Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (38 page)

Girlfriends (chicks) I send my love to each and every one of you. You must believe that you deserve more. It is not your fault. Take back your power and
know
that you will get past this nightmare. Anyone that doesn’t believe you or support you…get rid of them! (And make it snappy). One day you will recognize (each in your own time) that YOU DIDN”T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

Kisses & Hugs, Roxanne

Hi Bonnie,

I just read the November newsletter and felt compelled to write. I am one of the fortunate ones. I did not grow up in a dysfunctional family. I grew up with both parents loving each other as God intended. They’ve been married 55 years now! My brothers and I knew our limits as kids and were loved unconditionally.

I did not know my ex was gay until we had been married 26 years. We, too, had a happy marriage with two beautiful children we reared in a Christian home. In reading Linda’s letter from New Zealand, I know we each have to make our own choice about staying in the marriage based on our Christian convictions and walk with God. I am praying for the love she now shares with her new husband--how wonderful for her! One of the most hurtful things my ex said to me after we had been divorced and he was with his partner was “Now I know what true love is--now I know what I was REALLY supposed to feel when I was with you.” It’s been three years since my divorce--I too know the Lord has someone special planned for me!

Thanks for all you do--I only wish I had known this was there four years ago!

Lynn

Dear Bonnie,

I don’t know why I didn’t reply to you last month, but here I am a month late!

It made me sad to see that if I were to place myself in any of the categories that gay man offered, I’d be in No. 2 - the not very attractive, practical earth mother type. (I’ve grown a lot over the years since, and am not just that person now, however)

In contrast to most of the other respondents, my family life was close to perfect. I had loving parents, who loved each other dearly all their lives (dying exactly a month apart), and who loved my 2 brothers and me, supporting us, though they struggled financially, in any endeavor we tried. I was blessed.

My husband, however, had an alcoholic father who was abusive to his wife and was often absent from the home because he was stuck in a pub somewhere. He also told my husband when he was quite young that he, my husband, was the greatest disappointment in his life because he didn’t play football and cricket. As my husband grew older, he was often sent into pubs to get his father to come home, so until he was 19, he hated strong drink. (Unfortunately, he got to know and love it too well because he’s now an alcoholic, too, though he’s not violently abusive, as his father was. Sometimes, though, he can be very cutting and hurtful with his tongue as he is intellectual and clever with words.) His mother, behaved quite strangely too. She taught him to knit when he was 4 and used to sit him near the front gate so all the neighborhood women who passed by would see him and stop and say how cute and clever he was. As he grew older, she also taught him the things women usually teach only their daughters, like cooking and ironing - for which I’m very grateful, but at the time, it was unusual. She also had affairs with other men, which my husband, even very young, knew. There was lots of unhappiness in his life growing up!

I’m certain that he didn’t know he was gay when we married. He discovered that (after a drunken encounter that apparently disgusted him at the time, but later became very appealing!) after 23 years of marriage. I realized that something had happened - and he told me that he was impotent, so I tried to believe and accept that, but was always suspicious. And as years went on and I’d try and confront him with my suspicions, he’d always deny that he was gay, so I kept trying to believe that. I guess I wanted to because the alternative was terrible for my self esteem. Anyway, he outted himself 35 years into the marriage and pleaded with me to stay with him because he had always loved me and still did. He said that the only reason he stopped having sex with me was that he felt so guilty, but he still felt desire for me.

Well, I stayed, believing in miracles - and because of family reasons - elderly parents who adored him and me etc.etc. but I don’t need to say more. I’ve read so many letters from all those women in your newsletters and the experience was the same - the honeymoon period eventually faded!

I’m still in the marriage, but wonder what would happen if I won the lottery! Stupid thing is I do love him and I know he loves me, but as you know, not the way married couples should love each other - in every way, emotionally and physically!

Anyway, this was a long letter. I didn’t mean to tell so much of my story, but thought that the context of both of our families might be of interest to you.

Thank you for being there for us all.

Joan

Dear Bonnie,

I received your newsletter today and enjoy reading it and finding out I’m not the only one out there that has suffered. However, you may have heard different stories like mine, but I think the reason I was so confused about my gay marriage if that my gay husband did not fit the description of the most common facts. There are certainly similarities, but I see my case more confusing. My husband will NEVER admit to his gayety, and I will never have closure.

I just thought it might be helpful to describe my circumstances that differ. I don’t see my family life as being abusive at all. I had two wonderful parents and a life that was fairly normal with no physical or verbal abuse. I met my husband in college and he was a member of a

popular fraternity and really showed no obvious characteristics of being gay. I had no idea.

We married and had a wonderful 7 years. We have two daughters. Although I was the instigator of sex most of the time, my husband was very determined that I enjoy sex and always did what was satisfying to me. Of course, now I realize that his sex drive wasn’t up to mine at all, but he was very caring and considerate.

He was an excellent daddy to the girls and they loved him dearly. It wasn’t until my second daughter was born that I realized he wasn’t affectionate at all anymore. He blamed it on me taking care of the baby and he was busy taking care of our older daughter. For years after that I cried not understanding what was wrong with our marriage. He was getting more and unhappy with his job and I knew he had a terrible new boss and things were bad. I blamed our problems on his unhappiness and the fact that he was so depressed.

He transferred to a large city and told me later that he hated the city and so would I and that it would be better to live separate and keep the girls in a nice size city with good schools. I was stupid and lived like this for over 15 years.

I cried for about 4 years wanting my family back until I realized that I could get a divorce or deal with it. Neither one of us wanted a divorce. I got to the point I didn’t care if he came home on weekends or not. He would only come ever 3-4 weeks or so. I guess I became numb and dealt with it. I had my own life with my kids. I had a house, yard, full time job, and two kids to raise and no time to think about anything.

I found out quite by accident that the man he was living with was gay and that he knew him before he moved away. We were never allowed to go see him (he wanted to come home and do yard work etc.) But this was still so confusing because when a job here came along, he applied for it and kept trying to get back home....or so I thought.

Then, he retired from his job and remained in the big city with his FRIENDS. I have been divorced over two years and I am happy. I really don’t feel like dating and am happy with things they way they are. I guess maybe I have been alone for so long, that I prefer it. I do feel for him and what he went through, but at the same time I blame him for many things. I dislike him for getting married and doing this to his children. My daughters have suffered so much and I wasn’t even aware of it.

I hope this isn’t too long, but I was fooled for many years and as I said before, he does not want to discuss anything and he will never admit to being gay.

Sally

I would like to end this book with a letter I received from a
new support group member, Estelle, in August 2008. Her letter
articulates the emotions that so many of us feel while living in
this state of confusion. Please read her heart-felt words:

Dear Bonnie and Support Network Members,

I was married to a homosexual man, who I divorced 20 years ago. At the time that I divorced him, I was doing so after feeling
suffocated
for years in the relationship. Also during this time, and for years afterwards, I was so “coated” over by the lies of this man, that in my mind, I did not think he was homosexual. And even though, my body, my
instinct
, knew that something was “off” in the area of sex with this man, my mind was “convinced” that the problem just had to do with him being “different.” I know now that he wanted so badly to be “normal” that he did a pretty good job at “convincing” himself as well, and using me as his “wife,” was the ultimate “proof” that he so desperately desired. It wasn’t until after having sex with straight men that I instinctually realized, that this man, who I had “mismarried” was indeed
homosexual
. I never had any proof of this, since proof was no longer possible. I was already divorced, and hadn’t seen him in years. So as a result, even though my “gut” knew the truth, for many years, my mind has struggled with doubt about it. This is the story of the battle between my mind and my instinct, and how my instinct won.

I met, my homosexual ex-”husband” Kai in college, when I was 21 years old and he was 22. I use quotes around the word ‘
husband’
, because he never
felt
like that to me. I had him in several of my Spanish classes, and he stood out to me, because he was outwardly very intelligent, charming, physically attractive, and also spoke Spanish extremely well, for a “white boy!” My background is Mexican-American, so this was very “impressive
”
at the time. In any case, we both noticed one another, and starting studying together.