Boy Meets Girl (8 page)
Amy Denise Jenkins
Director
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6890
MEMO
To: All Administrative Staff, All Divisions
Fr: Amy Jenkins, Director, Human Resources
Re: Internet Code of Conduct—Statement of Company Policy
Reminders:
Access to the Internet and the availability of e-mail has been provided for the benefit of employees of theNew York Journal and its clients. It allows employees to connect to information resources and is a communication tool. Its purpose is for employees to conduct official company business, or to receive technical or analytical advice. E-mail may be used for business contacts and for inter-office communications. Every employee of the company has a responsibility to maintain and enhance the company’s public image, and to use the Internet in a productive and professional manner. The following guidelines have been established for using the Internet and inter-office e-mail:
Acceptable Uses of the Internet
Employees accessing the Internet are representing theJournal . All communications should be professional. Reading reality-show recaps onTelevisionwithoutpity.com is not a professional use of the Internet. Ditto rating people onhotornot.com. Use of the Internet must not disrupt the operation of the company network. It must not interfere with productivity. Employees are responsible for seeing that the Internet is used in an effective, ethical, and lawful manner.
Communications
Each employee is responsible for the content of all text, audio or images that they place or send over the Internet. Fraudulent, harassing, or obscene messages are prohibited. All messages communicated on the office network should have your name attached. No messages will be transmitted under an assumed name. No abusive, profane, or offensive language is transmitted through the system. Employees who wish to express personal opinions in e-mail may not do so using the Company system, nor during Company time under their own usernames.
Harassment
Harassment of any kind is prohibited. No messages with derogatory or inflammatory remarks about an individual or group’s race, religion, national origin, political party affiliation, physical attributes, work performance, or sexual preference will be transmitted via the Company’s network.
Violations
Violations of any guidelines herein may result in disciplinary action, up to and including termination.
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Internet Code of Conduct—Statement of Company Policy
DO YOU THINK SHE’S TALKING ABOUT US?????
I think she’s talking about US.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Internet Code of Conduct—Statement of Company Policy
Well, I highly doubt this was directed at Peter Hargrave.
Doesn’t she realize she is slowly draining the life from us, until soon we’ll be nothing but dried husks, formerly known as personnel reps?
God, I wish she’d get hit by a bus.
J
P.S. You should go out with him. If he asks. Soulless-lawyer-for-corporate-raider thing aside. He had on a Rocky and Bullwinkle tie. Rocky and Bullwinkle!!!!
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Stuart Hertzog
Re: Mitch
Stacy, I know you have some—though not much—influence over Mitch. Still, that’s more than I can say about anybody else in this family. Except for maybe Janice. But the last thing Mom wants is Janice talking to Mitch any more than she does already. Did you know the guy actually told her that a good way to keep her bhang from staining her dorm-room carpet is to Scotchguard the rug before she moves all her stuff in? What kind of person SAYS that to their nineteen-year-old sister?
It’s no wonder she had to move back home.
Anyway, I would appreciate your talking to him about this case with the pie lady at theJournal . I asked him to take it because I’m personally involved. But Mitch seems to be . . . well, taking it far too seriously. To explain: I mean, he’s already dragging Amy’s employees into depos. He had a pretrial discovery conference with one of them this morning, and failed to notify either Amy or me: Amy and I didn’t know anything about it! Worse, I think . . . I’m almost sure . . . he’s interested in her. The employee. Not Amy.
You know that look he had in his eye when he came home from Kuala Lampur? Remember?
Well, I saw that same look in his eye when he was escorting the young lady in question out of Dad’s conference room today.
Stacy, you have to do something. If he starts messing around with this girl . . . Well, let’s just say Amy’s job is already on the line because of this mess. Apparently, Peter Hargrave, the paper’s owner, was a big fan of this pie lady’s muffins, or something. But how was I to know that? The woman was completely incompetent, and rude besides.
But if Mitch starts messing with this woman from Amy’s office . . . it won’t be just Amy who could lose her job. Dad’ll probably have another coronary. I’m not kidding, Stace. The last thing Webber and Doyle are going to stand for is one of Dad’s kids sticking his you-know-what in the company ink. . . .
So talk to him, would you? Tell him you don’t think it’s a good idea for him to start seeing anyone right now, with things so up in the air with Janice, Dad’s heart condition, my wedding, and so forth. Remind him that it isespecially unethical to start seeing someone who happens to be involved in one of the cases he’s trying. Particularly THIS case. Which could get very, very ugly.
Thanks, Stace. I knew I could depend on you.
Love,
Stuart
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Stuart Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Mitch
First of all, Janice didn’t “have to” move back home. Mom and Dad made her move back home, okay? They made her leave school, and for a reason that is so ludicrous, I don’t even want to get into it with you.
Second of all, I will not be drawn in to whatever petty fight you and Mitch are having today. I’m sick of it. I have my own problems. Like how my son positively refuses to use his potty. Okay? Finding diapers big enough to fit a thirty-pound kid? THAT is a problem. Mitch making google eyes at your fiancée’s employee? Not my problem.
Besides, what makes you think this is going to be like that time in Kuala Lampur? Mitch was nineteen when he lived in Kuala Lampur. That was ten years ago. I think he’s matured a little since then.
So . . . I guess I should say congratulations on the whole wedding thing. So. Congratulations. Are you two planning on a big ceremony, or what? In the city, or here in Greenwich? Or at her family’s place? Where’s she from, anyway?
Stacy
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Stuart Hertzog
Re: Mitch
Stacy, you know how I never told on you that time you locked me in the trunk of Mom’s Mercedes?
If you don’t do something about Mitch, I will be forced to take more drastic measures.
And if you think Mom’s going to leave you her antique Madame Alexander doll collection when she hears about that—especially considering the fact that I had an ear infection at the time—well, you’re delusional.
Stuart
P.S. About the wedding, we’re still working out the details. But definitely not in her hometown (she’s from Texas) as she no longer speaks to her parents, due to a falling out back when she was in college.
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Stuart Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Mitch
I never wanted Mom’s stupid Madame Alexander doll collection in the first place. I don’t know where she ever got the idea I did.
P.S. How can someone who works in Human Resources not have spoken to her family since she was in college? I mean, isn’t she supposed to be some kind of expert in human relations? To have gotten her job in the first place? And she can’t even keep the lines of communication to her own family open?
Who is this girl anyway? Dr. Laura?
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Stuart Hertzog
Re: Mitch
All right, you might not want the Madame Alexander dolls (a collection appraised at over $50,000, but fine, if you don’t want it, you don’t want it).
But I assume you still want Mom to look after Haley, Brittany, and Little John when your anniversary rolls around next month. Weren’t you two planning a little April-in-Paris getaway? I wonder how willing Mom’s going to be to take in the grandkids when she hears how you wouldn’t help me out with Mitch. . . .
I guess you could leave the kids with Jason’s parents. . . . Oh, but wait. Isn’t his father in jail? And his mother . . . Where is she again? Biarritz? With her third husband? Or is it her fourth? And didn’t he just turn twenty-five?
Stuart
P.S. Amy happens to have numerous very loving and warm relationships. Just not with any of her blood relatives. But she gets along great with the families of many of her sorority sisters. Many of whom I met at the Monkey Bar last night, and who are eagerly looking forward to our wedding. Unlike, I might add, my own relations, whose congratulations have been perfunctory, at best. Janice still hasn’t even called.
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Stuart Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Mitch
I hate you.
P.S. So does Janice.
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Stuart = Satan’s Spawn
So. Heard from Mom and Stuart already. Sounds like you’ve had a busy day.
Stacy
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Stuart = Satan’s Spawn
Busy, and profitable. There are times when I really, really love my job. Today would be one of those times.
Mitch
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Stuart = Satan’s Spawn
I heard. Stuart did happen to mention that you deposed one of Amy Jenkins’s oppressed flunkies this morning. I take it it went well. Stuart seems to think you found the flunkie . . . ahem, worth your valuable time. True? False? Or do you plead the Fifth?
Stace
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Uh-oh
Stuart’s making you ask, huh? God, he’s transparent. Well, you can tell him from me that I found his fiancée’s employee most agreeable.
That ought to kill him.
Mitch
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Uh-oh
Oh my God. The last woman I heard you describe as agreeable was that stewardess you met in Kuala Lampur. And remember how THAT turned out?
Stace
P.S. Stuart’s not the one I’m worried about. It’s Dad, actually.
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Uh-oh
Yes, but I am older and wiser now, and no longer prone to be impressed by surgical enhancement.
Mitch
P.S. Since when does Dad care who I find agreeable? Since when does Dad care about anything except making par?
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Uh-oh
Oh my God. You HAVE got it bad. What’s her name?
Stace
P.S. Um, does a triple bypass just eight months ago ring a bell?
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Uh-oh
Her name is Kate.
Tell Jason I went ahead and reserved an 8 a.m. tee time tomorrow for us at New Canaan. If you’ll deign to let him out of the house. And I don’t care if it’s snowing, we’re still going.
Mitch
P.S. Tell Stuart to mind his own business.
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Kate
Screw tee times in New Canaan. Get back to the girl. I’m a housewife with three kids, one of whom still isn’t potty trained. To me, romance is a quickie once a week while the kids are glued to SpongeBob SquarePants. If I’m lucky. Now spill it. What’s she like? I thought you hated MBA types.
Stace
