Boy Meets Girl (13 page)
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Your mother
That’s just because she hasn’t seen you in that skirt yet.
No, seriously, your mother is currently driving across the country in an RV with a man ten years her junior who likes to whittle bird whistles. Okay? Like you’re really going to score points with this woman for breaking up with your soon-to-be-rock-star boyfriend. Did she tell you that you should have just let yourself get “accidentally pregnant” and then you’d have been set for life? Ten to one she did. Is this the sign of a woman playing with a full deck?
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: My mother
YES! Oh my God, did you get struck by lightning, or something? Because you’re clairvoyant.
Like I would want to get a husband THAT way. Like having a husband is even that important to me. I mean, you can be a fully rounded human being and not be married, you know. In fact, remember how Professor Wingblade told us that the overall happiness level of marrieds vs. singles was higher in singles? What does THAT say to you?
Oh, sorry. I forgot you were married there for a second.
But I’m just saying. It isn’t because I want to be married that I broke up with Dale. It’s because if he doesn’t love me enough to want to marry me, then he doesn’t love me at all.
Or something like that. Know what I mean? God, I HATE talking to my mother, she always gets me confused.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Your mother
I get what you mean. Hey, shouldn’t you be meeting your lunch date round about now? It’s almost 12:30.
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: My mother
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m late!
Oh my God, I knew I should have made Jen switch skirts with me, I must look like the biggest slut in the world, it’s no wonder he took that call on his cell and has been out in the restaurant lobby
South Sea Shark’s Fin for Two
$19.95
for so long, he’s probably embarrassed to be seen with me, and who can blame him, I look like Alyssa
Crab Meat Asparagus Bisque for Two
$8.95
Milano onCharmed or whatever. He’s probably scared of me, oh God why did I ever
Fish Maw Chowder
$8.95
say I would have lunch with him? I mean, he’s a LAWYER, after all, and I’ve always sworn . . .
Fish Filet in Broth for Two
$7.95
but he’s just sonice, and the chicken in garlic sauce IS really good here, and I’m sure his call must
Chengdu Wonton in Broth
$3.50
be really important, and he DID look really annoyed when he saw who it was on the caller ID.
Hot and Sour Soup
$3.50
Probably it’s about a really important case or something. I hope it’s not that Clarissa girl, I really don’t
Chicken Corn Egg Drop Soup
$3.50
think he’d have taken it if it was, although maybe, who knows? It’s kind of funny, I really don’t think he likes Amy all that much. He says people who exercise that many times a day scare him, which is good
Pan-seared Dumplings
$4.95
because God knows I could barely move yesterday after that run around the reservoir the day before.
Steamed Vegetable Dumpling
$4.95
Not that it was much of a run considering the fact that Dolly stopped every 60 seconds to talk to
Spareribs
$6.95
someone who was going by, God she knows everyone in the world, it seems like. Plus he likes the
Fantail Shrimp
$6.95
Travel Channel, which means we already have something in common, not that we like it for the same
Cantonese Roast Duck
$5.95
reason, he likes it because he’s been to all those places, I like it because now I don’t have to go, since I
Shanghai Vegetable Spring Roll
$2.50
saw it already on TV. But still that’s something, anyway, more than I had in common with Dale, except
Chilled Noodles with Spicy Vinaigrette
$4.50
that we grew up together and both like, you know, sex. And he was the nicest boy in the whole school,
Stir Fried Chicken with Lettuce Taco
$6.95
and the only one who was even remotely interested in anything besides football. And he’s
Sichuan Pork Dumpling with Chili Vinaigrette
$4.50
not a businessy type of person (Dale, I mean), because I don’t know if I could be with someone who is
Fried Taro Toast
$3.95
always worried about the bottom line or whatever, at least Dale was in a creative profession. Not like I’m going out with Mitch Hertzog, or anything. I mean, I WISH. It’s just lunch, for God’s sake. To talk about taking a restraining order out on Dale.
Only he’s SO NICE—Mitch, I mean—and he smells good, too, and he has on a Spiderman tie today. He says his nieces gave it to him, too. God, I hope it isn’t serious between Mitch and that Praying Mantis girl. OH MY GOD
IS THAT SCROGGS????
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Lunch
Please let me apologize one more time. I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR SUIT. I don’t know what came over Dale, I really don’t. I guess he thought we were out on a date or something, ha ha! Well, you know he’s a little unstable. But really nonviolent. Except toward suits, apparently.
PLEASE, you’ve got to send me the dry-cleaning bill. I owe you that much at least.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: You
What happened????? You look white as a sheet. Did one of those video voyeurs get a shot up that skirt of yours as you were coming down the steps outside the building? Because we can track down the guy and have a blanket party on his head if you want. I know people who can make it happen.
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: What happened
Oh, just the USUAL. I made a complete and utter fool of myself. WHY can’t I EVER pass myself off as a cool-headed businesswoman? WHY???
Of COURSE we were having a perfectly nice time—well, except that he got this call in the middle of the meal, but whatever, it was probably some multimillion-dollar deal he’s working on, or something—when who should come in to the restaurant but DALE, and the whole rest of the I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches crew, and he starts making this big deal out of how I’m there, like it’s kismet or something, only he kept calling itschism, and then Mitch walked up and was like, “Sorry about that,” and sat down across from me, and next thing I knew, Dale had thrown the entire platter of chicken in garlic sauce on Mitch.
So there I am, lamely trying to wipe it off him, which meant, of course, that I actually had to touch him, although it was through a napkin, but can I just take a moment to say hubba-hubba? I mean, I could FEEL his muscles through all the stir-fried rice. How does a lawyer get all built up like that? I mean, Dale plays guitar, but you know, his chest practically caves in and he mostly looks anemic. . . .
But anyway.
It was just mortifying, all right? What do I DO??? I made Dale apologize, but you could tell he didn’t mean it. And I guess I can’t really blame him, we WERE talking about taking out a restraining order against him, but really, it’s all Dale’s fault. I mean, Del Monte peaches? Who DOES that?
What do you think I should do? Send flowers? Or candy? That seems sort of . . . not right. For a guy, I mean. What would you do? I mean, if it had been Craig. And you two weren’t married. But you still thought he was way hot and wanted him to like you. Even though he’s a soulless corporate drone. Who likes Spiderman.
I mean, I e-mailed him, but it doesn’t seem like enough. Know what I mean?
I really, truly wish I were dead.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: What happened
You did the right thing. Believe me, if this guy is interested, he’ll forgive you.
But what about Dale? Are you going for the restraining order or not? Seems like YOU’RE not the one who should file for it. Mr. Muscle should.
Could you tell if he had a six-pack?
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: What happened
The restraining order! Oh! I forgot all about it!
Definite six-pack. The guy is cut.
Oh my God. I can’t believe I just wrote that.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: What happened
God dammit. Blondes really do have more fun.
J
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Lunch
You don’t owe me anything. Look, really, don’t worry about it. How were you to know the label would pick THAT restaurant, out of all the restaurants in Manhattan, to take your ex-boyfriend’s band to lunch after signing their big deal? It IS midtown, and there ARE a lot of record companies in Manhattan.
And I thought he comported himself very well, after the initial surprise.
The garlic sauce will come out.
If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me. I am so sorry about that horrifically long phone call. It’s just that my little sister is home from college, and there’ve been some issues between her and my mother, and somehow, I always seem to get caught up in the middle. . . .
Anyway, if you’d really like to make it up to me, we can try again. How about dinner Friday night?
Let me know.
Mitch
P.S. Actually, considering what happened today, I think it might be safer if we were to eat in. My place okay? I make a mean shrimp scampi.
P.P.S. Want to give me a clue as to why your ex’s band is called I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches? Not that I’m aching to go out and buy their new album. Just curious.
To: Mitch Hertzog
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Dinner
I would love to have dinner at your place, if you’re sure it’s not too much trouble. And you have to let me bring something. Dessert all right? Thanks for asking . . . and for being so understanding about Dale.
The reason his band is called I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches is because Dale used to work in the only bagel shop in downtown Luxor, Kentucky, where we both grew up, and people used to come in all the time and ask for bagel sandwiches—you know, like ham and cheese on a bagel, or peanut butter and jelly—and Dale didn’t think that was right, because he thinks bagels don’t make good sandwich bread, because they’re too thick and you can’t get a good bite without scraping your gums or whatever, so he went on this kind of strike and would only put traditional things on the bagels, like smoked salmon and cream cheese, and the manager got mad and asked him what he was doing, and Dale yelled, “I’m not making any more sandwiches,” and so they fired him—unjustly, he felt.
Anyway, the local newspaper heard about the bagel controversy, and they ran a big front-page story on it, along with a big photo of Dale. The caption read,I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches . And the phrase just caught on around town, and so the guys in the band, to capitalize on the modicum of celebrity Dale had, started calling their band that, and the name just stuck.
Wish I could chat more, but I have a staff meeting to attend. Talk to you later!
Kate
New York Journal
Agenda:
Oh my God, could this be more boring? I can’t believe the T.O.D. dragged me from an e-mail from Mitch for this.
—K
Review of Unlawful Harassment Policy
The Company is committed to providing a work environment free of unlawful harassment.
So. Mitch, is it now? You like him!
—J
Company policy prohibits harassment because of sex (which includes sexual harassment, gender harassment, and harassment due to pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical conditions)—
Shut up.
You do. Admit it.
—and harassment because of race, religious creed, color, national origin or ancestry, physical or—
Hedid ask me over for dinner on Friday night.
—mental disability, medical condition, marital status, political affiliation, age, sexual orientation—
OVER for dinner? SEXY. It had to have been the skirt. It couldn’t have been the garlic sauce down his pants, now could it?
—or any other basis protected by federal, state, or local law or ordinance of regulation. All such harassment is unlawful. Prohibited unlawful harassment includes, but is not limited to, the following behavior:—
Shut up. God, I hate this. By the way, I said I’d bring dessert. Can I have your lemon-bar recipe?
Does Mitch really strike you as the lemon-bar type? I think he’s more seven-layer cookie, myself.
Verbal misconduct such as epithets, derogatory jokes or comments, slurs or unwanted sexual advances.
Seven-layer cookies are too heavy.
For what? For a little apres dinner—
Visual misconduct such as derogatory and/or sexually oriented posters, photography, cartoons, or gestures, including those accessed or sent via e-mail.
SHUT UP!
How did you know what I was going to write?
Physical conduct such as assault, unwanted touching, blocking normal movement or interfering with work because of sex, race, or any other protected basis.
Because I know you. God, this is so BORING!
You’re telling me. Why is she wearing tan pantyhose? Are we all supposed to believe she went to Aruba for the weekend, and only her legs got tan?
Threats and demands to submit to sexual requests as a condition of continued employment, or to avoid some other loss, and offers of employment benefits in return for sexual favors; and—
She must have run out of nude ones. And I know for a fact that she didn’t go to Aruba for the weekend.
—retaliation for having reported or threatened to report harassment.
I saw her at the Met Saturday night.
If you/one of your clients believe you/he/she have/has been unlawfully harassed, provide a written or verbal complaint. Your complaint should include details of the incident(s), names of the—
Do you suppose she and Stuart went home afterwards and had torrid sex?
Ew! Thanks for the visual.
—individuals involved, and names of any witnesses. The Company will immediately undertake—
Well, that must be the only reason he likes her, right? She has no other redeeming qualities. I mean,she’s a power-hungry, back-stabbing, two-faced uber bitch.
—effective, thorough, and objective investigation of the harassment allegations. If the Company determines that unlawful harassment has occurred, effective remedial action—
The B word! You can’t use the B word on the staff meeting minutes! My God, what’s wrong with you, Jen?????
—will be taken in accordance with the circumstances involved. Any employee determined by the Company to be responsible for unlawful harassment will be subject to appropriate disciplinary—
Well, you know it’s true. It has to be the sex. She must just give BJODs all day long.
—action, up to and including termination. Whatever action is taken against the harasser will be—
Wait . . . what are BJODs again?
—made known to the employee lodging the complaint and the Company will take appropriate—
Oh, my little Kentucky innocent. Blow jobs on demand.
—action to remedy any loss to the employee resulting from harassment. The Company will not—
EW!!!! Would you stop???? Besides, it’s not like he’s such a great catch himself. I mean, he’s no George Clooney in the looks department, and does he even HAVE a personality?Or a sense of humor? It’s not just anyone that Mrs. Lopez refuses to serve pie to, you know. She’s very discriminating.
—retaliate against you for filing a complaint and will not tolerate or permit retaliation by management, employees or coworkers. The Company encourages all employees to report any incidents of harassment forbidden by this policy immediately so that complaints can be quickly and fairly addressed.
Yeah, well, so’s Amy. And she is not the type to get engaged to anybody worth less than a million a year. I mean, you got that kind of money coming in, you can overlook any bald spot and inordinately small unit.
Would you stop??? Not in the middle of trust games!!!!
I hate these frigging trust games. What the hell are they supposed to establish?
Um. That would be trust. Amongst your coworkers.
Please. I wouldn’t trust Amy to warn me not to cross the street in the path of an oncoming bus. Do you really think I’m going to trust her to catch me as I fall backwards?
That’s not the one we’re doing today. And besides, we’re supposed to be learning them so that we can go around to the different divisions and have them do it. You know. Little trust workshops amongst the staff.
Please. Can you imagine doing the lap sit in Features? George Sanchez would crush everyone beneath his massive girth.
As a Human Resources representative, Jen, you are not supposed to show bias against weight-challenged individuals.
Whatever! George just needs to lay off the Krispy Kremes. Which he wouldn’t be half so tempted by, if the T.O.D. hadn’t fired Mrs. Lopez. Wait. WHAT did she just say we’re supposed to be doing?
Oh my God, you so need to be off those hormones. We’re supposed to be dividing up into groups and building shelters for ourselves—
Don’t even tell me. Using those old back copies of theJournal she’s got lying over there?
Yes. But we aren’t allowed to use tape or scissors.
Motherf******!
JEN!
Seriously, this is the stupidest—
Uh-oh, she’s dividing us into groups now.
I’d better be in your group, or—
To: Amy Jenkins
Fr: Stuart Hertzog
Re: Ida Lopez
Sweetheart, I have done everything I can to prevent it, but the fact is, I simply can’t get you out of a pretrial discovery conference with Mitch. He is insisting that it be sometime this week, and so I thought tomorrow would be best. . . . That way we can get it over with. And you don’t have to worry, because I’ll be right by your side the whole time.
He wants Kate Mackenzie there, as well. God knows why. I’ve given up trying to second-guess my brother. He is, not to put too fine a point on it, a freak of nature. If it were not for the fact that I remember our mother being pregnant with him, I would suspect he was adopted. I promise you none of the other Hertzogs are like Mitch.
Well, except for possibly my sister Janice. But she’s young enough that hopefully any defects in her character can still be cured.
But like I said, he is a fine, fine lawyer. Remember, I love you, and would never let anyone or anything hurt you.
After the depo, I’ll take you to lunch, anywhere you want to go.
All my love,
Stuart
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Trust Games
Told you we’d trounce those losers.
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Trust Games
Yeah, but, Jen, we’ve known each other since college. The Reception staff turns over every six months. Did you really think they were going to have their house up faster, or that it would be more secure than ours?
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Trust Games
Come on! They’re younger than we are! And we kicked their asses! Even when Amy came by and tied that scarf around your head, we STILL beat them. With one of our team members BLIND!
And what about the Budget staff? Some of them have worked together for YEARS, and we still beat them. WE RULE!!!
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Trust Games
I’d forgotten about this competitive side of yours. It’s been a while since we played Scrabble, I guess. It isn’t really a very attractive trait, Jen.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Trust Games
Who cares? WE WON!!!!! I am telling you, it is only a matter of time until we take over this place, you and me. It’ll be Kate and Jen’s Free Therapy Clinic in no time! Just you wait and see!
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Trust Games
Um, yeah, okay, CALIGULA.
I just got a call from Amy. She wants me in her office STAT. She actually said that. What does she think this is, anyway, an emergency room? Is she defibrillating a heart in there, or just filing people’s 1099s?
I hope we open up Kate and Jen’s Free Therapy Clinic soon.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Amy Jenkins
Re: Tomorrow
To review what we just discussed, tomorrow morning you and I will appear at 9 a.m. in the offices of Hertzog Webber and Doyle to be further deposed in the matter of Lopez vs. theNew York Journal. You will be dressed in a professional manner. You will answer all questions put to you in a truthful manner. You will not, however, say anything that could be construed as not reflecting positively on your employer.
This is a serious matter, Kate, and I am counting on you to handle it in that way, and not allow whatever personal feelings you might have for the employee involved to cloud your better judgment.
Amy
Amy Denise Jenkins
Director
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6890
This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Sean
Re: Mom
Look, I’m sorry I interrupted your important business lunch or whatever it was, but seriously, I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. She is a FREAK, all right? A FREAK.
Guess what she did NOW. Go on. Guess. I go to the mall for one frigging hour to see if they have the newX-Men comic in, and what does she do? WHAT DOES SHE DO?
She sprays everything in my room with that drug-detecting spray.
I am not even kidding. You know that spray you can buy on TV for like $19.95 or whatever? That spray that turns a color if there’s drug residue on whatever object you’re spraying?
Well, she sprayed that shit ALL OVER my room.
And OF COURSE I don’t do drugs—at least, not at HOME, I’m not a MORON—so OF COURSE the shit didn’t turn a color.
But guess what? EVERYTHING IN MY ROOM IS STICKY. Seriously. It’s like Stacy’s freaking twins have been here. I mean, even my LEATHER JACKET is sticky! The leather jacket I had to save for MONTHS to buy, because you know Mom won’t let me go near the money Gramps left me. I mean, I had to work the graveyard shift in the quad store for that jacket.
And now it’s like one of those adhesive fly strips. I’m not kidding. There was actually a moth stuck to it already by the time I got home.
I confronted Mom about it, and she says—get this—STUART told her to do it. STUART. Mr. Just Say No himself.
I can’t stand it here anymore, Mitch. I think there’s a very good chance I might go completely mental and take her goddamn Madame Alexander doll collection and put it out with the rest of the garbage where it BELONGS!!!!
Or do you think I’m overreacting? But think about it, Mitch: My UNDERWEAR is sticky. And not because I’ve been having any fun in them!!!!
Sean
To: Sean
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Mom
Thanks for those last couple of lines about your underwear. That’s really something every guy wants to know about his little sister. Not.
Look, I told you, you’re welcome to stay with me anytime you want. But keep in mind the only way you’re going to convince Mom and Dad that you’re all right to go back to college is if you play it their way for a few months. If you cool it on the hair dye and the diatribes at the dinner table against gross materialism, you should have them eating out of your hand by the time apps for fall semester come rolling around.
