even to ask you?’

‘Hey,’ he said, his frown deepening again. ‘I’m not having that talk come from your lips. As I keep telling you, we’ll deal with things as we come to them.’

‘But you saw what I was like with Kane. I had no control over that. If this is just the beginning…’ She looked out at the blackened water before meeting Jask’s gaze again. ‘What if Leila’s right? What if this is it? What if the honeymoon is over? What if the best is already behind us? What if I do put you in danger? Or the pack? What if I’m being selfish even trying to be with you?’

‘Shit, Phia. What the fuck has been running through your head these past twenty-four hours?’

‘Too much,’ she said honestly. ‘Like what if this is our only shot for me to lose it and I throw it away?’

The words fell straight from her heart, her uttering them adding to the weight of their implication.

Jask’s eyes narrowed slightly. ‘You thought
I
’
d
be tempted because
you
were, weren’t you?’

She instantly looked to the ground, her eyes tearing up as he said what she hadn’t dared face: that she
had
considered putting her sister on the line for the sake of her own future. Of putting all of them on the line for the sake of a future that might never even come into fruition as a result of one single, self-serving decision.

He thumbed the back of her neck with a touch tender enough to melt her. ‘Phia?’

‘How could I not consider it?’ She looked back at him. ‘I didn’t ask for this, Jask. I didn’t ask to have this growing inside of me, threatening to tear us apart one day. A month ago, even two weeks ago, I would have embraced it – the thought of being so powerful against vampires, of being some kick-ass heroine able to bring them down. Once I even fantasised about finding one for The Alliance’s cause. And then I met you. And… And everything changed.’

Her throat constricted, causing her breaths to scratch.

‘I’ve tried to pretend it’ll be okay,’ she said. ‘To focus on the here and now like you keep telling me to. I mean, shit, we might not even make it far enough to be worrying about it. Why would I want to spend the last few days with you wondering about what might or might not be? But then along came Leila with talk of being able to free me from this; to give us a chance. It’s like being handed a present with all your dreams inside but being told that, if you accept it, someone you love will suffer. Because how can I even think of putting my sister on the line, of putting all of us on the line, for something I believe is impossible? I can’t handle torturing myself thinking of what might be.’

‘Which is why this has to stop. Now.’

‘But now it’s in your head, what if you grow to resent me for it? You’re something special, Jask. You’re something really special. So yes, I’m scared of you rejecting me because I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone else like you. I wouldn’t want anyone again if I lost you. Is that honest enough?’