Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (6 page)

If there is counseling to be had, it needs to be counseling to build up self-esteem and independence of the wife so that she can make the right decision to leave the marriage. Women in these marriages are often emotionally broken and lack the ability to believe in themselves. In these cases, finding a good therapist to help you regain your confidence and courage can be very important. But the direction of the counseling needs to be one of moving ahead, not staying stuck in an unhealthy situation and seeing how you can make it work.

Another word of caution—if you are not connecting to a therapist, end it early and keep seeking someone that you find to be helpful and encouraging. Just because someone is practicing doesn’t mean that he/she is competent for helping you. Keep seeking help until you find someone that you feel comfortable with. I remember when I was 22 years old, MANY YEARS AGO, I was having some personal problems and decided to seek professional help to guide me through this period. I had no understanding of counseling or therapy. I went to a local hospital and they assigned a therapist to me. I went to him for six sessions, and after each session, found myself more and more depressed. He was practicing a form of therapy that was totally ineffective for my problems, but I was too inexperienced to understand this. Rather than switch to a different therapist, I stopped going thinking there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t benefiting from the treatment. It took me many years and lots of schooling to understand what this man was doing. He was a new therapist and practicing his style of therapy that was not suitable for the type of problem that I had. I wasn’t smart or savvy enough to understand that I could have asked for someone else who could have been more effective for me.

Many times when we seek out help because we are in vulnerable positions, we put all our faith in professionals who may not have the expertise we need to resolve our problems. This doesn’t just happen in counseling, but many other situations such as legal or medical problems. That’s why it is so important to recognize when something is not working for you and to keep pursuing the professional help that will work best for your needs.

RECURRING ANGER

I’ve had several requests to address the issue of returning anger. Just when you thought you were past that stage in your recovery minus your gay husband, it’s back. Women have written to me asking me what’s wrong with them when this happens. They are afraid they are backsliding because they feel so angry all over again.

There are different kinds of anger when a marriage ends. The anger that you have when you find out that your husband is gay is different than the anger you will face in future years when you are raising children as a single parent. Then we face the anger that all women face when they are left with raising the family as the primary caretaker. Sometimes we confuse this anger with our gay husband issues, and in all fairness, this is not a gay issues, but rather a universal one of irresponsible men. You don’t have to be gay to be irresponsible.

My own father abandoned my mother and left her with five children. He went on to have a happy, prosperous life 3,000 miles away, taking everything we owned. We ended up virtually homeless. My mother became the primary caretaker and supporter of us, and at the time, my younger sisters were only 1, 3, and 5. My mother had never worked before, and with virtually no workforce skills, went out and started building a career for herself. She never had an easy life after that point, but continued to be there for all of us emotionally and financially until her death a year and a half ago. Ironically, my father, who moved to California 34 years ago, is a millionaire. He has chosen to abandon his children, claiming that we should be able to make it on our own like he did.

My father is not gay. He went on to remarry and had a different family. He was very willing to take care of them financially, but not us. My story is not unique. I know many men who move on after marriage to new families and have new children and never look back. I don’t understand it and I never will. It would be inconceivable for me to think of a mother doing that to a child, but it seems more common in men. All men, just not gay men.

I share this information with you because we do have our own issues to heal from as wives of gay men. But we also have other issues to deal with that are universal to all women. It’s important to understand the difference in the problems because if not, we will always be angry and bitter about the gay issues. It is important for our own state of mental health to distinguish between the two. It is also important for our healing process to understand the difference so that we are able to move ahead in life and not be held back by our own insecurities.

As I’ve stated in earlier newsletters, wives of gay men go through an additional set of recovery issues than women who have straight husbands. We need to rebuild our shattered sense of self-belief and self-esteem. If we are continually pulled back into the gay spectrum, we will never be able to find happiness and fulfillment with a future mate. We will start confusing issues, which will start the self-doubt process all over again.

Anger needs to be channeled into positive responses, or else it turns into bitterness. I have seen this happen too many times. Bitterness affects our own sense of happiness and the happiness of our children. It stagnates us from moving ahead in our own lives, so who ends up losing here? You have lost so much already, why continue to keep being on the losing end?

When you are angry due to circumstances that seem totally out of your control or because of your ex-husband’s actions, learn to confront the anger by taking positive action. If you feel that talking to your ex-husband will only result in a yelling match with no resolve, sit down and write him a letter explaining to him why you are hurting. Sometimes when he sees it in writing, it makes him actually think and act rather than just react. It helps you feel better too because too often in the course of a conversation or argument, you lose sight of the issues that you want to discuss because your anger takes you to other places that don’t need to be revisited. A letter gives you a chance to express your anger and make sure that the important points are covered. If you have forgotten any, you can always add a P.S. or write the letter over—or even rip it up if you don’t feel like sending it. Sometimes just writing the letter is enough of an outlet.

Understand that after a marriage is over, there are lots of “normal” hardship issues that we face as single parents. Raising children is exhausting, and not having a back up for some relief can be overwhelming. It hurts when we are tired at the end of the day and feel so trapped while our husbands are out with their new gay mates or gay friends. But if our husbands were straight, chances are they’d be doing the same thing. It’s not a gay thing, just a male thing. The fact that he’s out with a man may make it more emotionally uncomfortable, but we have to be able to once again separate those feelings from the feelings that most single mothers experience of abandonment and lack of financial security.

So, if you feel anger creeping up in your life again, know that it’s okay. You probably have a lot to be angry about. Just don’t let it take over your life. Work through it so it doesn’t turn to bitterness. Find support or call a friend and talk it out. Don’t let it fester in you, because unresolved anger turns into bitterness, and the only one who really hurts is you.

Remember, you are never alone. There is a great amount of support for anyone who needs it. Write to me or join our Thursday evening support chat sessions for group comfort and help. Have a pleasant Thanksgiving holiday and realize that life can always get better as long as there is hope.

DECEMBER 2001

THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Let me first wish all of my readers a happy holiday season. Well, how about a peaceful holiday season? I think that expecting a “happy holiday” may make you start to think that you are supposed to be happy, when in fact, many of you reading this are going through your own heavy-duty pain.

When I was married to my gay husband, I usually found holidays to be very depressing. People appeared so happy wherever I went, all wrapped up in a mystical holiday spirit. Inwardly, I felt like a knife was cutting me because I so desperately wanted what I thought everyone else had—namely, a loving spouse and happy family. I went through the holidays very mechanically doing all the right things, but somehow, I always felt disappointed when they were over. My husband made sure to surround us with lots of people in order to take the focus off of “us” as a couple. Holidays meant that we were home—alone—a definite no-no. My husband did his best to make sure that his numerous friends and family members would spill into our home. He called as many as possible to invite them over with promises of good food (that I would have to prepare) and great conversation (that he would monopolize) There was too much danger in having a long period of quiet time together. That would mean that I might make the “demand” (in his head) or “suggestion” (in my head) for intimacy.

It became an all too familiar holiday pattern. Surround us with lots of people I couldn’t care less about, and in fact feel irritated by, to avoid my desperate pleas for affection, intimacy, and …..sex. And on those rare days when people just couldn’t make it over due to snow blizzards or other plans, you can be sure that was a day when an argument would ensue. The fight didn’t have to be over anything of importance—it just had to start and then build itself into a mountain. I’m sure that my husband realized that a molehill would have never stopped me from making a suggestion. But once things escalated into a mountain, they were too high to climb and usually left me sleeping on a couch or not sleeping at all while I cried.

Overdramatic? I don’t think so. When I recall some of the absurdities that went on in our marriage that I couldn’t understand, it finally makes sense. After speaking with thousands of women, this is often an emerging pattern. After it happens enough times, you retreat and take a giant step backwards. You know the drill. Ask for something that your husband doesn’t want you to ask for long enough, and you’ll just stop asking. It beats a fight or argument over nothing of importance, as well as the humiliation of being turned down again for wanting a normal, human need—namely intimacy. .

Somehow, the fantasies that had played over and over again in my head throughout my youth, adolescence, and early adulthood about home and the holidays just never happened. That’s why I became conditioned after the first few holidays not to get excited, not to see the beauty, not to feel the spirit, and most importantly, not to get my hopes up. That went for every holiday. I had to reshuffle my way of thinking about the song “No Place like Home for the Holidays.” I definitely knew that they were not talking about my home.

And so, my friends, if your holidays don’t meet up to your expectations of what they are supposed to be, don’t feel that it’s you. It’s not. It’s your situation. And if you are not in your marriage, don’t think that those feelings go away quickly—the memories of when you were in your marriage can linger on for many years to come. The good news is the feeling of excitement can return in time. If you meet your soul mate at a future point, you will understand the joy of watching the Big Apple fall down at midnight while he holds you close to him and starts the fireworks at midnight to celebrate your future year together. You’ll be able to turn off the television after the third verse of Auld Lang Syne and make your own music.

And even if you spend the night alone until you meet your soul mate, or if you never meet him, it won’t hurt nearly as much as spending it with someone who makes you feel as if you are the person who takes the joy out of the holiday because you are always hoping for something that he is just not willing or able to give you.

AND SPEAKING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS…

Speaking about the New Year…..I love the thought of a New Year coming in while an Old Year is going out. It’s a time to make resolutions for change. It’s a reminder that there is no time like the present to make some new resolutions that can resolve some of your problems. Most women are busily making plans to start a new diet or to stop smoking. Women with gay husbands can commit to making a new start free of the mental pressure that is wearing you down.

I always say that when you finally find the emotional and mental freedom, you are more than halfway to your goal. This is an excellent time to start planning your physical escape from your unhappy marriage. It’s not something that has to happen today or this month, but it is an opportunity to think about a better place that you can be in before another year passes by without any movement to happiness.

This is an opportunity to reflect back on your past years of marriage to your gay husband. If you are one of the nearly thousand of women receiving this newsletter, chances are you are living with conflict in your life. This is the best time of the year to start making a plan that will help you to reach your goal. For some of you, that may mean going back to school to learn skills that will make you financially independent. For others, it may mean joining a support group or finding a women’s group that will help you rebuild your self-esteem to give you the strength to do what you need to do. As long as you plan positive actions in your personal life, you will start to gain the strength that you need to make permanent positive changes in your life.

So, even though New Year’s Eve may normally be a painful night for you, look at it differently this year. Make a conscientious effort to stay up late and watch the Big Apple descend for the countdown. This year will be for you. View it with the optimism and hope that it is supposed to bring. Vow to make this a year of change—a better year for you and your children. Make a mental plan on how you are going to get there—and like with all resolutions, try to stick to it!

THE HONEYMOON REVISITED

I love happy endings to stories. With straight/gay marriages, some of you also have the advantage of having some happy middles of stories even if the endings are sad. Of course, these middle stories don’t last very long, but while they happen, it’s like having a second honeymoon.