Bloody Acquisitions (Fred Book 3) (9 page)

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Authors: Drew Hayes

Tags: #undeath and taxes, #fred the vampire, #Vampires, #paranormal, #the utterly uninteresting and unadventurous tales of fred the vampire accountant, #vampire humor, #paranormal satire, #vampire satire

BOOK: Bloody Acquisitions (Fred Book 3)
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The deodorant paused, all the confirmation I needed, then she let out a sigh and finished applying. Putting the cap back on the white chalky stick, she faced me, a rare solemn expression on her face. “This is a good town, Fred. Lots of parahumans with businesses who could use a talented accountant. Internet to let you work with your old clients. Nice, quiet people who want what you’ve always wanted: a normal, peaceful life.”

“And no hunters suddenly showing up to try and kill me,” I added.

“You think that’s why I’m trying to sell you on Boarback? Fred, that guy was a chump. If you’d had to, you could have taken him apart. He’s not—” Her words halted, and she looked away from me, just for a few seconds. “You know the vampire who made you, Quinn, was a real rat bastard, right?”

“Seeing as he tried to kill all of us and successfully ripped your throat out, I won’t be jumping to his aid anytime soon,” I said.

“Well, it turns out that he was also a real, territorial rat bastard. The reason we’ve seen so little vampire activity in Winslow is because it was considered Quinn’s, and he didn’t like to share. But word got out that he finally went too far and stepped against the Agency, so now he’s on the run. That means other vampires have begun moving back in, retaking the territory that Quinn used to hold. Places like Winslow.” Krystal walked over to the pants she’d traveled in and began digging through the pockets.

“I don’t understand, is that why you want me to relocate? Fear of other vampires? You’ve gone out of your way to tell me that we’re not all bad, that you work with several who are good people. Why does more vampires coming to town automatically make you want to hide me away?”

“Plenty of vampires
are
decent people,” Krystal replied, finally locating her phone and yanking it out from the pocket it was lodged in. “But you know who usually aren’t? The ones who go around seizing another vampire’s territory after he goes on the lamb. Those are the ambitious types, and they play by the belief that if you aren’t with them, you’re against them. The rumor mill worked its magic, and now lots of people know there’s another vampire in Winslow, Colorado, one who has pulled off a whole lot of impressive stuff. That’s the sort of situation where the new vamps either have to make you join, or get you out of the picture.”

“Wait, you think they’ll kill me just for living in my own town?” My voice may have leapt up a few degrees on that one. I’d gotten used to the idea that the parahuman world was a less restrained one than what humans dealt with, but offing someone just because they lived in a town you were moving to seemed a bit extreme.

“Most likely, they’d compel you to join, but you’re a smart guy. You can probably beat them at the strategy game. So then, they’ll wait for an opportunity to use a loophole in the treaties, one that lets them take offense with you. After that, they can challenge you for honor, and if you happen to die in the process, then so be it.” Krystal held her phone tightly, the edges of her fingers beginning to turn white from force. “I’ve seen it happen before. And if they do it, Freddy, then I can’t protect you. I’m an agent, and that means I have to work within the laws and treaties. I’ll have to stand there and just . . . watch.”

Moving slowly, I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a small kiss on the top of her head. Tough as Krystal was, powerful as the monster inside made her, I knew she’d said early goodbyes to too many loved ones in her life.

“That’s a lot of ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes,’” I told her. “While I’m not exactly thrilled about new vampires moving to town, we don’t know that I’ll be a target. What the vampire people are gossiping about might be something, but I’m just an accountant. There’s a good chance they won’t even care about me.”

“Not as good as you think.” Krystal turned on her phone, the glow lighting her face from below, and made a few swipes before finding what she was looking for. Stepping back from my embrace, she handed me the phone, which I picked up slowly. “That request was put in the night you met Lillian. Came less than an hour after we’d picked you up.”

Before me was an e-mail, from an address that was unrecognizable, alerting Agent Jenkins that her romantic partner, Fredrick Fletcher, had been named in a formal information request between the House of Turva and Richard Alderson. It mentioned a lot of things I didn’t understand, negotiation dates and reference numbers, but those details were irrelevant. What mattered was my name, and the people who wanted to know more about me.

“You’re on their radar,” Krystal said, likely reading the comprehension on my face. “And sooner or later, that’s a thing that will require dealing with. Richard’s a friend, and he’s not going to tell them anything you wouldn’t want known, but you run a public business, Freddy. It won’t take much to learn who you are and where you live. Maybe it’s idle curiosity, maybe they want some taxes done, but not everyone is as kind-hearted as you. I’ve seen these things turn before, and if they’re handled carefully enough, then we agents don’t have any recourse.”

I sat down on the bed, my own body suddenly feeling very heavy. “I can’t just leave town, though. What about our friends?”

“Albert and Neil can come with us.” Krystal sat down next to me, gently taking her phone out of my hands. “This is where Arch wanted to bring them in the first place. Plenty of space and time to train, plus a fellow weapon-wielder to spar with. Bubba and Amy would stay in Winslow—he’s been climbing the ladder with Richard, and she’s too deeply rooted to just up and leave—but they’d still be able to visit us. Amy’s wares alone could sell enough to justify the trip.”

“Us?” I stopped staring at my empty hand and faced Krystal, who was only a few inches away. “You said us. Does that mean you’d come, too?”

“You know how my job works; it doesn’t matter much where I call home. And I’m already packed up anyway. Plus, I love Boarback. I wouldn’t mind coming home to it at the end of my missions, especially if my boyfriend was already here waiting for me.” Krystal leaned in closer, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “I was going to ease you into this, Freddy, not come on right away with the hard sell. We’ve got a day and a half left here, so just think it over. Take the town in; imagine what it would be like to live here. That’s all I’m asking.”

“I’ll keep an open mind.” I kissed her, partly out of affection, partly because I genuinely had no idea what else to say. Krystal made good points, and if she thought there was reason to worry, then I had no doubt there was. Still, Winslow was my home, and while I’ve never been ashamed to admit that I am a coward by nature, the idea of being forced out of my town left a hard pit in my stomach.

But that feeling was nothing compared to the wave of nerves that washed over me when I imagined an entire clan of vampires, all of them Quinn in my head, discussing exactly how to deal with a vampire already operating on their turf.

 

 

4.

 

By the time we’d composed ourselves and made it downstairs, the others were already waiting, so we cut a quick pace to the diner. Though I asked, and everyone agreed it had once had a more formal name, the moniker had been lost somewhere in the sands of time. For as long as anyone could remember, it was just “the diner,” and when we arrived, I found those simple words written at the top of the laminated menus. With the yellow-painted walls and over-stuffed red booths, it could have easily fit in off any highway exit in America, save for the staff and clientele.

Since arriving at the sheriff’s office, I’d somewhat forgotten the spectacle of driving down Sunshine Lane and seeing all the different parahumans out and about. But the realization of just how far out of normal bounds we were came rushing back the moment our waitress slithered over to us. That was not creative language, by the way. Our waitress, Yenny (as she introduced herself), was a fairly normal-looking woman with brown hair and eyes a pale shade of orange. She wore a yellow shirt with white trim that matched the restaurant’s walls, and nothing else. I don’t mean to imply anything lude, it’s simply that Yenny’s bottom half was that of a bright orange snake’s tail.

Mercifully, I wasn’t the only one who was a bit surprised, as Neil wouldn’t quit staring and Albert dropped his menu to the floor as soon as he saw her. Yenny took it surprisingly well, glossing over their shock with warm greetings, and then getting down to the business of what we’d be eating.

Ordering was a quick affair. Leeroy declared that the chicken fried steak was the best thing to be had, and he was seconded by Krystal, Nax, and Sable. With no point of reference for anything else, and a keen eye that noticed some of the menu items were clearly designed for parahumans rather than mundane palettes (unless raw sparrow eggs and powdered coal were delicacies I’d somehow missed), it made sense to trust the group consensus.

In spite of the heavy burden weighing on my mind, dinner was an enjoyable affair. Periodically, new parahumans would get up from their seats or walk in, which gave us peeks at the creatures we’d never laid eyes on before. Leeroy entertained the whole table with stories of the town’s history and the various incidents he’d been called on to help with over the years. I’d never considered the possibility that a troll could hibernate, grow, and end up stuck under a bridge, but as Leeroy recounted having to borrow farm equipment to get the fellow unstuck, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. Even Arch chuckled a few times, when he wasn’t outside taking his cigarettes.

I would also be remiss if I glossed over the food, which was incredible. Chicken fried steak was hardly a new cuisine for me—nor most anyone, I’d imagine—but sometimes the simplest dishes are the best when every element is handled perfectly. From the first bite of spiced meat, crisp crust, and decadent gravy, I understood why Leeroy had insisted we not miss this special. I would have bitten through a hundred dirty tires for a meal like that, and once again, I was grateful I had retained my taste buds despite being undead.

The experience as a whole was oddly serene, at least for me. Ever since reconnecting with Krystal at our high school reunion, I’d been drawn progressively deeper and deeper into the parahuman world. And while many of those experiences helped me meet important people in my life, they also all tended to be fraught with chaos, if not outright peril. So somewhere in my brain, I suppose I had made the connection that the more parahumans one was around, the more hectic and dangerous things would be. But here we were, eating chicken fried steak an hour before dawn, in a town filled almost exclusively with other parahumans, and it was one of the more peaceful moments of my last few years. It didn’t even feel like we were all vampires and zombies and other inhuman species. It just felt like sitting around with a bunch of friends.

By the time the food was eaten and we were heading back to the inn to beat the sun, I’d begun to consider the possibility that living in Boarback could have its merits. True, one meal did not a happy life make, but I’d promised to keep an open mind, and it was hard to deny that the town did have a charm all its own. I was so lost in thought, and in observation of the people walking up and down Sunshine Lane, that I didn’t even hear Arch speak. Krystal nudged me in the ribs, and I turned to find the vertically challenged agent staring at me, clearly waiting for a response.

“Sorry, what was that?”

Arch didn’t roll his eyes, yet somehow, he still gave off the same feeling as if he had. “I was letting you know that I’m going to be borrowing Albert and Sable for a training session while those who need it grab a nap. Since you don’t need sleep, I offered to let you come along and watch. Though, at the moment, I’m rethinking the wisdom of that decision.”

“I’d love to, but . . .” I glanced up at the sky, which was already growing gray as the stars faded, declaring retreat against the overwhelming forces of daytime.

“This place is underground,” Arch assured me. “Sunlight restrictions aside, it’s more prudent to have a training facility away from prying eyes. Despite how Mayberry this place might look, it was founded as a sanctuary, and nobody knows the importance of a place to hide like parahumans.”

Arch’s reference to Mayberry caught me off guard, although it shouldn’t have. I often forgot that though he looked comparable in age to Neil and Albert, he’d been alive for at least a century, or so I guessed from what I’d gotten through context. He never discussed his exact age, and I made a point not to pry where agents were concerned.

“I like to think of it more as a place to shelter while problems are handled,” Leeroy added. “But it works just fine for sparring grounds and a gym these days.”

After a moment’s consideration, I nodded. “Sure, I’ll tag along. I’d like to see as much of Boarback as possible. That’s what I’m here for.” I gave Krystal a quick kiss, which she used as an opportunity to show approval of my choice by squeezing my, um, rear, and then bid farewell as she and Neil began heading up to the Bristle Inn.

“I’ll show you all down there.” Leeroy headed toward the police station, while I marveled at the fact that he hadn’t said “y’all,” despite the rustic surroundings. The sheriff of Boarback might live here, but he definitely didn’t hail from this region of the world. Then again, with how long some parahumans lived, it was entirely possible that the place he’d called home didn’t exist anymore. Countries fell all the time, back in the older days of history.

Nax walked with us to the station, then peeled off as he proclaimed that “someone had to be on duty,” and that, by process of elimination, that was him. Duty didn’t seem that bad, though, as he immediately went to his desk in the middle of the room and kicked up his feet, eyes on the old television in the corner.

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