Bloody Acquisitions (Fred Book 3) (10 page)

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Authors: Drew Hayes

Tags: #undeath and taxes, #fred the vampire, #Vampires, #paranormal, #the utterly uninteresting and unadventurous tales of fred the vampire accountant, #vampire humor, #paranormal satire, #vampire satire

BOOK: Bloody Acquisitions (Fred Book 3)
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We were taken through one of the doors near the back of the station, which led to a staircase. This wasn’t a small set that took us a basement, however. These were slick, worn, and went on for so long that not even I could see the bottom, which was not a common occurrence. All us of proceeded down, Leeroy in the lead, followed by Sable, then Albert, then me, with Arch bringing up the rear. While some neurotic part of me wondered if he was taking the back position in case we were threatened from behind, the more logical part of me had a hunch that it was because these steps were a little slippery, and if anyone went tumbling, they’d take his smaller frame down with them.

It was impossible to gauge how far down we’d gone by the time we reached the bottom. I only knew that I wasn’t too worried about stray beams of sunlight getting in anymore. Leeroy yanked a lever near the bottom of the stairs, and a new set of bulbs flickered on, hung at irregular intervals through the rough corridors sprawled out before us. They seemed to twist and turn in all directions, but Leeroy didn’t hesitate as he continued on, taking us through one turn after another until we arrived at our destination.

The cavern was vast—by underground measures, at any rate. It was roughly half the size of a football field, with a domed ceiling that rose twenty feet in the air. A small rack of weaponry—swords and maces and the like—was set up at the end furthest from the entrance. Halfway between the rack and the way in were what looked an awful lot like benches etched into the very stone of the cavern.

“No way this is natural.” I didn’t mean to say the words out loud, but the sound of Leeroy’s chuckle informed me of my slip-up.

“You hit the nail on the head,” he said, grabbing me by the shoulder and leading me over to the benches while Arch took Albert and Sable toward the middle of the cavern. “Artificially carved, save for a few of the tunnels near the entrances that were used as a starting point.”

“Was this made for the town?”

Leeroy gave his large head a mighty shake. “Other way around. Part of why we picked this spot was because these tunnels were here. They were originally home to . . . well, maybe you’re happier not knowing. Something that had to be rooted out. Anyway, the Agency doesn’t forget about useful assets, especially when all they need is a few light bulbs and minor remodeling to be made livable.”

“Prudent, and cost-efficient,” I noted.

“Doesn’t matter where you go in the world, governments are always looking to pinch their pennies as hard as possible,” Leeroy said. We arrived at the stone bench and took our seats while Arch continued instructing Albert and Sable. I didn’t entirely grasp what he was telling them; all I could discern was that he kept moving their arms and legs to slightly different angles than where they’d been. My best guess was that this was some sort of stance advice, though I confess that even that assumption was predicated on watching a cornucopia of action movies.

“This will be interesting.” Leeroy was watching the same spectacle I was, but he didn’t seem nearly as befuddled by what was going on. “Not even I’ve gotten to watch a sparring match between weapons of destiny in a long while. They always put on a good show.”

I was going to ask what he meant, but before the words could form in my mouth, Arch had backed up and the match had commenced. After that moment, the question was no longer necessary. I understood exactly what made their tussle interesting.

 

 

5.

 

Neither Albert nor Sable were attempting to injure the other. Their movements were slow and deliberate. This seemed to be about control more than anything else, as their respective weapons would draw near to the other’s flesh without ever touching it. The sword and axe did clash, however, as each used their respective tool to block the incoming strikes. It was those moments that made this different from any battle I’d ever seen, in cinema or reality.

When the blades of two weapons of destiny collided, they sent ripples out through the world. I realize that sounds as though I’m saying there were flashes of light and waves of sound, which there were, but please understand that there was also something more. At every clash, the very world around them seemed to warp and distort. It was for less than a second, and if not for my vampire eyes, I doubt I would have even seen it. Yet it was undeniably there. Like stones across a lake, these two weapons would ripple through everything around them as they made contact.

“As much as I would like to trust Arch not to put anyone in danger . . . is that safe?”

“Safe is a relative term in our world,” Leeroy replied. “If you mean, ‘are they guaranteed that nothing will go wrong,’ then the answer is no. One of them could slip and lop the other’s head off, or they could cause a tear that turns them into slugs. Neither is likely, mind you, just possible. But if you mean, ‘is this safer than them never having the experience until they fight an unfriendly weapon and get caught off guard,’ then I’d have to say yes. Education is always safer than ignorance.”

He had me there, although I did scoot further back in my seat at the word “slug.” We sat in silence for some while after that, watching his deputy and my assistant trade blows, halted occasionally by Arch scurrying in and moving someone’s foot or elbow. It was strange to see Albert wielding a blade, all the more so because he actually seemed competent with it. If there was anyone less inclined to violence in the world than me, it was Albert. His avoidance wasn’t from cowardice, however. The young man just genuinely seemed too soft-hearted to hurt anyone. I’d only seen him swing that sword one time with intent, and it was when Neil’s life was on the line.

“Krystal tells me you two might be hunting for a house around here soon.” I started at the voice, having grown so engrossed in the fight that I forgot Leeroy was sitting next to me. His eyes had turned away from the match. Now, they were taking me in with careful observation, which made my slight jump all the more embarrassing.

“It’s in discussion,” I told him. “She clearly loves it here, and my current home may not be as safe as it once was. Plus, your town does seem quite idyllic.”

“Don’t let her rose-colored glasses fool you. We get our share of problems same as anyone else,” Leeroy replied. “The Agency likes to dump the more problematic potential recruits here for training. Sometimes it works out fine, like with Krystal and Nax, but not every parahuman with power and attitude problems ends up on the straight and narrow. I’ve got two deputies for a reason.”

“Still seems safer than a town where hostile, territorial vampires are moving in.” I hadn’t actually intended to spill my problems to the sheriff, but if Krystal had told him that we might be moving, it seemed a fair bet she’d also let him know why. Since he didn’t seem at all surprised by my statement, my hunch appeared to be right on the money.

“That does look a little worrying,” Leeroy agreed. “But let me ask you this, Fred. As a businessman, if you were to move to Boarback, what is one of the very first things you’d do?”

While there was a laundry list of answers to that question, it was clear Leeroy was angling for something specific. I took my time, thinking through every step in moving my business, and almost immediately, I realized what he was trying to say. “I’d look into any other accounting firms in Boarback.”

“Because you were planning to kill them?” Leeroy squinted at me in a way that only police seem to be capable of, like they’re joking, but don’t want to let on that they’re joking in case you’re willing to accidentally incriminate yourself. If you’ve ever been pulled over for speeding, then you know the exact look I’m talking about.

“Of course not. Because they would be my competition, and the more I understand about them, the better prepared I’ll be. I’d need to know what services they offer, and more importantly, what they don’t offer, as well as what failings they have that might entice their customers to look my way. It’s the basics of business.” His point was obvious; however, there was one glaring flaw in the comparison. “I don’t think these vampires are trying to start their own accounting firms, though.”

“No, they’re trying to move into a territory with a strong therian presence, an ancient dragon, two agents, and a fellow vampire who’s allegedly made alliances with all those powerful people. That sound like a hospitable place to you? It’s a big country, you know. Plenty of spots with easier pickings. Why do you think these vampires are coming to your town, fully aware that they’ll be under the scrutiny of much more dangerous beings?” Leeroy turned back to the watch the fight; evidently, he didn’t expect me to come up with an answer anytime soon.

“Because it’s safe.” I caught a bit of surprise in his eyes as Leeroy glanced at me, but kept on going. Now that the pieces were starting to line up in my head, I couldn’t keep them from tumbling out. “Yes, Winslow is very dangerous if you’re the sort of parahuman who breaks the law, but the flip side is that all those therians, and agents, and Gideon mean that if you keep to the treaties, then you don’t have a lot to fear. A few months ago, a therian tribe tried to overthrow Richard, and they were crushed in a single night.” Actually, they’d been wiped out completely, but I preferred not to think about that part. Not that I, or anyone else, could have saved them. They attacked the King of the West directly, and no one stops Gideon when he’s moved to anger.

“A tribe tried to take over Richard’s spot, huh? Because they just wanted it so bad?”

“No, they were driven . . . out . . . of their home.” I’d forgotten about that detail, amidst all the kidnappings and overthrow attempts. “Are you saying these vampires are refugees fleeing from something?”

Leeroy leaned back, pressing his bulk against the stone wall. “I’m saying there are a lot of ways for a territory to get taken. Maybe you cut off a food source, or drive the locals into a frenzy, or compromise people’s safety at home. And if you’re smart, you can do it just legal enough to keep the law off you, be they agents or cops. Wouldn’t be the first time one group of parahumans has tried to expand their holdings by pushing all the others out. Course, shit like that won’t fly in a well-organized town like the one watched over by Gideon. Dragons are damn fine negotiators; the rules they play by are different than everyone else’s. He doesn’t need to wait for the law.”

It made sense, looking at it from that angle. But there was still one glaring flaw in the hypothesis that I couldn’t get past. “Krystal would know about that, if it were the case. She wouldn’t feel the need to worry about me.”

“Because every fear is always rooted in rational thought and logic?” Leeroy lifted an eyebrow at me and shook his head. “Krystal Jenkins is a good person, a tough lady, and one of the better agents I’ve gotten to train in a long time. That said, she is absolutely terrified of losing people once she lets them in. Can’t blame her, given her history, but it clouds her judgment sometimes. I’m not going to say these vampires have pure-hearted intentions; they might very well want to put you under the boot or leave your head out to meet the sun. But then again, they may just be trying to make sure you won’t have them all slaughtered by your therian friends for stepping on your turf.”

“I highly doubt Richard would kill a clan of vampires for me, no matter how much I saved him on his taxes,” I said.

“But
they
don’t know that,” Leeroy countered. “All they know is that this is a town with a lot of powerful people, and some vampire is allegedly connected to most of them. It would be bad business for them not to try and figure out who that is before they get in too deep. Whether it’s to kill him or ask him for help is up for discussion; either way, asking about every vampire they know of is the prudent move.”

“Well, this certainly made the situation more complicated.” I let my head fall back, feeling the impact against the hard stone even though there was no accompanying sense of pain. “I expected you to try and sell me on moving here, since it’s what Krystal wants.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Boarback could use someone with your skills to help audit the books, and I’m sure you’d save my citizens a pretty penny come tax time. Not to mention, I’d love to have Krystal around again. But there’s a reason she didn’t settle down here before. The lady likes chaos, even on her downtime, and we’ve only got that in spurts around here. If she comes back, I’d rather it be because she’s reached a point where this is the right town for her.”

A loud clang filled the air, dragging our attention to the sparring match. Albert was on a knee with his sword held high, Sable’s axe pressed against it. Apparently, he’d just stopped a strong blow, as evidenced both by their position on the ground and the fact that a small portion of the rock around them had suddenly turned to glass. Arch let out a whistle and they backed away from each other, seeming to notice for the first time the effect their attack had had on their surroundings.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what would you do in my shoes?” I realized that Leeroy and I were in totally different leagues as far as our power went—just shaking his hand had driven that message home loud and clear—but he’d shown an adept mind and offered good perspective, so I was genuinely curious to get his opinion.

“Guess it depends,” he said. “The old me would just crush them before they even got a foothold, kill off all the leaders and put the rest to work under my rule. New me would probably just let them be until they stepped out of line, at which point, I’d try to make an example of a few and hope the rest took the message. You’re not me, though, even aside from the undead thing. You’ve got to figure out what the right move for you is.”

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