Boy Meets Girl (17 page)

Well, you can imagine I was pretty surprised when I found out Dale’s only been with one girl in the past ten years! I mean, I haven’t even had the same HAIR COLOR for that long, let alone DATED anyone. I think it is pretty impressive that Dale and you went out for that long, even if, like Dale says, you ultimately stabbed him in the back by demanding a commitment and then left him, rendering him into the broken shell that he is today.

I, however, am not looking for commitment, since I am only twenty-fo—three years old, and as I said, I am a model, and so I travel quite a bit between New York and Milan and Paris, and the last thing I want is a ball and chain. Know what I mean? I mean, I did get a dog, finally, but Pedro is a Maltese and fits into my wallet, practically. If you could get a wallet-sized boyfriend I so would, but you can’t, so I am stuck looking for ones who don’t mind a girlfriend who travels a lot. But since Dale will be touring with his band for the next eighteen months, he says my traveling is cool with him.

So if you don’t mind, Kate, could you call me on my cell at your convenience? The number is 917-555-4532. And if you could just answer true or false on the topics below, I would really appreciate it.

Love,

Vivica

1) My ex has never attempted to murder someone for the inheritance money.

T or F

2) My ex is appreciative of the fine arts, such as driftwood sculpture.

T or F

3) My ex would never have sex with a hotel maid while I was at the beach.

T or F

4) My ex would never lie about having a job and then try to borrow my money and never pay it back.

T or F

5) My ex has never borrowed my Christian Dior thong and stretched it all out.

T or F

6) My ex enjoys exotic cuisine, such as onion blossoms from TGI Friday’s.

T or F

7) My ex is fond of animals.

T or F

8) My ex is respectful of his mother/sisters/aunts.

T or F

9) My ex has never asked another person to pose as him in order to dupe a reporter into thinking he is somewhere he is not.

T or F

10) My ex does not snore.

T or F

Thanks bunches!

V

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: Hi

Remember me? Okay, stupid question.

Wait, before you hit the Delete button, hear me out—or read me out, anyway.

I had absolutely no right to do what I did. And I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I completely and totally screwed up. My intention, for what it’s worth, was twofold—and I could probably be disbarred for admitting this, but what the hell: 1) to get Ida her job back—no one who makes brownies like that should be out of work, and 2) to show my brother what kind of girl he’s marrying, by forcing my future sister-in-law into revealing what kind of two-faced liar she really is.

I should have known Ms. Jenkins would react the way she did. She is, after all, cut from the same cloth as my brother.

I know you didn’t write that letter, Kate. I know Amy wrote it, forged your signature and Ida Lopez’s initials on it, and then stuck it in Ida’s file. I’m betting she didn’t do it until after Ida filed for breach of contract, when Amy must have realized she’d been a little too cavalier with union regulations in her zeal to appease my brother’s wounded pride.

What I’m really writing to say—besides I’m sorry—is that I don’t want you to worry about any of this, because I’m going to get your job back.

And then we’ll see how your boss likes being on the receiving instead of the sending end of a letter of termination for a change.

Listen, we really should get together and talk about this. What are you doing tonight? If you’re not feeling too vodka-and-tonicked out, why don’t you come over to my place for dinner? It might be safer than dining out. At least for my wardrobe.

Please don’t say no. I owe you dinner, at the very least.

Mitch

Help.

Pain. Intense pain, radiating from behind eye sockets. Can barely move.

What HAPPENED? Oooooh, writing in capitals is hurting my eyes. But really . . . what DID happen last night? It’s all starting to come back, but only in patches. I remember . . . Skiboy. I remember Skiboy being really nice to me.

But why? Why would Skiboy be nice to me? He’s Dolly’s boyfriend. Something to do with my job, I know but . . .

Ooooh. That’s right. I have no job. I have no job anymore. Which is good, because it’s . . . 12:45 in the afternoon, which means if I did have a job, I would be three hours and forty-five minutes late for it now.

Amy. Amy fired me. That stupid cow. I can’t believe she did that.

Jen. Did Jen come over last night? I seem to dimly remember—

Oh. My. God.

Jen did come over last night. To check on me. But so did—

MITCH HERTZOG!

Mitch Hertzog came over last night to check on me. Only I was PLASTERED. And . . . oh my God. I think I threw up on him.

Okay. Okay, deep breath. Just get to the phone. Just get to the phone to call Jen and see if I really did throw up on Mitch Hertzog. Maybe it was all a bad dream. . . .

It wasn’t a dream. I just got off phone with Jen. I really did throw up on Mitch Hertzog. On his shoes, no less.

Oh! And he had on really nice shoes! They were wingtips. Jen says there were chunks of vomit stuck in the little punched-out places. . . .

To which all I can say is . . . Good.

Oh, God. If I had anything left to throw up, I’d throw it up now.

WHY did I let Skiboy fix me all those drinks? Why didn’t I just say no? Oh my God, now on top of being homeless, jobless, and boyfriendless, I’m an alcoholic. They’re going to have to send me to the Betty Ford Clinic.

Only I can’t afford to go there, because I don’t have any health insurance, because I lost my job.

Jen says Mitch was really very kind and concerned about me last night. Great. The person who is responsible for getting me fired was kind and concerned about me last night. As I was yakking on his shoes.

WHY didn’t I see any of this coming? Not the being-hung-over-from-drinking-with-Skiboy thing. The losing-my-job thing. My God, I just WALKED into it, didn’t I? Amy’s little trap.

Of course, I had an excellent guide steering me along . . . Mr. Mitch Hertzog.

Hertzog. God. It evensounds as if I’m hurling up an evening’s worth of vodka and tonics when I say it. Hertzog. Hertzog. Amy HURTS OGG.

Oh God, I wish I were dead.

Good morning, roomie! Just a note to say I know you probably feel likemerde ce matin . Never fear, I’m the queen of hangovers. There’s tomato juice in the fridge, and Vitamin B in my medicine cabinet.

And don’t worry about the bathmat. Hortense comes on Thursdays. She’s a whiz with stains of any kind.

Skiboy said he had a fabulous time last night. Apparently you are very entertaining when you’re sloshed. He said you sang him the Kentucky State song. We should make a point to go out for karaoke one night—you and me and Skiboy. It’ll be a blast!

Anyway, be a lamb, and if any packages come for Skiboy via UPS, make sure you hide them away somewhere, just in case Peter comes home unexpectedly. I don’t want any unpleasant surprises, if you know what I mean.

Feel better, and use my Jacuzzi, if you think it will help.

Ciao,

XXXOOO

Dolly

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: You

Hey, you. You okay? How you holding up? You had a lot of people worried about you. Your lawyer friend seems like a really nice guy. Attentive, too. Call me if you want to talk.

J

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Me

Yeah, a real nice guy. A real nice guy who got me fired.

Oh, and as if things weren’t bad enough, guess what I got this morning? I mean, besides an apology from Mitch—which is not anywhere near groveling enough, in my opinion. He had the nerve to ask me to dinner. Yeah! Dinner! Like that’s going to help get my job back.

I got an e-mail from VIVICA. You know, the supermodel? The one who does the Victoria’s Secret ads on TV?

Yeah. Guess who she’s interested in dating? Dale. But she wanted my input first. I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches played at a fashion show, and she met him there. She wants to go out with him, but she doesn’t want to pursue it any further unless he likes driftwood sculptures, or something. I don’t know. I was too hung over to read her e-mail properly.

God. I should have just stayed in Kentucky. Seriously.

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: You

No, you should not have stayed in Kentucky. If you had stayed in Kentucky, you never would have stopped wearing blue eyeshadow. Seriously, Kate, it was not a good look for you.

Also . . . you might never have met Mitch.

Kate, I know you might not believe this, but the guy was really hurting last night. He feels TERRIBLE about what happened with you and Amy. I really don’t think he saw it coming. I don’t know what exactly went down at the deposition—he told me a little about it—but his intention was NEVER to get you fired. I really think he’s on our side in all of this, Kate. I think he wanted to help get Mrs. Lopez’s job back . . . because he thought that’s what YOU wanted.

I think he also wanted to make Amy look like a liar, but whatever, that one backfired pretty badly, too.

I know you probably don’t feel too forgiving right now, but really, I think the guy meant well. And he didn’t even blink about his shoes. Yourbarf isn’t even gross to him. That has to mean something.

You know what he does, to stay in such great shape? Mitch, I mean? He volunteers at the Y. That’s how he got all those muscles you told me about. He plays wheelchair basketball. With paralyzed guys, you know?

Would a guy like that REALLY purposefully try to make a girl lose her job? No.

Now snap out of it. We’re going to get your job back. I promise.

And call the guy and say you’ll go to dinner with him.

J

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Me

Are you HIGH???? I’m not going to have dinner with Mitch Hertzog. Even if it is true about the wheelchair basketball. Or are you just saying that to get me to like him? Because if I find out it’s not true . . .

Not that it matters. THE GUY GOT ME FIRED, JEN.

And okay, maybe you’re right, and he didn’t mean it, and genuinely feels bad about it. But the fact is, I DON’T HAVE A JOB. Or a PERMANENT ADDRESS. Or . . . ANYTHING.

So even if he DOES like me and my barf, what do I have to bring to the relationship? Yeah, that’d be a big zero.

So what’s the point of having dinner with him? Because what would a totally PERFECT, WHEELCHAIR-BASKETBALL-PLAYING GUY LIKE THAT EVER SEE IN A JOBLESS REJECT LIKE ME????

Going to put my head in the oven.

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: You

Fwd: l Say it isn’t so! l Kate l Kate

Well, before you kill yourself, check out these e-mails from your personnel. Do these sound like they’re from people who think you’re a reject? DO THEY?

Fwd:

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Nadine Wilcock-Salerno

Re: Say it isn’t so!

Is it really true? Kate got the axe? But WHY? She was the nicest personnel rep this stupid company ever had (present company excluded, of course)!

This REEKS of Amy Jenkins. Is she behind this? I knew that bitch was up to something the other day in the staff dining room, when I saw her actually lift a piece of buttered bread to her lips. I haven’t seen her go off Atkins in two years . . . I should have known she was celebrating.

What can I do to help get Kate back? Because if Amy thinks we’re lying down for this one, she’s high. She can tell us to be sweeties and wipe the seaties, and she can take away our Dessert Lady. But she can’t fire Kate and get away with it. No way.

Nad:-(

Fwd: l

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Mel Fuller-Trent

Re: Kate

Oh my God! Is it really true? Amy fired Kate? Why? Not for tardiness, I hope.

Jen, this is awful. Kate was SO nice to me when they were giving me that grief about going part-time. We have to DO something! What can I do? The Trents love holding benefits. Can we hold a benefit? For Kate? Just let me know, PLEASE!!!!

Mel

Fwd:

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Tim Grabowski

Re: Kate

I just heard. This means war. The T.O.D.’s aware of that, isn’t she? That in firing Kate, she’s alienating the entire Tech Dept? Because there isn’t a guy here who wouldn’t walk over hot coals for Kate. She’s the only one in that damn office (not including you, Jen) who treated us computer guys with anything remotely resembling respect. Not to mention compassion.

And she used to come to ourFarscape marathon parties, too.

What can we do to get her back? Just let us know, and it’s done.

Tim

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: You

Do those sound like e-mails from people who are happy to see you go? No, they don’t. People here like you, Kate. MITCH likes you, too, barf on his shoes or not. Now cheer up.

Besides, you can’t put your head in Dolly’s oven, I just checked with her, and it’s electric. The worst that can happen is that you’ll bake yourself.

J

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Me

Thanks for the e-mails. I guess they made me feel better. A little.

I’m going out to buy a paper. I need to start looking for a new job. Not to mention a new apartment. But first things first.

Did I mention I hate everyone in the whole universe? Present company excluded, of course.

Kate

MESSENGERS—Pros/Rookies.

BREAKAWAY COURIER is the Real Deal! Does your messenger service have health insurance, 401K & a retirement plan? We do! We also have good rates $250–$600+/wk. Our dispatchers have road exp. FT/PT. 212-555-6773 By appt only

Please. I don’t even own a bicycle.

OFFICE WORK, FT/PT weekdays.

Pleasant environment to do a variety of work. Some customer contact, strong Excel & Word a must. Salary DOE. Fax resume & salary requirements to:

212-555-4052

I can’t believe I went to college so I could file.

ACTIVISM JOBS FOR THE ENVIRONMENT — NYPIRG is now hiring students and grads for an urgent campaign to protect our air & water in NYC. F/T and P/T positions are avail immed earn $300–$1000/week w/oppty for advancement and benefits. EOE. Call Angie: (212) 555-PIRG (x7474)

Or knock on doors.

Fundraising/Devmt EOE MFDVSO. THE LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL & TRANSGENDER COMMUNITY CENTER Seeking exp'd counselors. Post-op transgenders preferred. Qualified applicants should fax cover letter stating sal history & desired pos: 212-555-2657

Great. The only way I’d qualify for this one is if I turn into a she-male.

ELECTRICIAN Expd Mechanic w/ following skills: Plan-install-wiring for installation of panels, fixtures, outlets, comm’l air conditioning & refrigeration, low voltage wiring, intercoms, security & fire alarm systems, motor controls & installing motors, fans & pumps. $1000+ week. Fx res: 212-555-1460

WHY didn’t I become an electrician?????

HEALTH FOOD HELP—PT/FT

Produce workers/Deli Juice Bar Person & Cashier wtd. Health Food Store Exp. Required. No Phone Calls. Please apply at Yoga Yogurt, 229 W. 13th St (btw 7th & 8th Ave)

Food service. Might as well move back to Kentucky and ask if I can have my old job at Rax Roast Beef.

LIFEGUARDS Wanted—

Free conditioning & training for great summer lifeguard jobs at NYC beaches and pools. Employment after successful completion of training course, final test and background check. By date of hire must be 16+. Call 212-555-7880 EOE

Ha! I WISH!

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: Kate

Hi, Jen. I tried to call, but all I got was your voice mail.

Have you heard from Kate this morning? How’s she doing? I e-mailed her, but I haven’t heard back.

Let me know if you’ve heard anything.

Mitch

To: Mitchell Hertzog

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: Kate

She’s fine. Ornery, but fine.

I don’t think it will come as too much of a shock to you if I tell you that you are not one of her favorite people this morning, either. She doesn’t seem to remember too much about what happened last night. How are your shoes, anyway?