Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (13 page)

I want to be that kind of man. I have a long way to go. 1 fail more often than I succeed. I let my sin, my fear, and my laziness get the best of me. But I want to change. I know that God has made me a man for a reason. No matter what culture says, or even what some women say, I want to gladly "shoulder the burden of manliness."

It's not the easiest path. Earlier I told you about a book that encouraged men to be passive in relationships. According to the author, the only alternative to passivity is being aggressive and overbearing. Sadly, these are the two courses many men take. But God wants us to reject both of them. Biblical masculinity is neither passive nor rudely aggressive. God calls us to be servant initiators-firm, but gentle; masculine, yet caring; leaders, yet servants. We're called to be protectors, not seducers.

Here are four practical ways you can do these things in your relationships with women.

1. Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women.

Leading is a form of serving. When you provide direction, suggest ideas, and initiate conversation or activities, you're serving your sisters.

This doesn't mean that you treat women as if you were their husband and the one to lead them in important life decisions. Even during the season of courtship, this isn't your place. Until you're a woman's husband, she is under no obligation to submit to your leadership. If she has a Christian father, that protection and oversight should come from him. But

For example, you can serve your sisters by being the one to plan times together. This applies to a courtship as well as friendships with women. My single friends Jacob and Ryan frequently plan get-togethers at their apartment. They do the work of organizing activities and inviting other guys and girls to participate.

One woman told me what a burden it is when her male friends sit around waiting for the women to plan everything. "I don't like it when a man sits there asking 'So what do you want to do?'" she said. "I want them to make a decision!"

The same principle applies in your courtship. Do you initiate conversations? Do you carefully plan your dates? Are you thinking ahead and directing the course of the courtship? It's your job to make sure that it's continuing to grow at a healthy rate. It's your responsibility to make sure you're both guarding your hearts.

As you can see, servant leadership requires work. It means sacrifice. It means going out on a limb and proposing ideas, setting direction, and inviting others to follow. It means listening, taking others' interests and needs into account, and adjusting as necessary. It means deferring to others at times. Leadership isn't tyranny; it's service rendered. It's difficult, but it's a big part of what it means to be a man.

2.
Be a spiritual leader in your relationships with women.

Men, we should set the spiritual pace in our relationships with

women.

We should be the ones to make sure our relationships aren't

The first important step is to make your own personal growth in godliness a priority. Don't be content to be spiritually lukewarm-strive to set an example of passion for God.

My friend Joseph sets a terrific example in this area. When he's with a group of friends, at some point in the conversation he'll ask a question like "So what did you think of the sermon Sunday?" or "Can I share something God is showing me?" or "What's an area God is helping you to grow in?"

Do you know what Joseph is doing? He's initiating biblical fellowship. He's asking questions that help him and his friends share the new life they have because of Jesus. He's leading them in talking about the reality of God in their lives.

Joseph isn't a spiritual show-off. That should never be our motive. His goal is to serve his friends and enrich his own life. He knows how easy it is to let a whole night go by without having a serious, God-focused conversation. He knows that in fellowship he and his friends are truly growing closer.

Men, in marriage we'll be called to be the spiritual leaders of our homes. Before marriage, lets practice leading in biblical fellowship with friends and during courtship. Then we'll be that much more prepared to do so with our wives and children.

3. Do little things in your relationships with women that communicate your care, respect, and desire to protect.
This doesn't have to be complicated. Simply be a gentleman to the women in your life. Your goal is to show through your actions that their status as a woman is a noble one.

Let them feel your concern and respect in as many ways as you possibly can. You can do this through small actions: open

In your courtship, remember that you're not doing these things merely to impress or to win a woman's heart. You do these things for God's glory. You do them to serve a sister in Christ and honor her as a woman.

(A brief aside to women: If you're just friends with a man, and he's trying to treat you like a lady, don't assume he has a romantic interest in you. One of the fastest ways to derail a man's attempts to practice servant leadership is to interpret his actions as romantic overtures. As my friend Jen put it, "Girls should assume that until a guy expresses interest, they're just friends.")

4.
Encourage women to embrace godly femininity.
Look for ways to encourage your sisters in godly femininity. When they make room for you to practice leadership, thank them. When they're humble and gentle, encourage them. Femininity is not weakness. It requires great strength of character for a woman to be gentle in an age that screams for her to do otherwise.

When you see a woman going against the grain of culture by cultivating a skill that will serve her family someday, compliment her. When a girl is pursuing a demanding career, but is still being feminine, let her know that you notice. Let her know you respect her.

We men should be the biggest encouragers and prayer warriors for women who are seeking to glorify God by practicing godly femininity.

Girls, I hope you're still reading. I know that parts of this chapter might have made you cringe. "Women are supposed to respond to godly leadership from men? Give me a break!"

1 think I can understand how you might feel. I'm sure that you can think of ways these biblical truths have been misused and misapplied by domineering and chauvinistic men. I'm sorry that has been the case. Please know that there are many men today who want to spend their lives proving that that's not what biblical masculinity is about.

Don't give up on us. We need your support. We need your prayers. We need you to fix your eyes on God-not on the men who have misrepresented His plan-and live your life in response to His commands for you as a woman.

Here are four ways you can be sisters to the men in your life and practice mature femininity

1. In your relationships with godly men, encourage and make room for them to practice servant leadership.

If a man's biggest temptation is to be passive, a woman's biggest temptation is to take control. The man isn't setting a course, so the woman grabs the steering wheel. It might fix things in the short term, but in the long run it only discourages men from playing their God-given role as initiators.

You can encourage men to be men by refusing to do the work of leading for them. What you want to avoid is developing a
habit
of initiating in your relationships with men. This doesn't mean that you never do so, but that it's not the normal pattern in your life. Neither does this mean that when you're single, you're supposed to submit to every man you meet. God asks a woman to submit only to her husband. But a single

So if you're in a courtship, make room for him to lead. Step back and let him be the one to take charge. How else will he learn to lead? How else can you practice for the time when you will follow a husband?

Sylvia, who is in her thirties, gave me one example of how women can let men lead. "We ladies can be too quick to fill the silence in a conversation," she said. "We're like 'Oh no, he's not talking! I need to say something.' But I think it's important for us to let there be awkward moments of silence so the men can step up and lead the conversation."

Want some more examples? Don't plan your times together. Don't be too quick to be the one who "clarifies" the relationship -"What is our status?" If at all possible, make him do it.

And, finally, be patient. Most of us men are pretty new at this. We usually aren't as skilled as you are at expressing our feelings. For a lot of us, courtship is the first time we've been expected to lead, communicate, and interact on an emotional level with a woman. Give us time. I'm grateful that in my courtship with Shannon, she gave me time to grow in my leadership skills. I made a lot of mistakes. (I still do!) I was often uncertain. But she didn't undermine my role or try to take over. Instead, she looked for ways to encourage me.

With God's help, you can do the same. When a man does lead, let him know you appreciate it. When he takes initiative in conversation, in activities, in fellowship-in any area-cheer him on.

2.
Be a sister to the men in your life.

What are the categories you have for Christian men in your

life-potential boyfriend, potential husband, no potential what

Be a sister to the men in your life. Pray for them. Be yourself. Don't put up a front. Be a friend.

And remember, encouraging men to lead and to initiate doesn't mean that girls never start a conversation or have ideas for activities. My coworker Dawn and her three roommates make a practice of inviting a group of guys over for dinner every two weeks. They use these times to reach out to new people in their singles ministry and to develop friendships. Dawn and her roommates are being sisters to their brothers in the Lord.

3.
Cultivate the attitude that motherhood is a noble and fulfilling calling.

Today many people scorn motherhood and the skills associated with managing a home. In our culture children are viewed as a nuisance, and motherhood is considered a waste of a woman's talents. A college counselor once told me that the majority of the female students she worked with secretly longed to get married and have kids, but they were too ashamed to admit it. What a tragedy!

Please don't believe our culture's lies about motherhood. If God has placed that desire in your heart, don't be embarrassed about it. The Bible encourages younger women to learn homeaking skills from older women. Learning to keep a home and love a husband and children is part of God's plan for the complete training of young women (see Titus 2:3). Don't hesitate to learn the practical skills that will one day allow you to serve a family. Search out godly mothers in your local church from whom you can learn.

4.
Cultivate godliness and inward beauty in your life. A
girl once wrote to tell me how God had used Proverbs 7:5 to convict her of being like the wayward woman who led men astray. "I don't want to be a seductress like her," she wrote. "I don't want flirtatiousness or immodest clothing to keep guys from seeing me as a sister in Christ."

If you want godly men to respect and cherish you as a woman, refuse to buy in to our culture's obsession with being physically beautiful and sexually alluring. This is an attitude that springs from the motives of your heart and extends to the way you dress and act around men.

Is your wardrobe an expression of your love for God? Shannon often says to women, "There's a big difference between dressing attractively and dressing to attract." What's your motive? Have you ever asked your father or another Christian woman to honestly evaluate your clothing? Are you willing to sacrifice fashion to be obedient to God?

During our courtship, Shannon honored me by always acting and dressing modestly. A few times that meant getting rid of outfits that she didn't think would cause a problem (Ladies, you'll never know just how differently we're wired until you get married!). Once when I told her that a particular pair of shorts were a little too short and were causing me to struggle, she quickly replaced them.