Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (11 page)

In his wildly popular book
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,
author John Gray uses a fanciful metaphor to explain why men and women have so much trouble communicating. He says that long ago Martians and Venusians fell in love and moved to earth, but when they arrived, they promptly forgot their diverse planetary origins. "And since that day," Gray writes, "men and women have been in conflict." But if I were to write a book on our communication problem, I would title it
Men Are from Earth, Women Are from Earth, and Our Problem Is Sin.

Of course, men and women do bring different needs and communication styles to our conversations. But over and over again God tells us that the words we speak and the way we communicate is rooted in our inner person. Jesus said, "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45). James asks, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want" Qames 4:1-2).

Jason and Gina have been together for nearly a year, but their lack of real communication is beginning to strain the relationship. "She says I don't talk enough," Jason says. "But I can't change who I am. I'm not a talkative person."

Rob has told Leslie that her constant sarcasm bothers him, but she can't seem to stop. The biting remarks "come from out of nowhere." She's tried to tell Rob that since she grew up around sarcastic humor, it's just an unchangeable part of her personality.

Are people like Jason and Leslie beyond hope? No, they're

Our lips are merely the messengers of our heart. Our words flow out of what's inside us. We can't disassociate ourselves from the way we communicate (or in Jason's case
don't
communicate). Though our upbringing and personality are factors, we can't blame them for what's wrong with us. If our words are selfish, sinful, or uncaring, it's because
we are
selfish, sinful, and uncaring.

The good news for sinful "earthlings" is that God has sent his Son to invade our sin-drenched planet and save us. And Christ has come not just to save us for heaven, but also to combat the rule of sin in our lives and relationships here on earth. We can experience real, lasting change in our communication if we're willing to seek God's help. We can't change by fancy methods. We can't change by mere willpower. But God's Spirit working in us can help us to "will and to act according to his good purpose" (Philippians 2:13). As we invite the Holy Spirit to change our hearts, our speech will be characterized by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (see Galatians 5:22).

So though it isn't easy or comfortable for him, Jason is learning to view his lack of communication with Gina as a heart attitude that he needs to change. "My pastor has helped me to see that I was being selfish and lazy." As he goes after the root problem in his heart, Jason's behavior is starting to change.

The same has proved true for Leslie. Instead of focusing on her behavior and trying to stifle sarcastic comments before they leave her mouth, she's asking God to help her change the heart from which her comments flow. "God has helped me see that I am very proud," she says. "I consider myself better than other

Principle #2:
Your
ears are your most important communication tools.

Why is it that when we think of communication, we usually picture ourselves talking? The answer is fairly clear. We think what we have to say is pretty important-more important than what others have to tell us. But often the best thing we can do with our lips is to keep them sealed.

Recently my dad told my five-year-old brother, Isaac, that God gave people two ears and one mouth because he wants us to listen twice as much as we talk. Isaacs eyes popped wide open. To him, the little proverb seemed the most astounding truth he'd ever heard. He loves to walk up to strangers and ask, "Do you know why you have two ears?"

It's a good question for those of us who want to improve our ability to communicate. We need to be reminded that our ears are our most important communication tools.

Are you quick to listen? Listening is an expression of humility and genuine concern for others. "I can't tell you," a girl said, "how many dinners I've spent with a man who talks the whole time, then says over dessert, 'I feel like I know you so well.'" Authentic communication involves asking and listening. If we want to truly know and understand other people, we have to care what they feel and think, not arrogantly assume that we already know.

Do you listen carefully? Or are you simply waiting anxiously for the next time you can start talking? How often do you cut

The Bible tells us that a fool "delights in airing his own opinions" (Proverbs 18:2). Don't be a fool. Listen twice as much as you talk.

Principle
#3:
Good communication doesn't happen by accident.

In Don and Susan's church a popular motto for young couples was "Twenty-Four Before." In other words, couples should date for at least twenty-four months before getting engaged. The idea was to discourage them from rushing into an ill-advised marriage. The problem with the little slogan is that if two people aren't working hard at clear communication, no length of time can ensure that they really know each other.

Don and Susan got married after two years of dating, only to discover how little they had actually communicated with each other beforehand. "Marriage was a huge wake-up call for us," Don says. "We didn't really know each other that well because our communication had been so superficial."

Susan agrees. "We developed lot of bad habits before marriage," she says. "Our dating was mostly focused on fun activities. We hardly ever talked about what we felt or believed. Our physical relationship made us feel more intimate than we really were. When we did have a conflict, we'd always try to get it over with as soon as possible, even if it meant leaving things unresolved."

Taking your time in your courtship is wise. But don't

We men should assume the responsibility of initiating meaningful communication in our relationships. Don't just plan activities; plan conversations. Before you get together, think about some of the questions you'd like to ask her. What do you want to discover? Be curious!

When Shannon and I began our courtship, I was bursting with questions for her. I wanted to know everything I could about this girl. What did she love? What did she hate? What made her laugh? What made her sad? What kind of songs did she sing when no one was around? What did she order at an Italian restaurant? Did she like sushi?

In order not to overwhelm her, I had to pace myself and spread my questions out. I was always on the lookout for creative ways to spark a conversation. Once I bought a book called
The Book of Myself: A
Do-it-Yourself
Autobiography.
It had 201 questions designed to help people write their own life story. Using a black marker, I changed the title so that it read
The Book of Shannon.. .As Told to Joshua.
I brought the book along on a few of our dates and interviewed her. "What was one of your mom's traits that you admired?" I asked. Or "Who was the person that influenced you the most growing up?" Having Shannon answer these questions allowed me to understand more about her.

As you plan your dates, make sure you're giving yourselves extended periods of time to talk. Remember that you can be intentional and
casual.
You don't want the other person to feel interrogated or pressured by questions. Don't be demanding. Don't limit communication by switching to a "now it's time to

Principle
#4:
The absence of conflict doesn't equal good communication.

"My boyfriend and I have the perfect relationship," I heard a girl tell her friend. "We've never had a fight."

I winced at the girl's misunderstanding of what it meant to have a good relationship. A widow I know realized that the absence of conflict in her forty-year marriage had not necessarily been a good sign. "I used to boast to friends about how well my husband and I got along," she said. "But now I see that part of the reason that we got along was because we never fought-and the reason we never fought was because we never really talked."

Our goal shouldn't be to avoid conflict, but to learn to work through it and resolve it in a way that honors God. In their book
Love That Lasts,
Gary and Betsy Ricucci share ten tips for communication that can help you when you're experiencing conflict in your relationship.

1.Learn to express your feelings and frustrations honestly,but without accusing or attacking the other person (Proverbs 11:9).

2.
Choose words, expressions, and a tone of voice that arekind and gentle. Don't use speech that could easily offend or spark an argument (Proverbs 15:1).

3.Don't exaggerate, distort, or stretch the truth. Avoidextreme words like
never
and
always
(Ephesians 4:25).

4.Give actual and specific examples. If necessary, make notesbefore you communicate. Stay away from generalities.

6.Listen to what the other person is saying, feeling, andneeding. Try to detect his or her underlying concerns Games 1:19).

7.Refuse to indulge bitterness, anger, withdrawal, or argument. Though these emotions are normal, indulging them is sin (Ephesians 4:26).

8.Don't hesitate to acknowledge your own failure, and bequick to forgive the other person. Make sure you don't hold a grudge (Luke 17:3-4).

9.Keep talking and asking questions until you are sure thatyou both understand clearly what the other is saying and feeling. Encourage each other as you press toward a solution (Romans 14:19).

10. Train your mouth and heart until you can say the right thing at the right time in the right way for the right reasons!

Remember, conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. And don't be surprised if you experience it. It's a sign that you're really getting to know each other. Don't run from it; instead, ask for God's help to humbly and lovingly resolve it.

Principle
#5:
Motive is more important than technique.

Finally, remember that it's very important to have a godly
motive
for our communication. Before we worry about method or technique, we need to make sure the motive of our heart is pleasing to God. He wants our motive to be to sincerely love and serve others-to build up, encourage, and benefit them. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,"

Many books promise to help you learn to communicate so

that you can get what you want. This approach turns words into weapons to further our own selfish desires, and the Bible tells us that this kind of communication is worthless. Paul writes, "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal" (1 Corinthians 13:1). Heavenly eloquence is meaningless if it lacks the overriding motive of love for God and our fellowman.

A godly motive radically changes
how
and
what
we communicate in courtship. Instead of using words to gratify ourselves, we use them to glorify God and put the interests of others first.

You Still Need to Guard

In chapter 5 we saw how courtship is a season of being "more than friends, but less than lovers"-a time in which we need to grow our relationship and yet guard each other's hearts, since we don't know if we'll get married.

You will guard as you make sure that you don't promise or imply a deeper level of commitment or confidence in the relationship than you really have. In his courtship with Brittany, Kyle realized that until he was ready to propose, he needed to steer away from talking about "the future" as if they would be together then. "It wouldn't be fair to Brittany for me to say 'Oh, wouldn't it be great if we had a house like that one day,' or even, 'Someday in the future we'll do such and such a thing.' It