Bookends (31 page)

BOOK: Bookends

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But of course I can’t say that here, so I simply shrug my shoulders and give what I hope is an enigmatic smile. ‘I’m only thirty-one. I’ve got plenty of time to worry about children.’

Si raises an eyebrow and I scowl at him as he starts to laugh, and Lucy, typically, chooses just that moment to walk back into the living room bearing a tray of pâté and crackers.

She sets the tray down on the coffee table, then hurries over to the sofa and sits on Josh’s knee. ‘Children? Cath? Are you thinking of children? Gosh, that would be lovely! Imagine, we could all go off to Tumble Tots together.’ She couldn’t even hope to hide the excitement in her voice.

Si takes one look at my stricken face and starts to laugh, as I go pale because this is all sounding horribly like I’ve been talking about James to everyone and telling them that I’m planning marriage, children, the whole works, when I haven’t done that at all.

I don’t dare look at James, because I’m sure he’s getting the wrong impression. I clear my throat and say, ‘No, Lucy. I’m not thinking of children, certainly not in the foreseeable future.’

‘I’ve got an idea,’ Si pipes up. ‘You know how in America they give twelve-year-olds realistic dummies of babies that scream all night to put them off having children? Why don’t you give Max to Cath for a week or so to see how she likes being a mum?’

My mouth opens and closes in a remarkable impersonation of a goldfish, and Lucy and Josh start to laugh, not altogether unaware of my feelings for Max.

‘Oh ha bloody ha,’ I manage eventually, sneaking a look at James to see his reaction to all of this, and very relieved to see he’s laughing with the others, breaking off only to gaze affectionately at me and plant a kiss on my lips, as Lucy catches her breath and tips her head on one side with a ridiculously soppy smile.

A bell goes off in the kitchen, and Si stands up and calls everyone to the table, where we stand for a while, oohing and aahing over the crystal rose bowl in the middle, the beautiful calligraphy on the name cards, the candlelight flickering off the silver.

‘I must say, I do feel special,’ Lucy says, pulling out her chair. ‘This feels like we ought to be in some rather grand castle somewhere – ’

‘Instead of in a poky one-bedroomed flat in Kilburn?’ I say.

‘Poky? Did I hear you describe my palace as poky?’ Si looks at me in mock anger.

‘Moi? I wouldn’t dream of it. Mmm, something smells completely gorgeous.’

Si dashes into the kitchen and emerges moments later with a tureen of soup.

‘I wish I could take credit for this – ’ he says, placing it on the table.

‘But Queen Delia got there first?’ I say, unable to resist.

‘Actually, Paul got there first,’ and we all turn to look at Paul, who pretends to look humble and then laughs.

‘Before you call me Queen Paul, I have to say I’d be happier as Prince Charming.’

‘Prince Charming it is.’ Si looks at him affectionately, and, given that the champagne has already had its desired effect, we all loudly raise our glasses and toast Prince Charming, who duly bows his way back into the kitchen to fetch the croutons.

James starts off quietly, getting used to the whole crowd in all their boisterous glory, but the alcohol keeps flowing, the conversation starts rising, and soon he is as loud as the rest of us.

I watch him, watch him banter with Lucy, with Si, and I smile to myself as I sip from my glass of red wine, delighted at how he fits in, how James could never be the sort of person I’d ever have to worry about.

We are so busy having a good time that I completely forget that there is a reason for tonight, and it is only when all the food (broccoli and stilton soup, roasted rack of lamb with apricot stuffing, hot chocolate soufflé with vanilla sauce) has been served, when we are all groaning and complaining about the amount of food, that I wonder whether Si is still planning to make his announcement tonight.

For he looks so calm. So content. And the Si I know, the Si I
knew
, would be having a huge anxiety attack right now, palms sweating at the prospect of revealing his innermost secret.

I am about to follow him into the kitchen to ask, because I am quite sure he has changed his mind, when he comes back into the living room bearing a cafetière, and calls for silence.

‘Speech, speech!’ Josh calls drunkenly, as Si shushes him with a benevolent smile.

‘Believe it or not,’ he says, as Paul runs back in with a tea-towel, ‘there is a reason for this little dinner.’

‘To drink fine wine and get pissed?’ Josh has, as he always does when drunk, regressed back to his student days, and Lucy puts a hand on his arm to silence him, because the atmosphere is now changed, and it is no longer appropriate for Josh to shout out anything.

‘I have an announcement to make, but first I want to say I’m absolutely thrilled that Max will have a little brother or sister, and the fact that such a lovely and unexpected announcement was made earlier this evening, makes what I’m about to tell you much easier.’

My heart starts pounding, and I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for Si. James reaches for my hand under the table, and I squeeze it hard, staring intently at Si’s face.

‘But I want you to know that it really isn’t a big deal. I mean, I thought it was, at first, obviously, but being diagnosed as HIV positive only means I have a virus, not that I’m going to die. Well, hopefully not yet, however much you might want to kill me at times.’

If you weren’t concentrating, you’d almost miss it, so casually does Si weave this into his sentence, but then I look at Josh, who, even in the candlelight, suddenly looks completely pale, and at Lucy, whose eyes are already brimming over as she stands up, knocking her chair over as she runs over to Si to give him a hug.

‘It’s okay, Lucy,’ Si murmurs into her hair, rubbing her back, then carefully letting her go.

‘The thing is, you’re basically my family, sorry, James, I know you’re the latest addition and you probably weren’t expecting to be drawn into a drama quite so soon.’ James smiles at Si and shrugs as if to say it doesn’t matter, and I love him for that. ‘But I need you all to know, and I need your support.

‘Lucy, Josh, you probably have things you want to ask me, and I’ve started going to a course for, well, for people like me, and one of the things I’ve learned is that it’s incredibly important to be absolutely honest with one another, so if there’s anything you want to ask me, well, now would be a good time…’

The questions come thick and fast. Mostly from Lucy, once she has recovered from her tears. How long did he have, had he been ill, how had he caught it, what did it mean, were there new treatments…

Si answers them quietly and patiently, and even I am impressed with the depth of knowledge he has acquired in so short a time, and it is only when he has said all that he has to say, that I realize Josh still hasn’t said a word.

‘Josh?’ Si speaks gently, as Josh raises his eyes, looking completely shell-shocked. Josh starts to say something, but then leaps to his feet, walks to the door and slams it behind him, without a word.

Lucy, stricken, apologizes for him, then runs after him, the door slamming behind her. The four of us who remain speak in hushed voices, concern for Si mingling with outrage at Josh, and fury.

It might be half an hour later. Or maybe an hour. But the doorbell rings and I open the door to find Josh standing there with Lucy. Both of them have swollen faces, and eyes puffy with crying, and they walk in wordlessly, Lucy coming to sit down with us, and Josh walking over to Si.

And I see something I never thought I’d see Josh do. He puts his arms around Si and starts to cry, and Si comforts him, patting his back and telling him it’s okay, as the rest of us suddenly decide to start the washing-up, walking quickly into the kitchen.

‘Is Josh okay?’ I whisper to Lucy, as James and Paul busy themselves putting more coffee on.

‘Shocked,’ Lucy says. ‘You know what Josh is like. He thinks HIV means AIDS, which he thinks, means death, and he just went into shock. I’ve been sitting out there for an hour trying to explain what it really means.’

‘Lucy, did you know?’ I don’t know what makes me ask this question.

She shrugs. ‘I guessed. Si hadn’t been his usual self, and I woke up one morning and just knew. Although I kept hoping I was wrong. But I knew something was wrong with you as well, and you stopped talking about Si for a while, but…’ She stops and sighs. ‘Not that it really matters now.’ She turns to me, her face filled with concern. ‘Is it going to be okay?’

And I stand in the kitchen, listening to James and Paul clattering about with coffee cups, looking at Lucy’s puffy face, turning so I can just see, through the doorway, Si and Josh sitting together on the sofa, talking softly, and I feel an incredible peace come over me. In the heart of – as Si would put it – my family of choice.

‘Do you know,’ I say, smiling, seeing Lucy’s face relax as she looks into my eyes, as I suddenly know what the answer is. ‘I really think it is.’

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