Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (39 page)

I remember we once asked each other what it was that first attracted us to each other. I told him, being the healthy, heterosexual woman that I was, that it was his “chest,” because he used to wear these very tight, low-cut shirts. He told me that it was the “sincerity of my eyes.” Now while at the time, I did appreciate the “depth” of this answer, looking back on it now, I see it as the first of many “red flags” to come.

After a few of these study sessions, Kai asked me out on a date. This date led to a whirlwind “romance”, where he bought me all sorts of
too
expensive gifts, and was even so “inspired” by his “love” for me, that he wrote me poetry. And by the way, all of the gifts were paid for by his
mother
/parents. He was an only child, and had
carte
blanche
privileges on their credit cards. Now, I had come from a Latin-Catholic background, and had led a pretty sheltered life up until this point. So while I was flattered by all of this attention, there was also a part of me that was uncomfortable with it. And what felt uncomfortable to me, even back then, was that he seemed a bit
too
eager
to “win” me over. Just the same, because I was flattered by it all, I overlooked this
discomfort
.

It wasn’t until years later that I realized, what was behind all of this
eagerness
to “win” me over. As I would find out with time, Kai was an extremely controlling, manipulative person, who needed to dominate and control every aspect of me, for reasons that would come to “light” years later. And so it was this need to
dominate
me that led to him working so hard to “reel me in”, so to speak. I remember the first time that “I” told him that “I loved him”. I did it
not
because it flowed out of my
own
heart, but because
he
had told me that he “loved” me, and pressured me to do the same. He did this by telling me, that if I could not, it was the sign of some “inadequacy” on my part. And since I already had such low self-esteem, and didn’t want to be “more inadequate”, I fell for it.

So we went on to become a “couple”. And even though Kai had pressured me into telling him that I loved him, later on, I truly did feel that I did. Because at the time, I had never met any man with the type of “sensitivity” that I saw in him . . . a sensitivity that matched my own. This made me feel, “safe,” because now, I not only had a “boyfriend”, but
more importantly
a “best friend,” as well. I realized years ago, that I was also very much
hiding
from life, although not for the
same
reasons.

As I said before, I had led a very sheltered life up to this point. So when I met him, I was still a virgin. So for the first six months of our courtship, we only kissed and had oral sex, which Kai didn’t seem to mind in the least. In any case, it was during this 6-month period, that I first witnessed a very abusive side to him. I had noticed it before, but in a more general and
subtle
way, in the very arrogant, pompous and condescending way Kai would deal with me, and with the world in general, whenever he felt it didn’t meet up to his “expectations.” This was very different, though, because it was during one of our “petting” sessions when out of nowhere, it seemed he became completely
enraged
at me. This happened because apparently I wasn’t giving him oral sex in precisely the way he needed it in order to feel satisfied. He became so enraged that he actually got up from the bed and slammed his fist into a mirror, shattering the mirror to pieces. I remember being so confused and scared by this. But even in this confusion, I knew in my “gut” that there was something “very wrong with this picture.” Something so wrong, that a voice inside me said, “Get the hell out of here now,” meaning out of the relationship.

But I was just so confused, that I became kind of “paralyzed” and didn’t listen to that
inner voice
. And so I ended up staying instead. After awhile he ended up calming down. But he never apologized for the outburst. Instead, he justified it, making me think that it was somehow my “fault.” Still I never quite understood what I had done “wrong.” I know now, that I had done
nothing
wrong. Just that I was the
wrong sex
.

Even though my gay ex-”husband”, Kai, never physically hit me, ever since the outburst, I was always intimidated by his potential for violent anger. So the abuse continued, strictly in the psychological, emotional sense, with him always finding a way to make me feel his “superiority” and my “inadequacy.” Still, what kept me in the relationship was the fact that when he was not being emotionally and psychologically abusive, he was, if you can believe it, a very “funloving” and “playful” person. Also, I still considered him to be my “best friend.” And so it was that all of these “positive” factors were enough of a
distraction
to keep me in the relationship. So this is what I focused on and not so much the abuse, because of the
low selfesteem
that I had. At the age of 52, I am still working on this, but I am much better!

After being in the relationship with “Gay Kai” for 6 months, I had actual sexual intercourse with him. I remember being in bed together, lying side-by-side, and straight as mummies. I was completely naked, but he was not. He didn’t have on
underpants
, but insisted on keeping on his
tee shirt
and
socks
. (Real “sexy”, right? A “red-flag” for sure!) In any case, what made me even more nervous than I already was, was that even though he was not a virgin, he seemed more anxious than I was. He was not making any moves, and because I didn’t know what moves to make, I didn’t either. Finally, after an extended silence, he turns to me and asks, in this
whiney
,
little-boy
voice, “
Do you want to have sex with me?
” And by the way, this same
little-boy
voice was the way he would initiate sex, the few times that he did, in the future. Of course, I did not realize this at the time, but I know now, that he was so insecure about himself and his sexuality, and the fact that he was really
not
“that into me,” that he felt the need to
manipulate
his way in. And it was this manipulation, intended to provoke
sympathy
that served as a
distraction
from the
real
problem.

So I felt “sorry” for him and told him that I did. Also, I did not want to
anger
him. I thought at the time besides wanting to “appease” him that I really did want to have sex with him. But I realize now that it wasn’t so much that I wanted to have sex with
him
--it was just that I wanted to experience sex. Still, my body
sensed
, even back then, the complete
absence
of male/female
chemistry
in him.

So we had sex. And as one might imagine, it was truly, one of the most boring and
enervating
experiences I have ever had. And this
never
changed over time. During sex, and pardon my explicitness here, I always felt like I was just a “trash can” for him to ejaculate into. And after sex, I always felt like a washcloth, that had been completely used, wrung out and left out to dry. I had absolutely no energy left in my body, and could have stayed in bed, to “sleep it off” for days, had I not had a job to go to. This was in vast comparison to the limitless energy I would feel after having sex with a truly heterosexual man!

Another thing that I noticed is that when it came to Kai having an orgasm, it always seemed so
laborious
for him. Again this was in vast comparison to the straight lovers that I would later have where the
labor
came from
prolonging
the time it took to have an orgasm and not from
trying
to have one. Also with my homosexual ex, there was
never
any foreplay, kissing, or caressing during sex. Still, since he was my first, I never knew any of these things to be physically
missing
. Just the same, I know now, that I instinctually knew that something was missing. Because I remembered how as a little girl, I always had these “fantasies” about the
beauty
and
passion
of sexual union between a man and a woman. Just the same, after the “physical proof” of sex with him, I convinced myself, that these were indeed
only
the “fantasies” of a little girl.

It was not long after this first sexual experience, that I got one of the biggest
clues
I would ever get as to Kai’s
true
sexual orientation. And it was this
clue
that would later help me put the “pieces of the puzzle” together regarding the
true
problem with this
mis
marriage. One day, when we had just finished having “sex”, he turned around and asked me, “Do
you
think
I
am
homosexual
?” Needless to say, I was
taken for a loop
with this question. After all, he was my first sexual experience, and I didn’t exactly have anything else to compare him to. In any case, and justifiably so, I was very confused and scared by this new “turn of events”. So I just answered that I didn’t think he was, and that he was just “different”, due to his “sensitivity” blah, blah, blah.

Okay, I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to believe it was that he was homosexual. After all, I had given my virginity to this guy. And at the time, I had definite stereotypes of what homosexual men were like. I was very
uninformed
. So when I answered him, I really did believe my answer, because I had to, because I needed to.

Now, although one might “applaud” him at this point for his attempt at honesty, I have come to realize that it was really not so much an attempt at honesty on his part. But more to the fact that on some level, he
knew
, that because of my lack of experience and “malleability”, I would not be able to give him an accurate answer. And so it was this “answer”, that provided even more of a “security blanket” for him to hide behind, along with having me in his life. And this still “pisses” me off, more than I can say.

So after receiving the answer that he
knew
on some level he would get, he was of course, “heartened”, and said to me, “Yeah, I couldn’t have done what I just did, if I was . . .”, meaning he had been able to have an orgasm. It’s pretty funny to me now! But at the time, I believed it . . . sort of. So we went on as a “couple”, and not long after this, we became engaged. And by the way, his
mother
/parents
also
paid for the engagement/wedding rings. And of course, because according to him, “it wasn’t
fair
that
just the woman
should get an engagement ring,” he also ended up getting
his own
engagement ring. In any case, I knew even back then, that it wasn’t so much a matter of “fairness” for him, but more a feeling of “
safety,
” “
protection,
” and
acceptance
that he so desperately craved from the world. But because I was as deep in the closet as he was, I accepted his reasoning, wanting to be as “open-minded” as possible.

Over the period of our engagement, which was a total of 4 years, the sex started to become more and more infrequent, almost to the point of non-existent. And it was also during this time that he decided he wanted to go into therapy. Not because of the infrequency of the sex, but just to “learn more about himself.” He “suggested” that I do the same. At some point, during this time, I remember mentioning to Kai that our sex seemed “too infrequent.” Even though I was bored with it, I never admitted this to myself at the time. Just the same, I
sensed
that its infrequency was a
sign
of something being
off.

When I mentioned this to him, he registered complete “nonconcern” about it. Instead, he rationalized that it was “my problem,” having to do with “unrealistic expectations” that I had, based on “stereotypes.” He was pompously “intellectual,” and could use the “talents of his tongue” to talk anybody “into a corner.” Also, he
fancied
himself as being very “unconventional” and “open-minded.” He couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

Later, when the male therapist, that incidentally, Kai picked out for the both of us, “confirmed” Kai’s theory about my “unrealistic expectations,” I thought that they were both right, and I was the one that was “off”, yet again. So basically, I just gave up any “expectations” about the frequency of sex. Also, I remember learning quite early on, that I could never be the one to suggest sex, because whenever I did, he would never want to do it. It was only when he happened to get an erection--that seemed to make him a little bit “too happy”-- that we ever did it. And when we did have sex, Kai had to
control
every aspect of it--what position, when, and how we would move, etc. I also learned to
never try suggesting
anything
myself
during sex, because the one time that I did, he again became totally
enraged
at me
.
Enraged like the last time, only this time he didn’t break anything . . . just my “spirit.”

I remember how scared and vulnerable I felt, with him “inside” me, and this rage, penetrating me like some poison. Anyway, needless to say, I never wanted to go there again. And so I didn’t. I didn’t ever ask for sex, nor did I
suggest
. I just gave up on it. And so the sex became practically non-existent. And this was all in the five years
before
we were “married”, with us still only in our 20’s.

During the course of my relationship with Kai, another thing that I noticed was that he had very few male friends. And with the few male friends that he did have (I could count them on one hand literally), two of them being very sweet, openly gay men. I would always notice a certain
giddiness
and excitement that would come over him whenever they would call or he would socialize with them. I remember feeling it as the “
excitement
of a young girl,” wanting to be called or spend time with a boy that she “liked”; an excitement that felt like a
physical
attraction
. This felt
foreign
to me, because I knew that this feeling never existed in our relationship.