Boy Meets Girl (3 page)
From the Desk of
Kate Mackenzie
To do:
Quit job (unless fired; if fired, see #2).
Start packing up belongings.
ASPIRIN????? Maybe in bottom drawer.
Find new job.
Find new apartment.
Find new boyfriend.
Oh, God, I don’t know, my head is throbbing. . . . Did I call Dale last night? God, I hope not.
Pick up dry cleaning!!!!!!!!!
Kathleen A. Mackenzie
Personnel Representative, LZ
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6891
Chelsea/19th betw. 9th and 10th.
Exp. brk. wall, grt. light, elev.
bldg., courtyd. view. $1195, No
Fee. Call Ron 718-555-7757
Yo. It’s Ron. Leave a message.
(Tone)
Hi, Ron? It’s Kate. Kate Mackenzie, I left a message yesterday? About the studio in the East Thirties? Well, I never heard from you. Does that mean the studio’s taken already? Well, even if it is, can you call me back? Because I saw your ad for the place in Chelsea. The one that’s eleven ninety-five? Could you call me about that one? Because I’m really interested. Again, it’s 212-555-6891 until five, then you can reach me at 212-555-1324. And thanks. Thanks a lot. Call anytime.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Does your head hurt as much as mine does?
Katydid:
More. You only had one drink, remember? I had seven. Do you think I’m fired?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
For coming in with a hangover? Whatever. They’d have to fire the whole department. Especially the day after the Christmas party.
Katydid:
No, for crying while I fired Mrs. Lopez.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Oh, please. This is Human Resources. They never fire anybody in this department. Maybe if you stripped off your blouse and started singing “Everybody Wang Chung Tonight” in the mailroom.
Katydid:
The T.O.D. wants me in her office at ten. I will bet you anything it’s to give me a verbal warning.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Would you stop? They are not going to fire you. If anybody’s getting fired, it’s the T.O.D. Did you see all the senior staff members standing around outside the dining room this morning, looking (ineffectually) for Mrs. L’s dessert cart? There are going to be some phone calls today, believe me, when word gets up to the VPs that there aren’t going to be any more chocolate cheesecake muffins.
Katydid:
They’ll just find some other outside vendor.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Yeah, but no one’s muffins can match Mrs. L’s.
Katydid:
True. Jen, I think I have to quit.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
WHAT???????????????
Katydid:
Seriously. I mean, how can I stand by and let them do that to poor Mrs. Lopez? I mean, it isn’t right. She’s a sixty-four-year-old woman.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
A sixty-four-year-old woman who wouldn’t give pie to the head of personnel’s boyfriend, who also happens to be one of the most powerful lawyers in the city, and this company’s chief legal counsel. Kate, you had no choice. Mrs. Lopez brought it on herself. You’d warned her before. It isn’t like she wasn’t aware of the consequences.
Katydid:
Yeah, but maybe I wasn’t stern enough with her. Maybe she didn’t take me seriously. Nobody does, you know. Takes me seriously. I mean, why should they? I’m just like this IDIOT from Kentucky who dated the same guy all through high school and college. Why did I even major in Psych in college? I mean, seriously. I am the worst judge of character of ALL TIME.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Because you suck at everything else, remember? Besides, weren’t we going to help people?
Katydid:
WHO ARE WE HELPING?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Come on. You know you’ve helped a lot of people. What about that girl you hired for the Art Department last month? The one who was so happy when she found out she got the job, she cried and sent you flowers?
Katydid:
So I had one good day. But come on, Jen. We’re not exactly Making a Difference. Like we planned. I mean, remember when we were going to open Jen and Kate’s Free Therapy Clinic?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Yes, but that was before we moved to Manhattan and had to dedicate half of our salaries to rent.
Katydid:
Maybe we should have stayed in Kentucky.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
So we could be spending our weekends eating pork tenderloin at the NASCAR races? No thank you.
Katydid:
I happen to like pork tenderloin. Um . . . Speaking of Kentucky, do you remember if I called Dale last night? I have this dim memory that I did.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
So what if you did? I mean, the goober asked you to, remember? In that stupid note. Seriously, there is something wrong with him. Who leaves NOTES on people’s DOORS in New York City? And what was that slur againstCharmed ?Charmed happens to be a very good show.
Katydid:
I know! Witches! Helping people!
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Totally helping people. And killing demons at the same time. In halter tops.
Katydid:
I wasn’t mean to him, was I? When I called him back?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Oh, would you get over it? Who takes relationships one day at a time? I mean after TEN YEARS, three of which you lived together, for crying out loud.
Katydid:
WHY DID I STAY WITH HIM FOR SO LONG????? I’m such a loser.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
You are not a loser. You know who’s a loser? The T.O.D. Did you see what she has on?
Katydid:
Oh my God, I know. The same thing she was wearing yesterday.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
The T.O.D. got some! Did you see that hickey on her neck? She tried to hide it with concealer, but it is SO OBVIOUS. Why didn’t she go home to change before coming in this morning? That is so . . . gross. It’s like she WANTS us to know. Like she’s rubbing it in.
Katydid:
It’s working. I can’t believe the T.O.D. is having sex and I’m not.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
And you so know who she’s doing it WITH. Mr. No Pie For You himself. Oh my God, wait. . . . Did you see that?
Katydid:
See what?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
When she waved her hand just now, talking to Steph at the reception desk. Is that a DIAMOND ON HER LEFT RING FINGER????
Katydid:
ohmygod
Sleaterkinneyfan:
That is the hugest rock I have ever seen. It’s the size of my belly button!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Katydid:
She’s engaged. I can’t believe it. The T.O.D. is engaged.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
MRS. STUART HERTZOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Katydid:
I can’t believe someone asked the T.O.D. to marry him. I can’t even get a guy to agree to admit he might still be going out with me this summer, let alone FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
*I* can’t believe she hasn’t come over here to throw it up in our faces. I mean, that has to be three carats, at least. Although compared to my paltry .5, anything would look big.
Katydid:
Hey! Craig spent what he could afford. It wasn’t easy, picking out a ring on a computer programmer’s salary. A computer programmer’sstarting salary.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Cool it! I wouldn’t trade my .5 for that barnacle creeping all the way up her knuckle for all the money in the world. I’m just saying—hey, who’s that guy in the suit heading for the T.O.D.’s office?
Katydid:
Her wedding planner? Geez, she works fast.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Is that a SUMMONS he’s holding?
Katydid:
Oh, God, I hope so. I hope it turns out the T.O.D. is being sued for incompetence.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Um, you don’t think it’s the pre-nup, do you?
Katydid:
Oh my God, Stuart Hertzog would SO make his potential bride sign a pre-nup! What is she doing now, can you see? Is she crying? If she’s crying, it’s definitely the pre-nup.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
I can’t tell if she’s crying or not. She’s still reading it. Okay, he’s leaving the T.O.D’s office. Maybe I can . . . Hey, why is he walking over toward YOU?
Katydid:
Oh, n—
ATTORNEYS AT LAW
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
Kathleen A. Mackenzie
Personnel Representative, Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
Dear Ms. Mackenzie,
Pursuant to Article 29, page 31 of the Collective Bargaining Agreement between theNew York Journal and the United Staff Association of NYJ, Local 6884, former employee Ida Lopez has chosen to file a grievance concerning the termination of her employment at theNew York Journal.
You are hereby notified of pending arbitration—in which your employer, as well as you personally, are named as defendants for breach of contract—and during which my firm will be representing you. Please notify my assistant as soon as possible of your availability for a pretrial discovery conference.
Sincerely,
Mitchell Hertzog
ak/MH
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: OH MY GOD
Mrs. Lopez is suing me! ME!!!!!!!!!! After everything I tried to do for her!!!!!
Which, considering she did lose her job, isn’t all that much, I guess. But still. I mean, I TRIED. I warned her plenty of times of what might happen if she didn’t stop refusing to let people have pie.
And now she’s suing me! Can she even have a legal leg to stand on? Did I do something wrong? Oh my God, what if I did something wrong? ThenI’llbe fired too!
Oh my God, this is so like an episode ofCharmed : Whatever you put out into the world comes back to you, times three, good or bad. I fired Mrs. Lopez, and now I’m going to have THREE TIMES the bad luck as I did before.
As if I didn’t already have the worst luck of any girl on the eastern seaboard.
And who the hell is Mitchell Hertzog? I thought the T.O.D.’s boyfriend’s name was STUART!!!!!!!!
Kate
To: Kate M ackenzie
Fr: Amy Jenkins
Re: (None)
See me at once.
Amy Denise Jenkins
Director
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6890
This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: OH MY GOD
The T.O.D. wants to see me at once!!!!!!
Which means I have to have done something wrong!!!!!!!!
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kate
To: Stuart Hertzog
Fr: Amy Jenkins
Re: Mitchell Hertzog
Stuart, I have just received a letter from someone whom I can only presume is a family member of yours.
If this is a joke, I have to say it is in highly questionable taste.
If it is not a joke, might I ask why, considering the fact that I had Ida Lopez’s employment terminated at your request, someoneelsefrom your law office will be representing me and my employer when we go to court against this woman for breach of contract?
I swore I wasn’t going to bring my personal feelings into this, but I can’t help it. After what happened between us last night, Stuart—howcould you let something so important be handled by some underling . . . even if he IS a relative of yours?
Amy
Amy Denise Jenkins
Director
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6890
This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.
To: Amy Jenkins
Fr: Stuart Hertzog
Re: Mitchell Hertzog
Amy, darling, I’m so sorry. Mitch was supposed to wait until I’d had a chance to call you this morning before sending that letter.
The fact of the matter is, sweetheart, I can’t represent you or the paper, due to the fact that I am so personally involved in the case. However, Mitch—my younger brother—is an excellent lawyer, one of the best we’ve got, and will do just as good a job as I would myself, I swear.
On a personal note, how could you entertain the idea, even for a moment, that after what happened between us last night, I would ever do anything that might hurt you or your career? When I woke up this morning and gazed down upon your sleeping face, it was as if I was gazing at the face of an angel, and all I could wonder was, what did I ever do to deserve such good fortune? Amy, you are my everything.
