BOMAW 1-3 (65 page)

"What's wrong?" He asked, enclosing her within both of his arms as he braced against the kitchen counter, pinning her in place with her back against the counter as she tried not to look into his eyes. She had her right hand gripping his left forehand, trying to push it to free herself. He wasn't moving, she wasn't even going to try to get past him, neither did she feel like ducking beneath his arm so she finally looked up at him.

"Will you let me out?" She asked tiredly.

"What's wrong with you?" He repeated keeping her there before him.

"Shawn... can I keep something to myself for once? Why do you have to know everything that's going on in my head?! Sometimes I want to share it, sometimes I don't."

"What is wrong with us sharing everything? If there is something that keeps you from me, I want to know what it is. I'm gonna be your husband, you're gonna be my wife-..."

"You don't have to keep telling me that. I know - okay - everyday I wake up - that day is coming closer and closer. There's no need for you to keep reminding me."

Shawn leaned there staring into her eyes, hurt by her words, stunned that she could be so callous concerning something that he couldn't help but look forward to. His mind was working, thinking, he refused to move, to free her from the counter. "What are you afraid of? Why are you afraid? I mean, you are in love with me aren't you? Don't you want this?"

Sylvia laid her head back stretching her slender neck before him, she felt her body grow weak, wanting to sink to her knees, she so badly wished to be left alone. She felt as if he were smothering her. No matter how fast she moved to adjust, he wanted her to adjust faster, now! His speed. She whimpered. "Shawn please... just leave me alone. Why is that so hard for you to do? We're engaged, I'm wearing your ring. I'm pregnant with your child, and I have temporary custody of your other one. I've met your family, our marriage is right around the corner, and now - you're moving in... be happy Shawn... you've got things just the way you want them."

He went silent again, this time for so long Sylvia had to look at him, look into his eyes. She knew the way she sounded to him, but there was so much starting to build up around her now since their whole relationship began, she felt as if she had no control over anything in her life any more.

"You're not in love with me are you? You really aren't."

"Shawn! Don't start! I do... I am - in love with you."

"Then what's this about? I'm trying to make things right. I'm trying to make everything happen in a way that you can be happy with. Yet - you're not happy. It must be me."

"Shawn! Listen to me..." Sylvia took a deep breath trying to think, trying to find the words to use to make him understand. "Look... my plans were different from this. I guess, it's just that - well - I'm trying to let it all go. I mean... I get a bit irritated because here it is - another day - I haven't written a thing. Do you know that I haven't done any of my writing for over two weeks now. Nothing... I don't have time anymore. I'm suddenly smack dab right in the middle of a family again. I'm suddenly right back, to putting everything I've always wanted to do... to the back burner again. I went from making all the necessary sacrifices, and putting my children's needs first, and getting my life in order so that when they left, I could then do what I've always wanted to do. Armundo died, and I was left alone. I got used to it. I became independent and realized, now was my time. Then here you come, grinning and turning my perfect world upside down." She sighed. "I was ... I was content... and.... now... once again... I can't go back. I can't undo what - you've done to my life."

"I thought I made you happy Sylvia?" He asked it so pitifully she melted.

"You doooo... its just that - see, that's why I didn't want to tell you!" She snapped irritated. "Leave me alone and let me work it out in my head. Sometimes, there are things wrong, that I feel I need to fix myself... I may not always share what's wrong with me, with you, to fix it for me, and because of that... I try not to tell you. This situation is my problem and I have to make it right for me." She said, only she knew the double meaning to it all.

"Surely you can't expect me to ignore that there's something wrong with my wife? I can't help wanting to know. When I see you like this, it makes me feel that you regret being with me. That you're sorry you ever let me into your life. That you're sorry I got you pregnant, and sorry that your life is now totally off from what you planned.
That
- going through my head, makes me feel that this is all about me, what I want and not about you, about what you want. Basically... you scare me Sylvia. I can't help but feel that you are going to discover somewhere along the way, that you don't want me or what I'm trying to build for us." He admitted with his heart pounding, all he wanted was Sylvia. Sylvia to be happy, Sylvia to laugh, Sylvia to smile, Sylvia to want what he wanted, Sylvia to love him just as much as he loved her.

Sylvia inhaled and let it out slowly.

"Shawn... I know that I can't go back to how I use to be...not now... you've made a mark on my life that cannot be ignored." She said.

"Well thanks Sylvia... thanks a lot, boy does that feel good to know." He complained sarcastically.

"Oh come on Shawn... I don't mean it the way it comes out. I mean, I can't imagine going forward without you now."

"I hope to GOD that you can't! I know what my life was before I had you. I'm trying to do things right for you Sylvia, I swear to God I am. I'll tell you what. Now that Angela and I can be together in the same house and I can be alone with her, we'll leave you to yourself for a while. And... and I'll give you a whole day if you need it. To be alone, to write, whatever it is you need to do. Or - or maybe an hour or two everyday... that will be your time... how's that?"

"And when the baby comes? Then what?"

"No different. I'll take the baby, Angela and we'll get out of your hair for two hours a day. Whatever you feel you need."

Sylvia felt like a heal, that old fashioned sense of being a wife and mother kicked up, and she just could not bring herself to put it all on him. She knew she had to accept the change that was taking place in her life. "Oh Shawn. That's so nice of you, but I know better. You're not going to be able to keep that up every day with having to meet with your deadlines. With all that we have to get done. Let's just... agree on a give and take when needed. I know that now I have to go back to scheduling my time. We'll work together because I don't want this to turn out always one sided, with you having to adjust to make me happy. I know I need to let go... not of everything... but some things. Just my knowing that you're willing to give me the time I need when I need it, is good enough right now... okay?"

"You sure?"

"Yes...I'm sure. Just give me some time to deal with it all okay? Stop overreacting to my mood swings. Sometimes I may go down a bit, but I can usually pick myself up out of it."

He pulled her to him and hugged her. "Just as long as I know that you love me. I can deal with the mood swings... just... just never leave me Sylvia... that's all I ask."

She hugged him back tightly, her face pressed against his chest, "I'll always love you, as much as you love me, that's what I promise." She declared. He held her tightly as he signed wondering how in the hell did he ever get hold of such a woman as Sylvia Payne? Never in his life had he to work so to keep a woman, if things didn't go his way, he usually just walked away. It had usually been the women who worked hard to keep him, who regretted doing anything to turn him off. Holding her, he knew it was not the same... Sylvia would sooner tell him to kiss her ass before she begged him. He knew that she loved him, but she would not give him the satisfaction of obtaining her very soul. He knew it was a terrible thought, but that's what he wanted... her very soul... because she sure as hell had his.

Sylvia held onto him, knowing of course what she explained was only part of the problem. Jake was the other part. She was just glad to be home, feeling her heart speed up as Shawn kissed her forehead and lowered himself to kiss her mouth. With her eyes closed, she tested what she knew about her man, no doubt now that it was him who kissed her. She knew her Shawn. This was the kiss that stirred her, not the one that Jake had forced on her the second night at Shawn's parents.

She'd been so happy and carefree, letting Shanna and Meribel talk her into playing twilight hide and seek. They'd all been having such a good time, dancing by the bon fire, laughing and joking until she let her guard down after spending the day avoiding him like the plague. The entire family was out in the yard except for Shawn's parents who were on the front porch, talking and enjoying the evening, laughing at their antics when the siblings and grandchildren initiated the game. She had said she didn't wish to play, but they talked her into it. An area was charted out, and no one could hide beyond it's perimeter. Shawn had whispered in her ear that he was going to find her in her hiding place and have his wicked way with her, she'd laughed and taunted, "No way." She'd dashed quickly away from him and made a few circles to lose him, thanks to Angela distracting him, it worked. She'd made her way into the dark vehicle barn, hiding in a corner behind one of the four-wheelers. Someone else had entered, and was moving towards her. Laughing to herself, she fought to stay quiet, wondering how was it that he found her so quickly. Then she heard him very softly whisper, "Where are you?" It had sounded so much like Shawn. Giggling she'd whispered back, "You'll have to find me." Looking forward to him finding her, she'd stayed put, snickering and laughing as he stumbled and fumbled around to find her. She had been unable to see him, but she'd heard him as he'd made his way to her, the moment he'd felt around locating her, he'd pinned her against the wall and his mouth was on hers in an instant. A powerfully aggressive kiss that shocked her, because from the moment he'd pressed against her, she knew. This was not Shawn kissing her. Panicking, Sylvia shoved at him with all of her might, but he clung, trying to press his body against hers, holding her to him as he ravaged her mouth. She twisted her face away, and began slapping at him.

"Stop it Jake! Let me go!" She hissed angrily, hitting him and struggling to break free.

"Please... come on come on now... give me just a little kiss-..."

She slapped him as hard as she could, mis-judging his height - it was just a clip on the chin, but enough for him to know she meant it. He let her go and stepped aside laughing at her as she rushed from the building, as far from him as she could get. She went straight to his parent's front porch, slowing down to get control of her rioting emotions, she didn't want anyone to see her shaking as she calmed herself once she was in view of them.

"Sylvia, you okay?" His mother asked noticing the look on her face. Sylvia forced a smile, breathless, unable to speak, she nodded an affirmative then turned and sat on the steps before them. "Given up on the game already hm?" Shawn's father had asked. Sylvia nodded again, then forced herself to speak. "Yeah... it's too dark, can't see. I don't like playing in the dark." She returned. Yes, she knew Shawn. Didn't matter how dark, didn't matter if she couldn't see. She knew how he felt. Knew the smell of him, the scent of him, the height and size of him. She knew his moves, how he would touch her, hold her, kiss her. When kissed by him, she knew the taste of him. She placed her arms up over his shoulders and went to her tip toes to kiss him more deeply, more passionately, forcing Jakes bold act from her mind.

Angela stood in the hallway corner relieved, watching them, she couldn't bear the thought of them not making it. When they were arguing, it had shaken her. She decided she would do her part, she never wanted Sylvia regretting letting her come to live with them. Angela loved it there. She loved her father's family, and Sylvia was the nicest lady she'd ever met. She could ask for no one better as a stepmother. Smiling, she backed away into her room to finish arranging it before dinner, leaving them kissing in the kitchen. She had small pangs of conscience when it came to her mother. She realized that she should be missing her but she didn't. When she had been with her, there were many days that went by when she wouldn't see her because she was working, out doing whatever. To come home when she was about to get into bed, then she would come in, check on her, awkwardly trying to find something for them to talk about. Yet with Sylvia, since she'd been with her, all they did was talk and laugh. They did things together. Sylvia showed her how to keep up her room and explained why it was important that she learned to do it for herself. They went through catalogs discussing and planning how they would decorate her room. She told her funny stories about her kids, about her daughter Crystal and her son, Mundo. she couldn't wait to meet them, and to meet her grandsons. Sylvia even let her help cook dinner, showing her what to do, and how to do it. Sylvia let her plan their whole weeks menu, explaining that it had to be healthy and nutritious for all - but she could choose what they had for lunch and dinner. Tomorrow, they were going grocery shopping to get all the things they would need to cook the menu she planned. Sylvia also said if she ended up living with them permanently, she could have a dog, her father had also agreed - Angela never wanted to leave her new home.

That night, they both came in the room with her after she showered, put on her night clothes and climbed into bed. Her dad sat next to her, and Sylvia at the end of the bed.

"Don't you think before you hit the sack for the night, you should maybe call your mom, see how she's doing?" Shawn asked. Angela looked at Sylvia as if she expected her to be offended by that.