Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (3 page)

Getting back to Vivien Leigh, the more I researched her life, the angrier I became. It is common knowledge that she suffered from mental depression. She went through a series of shock treatments and was labeled manic/depressive. Sir Lawrence Olivier finally left her twenty plus years into their marriage saying he could no longer deal with her mental state. It seems to fit the prototype of so many of our own marriages. Some biographers attribute her depression to her tuberculosis, as explained away by some medical practitioners. I guess back in the 1950’s and 1960’s, the medical field wasn’t aware of the mentally debilitating state of straight wives married to gay men. I’m sure there were not any support groups around for women in this position.

It is interesting that so many of the women I hear from and work with are also taking medication for depression. Even more interesting is the fact that none of them are suffering from tuberculosis. Rather, they are depressed because they feel like they are failures in their lives and marriages. They cannot please their husbands no matter how hard they try, and they place the blame on themselves. Even after they know the real problem in their marriage, they continue to be depressed internalizing the blame. We may rationalize intellectually it is not our fault, but on some level, our intellect is clouded by irrational emotional feelings of responsibility.

If Vivien Leigh were alive today, no doubt she would have much greater support in her struggle to understand why her marriage failed, why she was depressed, and why she was a normal woman with normal sexual desires. The love of her life went on to marry some other love in his life after the marriage ended. How that marriage worked out is a mystery.

So the next time you see a movie with Vivien Leigh, realize that we hold a common bond with her. Let her serve as an example of what can happen to a woman when she lives her life in a maze of distortion. And let us also learn from her tragedy and seek professional help to put our lives on track lest we end up spending wasted years on medications that don’t change the source of our unhappiness.

“AND TALKING ABOUT SEXUALITY”…

I won’t tiptoe around the subject. I know that sometimes it takes a while before women are able to discuss this sensitive issue. Eventually it comes to the forefront, but sometimes it is too painful or embarrassing an issue to discuss one on one or even in a group. Therefore, I will write this to the many of you who think about it, but are too afraid to talk about it.

In my book, “The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder,” I have a checklist for the prototype of woman that gay men seek out. Sometimes it is a conscious search; other times it is an unconscious choice. But there does seem to be a list that most of us fit in to.

The majority of women whom I hear from fit into the category of “women with limited sexual experience.” I can usually spot these women quickly because they send me similar letters. They write that they thought their sexual relationship with their gay husband was satisfactory or satisfying. Usually they add in that is fine when they have “sex”---it just doesn’t happen very often. It makes me so sad that women think that the sexual acts they have had with their gay husbands is, well, for lack of a better term, “REAL SEX.” Gay husband egos aside, it is satisfactory sex, or perhaps functionary sex. But real true passion—well, it’s just not.

Truth be told—I know the difference. Not only did I have a gay husband, I also had a couple of gay boyfriends in my younger years. We did “it,” but “it” always left something to be desired. My exhusband Michael wasn’t bad on those occasions when we had sex. But it always seemed like he had to try so hard—almost forced—after the honeymoon was over. And there’s nothing to deflate your ego more than thinking that a man is doing you a favor by making love to you—especially a man who loves you.

I called Michael last week and asked him if he could think back to the days when we were sexually involved prior to and shortly after the marriage. I told him that I needed his honest, objective opinion about our sex life together. Did he really enjoy it? Did he look forward to it? Was it a hardship for him? He told me that in the beginning, he actually did enjoy it. Having sex with me was working toward his goal of getting married and having a family. He was hoping that I would be the solution to his fantasy of the American dream.

He still did not consider himself gay at that point although he had already had numerous gay sexual encounters. But he felt that he was straight because he never had an emotional entanglement with these guys. There was no kissing, hugging or intimacy—it was just sex. I hear that from many gay men who cross over the line to the straight side for a while. They are not trying to fool us—they are trying to fool Mother Nature. Or they are hoping that Mother Nature has been playing a joke on them because they are able to perform with a woman to some degree. Michael was certainly adequate enough as a lover to fool me. It was never a great sex life, but it was a good sex life for the first few months. There was nothing that out of whack that would make me suspicious that he was gay.

Now, all these years later, I am happy to say that I could definitely tell the difference. This is due to the love of an exceptional man who entered my life seven and a half years ago. It wasn’t love at first sight on his part, but it was on mine. After chasing him for 16 months, he gave in and we began what I define as the love affair of my life. We’ve had some bumpy moments in our relationship, but this is due to the fact that he is a man and I am a woman. You know how men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. One road that has never been bumpy is our sex life. After seven and a half years, it is still top of the line. He is playful and passionate. He aims to please because he gets satisfaction out of pleasing me—and it turns him on instead of off. Every encounter is an adventure. We don’t have sex—we make love. This is perhaps the real difference. Making love to someone is an important way of expressing love. Wanting to please your partner before pleasing yourself is the most unselfish form of showing love. Making sure that your partner is satisfied shows the real nature of giving love. I have come to enjoy new aspects of lovemaking that I never dreamt existed. And I don’t have to scheme about how I can have him make love to me. He is always ready, able, and willing to go. We are a middle-aged couple whose sex life is continually peaking.

This man makes me feel as if I am the most desirable woman in the world.

He hasn’t noticed that I am fat yet because his love for me blinds him to my imperfections. I haven’t noticed that he’s not Steven Segal yet because in my eyes, that’s whom he looks like. Maybe our lives are like the movie “The Enchanted Cottage”, where two people appear physically to each other only to be what they see in each other, even if no one else can see it. But isn’t that what true love really is?

They say that sex is the part of the relationship that takes the least amount of time. Maybe that’s so. But it is such an important part of a relationship because it creates intimacy, closeness, and trust. A healthy sexual relationship builds a sense of self-esteem in a woman because the woman feels desirable. For me, it gives us an added treasure to look forward to and cherish several times a week. In between, it brings us closer with holding, touching, and caressing as a sort of after-math. This keeps our love alive and flourishing.

Am I bragging? Well, sort of. But I am not doing it to make anyone jealous—but rather to make a point. There is hope for every woman whose sexual esteem has been broken and battered much like mine was. It took me 11 years to open my heart to love or sex after my marriage. I felt so deflated as a woman and as a sex partner. I was content living in a state of celibacy and suppressing that side of my human need.

I was out there looking for a while before my soul mate came floating into my life. During that period, I met lots of men while looking for love. I had some short-term relationships and even a few shorter encounters. I was ready to awaken the side of me that had died years before during my marriage. I was awkward at first because it had been so long. But when the right moment came, I took advantage of it. I know I wasn’t at my best at first because I was so nervous, but I certainly enjoyed the passion of a straight man. It felt so nice to have someone want to fulfill that need and do it happily instead of feeling like I was forcing him. It wasn’t perfect the first time or even the tenth time, but it kept getting better as I started gaining back my sexual confidence. Yes, it is scary starting this side of life over again, but it is so worth it. All women are born with sexuality. Women who are married to gay men have had that side suppressed or deadened by their spouse. We just learn to give up on that part of us and to bury it thinking that this is the natural course of marriage or a relationship. Please know that it can be revived and brought back to life.

My soul mate has never called me a “nymphomaniac.” That’s because I’m not. I never was. I am just a normal woman with very normal sexual needs. Over the past seven and a half years, he has cultivated my sexuality and taught me that I can reach new heights of enjoyment. It is easy to keep me sexually interested because my partner never allows our sex life to become boring or mundane. He is a straight man—a straight man who appreciates a straight woman. Let this be a lesson for all of you. Never give up the part of you that helps maintain your identity as a woman. Give yourself a chance to be loved again. Look for your soul mate because chances are, he is out there looking for you.

“GET OVER IT”

Another problem that many women write to me about is the pressure they get from family members or friends to “get over it” when it comes to recovery from their marriages. They can’t understand why they are having such trouble doing this, and they feel even more inadequate (as if we need more to feel worse about) because it just isn’t happening as quickly as other people.

I get upset when I hear this pressure expressed from women who are really trying to move past their anger and hurt but not at the pace that others expect of them. After all, marriages fall apart all of the time. In fact, almost 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce. People start over again and find new relationships. Why are you having such a hard time?

What other people don’t realize is that there are numerous issues that we have to deal with after a marriage to a gay spouse ends. Some of these issues are unique and unlike those that women with straight husbands face. We have to figure out what to say to the children and when to tell them; we also have to decide what to tell family, friends, and co-workers. We live in a world where people still don’t understand about a gay husband and fear the ridicule we will face from them. There are many very ignorant people out there. Even in this day and age, people say, “What did you do to make him gay? After all, he wasn’t gay when he married you.”

We have to rebuild our own self-esteem, which has been sorely damaged through these marriages by not only feeling the failure of a marriage, but also wondering how much of a lie we were living. We have to rebuild our sense of trust within our own decision-making processes knowing that we walked blindly into a situation where we were so misled. Most of us have lost or never had the feeling of what real intimacy means in a relationship. We have difficulty trusting men again and trusting our own ability not to walk into this situation one more time. And this is a genuine fear that many women express—”It happened to me once. How do I know the next man I get involved with won’t be gay?” After all, why couldn’t we tell the first time around? This is confirmed by the ignorance of others who insist that we “must have known but married him anyway because we thought we could change him.”

There are other complications as well. There are those women who still feel some sense of responsibility for their husbands’ homosexuality. They are convinced that they played some part in their husbands turning to men.

That’s because some gay husbands are cruel enough to say that to them rather than take the responsibility for the truth.

We have to deal with our own feelings of homophobia. Even if we understood homosexuality in general terms, it took a whole new meaning when it entered our marriages and ruined our hopes and dreams for our futures with our husbands. We have to deal with our own feelings about our husbands bringing lovers into the lives of our children and how that will affect our children emotionally. We have to fear how other people will treat our children if they find out. And of course, we now have to contend with the possibility that our children will be gay because this is a new reality.

Certainly straight marriages that end go through emotional upset and turmoil. We have to go through those same problems, such as single parenthood, financial problems, selling the home, and legal tangles. But in addition, we are forced to deal with all the additional issues stated above. This is a double whammy that just doesn’t end when a marriage ends.

So, the next time someone tells you to “Get over it,” don’t feel that there’s something wrong with you. Just smile and say, “Someday I will.” Take the time that you need to rebuild your strength. Gay Spouse Recovery takes time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time. Eventually things will equal out, but some scars are bound to remain. And that’s okay. We are not machines that can just wipe away the emotional impact, nor should anyone tell you how you should feel after this disaster.

OCTOBER 2001

FACING OUR FEARS OF DEALING WITH A GAY HUSBAND

In my last newsletter, I promised that I would address the most common fears women have when they are finally able to accept that they are married to a gay man. These are the same fears I had when I learned about my husband. I think that the fear of the unknown is much more difficult to deal with than the truth. These questions are painful, but they need to be discussed to alleviate some of your irrational worries and help you understand your rational ones.

Q. If my husband is gay, will my children be gay?