Boston Boys [01] - A Life Without You (4 page)

“Yeah,” he says after a while. “But how do you know? I mean, how did
you
know?”

I cast him a smile and watch a boy and a girl walk hand in hand on the other side of the court. “There were signs early on. My neighbor’s daughters used to play weddings with their Barbies and Kens, but whenever I got my hands on their dolls I played weddings with their Kens. I also had a huge crush on one of my class mates when I was about seven and I knew I was different because everywhere I looked it was always boy-and-girl.

But basically it’s just like how you know you’re straight. You get off thinking about girls and I get off by thinking about guys.” Jesse’s lips close when he swallows and he casts me a quick sideways glance.

“You do get off thinking about girls, right?” I ask when he doesn’t say anything back. Sparks of heat prickle my cold skin as I wait for him to answer.

“Yeah,” he says after a while. “I mean, when I think about Anne.”

The mental image of Jesse jacking off is getting me hard, but when I add Chirpy into the equation the effects are reversed.

With a wilting cock I push myself off the pavement and reach out a hand to Jesse.

“Come on, let’s walk.”

He nods and his warm palm merges with my cold one. I hold on for as long as I dare before I head for the big-kid swings. We sit in a swing each, our hips fitting nicely between the curved seats. Jesse leans back with a mixture of a sigh and a moan – a sound I’d love to hear in a different setting – and closes his eyes.

“Is it possible to like both?”

“Both boys and girls?” I ask, using my foot to push myself back and forth. My heart speeds up as my chest floods with hope.

He may not be gay, but…

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“You mean bisexual?” I add.

Jesse sits up and gives me a blank look.

“Oh honestly, Jesse, don’t they have the internet in that hole of a town you grew up in?” I say with a laugh.

He chuckles and kicks my shoe. “Let’s just say that there weren’t ten students in my class for there to be one gay. I’m just wondering if I’ll meet a half-gay at my future high school reunion.”

I lean in with a raised eyebrow and a tease on my lips.

“You think you might be that half gay person?” He gives me a look of a decisive ‘no.’

I sigh dramatically, abandon my swing and stand behind him to give him a push. That was one short minute of doomed hope.

“Hey,” I say as I push him again. “What about that stunt Chester pulled last night? Did you see it?” There was a bet on how much Muscle-Man Chester could lift and he ended up straining a muscle when he tried to lift a faculty jeep off the ground.

Jesse’s chuckle is low before it rises into a laugh. “That has to be the worse change of subject ever,” he says between laughs.

I laugh with him as I push his nicely round butt on the swing higher into the air, a fissure of heat coursing through me with every touch.

§ § § §

The next day I suppress a chuckle on our way from lunch and give Jesse a shove. “I’m teasing, you dork. I’ll stop if it bothers you.”

“No, it’s okay,” he says with a blush. “I mean, if I didn’t know you were gay I would have taken that as a joke. I shouldn’t react any differently just because you’re gay, right?” I guess homos making homo jokes with straight guys doesn’t work very well after all.

A Life Without You
25

We walk slowly because today’s weather in Boston is nice for a change. Students are scattered all over the grounds in small groups.

“Well, thanks for being so open minded about this,” I say.

“My first roommate really did leave because he couldn’t live with me being gay. I was glad he moved out, though. He plastered posters of naked women all over his side of the room after I told him about me as if to prove he was straight. I mean, I wasn’t even attracted to him and I’m sure I never did anything to indicate that I was. But anyway, you have no idea how scary it is to open your eyes in the morning and stare straight at a pair of fake-tanned silicones.”

Jesse scrambles to catch the books sliding out of his arms when he laughs. “That sounds so weird coming from a guy.”

“I’m just glad you don’t have posters like that on the walls,” I remark, greeting a group of fellow literary students with a nod.

“Anne would kill me if I did.”

“Sheesh, you’re so whipped,” I say with a grin and receive a light punch on the shoulder.

A pack of athletes wave at Jesse between tossing around a tattered football.

“Well, I could always go out and buy posters and then tell Anne they belong to you if she ever finds out about them,” says Jesse with a smirk.

“No way,” I reply with a sneer. “If you’re gonna stick porn on the walls then at least make it gay friendly.” Jesse chuckles. “Yeah, that’s just what I need to wake up in the morning—a huge dick staring me in the face.” I bite my lower lip at the image, only in my head that’s
my
huge dick he wakes up to. Jesse must have noticed my reaction because he hangs his head for a second before he nudges me and points to a group of girls sitting on the grass, all bent over mobiles and pink laptops. I recognize them as sorority girls. They look up at us as we pass by and whisper something between themselves.

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“You know, you could have any one of them,” says Jesse.

Just before entering the building, I glance back and catch the eye of a pretty redhead. She blushes and looks away.

“They’re all looking at you,” I reply.

“Nuh-uh. You’re a great looking guy. If I were gay, I’d definitely be into you,” Jesse says in a low voice.

I don’t know if he’s speaking so low because he still thinks I care if people know I’m gay, or if he doesn’t want people to know that
he
knows I’m gay. Or maybe it’s just because of what he said. Whatever the reason, I feel like I’ve just swallowed a pebble and now it’s bouncing around in my tummy.

“I mean,” he continues, “Tall, dark, and handsome? Isn’t that every girl’s wet dream?”

I open the door to our room for Jesse with an eye-roll, trying to sound casual. “I’m not exactly dark, am I?” Jesse dumps a bag of snacks he bought at the cafeteria by the foot of his bed. The contents tumble out and mix with his dirty laundry. “Okay, so your skin is fairly white, but you have black hair and blue eyes. And I wish I was as tall as you. It would make basketball easier.”

I close the door and we both lie down to lounge on our beds before it’s time to head back.

“But really,” he continues. “I once went on a trip with Anne and forgot to bring entertainment, so I ended up reading one of those romance novels she likes so much. I’m telling you, the hero on the cover looked just like you.”

I roll onto my side and smirk. “Only I bet he had a mountain of muscles on him.”

Jesse has never commented on my looks before. It kind of feels like he’s trying to prove to me that he’s cool with me being gay. Like he’s testing the grounds to see what he’s comfortable with talking about and what not. I’m not complaining, because I’m happy to have this new openness with him. Before, it was all about sports and cars, but now we’re talking about things that go A Life Without You
27

so much deeper.

He punches a pillow and rests his head on it, facing me on his side. “Well, yeah, he did. Okay, so you’re no body-builder, but you do have nice, lean muscles. Your biceps are nice and toned and your pectorals are bigger than mine. You also have great abs, strong legs, and very little body fat.” I smirk again and discreetly pull on a blanket to cover my crotch. I wonder if he even notices how what he says and does affects me. My guess is that ninety percent of the time he’s clueless. “And you’ve noticed this about me?” Jesse’s eyes widen, but then he smiles. “I’m studying physical therapy; it’s my job to observe people’s bodies. I’m gonna have to learn what each muscle is called eventually, though I can’t understand why we have to learn it in Latin. I mean, who speaks Latin today?”

I gaze at Jesse as he talks. His lips turn upwards at the corners when they’re relaxed, so it’s as if he’s always smiling. I love watching him talk, the way the lips curve around the words, the way his tongue occasionally touches his teeth. It’s erotic as hell.

“What are you thinking?” he asks.

I’m still kind of lost in a trance, when I answer. “About that time when you kissed me.” When I realize what I’ve said I sigh and continue. “I just can’t get it off my mind. I’ve never been kissed like that before.”

Ugh. I’ve gone and done it again. Now he’ll pull back and push me away. Just when things were going so well.

I sit up, my feet sinking into the carpet. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to –”

“Adam,” Jesse says and sits up too quickly for comfort, or so his bared teeth and crooked body posture tell me. “It’s okay.” I gaze down into his eyes. My hands twitch, but Jesse doesn’t look away.

“You’re a good kisser too,” he confesses, looking me straight in the eye. “Don’t be embarrassed about it. I’m okay with it.”
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“But you were so angry –”

“I was being an idiot, I’m sorry. It’s just that I had to drink myself dead because it felt good for me too, but still wrong, you know?”

Jesse scratches the back of his head but keeps his eyes firm on mine. “I’m okay now. I’m okay with you being gay and even with your liking me. You can talk to me, okay? I won’t avoid you again like I did before. That was just me being stupid and a little confused.”

“You liked kissing me?” is all I can say. We’re sitting with only six feet between us. It’s farther apart than I’d like it to be. I want to grab him and kiss him again. The honest, open look on his face holds me back. I can’t betray his trust. But by God, I want to taste that soft tongue again. I have never been kissed so deeply, and so passionately before.

Jesse gives me a little smile. “Well, after thinking about it, I realize that it doesn’t mean I’m gay, or bi or whatever. It just means that you’re a good kisser.”

But he liked it.
My heart beats a few extra thumps.

Our stare-off/gaze-off is broken when someone knocks on the door. “Adam, time for class. You coming?” Eric.

“I’ll be right there.” I reluctantly stand up to gather my books and notes with a bulge the size of an orange in my pants.

Would he have pushed me away if I’d have kissed him just now? Maybe if I get him drunk he’ll let me kiss him. But that would be taking advantage.

I rummage through my drawer to find a pen. Eric knocks on the door again. Jesse’s back lounging on his bed with his books scattered everywhere. He’s polishing a red apple with the hem of his shirt. I hang around, pretending that I haven’t found a pen. I hold my breath and stare as his lips kiss the apple when he sinks his teeth into the flesh.

I swallow hard.

I tap the end of my pen against my notebook while I listen to Professor Chase talk about critical thinking. He’s the type who will use every second to teach. Normally that’s all right because I enjoy his lectures. Why, then, am I so anxious to get out of here?

Jesse’s taking me to a party tonight, that’s why.

I’m just going to make sure he gets back all right. I know I’m not supposed to hope that he’ll drink himself dead, but if he does I’ll get to half-carry him back to our room. I’ll get to put my hands around his slim, muscular waist.

‘You nervous or something?’
Eric writes in my notebook.

I stop tapping the pen and shake my head.

‘
Coming to the library later?
’ he writes.

‘
On a Friday? Seriously?
’ I write back and glance at my friend.

He reminds me of one of those fantasy elves with skin so white that it’s almost see-through; hair so blonde that it’s almost white; eyes slightly tilting upwards, blue as a clear summer sky; and a fragile build with long, delicate fingers. To top off the elf-look, he wears his hair down to his shoulders. I have no idea if he’s into the whole fantasy thing or if he’s completely unaware of the fact that he looks like an elf. Today he’s wearing a pair of denim hip-huggers and a white t-shirt that says HO-mo in sparkly red letters.

‘
Not like we haven’t studied on Fridays before
,’ he replies.

I shrug. ‘
Got plans with Jesse today
,’ is my answer.

See, Jesse’s not only taking me to a party tonight, but we’re going to town later to stock up on snacks, drinks, and what every college student needs to survive: instant-cook noodles.

Shopping with Jesse always has my juices fizzing, because it’s not just shopping. We spend a few dollars on games at the arcade.

Then we treat ourselves to cinnamon pretzels and sometimes ice cream. I always manage to drag him into a bookshop – it’s easy,
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I just put him in the health and sports section so I can browse through my favorite genres and buy a book if I’m not out of my weekly budget.

Sometimes, when there’s nothing planned afterwards, we go bowling or see one of those action movies he likes so much with fast cars and big-breasted babes. I don’t like such movies because there’s never any substantial plot, but I do love watching his face as he watches the movie and how he gushes about the scenes afterwards. I like historical films – movies that have plots and emotions – but I never make him watch that with me. Together we enjoy crime movies, where there’s usually plenty of plot and still some action.

Eric brushes his angelic locks back with a sigh. ‘
Still got that
report due on Monday. You finished?
’

I shake my head. ‘
I’ll do it tomorrow. You done?
’

Eric writes, ‘
Almost. But you won’t finish until Sunday.
’

We always go over each other’s work before handing in assignments. It’s a good thing to have a second pair of eyes. I also get to practice my editing. Eric wants to become an editor, too. In fact, I’ve never met a more nit-pickety bastard before.

‘
I know, sorry. Is it okay just this once? Please?
’ I throw in a pair of pleading eyes. There’s no way I’d blow off an afternoon with Jesse for an assignment, as much as my studies mean to me.