Boy Meets Girl (7 page)
Oh my God, that apartment was so hideous, I would rather sleep on Jen’s couch for the rest of my life than set foot in a place like that ever, ever again. What is WRONG with this city? It’s like they penalize you if you’re single and can’t afford to pay two grand a month for decent housing. Like it’s not enough of a stigma, not being in a romantic relationship. No, they have to make it a thousand times worse by making every studio apartment in the city be next door to an OTB and look out over an air shaft.
And oh my God, what did I say to Mitchell Hertzog? It’s like I had diarrhea of the mouth, or something, I just kept talking and talking. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I mean, like I don’t have enough to worry about without jeopardizing my job, going around, saying the paper fires people unfairly.
It’s just that he was so . . . cute! Why did he have to be so cute??? And nice . . . He wears ties his nieces buy for him!
Oh, why couldn’t he have been an ogre, like his brother?
Wait a minute . . . he is. He IS an ogre, like his brother. Because what kind of person works for a place like that, a place that takes the side of corporate giants over poor little pie bakers like Mrs. Lopez? What kind of person would work for a place like that?
I know he’s going to tell the T.O.D. what I said. Okay, well, maybe he won’t—And I don’t remember exactly what I said, anyway. Maybe I didn’t say anything so bad. . . .
But somehow or other she’s going to find out, and I’m going to get fired, and it will be all my own fault, and oh my God, I HATE lawyers, they ruin EVERYTHING for EVERYONE and oh, why did he have to be so cute?
To: Dolly Vargas
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Kate Mackenzie
I Googled her, but got nada. What do you know about her? Spill it. You owe me, remember?
Mitch
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Dolly Vargas
Re: Kate Mackenzie
Mitch, darling, what a surprise! How ARE you? It’s been ages! I don’t think I ever did thank you properly for getting Julio out of that little jam with Immigration . . . goodness, it pays to be friends with a lawyer, doesn’t it?
Let me see now, about Kate . . . Isn’t that a coincidence? I happen to be VERY well acquainted with her. She’s my HR rep here at the paper.
Look, why don’t I call you in, say, five? I just got my tips done, and all this typing is not exactly good for them.
Ciao for now. . . .
XXXOOO
Dolly
P.S. She really is a doll, isn’t she?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Thank God you’re back. It seemed like you were gone FOREVER. Now tell me about Stuart’s cute brother. How cute is he? He doesn’t have an abnormally large head, does he? It isn’t a family trait?
Katydid:
Are you CRAZY? Stop I.M.-ing. She’s going to catch us. She’s been all over me ever since I got in.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Whatever. I’ll watch her, and if I see her log on, I’ll signal you. So. His head. Cartoonishly gargantuan, or what? How’s his butt?
Katydid:
Totally normal-size head. I told you, he’s cute. I mean, for a lawyer.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Koala-bear cute? Or tie-him-to-the-bed cute?
Katydid:
You are sick. But I might tie him to the bed. If I had one. A bed, I mean.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Butt, please.
Katydid:
I didn’t look at his butt. Are you crazy? He’s a LAWYER. I mean, what does it matter what kind of butt he has when he has a job taking advantage of the disenfranchised?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Since when is Ida Lopez disenfranchised? She’s in a union, she makes more than I do, probably. Now I would like a description of his ass.
Katydid:
What does it matter? It’s not like he could ever be interested in me. I’m such a spaz. I mean, I started going off during my interview on this tangent about Dale. I didn’t say his name, or anything—Dale’s, I mean—but I don’t know. Giving a deposition is WEIRD. It’s so . . . personal. Everyone is looking at you. I mean, he was sitting right there, right across the table. I could have reached out and touched his hand. We DID touch hands at one point, when I spilled my coffee, and we both reached to wipe it off. He has really nice hands. And no wedding ring, either.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
WHO CARES ABOUT HIS HANDS? WHAT ABOUT HIS BUTT?
Katydid:
Okay, okay. Basic stats: height, about six one. Weight, you know, normal for being six one. He looked kind of . . . built, beneath the suit. It was kind of hard to tell. Plus everyone looks built compared to Dale. Nice suit, conservative, but coupled with a tie that had Rocky and Bullwinkle on it. . . .
Sleaterkinneyfan:
You lie.
Katydid:
I beg your pardon, but I do not. Rocky and Bullwinkle, as sure as I’m sitting here Instant Messaging you instead of working on the sexual harassment suit against Dolly Vargas. He says his nieces gave it to him. He’s also got dark hair, kind of on the long side, you know, compared to Stuart’s. I know because I ran into Stuart on my way out. Mitch is taller than Stuart. Also, his hair isn’t thinning like Stuart’s. Or graying. Also, he has this dimple in the middle of his chin. And green eyes. Really. Or maybe hazel. But they looked green. Did I say he had really nice hands?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Butt, please.
Katydid:
I didn’t look at his butt!!!!!!
Sleaterkinneyfan:
You lie.
Katydid:
Okay. I looked. It was roundly supple.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Mmmmmmmmmm
Katydid:
Hey! You’re married! You can’t be mmmming other guys’ butts!
Sleaterkinneyfan:
That’s whatyou think. So. When are you going to see him again?
Katydid:
I’M NOT! HE’S A MEAN CORPORATE LAWYER. I DON’T DATE MEAN CORPORATE LAWYERS. Or anyone, for that matter. My life is in enough upheaval.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
I thought you said he has nice hands.
Katydid:
He does. But what does it matter? You remember how those guys in law school were back when we were in college. The keggers. The loafers with tassels. Please! And this one’s the enemy, remember? He’s out to get poor Mrs. Lopez! I could never date someone who made a living defending the likes of Peter Hargrave against the working-class slobs who are just trying to be treated fairly. No matter how tie-to-the-bed-able he might be.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Liar.
Katydid:
I’m not lying!
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Ladies’ room. Now.
Katydid:
No!
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Now. Someone’s got to slap some sense into you, and as usual, it looks like that someone’s gonna be me.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
logged off
Katydid:
logged off
To: Amy Jenkins
Fr: Courtney Allington
Re: Last night
Ames, he’s a dream. You are SO lucky. And that ring . . . it’s gorgeous. We have GOT to get together for brunch and introduce our guys. Brad will just ADORE him. And then maybe you two can come to Aspen with us next December!
Where are you honeymooning? You HAVE to go to St. Bart’s. Brad’s family has a villa out there. They rent it out when they’re not using it—twenty thousand a week—but it comes with a full-time maid, cook, gardener, and chauffeur. It was divine, you simply have to go, it’ll be the perfect place to crack out that Burberry bikini you bought at last week’s BARNEY’s sale. I’ll ask Brad when the place is available.
Oh, your hair looks great. Are you still going to Bumble, or have you switched to Fekkai?
Love,
Courts
To: Amy Jenkins
Fr: Heather van Giles Lester
Re: Mrs. Stuart Hertzog (!!!!)
Oh my God, you and Stuart are SO perfect together. He’s tall and broad, and you’re so petite. All that jogging is REALLY paying off, Ames. I can’t believe you’re the same little Ames who packed on all those pounds our frosh year. Then again, you DO have to watch it, coming from a heavy family. How are they, anyway? I hope they aren’t still upset over that whole not-being-invited to graduation thing, are they? I mean, seriously, Ames, how COULD you have invited them? They wouldn’t have fit at the table.
Anyway, just so you know, I went home and Googled Stuart—I know! I’m so bad!—and found out all about Hertzog Senior, and I’m telling you, you have nothing to worry about, the family’s good for ten million at least, maybe even more, if you count the crazy mom’s doll collection. They’ve got a condo in Scottsdale, and another in Tahoe, and a house in Ojai.
Girlfriend, you SCORED!!!
Let’s do lunch next week. Oh, did you hear? Courts wants to throw an engagement party for you. But I’ve got dibs on the lingerie shower!
Kisses,
Heath
To: Amy Jenkins
Fr: Mary Beth Kellogg Sneed
Re: Congratulations
Ames, I’m so happy for you. He’s a real sweetie—I love how he told off that waiter for bringing us the wrong year of that merlot (they really DO think they own the city, don’t they?) And your ring is gorgeous. If you want to get matching diamond studs and a pendant, you HAVE to see John at Harry Winston. He’s the BEST.
A few things you might want to consider, though: genetic testing . . . you know, just to make sure neither of you are carriers of anything nasty . . . although I’m sure you aren’t. But you never know.
And secondly—his name. I mean, HERTZOG? See if he’d be willing to drop the OG. There is nothing wrong with being a Hertz, you know. . . . Look at Hertz rental cars.
Just a couple of things you might not have thought of.
Oh, you’re going to be the most beautiful bride! The Pilates is really giving you definition in your upper arms, just like I said it would. I hope you’ll enjoy this, the most magical time in your life. Every girl should be as pretty a bride as you’re going to be, Ames! Let me know if you want help scheduling an appointment at Vera’s. I know her cousin personally.
Toodles,
MB
Features Division
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
Human Resources Division
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
We, the undersigned, demand the immediate reinstatement of Ida Lopez to her post in Food Craft Services for the senior-staff dining room. We feel that her dismissal is detrimental to the temperament and overall well-being of the paper’s staff. Additionally, this morning there were no muffins or scones to go with our coffee. Some of us were forced to go for Krispy Kreme doughnuts across the street. If pastries continue to be unavailable in the senior-staff dining room, and we are forced to continue to leave the building for Krispy Kremes, HR could find themselves looking at disastrously high insurance rates, due to personnel possibly being struck by buses and/or bicycle messengers while venturing from the building in search of breakfast treats.
Furthermore, the saturated fat content of a single glazed Krispy Kreme is approximately 22 grams, twice that of a whole bag of M&Ms. Continued ingestion of said Krispy Kremes could lead to catastrophic health-care costs asJournal employees are felled by diabetes and/or heart disease.
In conclusion, reinstating Ida Lopez as dessert supplier of the senior staff dining room will save the company millions in health-care and insurance costs, and lower the cholesterol and overall discontent of the paper’s staff. Please do what you can to see that Ida Lopez is returned to her post. Thank you.
Melissa Fuller-Trent
George Sanchez
Dolly Vargas
Tim Grabowksi
James Chu
Nadine Wilcock-Salerno
To: Amy Jenkins
Fr: Penny Croft
Re: Ida Lopez
Ms. Jenkins:
Mr. Hargrave was somewhat disturbed this morning when he went to the senior-staff dining room and found that Ida Lopez, who normally supplies and runs the dessert cart, was not present. He was even more disturbed when, upon inquiring as to the whereabouts of Mrs. Lopez, he learned she had been let go. Surely this isn’t true? You may not be aware of the fact that Mr. Hargrave has quite a sweet tooth, and has become quite fond of Mrs. Lopez’s cinnamon rolls. I do hope you can get to the truth of this matter, and let me know when we can expect Mrs. Lopez back at her cart.
Sincerely,
Penny Croft
Assistant to Peter Hargrave
Founder and CEO of
The New York Journal
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stuart Hertzog
Re: Ida Lopez
I just received a phone call from Amy. She is extremely upset. She said she just discovered that you’d scheduled a pretrial discovery conference with one of her staff members.
You deposed one of Amy’s employees this morning without checking with me first? After I specifically asked you to keep me informed on the status of the case, you went ahead and saw one of Amy’s employees behind my back?
Don’t think this is the last you’re going to hear about this.
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Stuart Hertzog
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Ida Lopez
Stuie, you need to relax. You’re going to have a coronary if you keep carrying on this way over every little thing I do. I can give you some breathing exercises I learned from a yogi when I was in India, if you want.
You asked me to take this case for you, and I did. But if you want me to win it in my usual stellar manner, you’re going to have to let me do things my own way.
What’s the big deal, anyway? So I talked to one of your fiancée’s employees without you—or Amy—being in attendance. What, the world is going to end now?
Oh, and when you speak to Dad about me, be sure to bring up—one more time—the thing about how I totaled your Beamer in the tenth grade. Because I really don’t think you’ve run that one into the ground yet.
Give my love to Mom, too, when you speak to her. Which I assume you’re going to do as soon as Dad doesn’t pick up. You know he never answers his cell when he’s on the green.
Mitch
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Margaret Hertzog
Re: Your Brother
Stacy, I received a very disturbing phone call from your eldest brother just now. Apparently, Mitchell is up to his old tricks. He is giving Stuart a very hard time about his fiancée. (You did hear that Stuart is engaged? Janice says you told her. God knows no one in this family ever tells ME anything, but why should they, as I’m only their mother? But anyway, Stuart’s marrying that nice Amy Jenkins he brought to your house for Thanksgiving.)
In any case, Stacy, as the only one in the family who has ever had a modicum of influence over Mitchell, I’m asking you—no, telling you—to please try to do something about Mitchell’s attitude. He has upset his brother very, very much. And after everything we’ve been through this year with Janice—did you know she dyed her hairgreen ? And is insisting we call her Sean? As if there were anything wrong with the name we gave her—I am very much looking forward to planning this wedding between Stuart and Amy. If anything should happen to put it in jeopardy, I’ll probably have to be institutionalized. Please don’t allow Mitchell to rob me of the single joy I have left in life.
With love,
Mom
Dear Katie,
Hello! I wanted to say thank you so much for all you have done for me. I know it is not your fault I was fired. So I baked this bundt cake for you. I hope you like it. I have enclosed the recipe. Since I know girls your age don’t bake anymore, I tried to make it simple for you. I think if you try making this cake for any man, he will marry you in a second flat. But not that ex-boyfriend of yours, he is no good for you.
All my love,
Ida
1 pkge instant chocolate fudge pudding mix
½ cup cooking oil
4 eggs
½ cup sour cream
½ cup warm water
1 12-oz pkge chocolate chips, semisweet
1 pkge dark chocolate fudge or devil’s food cake mix (not with pudding added)
Grease and flour a bundt or angel food cake pan (use cocoa instead of flour to avoid white coating on cake).
Mix everything together except eggs and chips. Add eggs one at a time, mixing well. Fold in chips. Put in greased and floured bundt or angel food cake pan. Bake at 350°F for one hour. Let cool in pan for 10 minutes. Carefully insert a knife around the edge of the pan to loosen cake. Remove from pan and cool completely. Serve drizzled with melted dark chocolate or covered with powdered sugar.
Serves 12.
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Cake
CAKE! Ida left me cake!
Come have some!
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Cake
Um, I think that is the best thing I’ve ever eaten. Why do you get all the luck?
Oh no, here comes Reception . . . It’s amazing how they can smell cake from seemingly miles away. They’re like cadaver dogs, or something. Only they sniff out dessert.
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Cake
THEY ATE ALL MY CAKE!!!!!!!!!
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Amy Jenkins
Re: Ida Lopez
Please forward I. Lopez’s personnel file and all of its contents to me.
Please note that in the future, you are NOT to meet with Mitchell Hertzog, or anyone involved in the Lopez case, without myself present as well.
Please also note that as an employee of this corporation, you are forbidden from accepting gifts and/or food items from current or former clients. It is simply a matter of ethics, Kate. Kindly refuse Mrs. Lopez’s cakes in the future.
Amy Denise Jenkins
Director
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6890
This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.
Katydid:
Get this! Even if he didn’t think I was a complete spaz and asked me out, I couldn’t go. The T.O.D. says I can’t meet with Mitchell Hertzog again unless she’s present!!!!
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Please. The T.O.D. can’t even find last year’s salary-increase recommendations. You really think she’s going to know if you’re seeing some guy?
Katydid:
Still. Where does she get off? Also, she said I can’t take any more cakes from Ida. If she makes me any more, that is.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
In the ladies’ you said you weren’t interested in Mitch that way anyway, so what do you care? Except about the cake. That I can understand.
Katydid:
I’m not. Interested in him. I mean, why should I be? He clearly thinks I’m this huge Kentuckian loser, the way I was dribbling on about . . . oh my God, chicken in garlic sauce. CHICKEN IN GARLIC SAUCE!!!!!!! I was going on and on about it. What is WRONG with me???
Sleaterkinneyfan:
You know, the really amazing thing isn’t that you dated Dale for ten years: It’s that you two ever got together at all. With your self-esteem issues and his addiction to hallucinogens, you two so should have been voted Least Likely to Hook Up with Anyone, Ever.
Katydid:
Hey! Come on!
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Sorry. It’s the hormones. I swear. But seriously, Kate. This is the first guy whose HANDS you’ve found attractive since you realized Dale wasn’t Mr. Right after all. That has to mean something. I say, go for it.
Katydid:
Go for WHAT? I told you, I am ethically opposed to everything Mitchell Hertzog stands for. And besides which, he thinks I’m a spaz, and Amy says I can’t see him again without her permission!
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Oh my God, haven’t you been listening to a word I’ve said? Amy Jenkins is T.O.D., not G.O.D. She’s not capable of tracking your every movement—
AmyJenkinsDir:
logged on
AmyJenkinsDir:
Ladies. Have I or have I not spoken to you about Instant Messaging during business hours?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
logged off
Katydid:
logged off
AmyJenkinsDir:
logged off
Sleaterkinneyfan:
logged on
Katydid:
logged on
Sleaterkinneyfan:
I hate her.
Katydid:
She’s the one with the self-esteem issues.
